Super Aunt!

Welcome to the week of Super Aunt.

You may remember that both of my brothers somehow had partners with synchronized ovulation and ended up with due dates one day apart - April 4th and 5th.  How that happens when they live literally 4,500 km (give or take depending on your route) apart, I'm not sure but it did.

Clone (the youngest of us) arrived in time to have a few days with his wife and my niece before my nephew arrived on Saturday, April 5th.  Both my nephew and my SIL are doing really well, I gather he's a pretty hungry baby and feeding well.  With my cough and congestion, I'm not in a rush to meet him, but he is adorable.

Skin time with his dad.

And I just got word that Scot and his fiance are on the way to the hospital.  My mom went to have lunch with his fiance and her mom (who came from Venezuela for the birth) only to find they were off to the hospital because her water broke.  So... more to come on that front.  We know they are having a boy too so I'm going to have a lot of nephew stories.

I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling about all of this.  Being sick is (again) giving me a reason to not join the family fray trying to meet the babies.  I would not wish 2 plus weeks of congestion onto the babies nor the new parents, it's best to keep my distance a little while longer.  While true, I think it also gives me a level of plausible deniability.

I love babies.  I want to hold my nephew (and soon to arrive nephew) so much but there is a cost to holding babies.  I know it's going to make me cry, heck just writing that is making me leaky.  I can't do it when lots of people are around and right now, it seems like it is parent and grandparent time more than aunt time.  I really can't do it with my brothers in laws around.  Being sick is a good reason not to go right now but really, it's an excuse for something I'd be avoiding anyhow.

Soon, but not quite yet.  That feels more honest and I have to be honest with myself about this so I can put on the brave face and lie when I have to.

Aunt X2

So not only is my youngest brother (Clone) going to be a dad for the second time...

My middle brother (Scot) is also going to be a dad. 

With his girlfriend (who I do think is a good match for him), but they have only been dating since May.

On the plus side, apparently my two brothers talked prior to Scot telling me last night.  How do I know?  Scot talked to Mr. Lina in the afternoon and told him first, wanting advice on how to approach me.  Scot said that "apparently Skype isn't a good way".  No kidding. 

I love my brothers and I know how much they want to treat me with kid gloves.  I guess the thing is they don't know what to do, they (fortunately) cannot empathise nor read my mind.  And the truth is, there isn't a good way.  It's going to suck for me regardless of how they say it.  Giving me space lets me have the illusion with them that it doesn't suck so much.

Mr. Lina's advice was that it's like a band aid, just tell me.  I'll deal with it.  Don't wait to do it in person, just get it over with and I will be okay.

So Scot phoned.  I was so shocked (I mean seriously, it doesn't feel like they have been dating long enough for her to BE pregnant) the first words out of my mouth were "wow, that was fast".  Perhaps not the most tactful thing I've ever said, but it wasn't about me and my losses so it's kind of a step in the right direction. 

We are going camping this weekend.  Scott, his girlfriend, my cousin and his wife, another couple that don't have kids, and another couple who have two girls I adore.  I am so thankful he told me last night.  I would not have been able to cope with being told with that kind of an audience and no where to run.  Or was left to do the math myself when she's suddenly not accepting a beer, etc.  All I asked is that they don't spend the whole weekend gushing about it.  She doesn't have to hide it, but conversation has to be about something other than babies for me to stay sane.  I can be happy for them, I think Scot is going to be a great dad.  One thing that had me sad about his first marriage was that it looked like they weren't going to have kids and I really thought he should be a dad.  And he's 35, I get that there isn't the time for an engagement and big wedding and crap before having kids (although I do get the impression this was a bit of a happy surprise for them).

I will say, I am doing better today than I expected.  I'm not sad or teary, I've been productive.  I guess I'm just mostly still surprised over it all.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm already scared of when they both have their babies within weeks of each other.

Where does the summer go?

When I was a kid, summer seemed to last forever.  There were the weeks of swimming lessons, a week of family adventures for my dad's holidays, hours and hours on my bike.  But I just went to Summerfolk, the CNE has started and that means that my birthday and Labour Day weekend is not far away.  How crazy is that.  I feel like three blinks ago it was June with the summer ahead of us.

I have multiple blog posts in my head - a little update on the Toronto meet up, the 2 Sorbettos and the A line skirt I've made, a Summerfolk review, our house concert schedule is set...  but I need to get pictures off of Mr. Lina's camera (he was kind enough to take a few pictures for me) and much as I love writing, I seem to like sewing more than writing, Sorbetto variation #5 just needs a hem.  That's a good thing.  :)

So while I get pictures organized... I got a little recognition for my mentoring at work.  A project we worked on to build up my coworkers skills was recognised by her client with a reward that has never gone to a research partner.  Shiny gold star for her and I am so very proud of her.  On the plus side, people are recognising me as her trainer and I really appreciate that.  I got a certificate to put up at my desk and I get to pick a prize from over 200 options.  That sounds like a lot until you start ruling things out,  I don't want a watch/jewellery, I don't have kids, don't golf, I don't need many kitchen appliances.  There are quite a few cool, nice to have things, but nothing that is the clear winner.  I have narrowed it to a few things.

1. Hammock for two with stand - the stand means I don't need trees to use it, but if I'm moving and it's the end of the summer, this is just another thing to pack.
2. Lagostina 7L pressure cooker that I really don't have space for in my kitchen and I've never cooked with a pressure cooker, but it seems kind of cool.
3. Coleman All in One Cooking system - we have a traditional 2 burner Coleman stove, this has multiple cooking surfaces so you can fry and grill as well as use the traditional burner.  But I worry it's a bit small, like you can't be boiling water while cooking eggs which I can do with a two burner stove.  So cool, but not fantastic.
4. DeLonghi Professional Ironing System - this is where I'd appreciate your feedback.  I have a basic iron that I am generally happy with, it does what I need it to do and throws enough steam to hurt my fingers when I'm not careful.  Still... this looks like a neat iron and given the general price point, it should be better than my little iron.  I generally work on the principle of making do with what I have and that makes it hard to pick an iron that doesn't need replacing. 

Decision making isn't always my strong point.  I got this award in June and I got an email reminding me I hadn't picked something.  Two months hasn't helped although I guess I can rule out picking the baby oriented stuff.  The crib and baby monitors were looking tempting in June.  This isn't sad, it's just replaced by the thought that some of the older kid stuff (bikes are one of my options) will be a good choice at some point.

And can I reiterate I hate being told people are pregnant in person?  I feel stunned every time.  It is like I'm a wooden replica of myself that doesn't know what to say.  I say congratulations, but I'm not sure it actually sounds convincing and I don't have any follow up questions.  I immediately start thinking of myself and how this times with either my last loss or how many weeks farther they are than I've made it.  I need time to see this through their eyes.  It just sucks and I hate that I'm probably making them feel awful by not looking happy.

You can imagine that rant didn't come out of the blue.  My youngest brothers wife is pregnant again and they told us last night over Skype.  I will be happy for them, I do love my niece, but I'm not sure I am today.  She is at 7 weeks and my first thought was that I didn't make it that far.  I don't think I realised how much that was bugging me until I started to post.  I really didn't mean to go there, but now I'm leaky for the 3rd time today.  Not the most work appropriate behaviour.

So let's leave this with Vance Gilbert.  I didn't get to see nearly enough of him this weekend at Summerfolk.  This song, Goodbye Pluto, it is about Pluto losing their planetary status, but it's a song that makes Mr. Lina and I a little leaky.  It's a song worth a second listen for the words.

Check In

I have started posting a couple of times and I'm still struggling to find the right words.  I have so many trees that I'm struggling to see the forest.  Just so this isn't totally pictureless, I'm going to add a few vacation pictures from our time in Manitoba.  I came back to "bad things" and didn't really get to talk about our vacation.  It was very restful but I look tired in every picture.

In general, I'm doing quite well.  I've been able to focus at work most of the time.  I'm not a teary mess prone to negative thoughts, nor a complete space cadet (although I did leave my purse at home on Thursday).  I can see a little anger poking through now and again through sarcasm or self depreciating humour, but it's little peeks, not full blown craziness. 

Does this look like someone who slept 10 hours?

Physically, things are also good.  I pretty much fit back into my old bras.  The bruises on my abdomen are pale brown, if they were elsewhere you might think I missed a spot with sunscreen and have a strange tan line.  I somehow lost a little weight.  That has helped with my body acceptance.  I don't feel fat on top of not speaking to my uterus and I fit into another pair of pants.  I'm about 10lbs down from my high weight and looking at my book of measurements, my waist is the same size as it was in 2007 (granted it was an inch smaller in 2010, I still have a little ways to go).  I don't really have the resources to focus on weight loss, I'd just like to continue making wiser choices and keep an eye on my portion sizes.  I'm not in a rush and this seems to be working.

I am struggling to do some things I would have avoided while pregnant.  I guess to do some of these things I really have to be okay that it's done.  Really done-done.  This is where I see a little disconnect.  I'm not sad, I can talk about what happened and adoption, and yet I can't seem to accept a diet Coke or a glass of wine.  I am easing into these things and trying not to make a big deal of it either way (neither beating myself up for not being ready nor forcing myself to do it).  I'll get there.  I've had a few sips of Mr. Lina's beer and is it really such a bad thing to not have artificial sweetners?  Weight loss sure is easier if I'm not drinking a bottle of wine.

Mr. Lina is doing a little better too.  Not that we've talked much about the loss specifically, but we both seem to feel like we've said as much as we can on the previous losses and we are able to talk about what's next.  He is starting to say things that he will miss because we won't experience a new born baby.  It's a start.  When I went to see our therapist I went on my own.  I was worried at first she would think things weren't good with us, she's often commented on the strength of our relationship.  But she agreed with me, if he wasn't ready to talk to her, that's okay and it was okay for me to come on my own.  I'm pretty sure he's coming with me on Thursday for the second appointment.

Moving onto adoption is a big domino to over turn.  We had already said we would need to move, so naturally that's next on the to-do list.  (Side note, it's not Children's Aid Society/Family & Child Services (CAS/FACS depending on the region) that would require us to move, but this isn't our "with-kids-forever-house" and it's not fair to adopt siblings and realize 3 days in that there isn't enough space and putting them through more upheaval.  I'm not giving up my sewing room.)  I'm not sure how ready I am for that.  It's making me more likely to pitch things while cleaning up, but it's moving that makes me feel overwhelmed when I really think about it.  I'm not sure where we should go to, which employers we should focus on when picking a location, it's a lot to juggle and I don't like ruling out options.  Not to mention 9 years of crap in the house that needs to be dealt with.  I've packed up two clear 62L bins of fabric.  It sounds like a lot but it still leaves lots of fabric to work with should the muse strike.  I could probably fill two more and still have fabric out for a dozen projects.  Cleaning up my sewing room like this also made me realize just how many UFO's I have.  UFOs are something to contemplate another day.

In the meantime, I've ended up crocheting a lot.  Granted it's all the same blanket pattern that I made for my niece, but I find it soothing and it makes television time with Mr. Lina feel less... wasteful.  One project is in a white yarn that I'm not overly happy with.  It felt softer on the ball than in the project and it's made up BIG.  This is not going to be a baby sized blanket.  I need to buy another crappy ball of yarn because it's not long enough for the width and it's not so crappy that it isn't worth finishing.  So it's on hold for the moment.  While in Manitoba, I started a yellow blanket I'm happier with.  It's soft and the shells are smaller and popping to opposite sides nicely.  As much as I bought 3 balls of wool, I think I'll need a 4th, it's not getting a lot of height in the shells.  I put 27 shells across instead of 29 that the pattern calls for, but it is still going to need more rows to look balanced to the width.

And just a reminder that there will be a Toronto meet up on August 10th at 10am.  I am really looking forward to it.  FunnyGrrl is coming to town and the details are on her blog, Falling Through Your Clothes.  It looks like we're up to 9-10 people so far.

Coping

Thank you so much for all the comments on my last post.  I read each one as they arrived, it was like being surrounded by much needed love. 

I am doing...  okay.  Coping is maybe the best word.

Monday was a bit of a blur.  My parents met us at the clinic, the plan being they would take Mr. Lina to pick up his car that was in for warranty body work while we were gone.  When I walked out of the clinic, my mom was walking towards me and all I could do was shake my head and I was enveloped in a tearful hug.  Dad took Mr. Lina to get his car, Mom drove me home.  My parents stayed until about 3 and by that point I was still stunned, too stunned to really feel anything. 

Since they left, time has passed oddly, sometimes dragging, sometimes I'm surprised to find myself hungry again.  We had a 5 hour black out (6pm-11pm) thanks to the storm that hit Toronto.  This is much better than other areas of the city, a friend was without power for 24 hours and his last Facebook status indicated his neighbours across the street were still without power hours after his came back.  I have spent time on the phone with my parents talking about everything but "the m word".  My walking friend came over for a chat this morning.  People have emailed me, I have replied when I can.

My workplace has been fantastic.  On Tuesday morning, I sent an email to my manager and our director.  I told them I wasn't sure what kind of time I was going to need, this is about mental health more than physical.  Given that nothing developed, this has not been physically difficult.  Not without pain, but I have known worse.  We are so short handed at work and trying to train new people...  I know they need me.  And yet, in reply I was told by my director that I came first.  My health was more important and I should take whatever time I need.  I know this, but it is something I needed to hear so I don't rush back early with a false sense of guilt.  I am going to take it one day at a time, not looking too far ahead.  And today, the two of them sent me flowers.  Flowers.


My crazy hops plant, post trimming.

I am struggling to sleep.  I don't feel particularly tired during the day, I feel unsettled.  Sometimes I can sit and read, other times I need to putter - dusting at random, a single load of laundry, packing up my leftover medication, hacking at the explosion of plants (notably the hops above) and weeds in front garden, crocheting.  I bought a gift for my niece, her birthday is coming and it will take time to be shipped so far.  I lack focus.  I thought a house plant needed watering, I took the bottle I keep near it into the kitchen.  I don't remember exactly when I did that or what distracted me, but I found the water bottle full in the sink this afternoon.  I have had moments of crying, but not as many as you might think.  It's still a little surreal, this doesn't feel... final.  But I know it is.

Clearly more emotion could be aimed at the weeds in my roses.

Mr. Lina can't talk about it yet.  We cuddle, he holds me when I cry and we talked nonsense at 1am when neither of us could sleep.  He sends me lots of DVR times when the kittens are being cute to make me smile.  But for him, life is carrying on - he's gone to work, he's at a concert tonight with a friend.  His crazy director left the company, so he actually had something to celebrate yesterday.  And going on with "normal" is okay too, for now.  We often feel the impact and grief at different times, I know his time will come and I will be in a better state to help him when he gets there.  But he's not ready to listen to me either, and that is unusual.  On the plus side, I don't really have much to say yet.

I have booked an appointment to see our therapist tomorrow night.  Mr. Lina has a production meeting that has been cancelled three times (including Monday) that he would like to continue on with.  And that's fine.  I'm not sure he's ready to hear me talk anyhow and the first visit will be a lot of catch up on what's happened.  The rest of our appointments will be together, but I need to see her to start opening up a little more than stating facts like it's someone else I'm talking about.  She will be key to us getting real closure on this chapter of our lives.

One thing I am feeling is anger at my body.  I can't look at myself naked right now, no lingering between the shower and getting dressed.  This is going to sound irrational but it's the way I feel, no one said it had to be logical.  I'm angry at my breasts for lying to me and I don't want to observe the changes as they go back to normal.  I don't even want to support them with a proper bra.  I don't want to see the bruises on my abdomen that are a reminder of what I was doing to make this work.  I'm not speaking to my uterus, it should not be empty.  Writing that, thinking about that, acknowledging that there is intent behind my behaviour, that makes me feel something and tear up.  (But no, I will not end up a never nude like Tobias, I will like my breasts again when they fit in my very pretty bra.)

I guess this seems like a bit of a list.  As I say, it's like talking about someone else with the exception of the last paragraph.  The hard emotional work will come.

Alas

It was not to be.

I had a fantastic vacation.  I slept.  I swam.  I fished.  I crocheted.  I slept.  I felt pretty good.

But I had my 6 week ultrasound today and my uterus is empty.  There is no fetal pole there, no heart beat beyond my own.  So they ran blood work and sure enough, my HCG levels are down.  They aren't even making me come in to check again so it must be really low, they usually want to track it to lower than 5.

I'm numb.  I'm sad.  But I'm... okay.

I have been here before, I know I'll get through it.  I also know this blog will be part of getting past it.  I'll write more when I'm ready.  Believe you me, I'll be writing.

Welcome to Week 5

I'm not quite sure I have the dates right because my period started on a Wednesday not a Friday, but my 6 week ultrasound should be next Friday so I think that makes today week 5. 

I am feeling much better, both mentally and physically.  I haven't had cramps since Sunday, just a few twinges.  I still have discharge but every day is less, I barely need a panty liner now.  And every day it's less dark red blood and more brown discharge.  What also helps my mental perspective is seeing other good signs.  My breasts are continuing to change for the "better".  Just to clarify since Kay asked me a question, it's my areola that is expanding.  When the nipple is relaxed it is much larger than my regular non-pregnant areola.  The past couple of days they have started getting a little more sensitive too, not horribly so but it's been a factor in waking me up when I roll over in the morning. 

My first miscarriage I didn't find out anything was wrong until the first ultrasound.  I didn't have any bleeding or cramping, although my nipples did start to deflate the day or two before.  When they did the ultrasound, they couldn't find anything.  They should see a fetal pole, see a heart beat.  It was scary and upsetting and I didn't understand.  I still don't entirely since it's all a bit of a blur now and that was only my second pregnancy, I wasn't quite in recurrent miscarriage territory yet and not as well educated as I am now.  This is why I'm happy to see things like my breasts change, twinges of discomfort that might be my uterus changing shape (or gas I suppose) but not "oh no, everything wants out" cramps, the feeling of being a furnace with some internal fire keeping me warm.  It is comforting to feel that something is happening.

Tonight we are leaving for Manitoba to see my in laws.  We'll be in Winnipeg tomorrow, then off to "the lake" if I understand the plan right (map from last year).  My in laws know the timing of the FET.  Mr. Lina passed the phone to me when I was still high on gravol from the first intralipids (it was not a good phone call, it kind of freaked my MIL out).  We haven't updated them since then.  We phoned the other night wanting to give them the heads up of how things were going but they had company.  It didn't feel like the right time.  So I guess we'll be letting them know at the airport.  Normally, they always want us to be out and doing stuff, I suspect this trip they are going to try and tuck me into bed before the sun sets (which admittedly is pretty late, twilight extends until about 10pm) and keep me away from the jet ski.  This is going to be awesome.  Exactly what I need (and generally want pregnant or not).  Well, maybe not the 10pm bed time.  I have to take prometrium every 8 hours, I have to time when I sleep around that.

At the lake, there is no cell service never mind internet.  It's placed just between two towers so you have to drive 10-15 min to pick up a signal.  I love it.  Grandma also do not have internet, so I will be essentially off the grid until July 8th.  I'll be returning to a crazy day of my ultrasound, meetings in the afternoon, and taking Mr. Lina to get his car which is being fixed while we're away.  So we'll see how soon I can find a moment to update you all.

It looks like there is going to be a Toronto meet up in August.  Funnygrrl from Falling Through Your Clothes is going to be in town, what a great reason to get together.  I'm free on the 10th, hopefully we can get a sizable group together again.

Have a great week!

Chair Dance!

My breasts continue to be good predictors.

I am pregnant.

Now don't go too crazy here.  This is undoubtedly good news, but we are just entering the murky woods of pregnancy for me. 

Pregnancy tests measure the levels of the hormone HCG in your blood.  A home pregnancy test is sensitive to 25.  I have had positive results ranging from 111 to 8.  Today, it's 68.  Not as high as last year, but according to this chart, puts me at a very low chance of chemical pregnancy (that would be failing the test on Friday), about a 5% chance of multiples, a little over 30% chance of miscarriage and roughly 58% of a live singleton.

I'm pretty pleased (in a tempered optimism way). 

Next steps?  Medications stay the same, we test again on Friday.  In early pregnancy, HCG levels should double every 48-72 hours.  If it's not growing in that range of normal, this is not likely to be a viable pregnancy.  That number means more to me than today's results.  I really want to see my HCG above 120.  If it is a good result on Friday, we'll do the intralipids and Humira again on Tuesday.

7 out of 8 IVF/FET cycles, that's an awesome batting average.  Now to focus on staying pregnant!

Let the fun times begin!

As mentioned yesterday, I'm all set for the frozen embryo transfer on Sunday morning.  Now to get my body all prepped and ready to accept (and keep) an embryo or two, I will be taking....

• Metformin (3 per day), vitamin E, prenatal vitamin, and ASA stay the same
• Estrace (estrogen) reduces from 3 pills a day to 2 (totalling to 4mg each day)
• Fragmin (blood thinner) - one injection per day
• Prednisone - 10mg per day
• Endometrin (progesterone) - this is an "effervescent tablet" 3 times a day
• Prometrium (progesterone) - 3 pills at bed time

The bulk of these I'm taking in the morning.  I damn near needed a check list to be sure I got it all, but I'll be okay when it becomes routine. 

The Fragmin needle is quite fine and thus not overly annoying or painful.  But being a blood thinner, it will make me even more likely to bruise.  Injection sites usually become bruises and you can't inject into bruises so belly real estate will become an issue in another week or so.  I can inject into the fat in my thighs but that makes me a little nervous.  Not that I don't have fat there, but there is a whole lot of muscle to avoid too.  We'll cross that bridge when we get there.  At least this is the only injectable medication so I'm not trying to find injection sites for any other drugs at the same time.

I thought Endometrin was a cream, but it clearly says on the box it's an "effervescent tablet".  If you've ever taken yeast infection treatments that were the tablets, it's like that.  We'll see how it goes with a full day, but I can't feel any bubbly action going on with the effervescent tablet and I don't have icky discharge so we'll call it a win for now.  I'm still not thrilled about having to do this at work every day but it's better than some of the places I've done injections I suppose.

And as much as the pharmacy label says I have to insert the prometrium vaginally, the nurse said I can take it orally (which is how I have always taken it before).  Three cheers for that.  The worst part about infertility treatments (more so for women going through IUI or just monitoring for ovulation) is that it takes all the fun out of sex.  We are all sexual creatures and it's an important part of my life.  And not to say that all "happy fun time" is about my vagina, but it's hard to feel sexy when you know that part of your body is icky with medications.

So the one drug I'm feeling less sure about now is Prednisone.  Lots of people have been on it and had some pretty crazy side effects.  Googling indicates 10mg isn't a very high dose so I might be fine.  If I get the insomnia, it might be offset by the Prometrium at bed time because that makes me crazy sleepy.  I can put water weight gain into perspective and try to focus on making good choices rather than what the scale is telling me.  Good choices are that much easier when I've got an embryo hanging out in my uterus.  I'm already on metformin so blood sugar spikes might be offset by that. 

Did you know I have a pattern give away going on?  Really, it's true. 

And I seem to get about 20 minutes to work on Alma and get distracted by Mythbuster kittens.  I think I've got the back darts in the right spot and then I scooped out too much and took a step backwards.  I'll be tackling it again tonight while Mr. Lina has someone over to review the music video footage.  At least he won't call me to see what cute things the kittens are doing.

Alma V2

That's V2 as in version, not view.

A few weeks ago, I met up with K-Line and she kindly pinned out all the extra fabric on my first Alma.  While I think that shirt could end up being a wearable muslin of sorts (think camping), I didn't want to take her pins out and futz around too much and lose all the changes that needed to be made to the flat pattern.

I broke out my Ikea paper and traced new front and back pieces by looking at the pinned pieces and the original pattern.  I then cut out a new front and sewed up the darts.  It looked better just holding it up to my body, but I haven't had the time to get back to it.

Last night, I cut out a new back, sewed the front and back and then got playing with the darts.  I think the bust darts are okay, but some interesting things are going on with the lower darts. 

Let's look at the line drawing, View B is clearest because the belt isn't in the way.  The lower darts end before the hem, opening more fabric for your hips.  I had to take a lot of fabric in under my bust, my darts don't want to open back up.  They keep folding as if the stitching continued from the widest part.  So I'm going to sew them down to the hem.  I still have ease at my hips so I don't really need the extra ease space.

I took a whack of pictures last night and it was helpful to see what was going on.  It is so hard to see in a mirror since you have to twist to see things.  Or I pull the fabric straight so it looks okay, but really it's not when I stand for a picture.  I am not quite finished tweaking yet (and the camera is not with me) so I'm not sharing in progress shots today.  Writing this out is helping me take a step back and look at where I could adjust again.  Thinking time is sewing time.

Yesterday I was reading Lazy Stitchings blog, she posted her finished Mathilde blouse, a pattern by Tilly and the Buttons.  I've seen a couple of versions of the blouse, but I wasn't sure how it would suit my frame.  Would it fall from my bust line and look like a tent?  I'm all for hiding my tummy but not sacrificing my waist.  It was lovely to see a version that would more closely mimic my frame.  And while I was commenting, it clicked that it's similar to a top I want to replace in my closet.

Okay, so the Mathilde has buttons in the back and the sleeves are looser, but it's not those details I'm looking to replace, it's the place in my wardrobe.  Made in a cotton, it could be my go-to "it's too hot out to have anything touching my skin but I want my arms covered" top.  I like how Lazy Stitching thinned the sleeves a little, I'd copy that.  In a sheer fabric, it could replace this top:

It was like an epiphany in the middle of writing a comment.  So I bought the pattern, it's printed out at home, but Alma needs to be finished first.

Don't forget I have a Pattern Pyramid giveaway running.  There are some lovely dresses, the halter jumpsuit, a multi-cup Vogue blouse, Kwik Sew bra, Burda blouse...  it's a pretty good assortment to pick from.

And in non-sewing news...

Mr. Lina's film, The Post-Lifers, has won another "best short" award.  Saturday night we went to a horror festival in Hamilton, ON, not too far away.  The organizer went to the Blood in the Snow festival in Toronto in January (The Post Lifers also won best short) and thought maybe he could do the same in his community, focusing on short films.  Being the first year of the festival, it was small but successful.  All of the films were quite good, not all were to my taste, but well done for what they were.  Awards were decided on by the audience by paper ballots.  And what a great audience.  The theatre held 67 people according to the fire code and it was sold out.  All were real horror fans and clearly enjoyed the line up of films.  I hope he can run it again next year and expand the offerings. 

The next cool thing going on for Mr. Lina is the cast of TPL is being interviewed on Charred Remains, a horror blog run by Char Hardin.  Char named TPL her top independent short film for 2012.  It will be aired live on Saturday June 8th at 7pm EST, they will be taking phone calls and questions by chat.  After the broadcast it will be available as a podcast.  After that, I think the film is going to air in Calgary in August and a touring show in BC - 10 cities in 10 days. 

And in fertility news...  Today is Day 14.  In a 28 day cycle, this would be when ovulation occurs and hormones change from having high estrogen levels to rising progesterone levels.  For a Frozen Embryo Transfer, we're looking for the endometrium to be thick (it was 10.3mm this morning) and my blood work to check out.  I don't need to ovulate because we've already got the embryos on ice.  And I just got the call that we're a GO!!!!   Sunday morning (June 9th - deadline day for the Pattern Pyramid) we'll be transfering my embryos that are presently in a Manitoban winter.  This post is long enough, I'll let you know of next steps tomorrow.

Woo hoo!

Happy Friday!

What a week of ups and downs...

• Icky car bill
• Came out of my office last night to see I had a flat tire
• Which is why we have CAA, I haven't the faintest clue what to do about that
• Apparently I have a spare tire in my trunk, I didn't know that
• But I didn't need it
• They couldn't find the leak, given that I had the tires rotated on Tues/Wed, the cap probably got knocked causing the slow leak
• So three cheers for not needing a new tire!
• The CAA guy was so nice, he taught me how to check the pressure and didn't treat me like a bumbling idiot because although I could recognise what a pressure gauge looked like, I had no clue how it worked or what the numbers indicated.
• In trying to find a tire gauge in my car, I found the camera!
• Yay for blog posts with pictures!
• Of course not yet since I just found the camera
• Making good choices has been a little harder this week, my weight reflected the all you can eat buffet (and alcohol) of Saturday and the salty Swiss Chalet dinner that Mr. Lina ordered while I was napping on Wednesday
• Swiss Chalet can be healthy, but I licked up every bit of salty dipping sauce, he ordered me mashed potatoes when a better choice would be baked and I ate the salty, crispy skin.
• Yesterday my body seemed to clear all the water it was holding onto and I'm now back to my previous "recent low" and I feel better for it
• Now to make good choices tonight while playing board games tonight.
• I have more people to train and mentor at work, that's always fun.
• I'm wasting too much time playing stupid Facebook games at night when I'm tired.
• What's too much?  I woke up at 3am dreaming about sliding candy pieces around
• We booked a trip to Manitoba last night for the week of Canada Day.
• If things go well, it will delay my 6 week ultrasound (and third intralipids) by 5 days, but the clinic said that's fine.
• Nothing wrong with a week off work if things go well, my in laws don't stress me out.
• Although our choice to travel might stress them out.
• If things don't go well, I can lick my wounds without going to work.
• If things don't go well while we're there, it wouldn't be because of the trip, and geography won't change the fact they can't make bad things stop happening.
• Mr. Lina's grandmother (who will be 90 in September) had another spell this week, she's spending 5 days in the hospital and should be getting a pace maker this weekend if I understand right.
• His great aunt and uncle are celebrating their 60th anniversary on July 6th, we'll leave the next day.
• My MIL thinks his uncle will stop dialysis after that party, he's been fighting a good fight for a while.
• It's a lot of pull to visit now and not in 3 months or 6 months. 
• IT'S FRIDAY!!!  YAY!

Catch Up

I've been a little quiet.  Sunday did not go quite as expected.  I did get a day to myself, sadly I shared it with a hang over.  I don't know what it is about my bowling year end, but I have to remember to switch to water a little sooner.  Well, let's start with switching to water at some point in the evening.  Sunday was a complete write off.

On the plus side...

• We did get the patio furniture together
• Mr. Lina bought a storage box for the deck so we have a place for the cushions
• I did have a lot of fun at the bowling party
• Year end party means I get my winnings. 
• Somehow I ended up with the second highest prize money in our league.
• The majority of money won is based on your team, not individual.  My team did well and I won a singles award (high triple with handicap I think), mostly because in fairness, you can only win one award, so I probably came in third but the people above me won prizes worth more like high average or high single flat.
• Mr. Lina finally got his screening blood work done
• My thyroid levels came back high on Friday, so I went with him to get it rechecked
• Thyroid levels checked out fine on Saturday, still slightly elevated based on my Googles on the subject, but if the clinic says it's normal, I'll trust them
• I had the endometrial scratch and intralipids done yesterday
• Scratch was WAAAAY better than last year, more like an aggressive pap test
• Intralipids were not bad, but not as comfortable as last year
• I was the only one getting it done so they put me in an exam room, not the comfy leather chairs in the basement
• I couldn't get comfortable on the hard table
• IV had to go into my left hand, my right arm had too much bruising, my veins on my left are too deep
• They needed to check my blood pressure every half hour on my right arm which was towards the wall
• So I couldn't sleep with my IV hand tucked under me, so I'd try to nap with my right arm down but then I'd have to roll over for the blood pressure. 
• Last time I had a blood pressure cuff and in the chair they could access each arm, it was much easier to nap.
• Mr. Lina was a trooper and drove me to all my appointments
• Good thing too, when I got home from intralipids, I napped for 2.5 hours
• Probably a sign I shouldn't drive if I could sleep that long
• Next visit to the clinic isn't until Sunday, so a nice break of just taking my Estrace.

On the down side, since Mr. Lina was squiring me to appointments, I took my car in for an oil change, tire rotation, etc.  Apparently there were 3 or 4 other things wrong with it (I was given the full list between intralipids and the nap, I vaguely recall the conversation) so my car had to stay the night and I have a bill with roughly an extra decimal point from what I thought it would be.  My credit card is going to be doing the funky chicken pretty soon between the IVF, drugs (which I should get some money back from insurance, but right now it's on my card), intralipids ($750 each time) and now the car bill.  As much as I won a good chunk of change, it's not enough to put a big dent in those bills. 

And on the down side, I can't find my camera.  And I do have pictures I'd like to take.  Hrmph.  It HAS to be around here somewhere.

Three Cheers for Fridays!

I love Fridays.  So much potential with the weekend ahead, just good things to look forward to.  Let's start with the clinic, it's been a busy day on that front.

Today started with a visit to the clinic, the usual blood work and ultrasound for Day 3.  Day 3 visits require both full and empty bladder ultrasounds and well, I did a very good job of filling my bladder.  I could barely get my pants undone.  It was also hard to empty it all for the second ultrasound, even when it felt empty the tech said it wasn't.  If it was an IVF cycle and we needed exact measurements, I suspect she would have sent me back to pee again.  Problems you'd never think you'd have to worry about.

I start Estrace today.  3 tiny little pills every day to get my estrogen levels to the right place until Sunday June 2nd (Day 12).  Tuesday (Day 7) I'm scheduled for intralipids and the endometrial scratch.  Sadly, the timing is less than ideal.  My doctor has to do the scratch so that's booked for 8am.  The intralipids are booked for 12:30.  It's about 35 minutes drive to the clinic in the morning, 20 minutes .  I guess I'll be going back and forth a fair bit on Tuesday, it's not worth waiting around for 4 hours to save 40 minutes of driving. 

Yesterday was my last dose of Humira.  It came in a different format, more like your typical needle with a plunger rather than the pen format (picture an epipen where you press it to your skin, press a button and the needle triggers).  I liked the syringe.  The needle is crazy fine, you don't feel it going into the skin at all, but the drug stings.  With the syringe, I could control the speed of the injection and go slowly, letting it spread slower I guess.  A minute with an ice pack after it was done and I was fine.

And last bit of clinic news, it seems my thyroid level is elevated again.  They say it sometimes elevates on Day 3 so they want to recheck before putting me on medication.  That's two cycles in a row.  Mr. Lina is going in for his screening blood work tomorrow, hopefully they can fit me in at about the same time.

So it's Friday, what's up for the weekend?

Tomorrow night is the year end party for my bowling league.  We're going to the Mandarin (chain of Chinese buffet) and my walking/bowling friend is having some people back to her place.  That works for me, it's stumbling distance so we can both have a drink (or three).  I can't say I'm thrilled about the Mandarin (buffets and my food allergies do not generally mix well) but I haven't been in so long I'm hoping for the best.  Maybe it's a good thing if I can't eat most of what is on the buffet, easier to take smaller portion sizes but harder to get veggies on my plate.  I hear they do sushi now, that would be a HUGE improvement for me.  In my league, we win money.  Everyone wins something, just some more than others.  Tonight I'm going to meet with a few other league exec's to do the envelopes.  Fortunately it's close to home so I can get a little exercise and walk.

Hopefully after the quick trip to the clinic we can get our new patio furniture together.  The last step will be filling my planters so the deck is the welcoming place it should be.  And Sunday?  Sunday Mr. Lina is doing movie stuff that doesn't involve me.  Hopefully I'll have a clear head and can get into the sewing room!  Yay!  That also gives me time to set up the post for the Pattern Pyramid.  There are some pretty awesome patterns in this package.

And I'm Back

Welcome to the happiness that is Day 1.  I woke up to find out that my period has arrived.  YAY!

I'm so glad that didn't drag on.  First because I don't like the side effects of Provera (amazing how much more awake I feel today) but also because now the FUN STUFF begins!  YAY!

So what's next?  I'm in for blood work and ultrasound on Friday (Day 3, full bladder appointment).  That appointment (if not sooner) I'll be told exactly when to start other drugs etc.  My third dose of Humira is tomorrow and I've got all the drugs for the rest of the cycle at home.  It was a rather sizable bag they handed over the counter.

Good times, good times.

Oh, except the cramping.  I swear I get 2 hours of being happy that my period has arrived and then it's onto the Advil train.  Let's have one more YAY! before that sets in.

YAY!

Victoria Day List

Provera is making my head rather fuzzy, paragraphs are challenging so let's go for a list...

• It's actually Friday, not Tuesday!
• 4 of 7 pills have been taken of Provera
• No hot flashes, no tears, no apathy
• Horrible brain fog.
• Grocery shopping with brain fog is not very efficient or effective.
• I wanted to buy non-paper tape for wrapping up my toe (it still aches with some motions) and Mr. Lina's hand.
• I am sure I looked at cloth tape
• I am sure I priced out that the roll was cheaper than the tape dispenser.
• I bought paper tape.
• It's a long weekend - Victoria Day.
• We have an unofficial early close, if nothing is due, you can leave early.
• Like I should be trusted to get anything done without errors when I can't buy cloth bandages.
• I am 7lbs down from my high weight and feeling rather happy about that.
• The strategy to make better choices is working and one good choice reinforces wanting to make the next good choice.
• My pants fit better, I don't feel bloated, it's good.tr
• I think I felt a small earthquake this morning.
• The Pattern Pyramid has arrived, post and contest to come soon.
• It's almost time to go!
• Yay!

Weekend Reboot

• I woke up and hit snooze
• I don't have to wash my hair this morning, I can sleep a little longer.
• I hit snooze again because it's Friday, meh.
• My drive is predictable on Friday, snooze a 4th time won't hurt.
• I finally got up and turn the radio off. 
• It's Friday, no need to reset it for tomorrow.
• I brushed my teeth and thought about the upcoming long weekend.
• I'm not ready for camping, so it must be next week.
• 'Cause, you know, it's Friday.
• I got into the shower and start to wake up.
• And realised it's Tuesday.
• Tuesday.
• 3 days to get through before it's Friday.
• That's a whole lot of time.
• It's like my brain wants a reboot, restarting from May 10th.
• Sigh.

I mentioned we did a lot of visiting over the weekend.  On my quest to make better decisions for my health, I think I get a shiny gold star.  Twice chips (a serious weakness for me) were around and I ate a grand total of one handful of chips.  It did help that at the second party they didn't refill when the first chips were gone.  I had lots of fruit, vegetables, small piece of birthday cake, was the DD for both events so no additional alcohol calories.  Actually, I did such a good job of having normal portions, my stomach was grumbling at 1am both Friday and Saturday night.  We stopped for late night food both nights but I aimed for smaller portions, cheese quesadilla (LOTS of salsa and cilantro) that I shared with Mr. Lina and a small chicken wrap at Wendy's.  I managed to weigh a little less this morning (I didn't weight myself Monday, I needed a full bladder at 8am for the ultrasound, I start drinking the second I wake up) than Friday, so again, a weekend win.  Tonight I'm going for a walk with a friend I carpool with to bowling.  We both want to get moving and it's more fun to do it together when schedules allow.

I've just confirmed we'll be hosting with Home Routes again in the fall/winter.  I don't know all of the artists that we'll be hosting, but I'm super happy to have Bill Bourne coming to my house in November.  He's from Alberta, has a very wide range of styles (so hearing one song is not really representative of everything), and a great stage presence.  I get the impression he's kind of quiet, we'll see if that's true.

Need a weekend from the weekend

I drove well over 400km from 9pm Friday night to 8pm Sunday night.  That's a lot of time in my car.  And where did I go?

• 40th birthday party
• 3 year old birthday party
• "Old friend passing through town" party
• Visit with my high school friend (who now lives in Manitoba) and her baby
• Mother's Day with my parents

Busy, busy, busy.  I did manage to sleep in there somewhere.  I'm looking forward to more sleep tonight.  I survived Mother's Day (typically a sore spot for me and as we found out last year, I'm not alone), no tears at all but I did flip the radio a few times to avoid overly sappy content.

Owing to the above schedule, time in my sewing room has been limited.  The Leafs making it to Game 7 has cut into some evenings.  In theory, I could sew, but it's been a really exciting series that sadly came to an end tonight.  I have cut a new front to the Alma blouse.  I have lots of fabric and I'd like to see how that works prior to removing the pins and changing Alma #1 for comparison. 

I was into the clinic this morning for a check if I ovulated.  Not surprisingly, my ovaries are not cooperating.  I took my first dose of Provera when I got home from work.  This drug (for me, every person is different) is the one most likely to make me crazy - moody, depressed, hot flashes, apathy, fun stuff.  On the plus side, the weekend approaching is Victoria Day weekend and I have the Monday off and I'm going camping.  This will help me cope.

Forms are signed, FET is paid for (and costs less than the two doses of Humira, you know how many air miles I'm getting out of this?), prescriptions (6) have all been sent to the pharmacy, all that is left to do pre-cycle is get Mr. Lina in for the screening bloodwork.  I am got a little more information today on two aspects of the protocol for this FET.

1. I won't be taking Lupron - the drug that stops my brain from telling my body to make hormones.  I'm not sure why but it seems that he's changed his protocol for everyone so there must be some research to back this up.  It sounds like my dosage of Estrace (estrogen) will also be different from before.
2. Two forms of progesterone - Prometrium are pills that I have used most cycles and makes me sleepy.  They are adding a vaginal cream product.  Last time I used two forms of progesterone I took the pills during the day and cream at night.  Apparently this time it's the flip - cream 3x per day (so, um, one of those times is going to be at work) and pills at night. 
• I'm not suppose to have sex a week after transfer, if I'm using vaginal cream 3 times a day it's going to be a lot longer than a week before Mr. Lina wants to visit. 
• I stay on progesterone supplements until the end of the first trimester. 
• Progesterone supplements start around Day 14, so 10 weeks of vaginal cream (assuming all goes well).
• I am going to be sooooo grumpy.  I like sex.  It's good stress relief.
• After Mr. Lina had his vasectomy reversed, he couldn't be aroused (never mind sex) for 6 weeks.  The longest 6 weeks of my life 
• Near the end of the 6 weeks, I blew up at him for wrapping cheese the wrong way. 
• On the plus side, I'd have a baby to keep me happy and a reason not to lift anything where post reversal, all the lifting had to be done by me. 

I won't be into the clinic again until my period arrives and I have my Day 3 appointment.  We'll just have to see how I manage from now until Day 1.

Humira #2 - Check

The deck is about as sanded as it's going to get.  Mr. Lina has had enough of this step, next up will be staining.  We have to let the weather/schedules coordinate for that.  They are calling for a bit of rain over the next few days, we'll need a day of it being dry before we can move forward with staining.  Here he is hard at work on Monday night.

I took my second Humira dose today.  It's weird how the medication hurts.  The needle is very fine, but the medication kind of stings.  On the plus side, it doesn't hurt for long and it's all fine now.

At 6:40 this morning the phone rang.  My alarm doesn't go off until 6:50 so this was literally a wake up call.  It was the receptionist at the clinic booking my appointment on Monday.  She asked when I wanted it and I said about 8:00, my usual time, if it was available.  She said "For you, honey, I would do anything and I mean that".  Seriously, people take my lack of success pretty personally there.  So full bladder at 8am on Monday.

I was not very productive at work yesterday.  I just couldn't get my head nor heart into it.  At least today I am going out to a client site to do a little lunch & learn (sans lunch, so just a learn?) session that will make me focus.  I was reading through my own blog, reviewing the FET last year.  Seeing what I wrote about, reminders to myself, what I might have glossed over (not much).  I realized I have been saying I've been pregnant 6 times since last year and it's actually 7.  Who the fuck forgets these kinds of numbers?  I am all for willful ignorance, but I didn't think I let myself go that far.  Let me recount (apparently for my sake, not yours).

1. IVF #1 - negative on first pregnancy test, the only cycle this happened.
2. FET #1 - embryos from first IVF, chemical pregnancy.  Devastating because I had no coping skills but it lead us to a great therapist.
3. IVF #2 - miscarriage - passed both pregnancy tests, nothing was there for my 6 week ultrasound.  Horrible, horrible day.
4. FET #2 - chemical pregnancy
5. FET #3 - chemical pregnancy, pretty sure the failed test was Thanksgiving.  A handful of people were in the know, the glass of wine in my hand was the signal not to ask.
6. IVF #3 - Passed first test, declining on 2nd test, failed 3rd test. 
7. Natural pregnancy - Figured out I was pregnant December 27th, test on the 28th with HCG well over 600, ultrasound dated me at 7 weeks 5 days, miscarriage at 8 weeks 1 day, Jan 10.  Fucking nightmare.
8. FET #4 - last cycle I blogged about, great pregnancy tests, bleeding day after second test (Sunday) and through that week my HCG levels slowly declined, gave up on Friday.

It really is 7.  Amazing how our mind hides crap from us, isn't it?

An Ode to Drug Plans

I went to the pharmacy yesterday to pick up the Humira.  I knew it was going to be expensive, it's not often I get sticker shock this far into the process.  On the plus side, I have to go through extra paper work to get this covered by my drug plan, Mr. Lina's plan covers it so at worst I'll have to pay 20%.

Yesterday, I would have thought maybe $700.

The IV drip of intralipids are $700 each (and not covered).

Drugs like Gonal-F that stimulate follicle growth (so I end up with lots of eggs for one IVF cycle) work out to about $1000 per pen and depending on your dosage that pen could last 2-4 days but it's needed for about 6-8 depending on how fast those little follicles grow.  My drug plan covers them but Mr. Lina's does not.

So I wasn't surprised when the pharmacist starts with "it's a pretty expensive drug, that's why we don't keep it on hand" and then works into "the good news is that your husband's drug plan will cover it". 

But I was still surprised when I saw her punch $1,730 into the cash register.  That's for 2 doses.  I'll be given a third with a positive pregnancy test.

I sure do appreciate a good drug plan.  That's a whole lot of after tax income.

I was into the clinic this morning for my Day 3 appointment.  A few comments on how much my hair has grown and happy to see you, etc.  They had a new blood girl being trained (quite good, no bruising) but I walked in and said hello to the girl I do know and she said to the other "this is who we were talking about earlier".  Kind of cool to get the heads up on me (total pet peeve to be treated like it's my first cycle) but odd because she didn't clarify what they talked about.  Anyhow, new girl took a LOT of blood (because of the STD screening) on a rather heavy cycle, I was having a hard time thinking after that.  All is well now but I am glad my manager suggested working from home today (we have a meeting with a client closer to my house than the office at 3pm).  First Humira injection is done, nothing to write home about except that the medication kind of tingles.  The needle is very fine, that doesn't hurt, but it feels really weird as the medication is going under my skin.

Next step isn't until May 9th when I get my second Humira injection.  I think I'm going to do it myself.  It goes into my belly fat so it's not like I can't see what I'm doing (the problem with Lupron-Depot, I can't inject my own butt) or need to hit a vein.  Driving to the clinic for them to do it seems like a waste of time.

I started tracing Alma last night.  I can't say I got all that far, tracing is not my favourite part of sewing and I'm not really sure which size to trace.  I'm not a Sewaholic pear, I should do a FBA of some sort to this, I don't want a tent but I should make the 16 if I'm measuring right...  It all had me a bit hesitant last night.  I'll tackle it again tonight.

Much Better

Things are feeling a little better today

• It's all sorted with the clinic. 
• I will go in for Day 3 ultrasounds & blood work tomorrow at 8am including screening blood work
• My prescription for Humira is being sent to the pharmacy
• No time has been wasted, the nurse just wasn't sure what I needed yesterday, essentially if it was the start cycle of the FET or the transfer cycle
• I talked to her this morning but I was still pretty grumpy and tired and I wasn't sure if she said the dose is tomorrow or I assumed it to be tomorrow. 
• I emailed to confirm and I got a reply in 15 minutes (Humira does start tomorrow).  There is a serious up side to them using email.
• Pharmacy has to order in Humira, it won't be ready until 4pm, but they are open until 7pm so I can pick it up on the way home
• So lunch time I'll pick up the letter from the clinic so it's covered by my drug plan, and then get the prescription on the way home.  The clinic isn't open late enough to do both in one trip.
• Advil is a wonderful thing.
• I don't want to work, this is much more interesting to me.
• Did I mention that Advil is a wonderful thing?  I was not happy waking up to it wearing off overnight.
• I think my hormones are making me unusually hot, I was melting at work yesterday and bowling.
• I have mentioned that my bust seems a little fuller and I really should make tops because many wovens won't fit this summer?  I'm wearing one of those summer tops now.
• I want to rip it off. 
• It's okay when I'm standing up, but sitting down typing?  It is totally squishing my breasts and riding up and the arm holes are cutting off circulation.
• I should hang this shirt in the basement to remind myself why I should sew (for myself) and not watch television with Mr. Lina.
• Perhaps I should buy stock in Advil.  Can you specify stock options for the liquid version?  ;)