Tuesday, May 26

A little more detail

What a whirlwind.

Friday we were going to meet with our adoption worker and the girls (sisters, 12 and 4) social worker.  A chance to ask some questions, fill in some of the gaps in the inch of paper we had on them.  As much as we knew every dentist appointment, sometimes that level of detail leaves things out.

It was going to be maybe an hour or so of chit chat.  It turned into a 2+ hour meeting.

At one point the social workers said they would give us some time to think and discuss what we had learned that day and come to a decision if we wanted to go ahead, take a few days to talk.

Mr. Lina looked at me and said, I don't need more time, do you?

And nothing in that meeting made me change my mind.  Of anything, hearing about some of my concerns in context, my level of empathy increased.

Sure, they are going to be hard to parent.  Really hard.

But I can't stop smiling and giggling when I think of the  younger sister throwing daily temper tantrums.  It's going to happen.  I'm taking her away from the great foster mother she sees as "Mom".  I don't have the words to explain how terrified and happy I am right now, how can I expect a 4 year old to express the emotional mud she's feeling?  Of course it's going to come out as temper tantrums and battles for control over inconsequential things.  It's going to take some time and effort for her to see us as the people who will keep her safe.  But I can be stubborn too.

So we said yes.  Yes, please.  Let's do this.

And the social workers put on their poker face and left the room to discuss and apparently did a happy dance the minute they got into their office.

We're going to meet them this coming weekend.  The girls don't know yet, more notice isn't always a good thing.  They will need a lot of processing time, but a week of thinking about it prior to meeting us is just too much time for their imagination to make it even scarier than it is (and it's plenty scary).  We've put together a book about us to facilitate conversations with their social worker and their foster family.

I'm still full of a lot of unknowns.  I don't know when they will be officially placed with us (we're discussing that as a group tomorrow), I don't know their favourite colours or food, I don't know exactly when we'll meet them or how this transition is going to go.  I don't know what we are doing for parental leave but we both want time off to focus on making those connections.

I DO know the puzzle pieces of my family are falling into place.

Friday, May 22

Found 'em

So...  I might have found my kids.

We might have kids before July.

My heart is exploding and I can't sit still.

Many, many, many things will be happening over the next 6 weeks.

  • Assembling a book about us to "sell" us to the kids
  • Visits with the kids in their current home
  • A weekend respite visit for their current foster family
  • Our last training session
  • Meetings with their therapist
  • Hearing the results of psychological assessments that have recently been completed
  • A whole lot of child bedroom furniture being assembled (keep in mind, we're starting from scratch not knowing how old the kids would be)
It all feels so right and terrifying at the same time.

I'm going to be a mom.

I'm going to have daughters.

I don't have the words, I really don't.

Friday, May 15

Let the summer begin!

I can't believe it's already May and a Canadian long weekend is here.  I'm still not used to writing 2015 yet (which is not helped that the software I use has been the "December 2014" version until a week ago).  We are off camping this weekend, our May long tradition.  The weather should be pretty good for May camping - today being the coldest day with a high of 18C and overnight low of 8C.  A chance of showers here and there but not a whole weekend of rain.  I can deal with that.

May has had some lovely weather.  It's well earned after that ever lasting winter.  This picture is from a week ago, all those trees have filled out since then  We put up a Manitoba flag in the back yard.  The previous owners had a short flag pole on the deck and it's made it feel a little more like ours.  We've been eating outside pretty much every night, admittedly sometimes with a little lap blanket as the temperatures are still cool in the evening.

This may be a bit of TMI, but anyone left reading after all the infertility crap should be used to that.

I never had a regular cycle and it became abundantly clear in all that treatment that I don't ovulate regularly.  So life without fertility treatments and hormones is the new "normal" for me.  Generally, it's pretty awesome not to have to worry about my period for weeks on end, but I'm sort of seeing the down side too.  When I do get my period, I am getting a pretty bad case of PMS, something I'm not really used to.  Two weeks out my breasts get heavy and sore.  Two freaking weeks.  And as those two weeks go by, my mood gets worse.  More apathetic, more likely to tear up at stupid things, less productive.  If I don't want to make dinner, sew or buy groceries, you can imagine how inclined I am to go to work.  And all this was at it's worst on Mother's Day - like one of the top 3 triggers for sadness and negative thoughts.

It is lovely to feel like myself again.


Things are moving along on the adoption front.  We have an assigned worker and have a date in June to meet the whole team.  That isn't holding them back from presenting kids to us.  I can't talk about the kids, and I am not saying these are the ones, but we're at the point of making some pretty big and scary decisions.  It's pretty cool.

So now that I'm "ME" again, maybe after camping I can finish up the silk noil Hollyburn I cut out.