Posting - at last!

Oh boy, how time flies.

I think I've started 4 posts in the past 5 weeks.  We'll see if this one sticks.  Maybe we'll go the easy route with a list...

• Move went well, it was a good call to hire packers and movers.
• My in laws arrived, helped and left, our relationship is still good and the weather stripping, locks and various other aspects of the house benefited from their visit
• The house is feeling like home.  I looked at a 401 West - London sign and my first thought was "home is that way" (not that I live in London but it's the next biggest city in that direction).
• I am still getting used to my new commute, I knew it would suck prior to moving and I was right.  It took nearly 2 hours to get into work today, this isn't going to last forever.
• Christmas was a little hectic and felt last minute but okay
• My SIL was a bit of a saviour, I "went in" on a lot of group presents which saved me some shopping and what shopping I did have to do was done in one night the Monday prior to Christmas
• We got roped into hosting a New Years Eve party, a Manitoba friend has moved to Montreal in the fall and he wanted to ring in the new year with us so a party was had
• Mr. Lina went a little crazy with moving, holidays, two colds and work, layer upon layer of crap to the point he really couldn't be flexible with any change, but I think he is returning to normal
• I miss Lazy Subcultural Girl, she once said that she and her husband had a deal that only one person was allowed up the crazy tree at a time.
• I spent December at the base of the crazy tree looking up.
• Christmas celebrations had lots of babies, my 2.5 year old neice, my two 8 month old nephews and my cousin is a dad, his son was 5 weeks at Christmas and slept pretty much the whole time (as you would expect) - next year will be crazy when those babies are all running.
• My niece likes me, deals were required to get her to stop playing and take some family pictures and part of the deal was sitting in my lap.  Best Christmas present by far.
• Her brother only has eyes for his mom and my dad, Papa is a-okay fine by him, the rest of us are suspicious and not to be trusted.
• I feel sad today and an odd mix of lonely and antisocial.  Probably a mix of not having team members here and 2 hours alone in the car driving in.

That about sums up December I suppose.  On with January!

January 2nd I got a call from Children's Aid, we have our first appointment with a social worker this Friday.  I'm thrilled and nervous all at the same time.  It's just an hour to meet and review our application and discuss our preferences for adoption, but it's a big first step.  I was kind of thinking that in January I'd call and just see where we were in their priority list... and now I don't have to.  

Wasn't that sneaky of me leaving the best for last?  And look at that I'm going to hit publish...

Ah... Vacation...

Well that blog break was a bit longer than intended.  We spend two weeks visiting Mr. Lina's family in Manitoba.  Very restful, saw lots of friends and family.  Prior to that, work got well... crazy.  It has been a while since I worked that many nights past 7pm.  So, not much time for writing.  Nor packing for that matter.

But, we're back now.  

And life is still busy.  My car really does need to be replaced - sooner the better.  I'm not putting more money into it and now another light has come on that I don't want to fix.  Our real estate agent is coming over tomorrow night to talk about moving.  Tonight is going to be a lot of "chuck things in boxes" so there is less clutter when he tours the house.

It's kind of scary to be honest.

I think I haven't written since we returned because I'm a bit scared.  I'd rather spend time hiding from all this change rather than embracing it.  I had Mr. Lina work with me on packing up my sewing room.  Not that he did much, but having him there kept me calm and focused.  I get side tracked by little things from high school or medical receipts for the clinic.  

As tempting as it is to look at potential new houses (online, not in person just yet) and we all know how much I want to be a mom, change is pretty scary.

On the weekend I went to a birthday party for a university friends' husband.  While I do know him, I don't really know his friends and family.  Two other girls from the group came and we stuck together.  I've been a bit of a hermit.  I'm the only one of that group without kids now, while I want to hear about their kids for about 5 minutes, it just feels... stressful to see them.  And sometimes it's sad when I leave.  Not that much has been going on as large group, but I haven't even been reaching out to them at all.  It was good to catch up with two of them and we actually talked more about ourselves than their kids.  Kind of refreshing really and a good reminder that I liked them before they had kids and that friend is still in there.

One of my friends is a social worker in the region we're looking to move to.  She doesn't deal with adoption, but she will know the social workers that I will be working with (when we get there) and generalities of adoption in that region.  It was really good and it brought up all the excitement I've been kind of hiding under the pressure to get the house listed etc.  

Anyhoo... I am alive, I'm doing okay.  We are almost there.

We hosted Charlie A'Court back in March.  Charlie really is that mix of musician AND entertainer.  Charlie is good one-on-one, he and my Australian friend had some banter in the show, he knows how to play to his audience and he is a talented guitarist.  It was one of the most FUN shows I've ever hosted.  Prior to the show, we were talking about what to expect from our audience.  It was a Saturday night, I said I was relaxed as far as start/end times went, odds are a board game of some sort would break out after the show because people would stay.  And I introduced him to Cards Against Humanity as the game most likely to be played post show.

In short, Cards Against Humanity is a question and answer game.  One person draws a question/phrase (some are fill in the blank), each player has 10 answer cards in their hand, they pick the most amusing.  The person asking the question picks their favourite and that person asks the next question.  Some cards are tame, some are, well... not.  Some phrases that sound pretty tame on their own are not when paired with the wrong question.  Also, there is a "Canadian Conversion Kit" with answers like Tim Hortons, Mr. Dressup, The Official Languages Act/Loi sur les langues officielles, etc....  So something normal like "_____ keeps our relationship exciting" isn't too crazy a question, but sounds worse when the answer is "Ooompa Loompas" or "Mr. Dress-up".  I've had moments in this game where my brother couldn't speak because he was laughing too hard.  

We ended up playing that game until 4 or 5 am on time change weekend (I think 4, but with spring forward that makes it 5).  I sent a very tired Charlie to his next house concert with perhaps 6 hours of sleep.

So you can imagine how amused I was to see that one of the options in his crowd funding for his next album is Cards Against Humanity cards written by Charlie.  Or you can buy the game AND the cards.

It's pretty cool that not only am I being impacted by hosting musicians, but it sometimes leaves an impression on them too.  I can't wait for our cards to arrive.

Not-So-Fun Mom

Last weekend was a long weekend in Canada - Victoria Day.  We did the usual for us, camping with almost 30 people.  It was a bit chilly this year but mostly dry.  If you dress right, cold is manageable, but cold and wet is miserable.  I didn't pack quite enough extra blankets so it was a bit cold over night on Friday.  Thankfully we camp close enough to home I could pop back and pick up some flannel sheets so we were toasty the rest of the weekend.

The down time was good but certainly had some challenging moments.  Some friends camp with their kids, others just drop by for an afternoon, this year there were anywhere from 5-12 kids running around ages 10 right down to a visiting baby.  The one challenge with this kind of extensive time with other peoples kids is that I get a little annoyed with some of them.  It becomes clear to me, I'm not going to be a fun mom.  I'll be a good mom and there will be lots of love and fun moments, but I'm not going to be a fun mom.  My kids are going to hear no, and I am going to mean it.  When I read about adoptive parenting, I see the need for consistent and firm parenting.  I suppose with longer exposure to other families while camping, I see what happens when any child doesn't get that.  When no means maybe, or not yet, or someone else will say yes.  I see the manipulation that goes on and how often the kids win when no doesn't mean no and it irritates me over the weekend. 

Sunday afternoon, I was making dinner.  Jambalaya in my cast iron dutch oven on the fire.  It's a bit fussy only because it's hard to tell just how hot the coals/pot are but I'm getting better with practice and burning the bottom less.  I brought little silicone pot holders with me to the fire, they look like frogs and worked pretty well with the hot cast iron.

From Cilantro Cooks

Mr. Lina was wearing my pot holders and chasing kids around the camp site while the jambalaya simmered.  It was pretty funny as he stomped around snapping the frogs open and shut.  One of the (non-chasing) kidlets asked me for s'mores.  I'm not sure what made her think I was the owner of any marshmallows, chocolate or graham crackers as I watched my dinner cook.  I said no, she should ask her dad.  Which is also the answer I gave when asked if she could have a drink the previous day, and when asked for a snack earlier in the day.  You see the pattern?  She wandered off and came back with a huge bag of marshmallows (which I'm pretty sure did not belong to her family) and pestered me again to make her s'mores.  She wasn't the only kid around, another parent was giving his 3 kids popcorn as a post-dinner snack (hoping salty snacks would make for better bed time than sweet).  The middle kid (about 3 I think) in that family had been the focus of the Mr. Frog-a-Lina chasing and wanted in on the marshmallows, more because Mr. Frog-a-Lina was there and they wanted to feed the frogs popcorn and marshmallows.  At this point, Mr Frog-a-Lina got silly about the desire for popcorn s'mores, knowing I did not pack any of the required ingredients and could not fulfill what he was asking me to do and in my head I wasn't sure how well hot melted marshmallow, chocolate and popcorn were going to work on small fingers.  The popcorn wasn't going to offer much protection from the hot parts.  I got tired of  being pestered for stuff they should ask their parents for and knowing that at least one father probably didn't want his kids having popcorn s'mores and my inability to actually do what they (or I) wanted to do, and I lost it on Mr. Lina.  

Thus popping the bubble of happy fun time for Mr. Frog-a-Lina and the kidlets.  

We went for a walk so I could get away from the s'mores insanity and apologize for my behaviour.  I knew I was snapping at Mr. Lina because he was there and an easy target compared to the kids that weren't mine to discipline.  I don't lose my cool often so it has more impact when I do (at least on Mr. Lina, I don't think the kids were all that phased).  A few tears were shed and oddly not by me.  Mr. Lina loved running around and being silly, but it was also leaving him feeling sad that those weren't his own kids he was chasing after.  And boy, do I understand that.  Popping that happy bubble was pretty bad timing.  

After a little walk around, we went back to the site, we had dinner.  I had a little alone time while I changed into warmer clothing for the evening and prepped the tent for bed time.  Mr. Frog-a-Lina returned for more chase, with even more kids involved.  I could hear him (and the kids laughing) 4 sites down as I walked to the washroom.  I ended up with a 3 year old frog-chaser snuggling up with me as the sun was setting.  Not surprisingly, Mr. Lina fell asleep at the fire at dark o'clock (camping is not about clock watching).  Who knew pot holders could be such great exercise?  And did you know they come in monkeys and dogs and pigs and roosters...

Personal Choices Vent - Hair

I have mentioned a few times that I don't dye my hair.  I used to, I suck at the maintenance required for it to look good, and I don't really mind my white hairs.  When my hair is down, I feel like Rogue with her white streak of hair (and side note, the link for Rogue is an awesome blog post).

It's kind of hard to find a picture where she doesn't have cantaloupes attached to her chest, but she's got spunk and personality and a streak of white hair.  When I pull my hair back, those whites at the front are more noticeable because they cover the non-whites underneath.  I'm less fond of that, but I like having my hair out of my face so practicality usually wins.  Today is one of those days.

At my client site, there is an older fellow who works security.  He's generally crotchety and grumpy, but he usually calls me beautiful and I giggle and smile and my day starts off right. 

Today, I had lunch with a friend.  I'm wearing a skirt that makes me feel corporate-powerful and pretty.  I was feeling pretty good.

As I walked in, my security friend asked if I was sick.  No, not sick. 

Why don't you dye your hair? 

Seriously?  What?

You know his daughter is also young and has white hair and she dyes her hair.  White hair is for old guys like himself.  I'm too young to have white hair.

Seriously.

I laughed, I said I liked my white hair, it's too much hassle to dye it, I've been there, done that, got the t-shirt.  Not interested at the moment. 

When I got to my desk and reviewed the conversation, it hurt.  I was angry.  I'm still angry 4 hours later.

I don't really know why.  He can have his opinion on my hair.  It's my hair and I'll do what I want with it.  I might consider if Mr. Lina would like something (his vote would be long and red, but to paraphrase his attempt to cheer me up, he wants to ah... play with my lady parts regardless of what colour my hair is) but in the end, it is my head and my hair.  I said I like my white hairs.  If that's true, then the laughing it off is where it should end.

I get comments on my hair from time to time.  Sometimes from people who say they like the whites and how they mostly frame my face.  Lately it's been on the length, particularly if I haven't seen them in 6+ months and they notice the difference.  Sometimes it's on how healthy it looks for being so long. 

Other times it's about the existence of hair dyes.  As if I didn't know there were entire aisles in drug, grocery and mass stores.  Perhaps they think I don't see it when I'm buying shampoo.  Or never noticed when I had a hair care manufacturer as a client for two years.  Or that I assume that all those people with orange, pink, blond, black hair came by it naturally... 

I wonder sometimes if I would get fewer comments if my hair was dyed purple or blue.  Am I that strange that I want to age naturally?  Am I that odd that I don't mind if my hair makes me look my actual age?  Maybe I am fooling myself when I say I like my white hairs if I'm upset that someone thinks I should hide them.  I don't know.

Time Flies

I know this sounds like a broken record, but I'm not sure where the days  are going.  I haven't been in a great mental state to blog but I didn't realize it was over two weeks.  How strange.

So what's happened in two weeks?

• We went camping with a mix of friends, my brother and his girlfriend, my cousing and his wife.  Weather was good, I slept enough, Scot and his girlfriend were super cool and did not talk about the pregancy but I did give him a real hug and true congratulations.
• I went to a wedding in another city on the Saturday of Labour Day weekend, stayed the night, saw friends, it was good
• It was my birthday on the Monday of Labour Day weekend
• My SIL has decided that she needs some help being in the first trimester and chasing a 13 month old while my brother is on course work and can't help her
• So she (and my niece) came home and we surprised my parents with their arrival at my birthday dinner
• My niece is adorable
• I was kind of glad when they all went home
• Do you know how much cleaning we had to do to have a toddler in the house when the living room looked like the basement threw up crap and furniture all over it?  I'm not kidding, I had a path to the couch when my brother and SIL brought up the idea of her visiting.
• I wore my white lawn bowling skirt, but I don't have good a picture of me in it, my niece was naturally the cetre of attention.
• I had some post-birthday blues afterwards, I would have been okay skipping my birthday this year for some reason.
• We found out our mortgage was up for renewal this year, not next year so we had to rather quickly sort that out.
• We provided a weekend of respite, my friend from Summerfolk who has Down's Syndrome stayed with us to give his mom a break, she needed it.
• That went really well. 
• I started sewing for Mr. Lina.  Not for HIM, but movie stuff.  He needs a yamika/kippah, appliques of naughty reindeer added to a sweater and a crazy costume for one actress before the last weekend of September.
• I have never even met the actress, I think I'll be "fitting" with elastic.
• Yamika #1 from this kippah pattern came out a little wonky, poor fabric choice on my part and a little small given that the head it's going on has a full mask, it's bigger than a normal head.  It's a good pattern though, I'm sticking with it for my next attempt.  I think with 6 panels it ends up with a better curve than just 4 panels like most kippah patterns I found online.
• I went to a TIFF after party which was super cool.  One of my clients was sponsoring a film (The Grand Seduction) and while they didn't have tickets to the movie, they did give me tickets to the party.  So strange going to a party at 9pm on a Sunday.  But we got prettied up and went.

• And coming up... one last kick at the camping can this weekend, bowling starts tonight, Mr. Lina is getting us storage space to start really moving boxes out of the house, house concert season is starting up (100 Mile House from Alberta on Monday Sept 23, those local, let me know if you're interested in coming), and I need a nap.

 

Aunt X2

So not only is my youngest brother (Clone) going to be a dad for the second time...

My middle brother (Scot) is also going to be a dad. 

With his girlfriend (who I do think is a good match for him), but they have only been dating since May.

On the plus side, apparently my two brothers talked prior to Scot telling me last night.  How do I know?  Scot talked to Mr. Lina in the afternoon and told him first, wanting advice on how to approach me.  Scot said that "apparently Skype isn't a good way".  No kidding. 

I love my brothers and I know how much they want to treat me with kid gloves.  I guess the thing is they don't know what to do, they (fortunately) cannot empathise nor read my mind.  And the truth is, there isn't a good way.  It's going to suck for me regardless of how they say it.  Giving me space lets me have the illusion with them that it doesn't suck so much.

Mr. Lina's advice was that it's like a band aid, just tell me.  I'll deal with it.  Don't wait to do it in person, just get it over with and I will be okay.

So Scot phoned.  I was so shocked (I mean seriously, it doesn't feel like they have been dating long enough for her to BE pregnant) the first words out of my mouth were "wow, that was fast".  Perhaps not the most tactful thing I've ever said, but it wasn't about me and my losses so it's kind of a step in the right direction. 

We are going camping this weekend.  Scott, his girlfriend, my cousin and his wife, another couple that don't have kids, and another couple who have two girls I adore.  I am so thankful he told me last night.  I would not have been able to cope with being told with that kind of an audience and no where to run.  Or was left to do the math myself when she's suddenly not accepting a beer, etc.  All I asked is that they don't spend the whole weekend gushing about it.  She doesn't have to hide it, but conversation has to be about something other than babies for me to stay sane.  I can be happy for them, I think Scot is going to be a great dad.  One thing that had me sad about his first marriage was that it looked like they weren't going to have kids and I really thought he should be a dad.  And he's 35, I get that there isn't the time for an engagement and big wedding and crap before having kids (although I do get the impression this was a bit of a happy surprise for them).

I will say, I am doing better today than I expected.  I'm not sad or teary, I've been productive.  I guess I'm just mostly still surprised over it all.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm already scared of when they both have their babies within weeks of each other.

Where does the summer go?

When I was a kid, summer seemed to last forever.  There were the weeks of swimming lessons, a week of family adventures for my dad's holidays, hours and hours on my bike.  But I just went to Summerfolk, the CNE has started and that means that my birthday and Labour Day weekend is not far away.  How crazy is that.  I feel like three blinks ago it was June with the summer ahead of us.

I have multiple blog posts in my head - a little update on the Toronto meet up, the 2 Sorbettos and the A line skirt I've made, a Summerfolk review, our house concert schedule is set...  but I need to get pictures off of Mr. Lina's camera (he was kind enough to take a few pictures for me) and much as I love writing, I seem to like sewing more than writing, Sorbetto variation #5 just needs a hem.  That's a good thing.  :)

So while I get pictures organized... I got a little recognition for my mentoring at work.  A project we worked on to build up my coworkers skills was recognised by her client with a reward that has never gone to a research partner.  Shiny gold star for her and I am so very proud of her.  On the plus side, people are recognising me as her trainer and I really appreciate that.  I got a certificate to put up at my desk and I get to pick a prize from over 200 options.  That sounds like a lot until you start ruling things out,  I don't want a watch/jewellery, I don't have kids, don't golf, I don't need many kitchen appliances.  There are quite a few cool, nice to have things, but nothing that is the clear winner.  I have narrowed it to a few things.

1. Hammock for two with stand - the stand means I don't need trees to use it, but if I'm moving and it's the end of the summer, this is just another thing to pack.
2. Lagostina 7L pressure cooker that I really don't have space for in my kitchen and I've never cooked with a pressure cooker, but it seems kind of cool.
3. Coleman All in One Cooking system - we have a traditional 2 burner Coleman stove, this has multiple cooking surfaces so you can fry and grill as well as use the traditional burner.  But I worry it's a bit small, like you can't be boiling water while cooking eggs which I can do with a two burner stove.  So cool, but not fantastic.
4. DeLonghi Professional Ironing System - this is where I'd appreciate your feedback.  I have a basic iron that I am generally happy with, it does what I need it to do and throws enough steam to hurt my fingers when I'm not careful.  Still... this looks like a neat iron and given the general price point, it should be better than my little iron.  I generally work on the principle of making do with what I have and that makes it hard to pick an iron that doesn't need replacing. 

Decision making isn't always my strong point.  I got this award in June and I got an email reminding me I hadn't picked something.  Two months hasn't helped although I guess I can rule out picking the baby oriented stuff.  The crib and baby monitors were looking tempting in June.  This isn't sad, it's just replaced by the thought that some of the older kid stuff (bikes are one of my options) will be a good choice at some point.

And can I reiterate I hate being told people are pregnant in person?  I feel stunned every time.  It is like I'm a wooden replica of myself that doesn't know what to say.  I say congratulations, but I'm not sure it actually sounds convincing and I don't have any follow up questions.  I immediately start thinking of myself and how this times with either my last loss or how many weeks farther they are than I've made it.  I need time to see this through their eyes.  It just sucks and I hate that I'm probably making them feel awful by not looking happy.

You can imagine that rant didn't come out of the blue.  My youngest brothers wife is pregnant again and they told us last night over Skype.  I will be happy for them, I do love my niece, but I'm not sure I am today.  She is at 7 weeks and my first thought was that I didn't make it that far.  I don't think I realised how much that was bugging me until I started to post.  I really didn't mean to go there, but now I'm leaky for the 3rd time today.  Not the most work appropriate behaviour.

So let's leave this with Vance Gilbert.  I didn't get to see nearly enough of him this weekend at Summerfolk.  This song, Goodbye Pluto, it is about Pluto losing their planetary status, but it's a song that makes Mr. Lina and I a little leaky.  It's a song worth a second listen for the words.

Procrastination

As mentioned, we had the basement and hallways painted.  This required furniture to be moved and while some stuff went to the garage, the rest was moved around the room or into other rooms.  I figured while the furniture was away from the walls, it was a good time to borrow my parents steam cleaner and get to the carpets that haven't been seen in 9 years.  Until last night, there wasn't even a spot in the house where 3 people could sit together that wasn't a bed.

This is a long winded way to say I (we) have a lot of things to move and decide to pack or not pack and I don't really want to do it.

So what is a procrastinator to do? 

ANYTHING else.

And how have I filled my time?

1. Sorbetto #3 (I think it needs back darts, it's a bit puffy and I need pictures to blog)
2. Sorbetto #4 (I do have pictures but not with me at the moment)
3. Toronto Sewing Meet Up on Saturday (and I need pictures to do this justice, short version was that it was a whole lot of fun, so great to meet other bloggers and readers!)
4. Complete addiction to the game Dominion (seriously awesome card/deck building game, Mr. Lina should not have told me about the on line version)
5. Sewed up the fabric I bought at King Fabrics into an A line skirt
6. Wore said skirt to work and lawn bowling (a team event which necessitated light coloured clothing and I have come to realise I don't wear a lot of white)
7. Walks with Mr. Lina
8. Massive amounts of dusting as furniture was moved
9. Sneezed.  I know this is odd to include in a list of things I've done, but I'm sneezing a lot, clearly ragweed season is starting.

I think to get anything done I have to think of something else that I want to do even less. 

I am seriously happy with my white skirt.  Believe you me, I'll be posting about it because there are things that I like about it that make Mr. Lina's eyes glaze over.  I am very pleased by the construction and I find myself thinking about another one and the changes I'd make and what fabric I have in my stash that would work better.  I've already trimmed down the pattern pieces where I think it needed tweaking.  It's just calling my name to try that tweak out.

This is more of a note to myself but... I seem to have a new sleep issue.  Not only am I now an occasional sleep walker and talker (which I haven't done in a while now), but we can add humming to the list.  Twice this week I've woken up Mr. Lina.  Although he tells me the second time it was a ghost humming the tuneless song of its people from my side of the bed.  I appreciate he tried to make it funny.  Googling tells me it's not an issue to my health, but I don't like that it's waking Mr. Lina up.

You know what I'm not?  Sad.  At all. 

Friday night we went to see some very good friends.  On the drive there (about 45 min) I was telling Mr. Lina about some fanstasic Excel-fu I unleashed at work that day.  He doesn't use Excel so most of this was going way over his head and I knew it, but I had to share my pride in making it work.    And then he said it was good to see "Chatty Sera" back again.  I'm a talkative person, to the point when I'm quiet, he worries and is quick to assume I'm angry.  I've been quiet a lot the past few years.  From my perspective, I simply did not have much to say, certainly nothing that was exciting to bubble out of me.  He sees the change.

On Friday morning we met with our fertility doctor for our review of the last FET.  I figured it would at the very least give us closure with the clinic.  I have mentioned that our doctor takes my losses personally, like he should be able to "fix" this problem and I keep stumping him.  He even offered us an IVF cycle for free if I don't make it to 12 weeks of pregnancy.  And we politely declined.  It's not money making me stop, I don't want to do that again.  I appreciate the offer, but it didn't even feel tempting.  I think that's a good sign that I really am honestly good with this.  I'm on the right path and I know it.

Quite likely, there are children out there right now that are going to call me mom.  This has all been part of the journey that is going to make us the right parents for them.

Coping

Thank you so much for all the comments on my last post.  I read each one as they arrived, it was like being surrounded by much needed love. 

I am doing...  okay.  Coping is maybe the best word.

Monday was a bit of a blur.  My parents met us at the clinic, the plan being they would take Mr. Lina to pick up his car that was in for warranty body work while we were gone.  When I walked out of the clinic, my mom was walking towards me and all I could do was shake my head and I was enveloped in a tearful hug.  Dad took Mr. Lina to get his car, Mom drove me home.  My parents stayed until about 3 and by that point I was still stunned, too stunned to really feel anything. 

Since they left, time has passed oddly, sometimes dragging, sometimes I'm surprised to find myself hungry again.  We had a 5 hour black out (6pm-11pm) thanks to the storm that hit Toronto.  This is much better than other areas of the city, a friend was without power for 24 hours and his last Facebook status indicated his neighbours across the street were still without power hours after his came back.  I have spent time on the phone with my parents talking about everything but "the m word".  My walking friend came over for a chat this morning.  People have emailed me, I have replied when I can.

My workplace has been fantastic.  On Tuesday morning, I sent an email to my manager and our director.  I told them I wasn't sure what kind of time I was going to need, this is about mental health more than physical.  Given that nothing developed, this has not been physically difficult.  Not without pain, but I have known worse.  We are so short handed at work and trying to train new people...  I know they need me.  And yet, in reply I was told by my director that I came first.  My health was more important and I should take whatever time I need.  I know this, but it is something I needed to hear so I don't rush back early with a false sense of guilt.  I am going to take it one day at a time, not looking too far ahead.  And today, the two of them sent me flowers.  Flowers.


My crazy hops plant, post trimming.

I am struggling to sleep.  I don't feel particularly tired during the day, I feel unsettled.  Sometimes I can sit and read, other times I need to putter - dusting at random, a single load of laundry, packing up my leftover medication, hacking at the explosion of plants (notably the hops above) and weeds in front garden, crocheting.  I bought a gift for my niece, her birthday is coming and it will take time to be shipped so far.  I lack focus.  I thought a house plant needed watering, I took the bottle I keep near it into the kitchen.  I don't remember exactly when I did that or what distracted me, but I found the water bottle full in the sink this afternoon.  I have had moments of crying, but not as many as you might think.  It's still a little surreal, this doesn't feel... final.  But I know it is.

Clearly more emotion could be aimed at the weeds in my roses.

Mr. Lina can't talk about it yet.  We cuddle, he holds me when I cry and we talked nonsense at 1am when neither of us could sleep.  He sends me lots of DVR times when the kittens are being cute to make me smile.  But for him, life is carrying on - he's gone to work, he's at a concert tonight with a friend.  His crazy director left the company, so he actually had something to celebrate yesterday.  And going on with "normal" is okay too, for now.  We often feel the impact and grief at different times, I know his time will come and I will be in a better state to help him when he gets there.  But he's not ready to listen to me either, and that is unusual.  On the plus side, I don't really have much to say yet.

I have booked an appointment to see our therapist tomorrow night.  Mr. Lina has a production meeting that has been cancelled three times (including Monday) that he would like to continue on with.  And that's fine.  I'm not sure he's ready to hear me talk anyhow and the first visit will be a lot of catch up on what's happened.  The rest of our appointments will be together, but I need to see her to start opening up a little more than stating facts like it's someone else I'm talking about.  She will be key to us getting real closure on this chapter of our lives.

One thing I am feeling is anger at my body.  I can't look at myself naked right now, no lingering between the shower and getting dressed.  This is going to sound irrational but it's the way I feel, no one said it had to be logical.  I'm angry at my breasts for lying to me and I don't want to observe the changes as they go back to normal.  I don't even want to support them with a proper bra.  I don't want to see the bruises on my abdomen that are a reminder of what I was doing to make this work.  I'm not speaking to my uterus, it should not be empty.  Writing that, thinking about that, acknowledging that there is intent behind my behaviour, that makes me feel something and tear up.  (But no, I will not end up a never nude like Tobias, I will like my breasts again when they fit in my very pretty bra.)

I guess this seems like a bit of a list.  As I say, it's like talking about someone else with the exception of the last paragraph.  The hard emotional work will come.

Quick Post

I have thought of posting a couple of times and yet so little is happening, I don't have much to say.

We've switched my progesterone.  The endometrin and my skin were not getting a long.  Now I'm taking prometrium, 2 pills 3 times a day.  The down side is that I feel awful for about an hour in the morning.  It's like I get all the crappy parts of being drunk - dizzy, heavy limbs, uncoordinated, tired, etc etc.  The first time I wasn't quite sure I was going to make it to the couch upright.  After 3 days of this, I can feel it starting and lie down.  This is going to make driving to and from work rather challenging. 

Speaking of work, yet another coworker has quit.  So I'm back to having 2 clients and being at client offices 5 days a week at least until the end of July.  It has been made clear to the new client this is temporary, I'm not staying.  So, Thursday I start a new adventure of meeting yet another set of people.

Father's Day was a simple dinner.  Just my parents, my brother and us.  My mom had a wisdom tooth pulled and it hasn't healed well, she's still a little fuzzy on medications, we're a good pair.  Sadly dinner ended with my other brother phoning with bad news.  His wife's parents house caught on fire on Saturday night.  2:30 am, their dog woke them up as the flames from their neighbours spread to their house taking out the whole second story.  Everyone is fine, but the fire spread across 3 houses (the house that started the blaze was abandoned because of a fire 3 months ago, bit suspicious, no?).  Those of you in Toronto might have seen it on the news.  So, my thoughts are aimed at my brothers in laws.  Again, they are fine and have family to stay with, we can be thankful for the big things, but so many pictures, mementos and my SIL's wedding dress are gone.  Things like that you can't replace.

Here we go...

Are you guys ready for a ride?  We're about to set off on my last FET cycle.  I was one day away from taking a pregnancy test (while highly unlikely, it's not impossible for me to get pregnant naturally) but it seems Day 1 is here.  All those hormone issues were just PMS.  This period seems to be making up for being MIA since I don't know, Christmas?  I've had spotting a couple of times but right no real clear Day 1 in quite some time.  My uterus is taking revenge today.

This will be the second FET that I've blogged and I'm planning on sharing the process again.  It's a good outlet for me.  I think I've tagged all the FET cycle posts  from last year if you weren't reading at the time and would like to look back.  After meeting with my doctor I posted the "game plan" here.  I believe the only change will be the addition of Humira, an immune suppressing drug typically used by people with things like rhumatoid arthritis or Crohn's.  I posted about being a little uneasy about taking it in November.  I have a friend who used it recently and it's made me feel more comfortable to take it. 

Procedures have changed significantly it seems with the clinic.  I like working within procedure (I assume they set them up for a reason) but I feel frustrated when I don't know what is "right".  As an example, I phoned to book my Day 3 appointment to find out my nurse coordinator needs to requisition the appointment.  I guess it's suppose to make it easier on me (and them to keep track) to have one point of contact but I'm used to calling for these things myself.  On the plus side, the receptionist knows me well enough to rhyme off my birth date without having to hear my name a second time and sent a note to my nurse on my behalf.

It's moments like this that I feel good and bad.  Good to have staff that know me.  Sad that I've been there long enough for them to know me that well.

The start of my last FET has some mixed feelings.  First off, these cramps really hurt and I wasn't really expecting Day 1 today, so that is clouding my ability to think.  Day 1 is also sad because it means I didn't need a pregnancy test.  But... I am happy to get the ball rolling on this cycle.  It's exciting to try again.  I can also feel the "enough already" frustration with the clinic, signs that I'm done with this path. 

I have 2 voice mails (and now an email) asking if I've taken Humira yet, which I haven't, no one told me what day to take it so I haven't.  This is all so carefully choreographed I don't take anything I'm not told to do.  I don't even have the prescription filled.  So far as I knew, Humira does not have to be timed with ovulation/cycle days, it is the first domino in this FET.  But, I was under the impression my first dose will be mid-cycle.  Given that my period could arrive any day, it didn't seem to me like a good time to start it.  Now that it's here, I called because that's what my introduction paperwork said to do, but that is at home and I am at work so I can't double check but I remember questioning that box being ticked in the "to do" column.  And of course, today I left my phone in my coat pocket at home so I'm playing telephone tag with the nurse and it's after 3pm so they are likely leaving the office (their day starts around 5:30 or 6am).  Argh.

Believe me this will be much more interesting in June.

Ramble On

* Edited to add a picture of my poor toe.
I started a sewing post yesterday (yes, I have been productive in my vaguely "tidy" sewing room) but it is going to have to wait (it would be better with pictures anyhow).  My thoughts are rather jumbled so let's do a list, shall we?

• I hurt (broke/cracked/jammed?) my right middle toe last night.  We were taking out the garbage I was looking up at the house rather than where my feet were going and I stepped on the curb of the driveway at a bad angle.  This pulled my foot in one way and my crappy ballet flat in the other and pinched my toes.  I really can't explain how it happened, all I know is my shoe was not on my foot by the time I looked down and some not nice words were coming out of my mouth.
• On the plus side, I didn't hurt my ankle.
• You don't realize how important toes are until they hurt.

Poor toe.  It wasn't this bruised when I left for work.

• Weird things are going on with my hormones
• My breasts are sore.
• I think they are also getting bigger, looking at where the under wire lines are on my body at the end of the day, they aren't far enough back.
• I started crying on the drive home last night.
• I cried on my drive to work.
• Granted, both happened while I was listening to the news about the bombing in Boston so it's not without reason, but I'm not sure that's the only reason.
• I am not unhappy.
• But... what if this is where it starts?  I don't want to ignore signs like what feel like disproportionate tears.
• Remember how my manager quit?  I told my new manager about my fertility issues yesterday.
• Rather than replacing my former manager directly with someone senior, they are using that salary to hire two junior positions. It's a good call in my book, we need more people to do the work that is being sold.
• Someone else on our team quit, her last day is Tuesday.
• This requires shuffling people to meet her client facing responsibilities.  Her client days (and mine) are paid for by that client, we can't have a gap.
• I was offered being on site one day a week with a client as part of the shuffling.  I turned it down.
• It's probably the first time I've made a decision on what I (didn't) want to do at work.
• Why not?  We're hiring three new people in the next few months (I gather two are pretty much decided on) and they will need support.  If training others is what I enjoy doing, I'd rather have the time to do it. 
• Besides, I kind of admitted to myself (and my new manager), I'm a bit bored with my client facing role.  Two days a week is enough.
• In order to build up the skills of our two most junior on sites, they will now be sending their work through me before sending it to the client.  I like this, a chance to work with them to build their skill set and bring another perspective to a project. 
• Honestly, both of them come to me with questions anyhow, it's just being formalized that I'll see the finished work too.  They won't feel like they are pestering me and I will get recognition for helping them.  Win-win.

So lots of stuff going on right now.  Honest, sewing post is coming soon.  It involves draping purple broad cloth of all things.

Le Sigh

You know emotionally I've had a good few weeks.  In early January I felt a few red flags going off as I was passively letting time go, maybe hiding from what I should feel, but it's been okay lately.  Not a lot of bad thoughts, I did some sewing for Mr. Lina, I've enjoyed spending time with my niece.  It's been okay.

Well, that's come to a grinding halt.

I've had a few headaches since Friday.  Not overly painful, but they leave me with the fuzzy headed feeling I have while taking migraine medications.  Things like... more word slips (like saying to the waitress on Sunday "We'll have the calamari as a sausage"), slower to make connections between things, struggling to figure out the best way to get from A to B (be that analytic process or driving), forgetting about training that was in my calendar (that was yesterday).  I didn't get everything done on Friday that I wanted to, but chalked it up to my headache and figured I'd make it up on the weekend.  Alas, I did not.

Monday and Tuesday, I started to ignore emails.  Then I'd feel my heart beating when I thought about that unread email.  But I didn't want to read it because I knew what was in there was more work.  Or a query about work I was suppose to have done on Friday.  Overwhelming is the word I keep coming back to.

I am fine face to face.  I am fine with Mr. Lina.  I am fine emailing non-work people, having lunch with a friend yesterday, but things just aren't right.  Yesterday I had a coworker ask me on communicator if I was okay, I didn't seem right to him.  Seriously, you can tell from a chat window?  That was actually what pushed me from "it's just a day" to "what the fuck".  Next email was from my manager asking if I was okay.

I had a bath last night, went to bed a little early, put my book away and promptly started to cry.  I don't know why.  I'm not sad, I'm not particularly baby sad, I have no bad things to associate with February. I have really negative thoughts circling around about not being able to do things (which is reinforced by sausage vs starter moments) or not wanting to be here or just wanting people to go away.  I don't get it.  I don't even know what to talk about to get it out.  I don't have the words to explain why, this post is all about "what" so maybe when I reread it, I'll see the why.
 
I just found a mistake in work I wanted to send off today.  Actually I wanted to wrap it up on Friday to look proactive with this quarterly project that I typically fall behind on, it's really due tomorrow.  But here I am finding a mistake at 6 pm.

On one hand, I'm happy I found it.

On the other, why can't I just do it right?  I went slow, I checked along the way, ARRRRGH.

And now it's snowing and really windy so my drive home is going to be crappy.

And I still have to fix that mistake and prep for a meeting at 9:30 tomorrow morning on something completely different.  AARRRRRGH.

I don't know if I should wish that the weekend was here or not because it just means there is that much more to get done in that much less time. 

Thanks for listening.  I just couldn't face redoing my work without getting some of this out first.

What a week

I've been pretty quiet here.  Tuesday I had a migraine and after that I've just been either too busy or too tired to think.  So here are the highlights...

• Attended another film festival, The Blood in the Snow festival in Toronto
• It was good, The Projection Room on Gerrard is a great space for a festival
• The movies I saw were well done although not all were my taste.
• At least I'm not frustrated with them like last week, I don't mind movies clearly done on a budget but I can't deal with stories that don't make sense.
• Craft show season is wrapping up for Mom and it shows, she's tired.
• Hell, I'm tired and I didn't sew all the stuff we've been selling.
• Still lining things up for the next FET but I'm not in a rush now that I have figured out timing, Humira adds a lot of time to the pre-transfer time.
• Soonest the transfer could be at this point is early February, friends are planning a group trip somewhere warm in late February.
• I may as well put off the FET to March and drink my fair share on a beach somewhere rather than rushing it and worrying about things going wrong in Mexico or Cuba.
• My girlfriends from university had their Christmas get together yesterday
• It was fun, but again, I kind of had to take a few big breaths to squish down the discomfort before opening the door.
• And today I'm overtired and broke my rule of no crying while driving on 400 series highways. 
• And it's not like my friends have it easy.
• One husband has just been declared in remission from testicular cancer (YAY!)
• One son was diagnosed with cancer at 6 months, he's 7 now but still not completely in the clear and seems to end up with things like gallstones or kidney stones when his cancer is doing well so she spends a lot of time in various hospitals.
• One friend had to go through IVF for her son and based on that experience, they won't have more kids (biologically at least).
• Two have had multiple miscarriages after having their first child.
• Still, I can't help but feel sad to see 12 kids at a party and none of them are mine.
• It also showed me how much I've stopped talking to them when no one knew just how many pregnancies I've had.
• Work is well, crazy just about sums it up.  I'll be happy when January is here from that perspective.
• On the plus side, I started drafting up my performance review today and it's going to be okay.
• I have barely had the energy to read blogs never mind sew.  Progress is slow on my Burda dress, that doesn't mean I'm not interested or frustrated, I'm just tired enough to make mistakes.

I'm going to hop in the bath and go to bed early.  Hopefully that will make tomorrow less painful.

A cap full of feathers

It's been quite the weekend Chez Lina's.

Friday night, we hosted Tim Williams.  Oh my, if you ever get the chance and are remotely interested in blues, music history, Hawaiian guitar, make the effort to see him.  It was a really fascinating night of music and stories. 

Saturday, we were off to Local Focus 5, a Kitchener-Waterloo film festival.  The Post Lifers was aired yesterday with other short films.  We went, some friends of mine came as well as the guys involved in the film.  It was nice to go for a beverage after the show.  Just a few minutes ago they were awarded best short film.  That's three festivals now that they have won best short film. 

Today Mr. Lina is at the awards ceremony and what am I doing?  Work.  I have a lot due tomorrow which is why I haven't been posting much this week.  Way too much.  A presentation in the morning and a huge map project due by Tuesday.  Not fun.  Well, the presentation will be fun, but getting it ready is not so much fun.

So, I'll be sitting here with my computer, listening to the Grey Cup game on the radio.  Oh wait, that isn't going to make much sense to the majority of people if my stats page is correct.  Canada has their own football league, CFL and the Grey Cup is the final game of the season.  Toronto is playing Calgary and hosting this year, the 100th anniversary of the Grey Cup.  Hosting is decided before the season starts so there isn't always a "hometown" team playing but it lets the city really plan ahead for the game.  I don't really follow football much, although I have to say the games are hella fun to go to and people who are fans are pretty rabid fans.  But given that Toronto is in the game, well, I gotta say
AAAARRRRRGGGGGOOOOSSS!

Here we go again

I'd like to thank Nothy at Aft Agley for her Burda giveaway.  I was lucky to win her last giveaway but you can too!  She has another Burda up for grabs.  I have never used Burda before so I was excited to win as a way to see what all the fuss is about.  There are some cute dresses in this issue but while my eye likes some of the ones with front pleats, I'm not sure that's a good spot for pleats on me.  I think I'd like to tackle this dress first.

From Aft Agley

The neckline and wrap feels like something that would suit me well and fit in my work wardrobe perfectly.  Although her posture and arm is a little odd, I hope that isn't hiding a gaping neckline.

And now into the non-sewing update.

I am in the prep stages for our next (and final) frozen embryo transfer cycle.  I know this is going to be a really hard cycle.  I am ready for it to be the last, but that doesn't mean it will be easy.  I'm already noticing some differences between what is in my head (just get it over with) and my behaviour (waiting 4 days to book an appointment).

I have agreed to trying the drug Humira with this cycle.  It's pretty controversial, there is no real proof it is going to work but there is also nothing saying it won't.  The immunologist we saw last year wouldn't recommend it but my doctor does.  May I say it sucks to be at the cutting edge of medicine?  No one has a single answer to agree on and I'm left in the middle basing decisions on trust because research sure isn't giving me an empirical reason one way or another.

Humira suppresses your immune system.  It is generally prescribed for autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis, Chrone's, colitis, etc.  I've taken other drugs to suppress my immune system but this one is another class of drugs all together.  My drug plan will cover it if my doctor fills out a form to say it's needed.  Even with 80% coverage, it's not cheap.  Injections happen two weeks apart and the start of Humira is the domino that sets everything else for this cycle in motion.

Humira does such a good job of suppression, I can't take it until I've been checked for tuberculosis.  So I'm off to my family doctor today for a TB test and booking a chest x-ray.  Part of me is annoyed that the clinic didn't mention this back in July, I could have had this done a little sooner but I don't have a time machine so I can't do much about that.  I guess I have dragged my feet about it because it highlights again the risks I'm taking to myself with this drug. 

I also have to get a sonohystogram done and both of us need STD screening done and given that my last period was September, a pregnancy test.  Sonos are not all that horrible, advil worthy, like being hit with the worst cramps out of the blue, but I know it ends and I know the pain is short.  They fill up my uterus and fallopian tubes with saline and check by ultrasound that there aren't any blockages, abnormalities, etc.  If you have blockages, from what I've read this can be really painful as the saline tries to push past.  STD screening is only good for 6 months so it feels like I am always getting this done.  I don't care so much, I have to be there for other blood work and ultrasounds, but Mr. Lina drags his heels.  He doesn't like needles, they draw a lot of blood for that test, and he has to go out of his way to do it.

And the pregnancy test.  My last period was just before my birthday in September.  Something is going on with my hormones, my breasts are crazy tender, it is enough that I did a home pregnancy test the other morning to put my mind at ease when accepting a glass of wine.  But no, either my HCG level was below 25 or something else is going on.  Maybe my period is going to arrive soon and my progesterone levels are rising.  The clinic tests are more sensitive, I am okay with them testing for me again to be sure before doing all this.

I am so done with all this poking and prodding.  It just feels annoying to me, not exciting that we're starting a new cycle.  Usually I don't mind some of this because it means something is happening, hope returns and all that.  Now I'm dragging my feet at the same time I'm impatient to get it over with.

I just want to be a mom.

Just Put it Out There

When we were at OCFF, I was part of a conversation about putting your needs out there and somehow the universe will pick it up.  Call it prayer, call it fate, whatever, we were calling it the universe.

The specific example was about instruments.  All three are involved in a youth music program.  One of the musicians had a contact that offered guitars but things fell through.  But this actually raised the question if the youth even wanted to play guitars.  Maybe they really needed harmonicas or drums or mandolins.  Each had an example of a time where they either needed something, or when they could provide something for someone.  Maybe they just needed to put the word out there that there was need and the universe would deliver.

The universe just looked out for me.

I have a presentation to give tomorrow, more of a training session than presentation.  I am scheduled from 9-12 with a fire drill in the middle giving us a break so I have to be a little flexible on how long that break is.

I don't know this client, I haven't really worked on their categories even.  So for all of the examples, I had to create data, not just borrow stuff I had and learn about their brands so I don't stick my foot in my mouth.

I was trying to figure out the handout situation.  It is too big to print every page and why kill a tree for heading slides?  So I saved as and started trimming down to what I thought would make a good hand out of the best oh, 20 slides.  I could have just hidden them, but no, it's a new file, I'll delete.

You know what I didn't do?

Save the damn file before I saved as. 

So the version I have saved?  It was about 3 hours old. 

I realize this at 4:45.  I email Mr. Lina.  I am not sure if I'm going to cry or puke or what but it sure wasn't feeling good.

And then at 4:51, 1 minute after hitting send on that email to Mr. Lina, they email to cancel.

I should not be happy that someone is in the hospital, but I am.  I so am. 

I am going to go home and appreciate every second of time I am not spending on recreating that presentation.  I'll have to do that at some point, but not right now.

Just call me Hopalong

Mr. Lina and I are off to OCFF this weekend.  Yes, we joined the Ontario Council of Folk Festivals so we can go to their conference.  Starting tonight until Sunday morning, it's going to be a fantastic mix of music, workshops, and meeting people - both new to us and reconnecting with people we've hosted.  As such, I have tomorrow booked off of work and today is like a Friday to me.  Somehow as a 3 day week, this has been long enough.

My doctor says that I sprained my ankle.  3 of the ligaments specifically, although he did point out that I did not hurt my foot, the inside ankle nor the bones.  I wasn't all that worried about any of that myself because none of them hurt, but I suppose it's good to know.  So for now, you can call me Hopalong Cassidy.

Wikipedia

Rest, ice, support and time (2-3 weeks) will heal my ankle.  I need to wear flat shoes (figured that out already) and use a tensor bandage/brace to give it support if I'm going to be walking much. 

Three weeks in flat shoes means I needed new shoes.  I have been wearing my crappy summer ballet flats this week but the only good thing about them is they are flat and red.  I have some running shoes that are good for supporting my foot but they aren't work appropriate and my winter boots are too warm.  I have realized I do not like flat shoes.  I mean visually, I never look at flats and say "oooh look at the pretty shoe".  Never.  It was really hard to keep my eyes off the pretty shoes and look only at the boring shoes.  And at that, I wanted flats with some kind of arch support and grippy sole.  I also didn't want to spend much time walking to get them.

It's like being told you can go and buy fabric and since you need this for a specific project and you need it today, price is not the dominant factor in your purchase.  And you see lovely velvets and laces, linen and silk, but you know that's not suited to the project.  You have to go to the back of the store for the polar fleece and broadcloth.  Not to knock broadcloth nor polar fleece, both have some perfectly practical uses, but would you call it pretty?  Would you wear it to a dinner party or a wedding?  Cinderella was not dressed up in polar fleece.

After going to a shoe store with too many pretty shoes and the only functional flat shoes were not my size, I thought of checking out Mark's Work Wearhouse (added benefit of being the next store over).  I have bought practical black heels from them and even their dressy shoes have a "Tarantula" anti slip sole that is pretty handy on winter shoes and should keep me sure-footed while my ankle heals.  I purchased these:

Source

I cannot believe I'm wearing shoes that have velcro.  What is wrong with buckles?  But it was those, or these:

Source

 

I know it goes higher and might support my ankle more, but I just couldn't do that shoe in a skirt.  If this is the shoe I'm wearing for the majority of the next three weeks, I need skirts.  At least the Mary Janes I can wear with either pants or a skirt and look a practical version of cute.  I tried them on with a tensor bandage on so I knew I could fit that if need more support.  Seriously I do not think I've gone 3 weeks wearing nothing but flat shoes since I finished university, this is a real adjustment for me.  

  

Triple TGIF

Why a Triple TGIF?

One is for it being an early close day.
Two is for it being a long weekend.
Three is for my birthday on Sunday.

I'm tired, it's time for a list...

• Ragweed season has firmly hit me.
• My sinuses are somewhat under control but I would like my ears to stop being itchy.
• Oh and that palate itchiness?  Yeah, that can go away too.
• A card must be going around my office.  I'm at my client site and I'm getting birthday emails from people I'm not friends with outside of work, how do they know?
• I like birthdays.
• Well, maybe not the number associated with it specifically, but that's more of a biological clock thing than a "oh no I'm getting older" thing.
• Really, would I want to not experience any of the years I have?  Then why would I wish them away by lying?
• I brought new meaning to labour day weekend for my mom in 1975.
• Isn't it lovely that many of you have a long weekend to celebrate with me?
• I have done good work this week.
• You may have noticed a reduction in commenting on blogs, I blame work.
• And house cleaning.
• I only really clean for company, a lack of house concerts and visitors has lead to a whole lot of clutter over the summer.
• A Manitoban friend will be visiting over the weekend (although staying with someone else).
• I hope I like his new girlfriend.
• Some people have very bad radar when it comes to picking a partner.
• This makes me suspicious and protective if I feel the slightest red flag go off.
• We're going to wineries tomorrow, lunch in Jordan by Cave Springs, probably hit Angel's Gate, maybe Fielding, Flat Rock, perhaps Megalomaniac, Organized Crime...
• Much as I love Chateau des Charmes, Palatine (which we often refer to as Palpatine from Star Wars) and Sunnybrook, I'm kind of suspecting that our money will be spent before we get to Niagara on the Lake.
• And we're all coming back to my house after.
• 2 drivers and roughly 6 very happy adults.
• I think I better stock up on some wine absorbing snacks.
• Is it sad that my plan for an early close day is grocery shopping?
• Whatever, it's not work.
• My body has a sense of humour.
• So one day of spotting (July 27) since the last FET cycle ended in early June.
• Yesterday, my uterus decided it was time to rejoin the land of women.
• Because I just love cramps as a birthday present.
• The happiness I feel for Day 1 ends the minute the cramps start.
• I think they are making up for lost time.
• I should buy some Advil stock.
• I wonder if the Advil folks make Arius, my favourite antihistamine.
• That would double the reason to invest.
• Samantha Martin did a house concert with us last June and is entered in a television contest on CMT "Big in a Small Town"
• She's got a crazy powerful voice (see below), a lovely, bubbly personality, and if you agree with me, you can vote for her on the link above.

Okay, time to do some work so I CAN leave early.  Take it Sam...

The downside to training

Apparently in my haste yesterday, I did a crappy proof reading job, I've made minor tweaks...

Sometimes, it's just faster to do it yourself. 

I am a shade frustrated with that.

I need to remind myself he won't learn if I do it.


Even if it would be faster.

This project is beyond his skills to be as independent as my manager thinks he should be with it.

Did I mention it's due tomorrow?

Guess who I'm going to do see tonight?

I am going to hold a baby.

Maybe that will make this project disappear.

I'm sure it will feel good while I've got the baby.

I am not so sure it's going to feel good when I leave the baby behind.

I should have put this in bullet points from the outset, shouldn't I?

My mom is convinced my half Vietnamese niece looks like me. 

Really? 

I suspect she is saying that to make me show up and see for myself.

At least she'll have better ears if they are like mine rather than my brothers. 

Clone could give Prince Charles a good run for his money.

And I freaking missed the employee store in my efforts to work on that stupid project. 

Damn it.

I could use some chocolate too.

Clearly.

At least traffic will be lighter going home...