Procrastination

As mentioned, we had the basement and hallways painted.  This required furniture to be moved and while some stuff went to the garage, the rest was moved around the room or into other rooms.  I figured while the furniture was away from the walls, it was a good time to borrow my parents steam cleaner and get to the carpets that haven't been seen in 9 years.  Until last night, there wasn't even a spot in the house where 3 people could sit together that wasn't a bed.

This is a long winded way to say I (we) have a lot of things to move and decide to pack or not pack and I don't really want to do it.

So what is a procrastinator to do? 

ANYTHING else.

And how have I filled my time?

1. Sorbetto #3 (I think it needs back darts, it's a bit puffy and I need pictures to blog)
2. Sorbetto #4 (I do have pictures but not with me at the moment)
3. Toronto Sewing Meet Up on Saturday (and I need pictures to do this justice, short version was that it was a whole lot of fun, so great to meet other bloggers and readers!)
4. Complete addiction to the game Dominion (seriously awesome card/deck building game, Mr. Lina should not have told me about the on line version)
5. Sewed up the fabric I bought at King Fabrics into an A line skirt
6. Wore said skirt to work and lawn bowling (a team event which necessitated light coloured clothing and I have come to realise I don't wear a lot of white)
7. Walks with Mr. Lina
8. Massive amounts of dusting as furniture was moved
9. Sneezed.  I know this is odd to include in a list of things I've done, but I'm sneezing a lot, clearly ragweed season is starting.

I think to get anything done I have to think of something else that I want to do even less. 

I am seriously happy with my white skirt.  Believe you me, I'll be posting about it because there are things that I like about it that make Mr. Lina's eyes glaze over.  I am very pleased by the construction and I find myself thinking about another one and the changes I'd make and what fabric I have in my stash that would work better.  I've already trimmed down the pattern pieces where I think it needed tweaking.  It's just calling my name to try that tweak out.

This is more of a note to myself but... I seem to have a new sleep issue.  Not only am I now an occasional sleep walker and talker (which I haven't done in a while now), but we can add humming to the list.  Twice this week I've woken up Mr. Lina.  Although he tells me the second time it was a ghost humming the tuneless song of its people from my side of the bed.  I appreciate he tried to make it funny.  Googling tells me it's not an issue to my health, but I don't like that it's waking Mr. Lina up.

You know what I'm not?  Sad.  At all. 

Friday night we went to see some very good friends.  On the drive there (about 45 min) I was telling Mr. Lina about some fanstasic Excel-fu I unleashed at work that day.  He doesn't use Excel so most of this was going way over his head and I knew it, but I had to share my pride in making it work.    And then he said it was good to see "Chatty Sera" back again.  I'm a talkative person, to the point when I'm quiet, he worries and is quick to assume I'm angry.  I've been quiet a lot the past few years.  From my perspective, I simply did not have much to say, certainly nothing that was exciting to bubble out of me.  He sees the change.

On Friday morning we met with our fertility doctor for our review of the last FET.  I figured it would at the very least give us closure with the clinic.  I have mentioned that our doctor takes my losses personally, like he should be able to "fix" this problem and I keep stumping him.  He even offered us an IVF cycle for free if I don't make it to 12 weeks of pregnancy.  And we politely declined.  It's not money making me stop, I don't want to do that again.  I appreciate the offer, but it didn't even feel tempting.  I think that's a good sign that I really am honestly good with this.  I'm on the right path and I know it.

Quite likely, there are children out there right now that are going to call me mom.  This has all been part of the journey that is going to make us the right parents for them.

Time for a List

The feelings of overwhelmed are strong in this one...

Time for a list.

• I've found the cure for infertility, apparently it's me.  Another friend who talked to me about her fertility issues is now pregnant, she's been seeing my doctor for maybe 5 months.  I think I'm 5 for 5 now.
• I haven't told Mr. Lina, I have come close but I can't actually say the words.
• I have too much going on at work, it's overwhelming.
• Yesterday was a stat holiday in Ontario, I knew I should do some work to make today easier and I just couldn't force myself to do it.
• I don't even want to open my email now.
• Last night I woke up quite a few times, it was not a restful night at all.
• Too hot
• Bad dream - I was driving and saw in my rearview that I was going to be hit from behind, I turned the car a little so it wasn't too hard a bump and the driver drove off, I wasn't hurt nor was my passenger, but I woke up stressing about where to get the car fixed, would insurance pay for it, should I wait for the police or drive to a collision reporting centre....  You'd think it would be the bump from the car that would wake me up, but no, I have more mundane things to worry about.
• Headache, strange since I sleep through migraines and typically think of sleep as a solution to headaches, but it was bad enough to require Advil to fall back asleep.
• Mr. Lina said I was snoring, not something I do typically.
• I think the 35 sizing for Tiramisu will work better, but it's still kind of funky and I couldn't think through it.  Turned on the lights, sewed one temporary seam, tried it on and walked away from my sewing room.
• Sunday we hosted a chili cook off.  This is generally easy entertaining.  We clean up the house, Mr. Lina makes our chili entry, people bring chili, the most I have to worry about is enough bowls and cutlery. 
• This also felt overwhelming and almost made me cry on Saturday - prior to people arriving.  I played stupid little games to keep my mind off the feeling because I knew I'd be okay once we got going.  Plants vs Zombies to the rescue.
• Our favourite 2.5 year old was rather adorable.  She liked my tickles and must have been paying attention when I was talking to her mom about our upcoming vacation to Mexico.  She told her neighbours she was going to Mexico the day after the party. 
• Bowling dance was... well, fun but kind of lame at the same time.  I had a good time because of the people I went with.
• I saw a lot of people I bowled with as a kid but I was a bit too shy for some reason to re-introduce myself to them.  Probably related to the fact my average is now 60 pins lower than it was as a teen and they are still competitive.  Makes me wonder if I'd be competing at the open if I didn't stop for those 9 years.
• I didn't have Tiramisu done but I wore a black RTW dress this is really similar to Tira (knit, cross at the bust, full skirt from a waist band, but sleeveless and has wide bands to wrap around and tie at the waist) and was totally appropriate.
• But then again, anything would have been appropriate.  One girl wore a dress that barely covered her ass (literally she could not bend down to pick up cutlery she dropped) with gold sequins, some men wore suits and some guys wore dockers and a sweater (which granted is still dressed up compared to being at the lanes).
• It was fun to cha cha and rhumba with Mr Lina.  I wish the dj was better.  We don't like being the only ones out there like we're on Dancing with the Stars, and people would go out and dance for 2-3 songs and then the dance floor would clear.  Or how about the Michael Buble 3 pack.  Love his music and I might have been able to talk Mr. Lina into a fox trot, but if no one danced for the first song, perhaps playing two more would not be a wise idea.
• We really need to get back to lessons, it's amazing how much I've forgot.  We're horribly out of practice.  I mean, it looks good, but we only did about 3-4 steps for cha-cha and 2 for rhumba.
• Just went to the ladies room and realized that my faux sweater-vest/blouse is low enough that you can see the top of my black bra above the sweater and under the white blouse part.  Sigh.  Bra-fail.
• And my apologies for any blog comments with horrible grammar and spelling.  I couldn't spell "relationship" this morning.  I wanted to put an s where the t is. 

I am the win.

Ramblings

I have a lot of things swirling around at the moment, it's time for a list.

• I had a new roller coaster dream last night, but on the plus side
• I did not wake up
• I did not sleep walk
• I was not stressed out in the dream
• We were using the speed of the roller coasters as wind while having my picture taken, weird I know. 
• Particularly when it became apparent it was kind of a log ride so there was water involved.
• My mom's cousin's husband had a stroke on Sunday and I came into work to read an email about it.  He means a lot to me so it took a bit to swallow that news.  I get the impression that although they know there will be weeks of therapy, they are still in the midst of testing so not a lot of firm answers at this point.
• I like dark beers because of him.  I helped him with the statistics for his PhD.  As payment, we would go for a late lunch and we split a pitcher on an empty stomach.  I was usually pretty tipsy before my lunch arrived.
• Sonohystogram is going to have to be postponed, my period has arrived.  76 day cycle and it picks 4 days before my sono to come to an end.  If it started Monday that would have been perfect, but no, now I have to change it to sometime next week, I think they aim for day 6-11. 
• Overall though, it's good to have it here, my breasts can return to normal and we'll blame my eye leakiness today on hormones.
• And if I don't have to go for the sono on Saturday, I can either help Mom with the craft show or help my mom's cousin. 
• Hospitals take care of sick people, there isn't much I can do outside of visit (and I gather he is tired so visits may be too much just now).  But the immediate family (typically) need help so they can do what the sick person needs.  In this case, their daughter is the same age as me and she is autistic and dependent on them. 
• So this cousin of mine, let's call her Beth. She's awesome, we have a good bond.  We even have a not so secret pass phrase (which comes in handy when she needs to regulate and settle down).  I've offered some respite time so the wife can do what she needs to do without wondering what mischief the daughter is getting into. 
•  Beth memorizes movies and quotes them back, using their dialogue for her conversation.  If you watch movies with her, she pulls out props ahead of the dialogue, "You dirty rat" will result in a plastic rat appearing out of a toy box.  It helps to know the movies she has seen recently to get her context.
• For example, my pass phrase is "Yes, no, I don't know.  If that isn't a true blue miracle, I don't know what one is".
• Not everyone has a pass phrase and those who do have a phrase of their own.
• Now the first half is said in a silly sing-song voice with side to side head actions.  If she says that, I have to say the rest, and vice versa.  It's like proof that I am me.
• The second half is from the 1978 Christmas Eve on Sesame Street special.
• She also loves my Strawberry Shortcake dolls and is generally trying to manipulate them out of me.
• Perhaps you could have a garage sale and sell your old toys.  You would tell me when you have a garage sale wouldn't you?
• Do you play with your dolls, Sera?  No?  Toys need to be played with.  I would play with them.
• Every single visit to my parents she finds them.  I don't even know where my parents put them last but somehow Beth does.  Then we have to check that they didn't "disappear" into a pocket...
• I have taken a few more steps with the Burda dress, but last night was bowling so not as much as you would think, the back is joined and it has a zipper.
• I really did a good job on the invisible zipper part.
• The spot below the zipper, well, the seam ripper and I got to be good friends. 
• Stellar Parenting made me leaky.  I love her posts to her daughter.  I must remember the line "You were worth the wait" when I feel impatient.  One day I will feel like that.

Okay, I'm feeling a little more sorted out now.  Thanks for following along.

Nighttime Ramblings

I have mentioned this a few times, but I sometimes have problems with vivid dreams and occasionally sleep walking or talking.  I rarely make it past the foot of my bed.  If I do, I wake up enough that I still feel some compulsion to do whatever I started, but I'm a little more aware of what is going on.  I am quite likely to go to the bathroom at that point because it feels like that thing you do when you aren't in bed in the middle of the night. 

Most dreams that lead to walking are reoccurring.   The past few years, the dream has been some variation of thinking someone is in the room and I am concerned because I generally sleep naked and I shouldn't be naked with people other than Mr. Lina.  The practical solution was to wear pj's if Mr. Lina wasn't coming to bed at the same time as me (he was usually the "other person" since he wasn't there when I went to bed), so far that has worked.  But since we came back from Florida, I have woken up almost every night mid dream still believing it's real.  Three times I've gone to bed naked and woken up with pj's on (I do remember putting the pj's on but it's pretty fuzzy).  All but one dream involve going on a roller coaster (in the exception, I was a waitress trying to remember multiple tables orders).  The ending has shifted over the two weeks, starting with not knowing I was in my own bedroom and now I wake up surprised that Disney knew how to make the ride come back to my bedroom.  From that point I get stressed trying to figure out how I got to the ride naked (or how to get off the ride), which leads to me sneakily sleep walking to my cupboard (or laundry pile last night) for pj's.  I put on the pj's and I fall back asleep fairly quickly.  I don't lose a lot of sleep over these dreams but I don't like waking up feeling stressed and confused.  The practical solution will be to wear pj's for a while to stop the walking (although not the dreaming because I don't always walk), but it does hint to other issues.

In short, something is on my mind.  Something is bothering me.  I don't do this when I'm not stressed and over thinking something.

So what could it be... 

• Infertility treatments are looming, I know I'm feeling a little unsure in my decision to take Humira.
• Which reminds me, the sono/blood work I thought were booked for Saturday?  We went to the clinic to find out it is for NEXT Saturday.  And when I got home I remembered there was paperwork for me to sign/pick up that I forgot to ask for.  Sigh.
• It's our last cycle and as much as I am good with that, it doesn't mean it's all butterflies and rainbows.
• Performance review time is starting at work.  I know my manager will give me a good review but I tend to think critically of myself and don't like writing that out.
• I am juggling too many clients at work but part of "too much" ends today and I will be back to one day a week at my employers office rather than one day every 2-3 weeks.
• I really liked Disney and want the rides to continue?  As fun as it was, I don't think this is it.  I wake up either in line or at the end of the ride, I don't remember fun part of the ride and it's not the same as any of the rides at Disney, maybe the closest is the three seat tube like thing for Space Mountain.
• I am not feeling down like I did a year ago, I know I'm procrastinating horribly at work and hiding from reality in games/books so things aren't perfect, but I know I am in a better mental state than I have been.

I did do some sewing this weekend.  Yay!  I tidied up my sewing table so I could have some elbow room.  I have Burda 118 A cut out.  I am disappointed in myself for not paying attention to the direction of stretch because having the stretch going around my body just makes sense, but I think it will be okay.  It is suppose to be on the bias, but someone has cut it on the straight of grain and it's been fine, so it shouldn't be a fitting issue (or if it is, that's me grading up incorrectly).  It isn't overly stretchy so I don't *think* it will impact the hemline drastically.  I have found some flaws in the fabric.  Just a little thread pulling on one side.  Colour wise, I can't tell front from back of the fabric but those pulled threads have decided which is which.  I cut around the worst one but there are two small spots I couldn't work around (but I also can't see it on the right side where I could if I knew where to look with the larger one).  The stay stitching is done, it's fraying around the curves so I have already zig zagged the seam allowances for the front piece, the gathering on the side is done.  The more I touch the fabric the softer it feels (although burn test has me thinking it's completely synthetic) - I love the fabric.  I think I've been sewing slowly because I'm afraid of f*cking it all up rather than trusting myself to read and follow directions. 

Pajama Party!

Oh, no, not that pajama party.

I'm going to join in on the PJ party that Did You Make That is hosting.  I think it will fall in nicely with the pants blocker that I have been picking away at.  I had time to sew on the weekend and did not, I just poked around the stash a little bit.  Pants are really what I want to work on next, but that's thinking sewing.  All this nose blowing has my brain cells rattling around and not interested in thinking unless I have to.  But that will not last much longer, there has been improvement every day.  Ease and fit are not the same for pj's as trousers, but I think it could still be helpful in understanding crotch curve etc. 

I am torn on what to do.  Should I buy some fun patterned seersucker and make summer pj's?  I could use something light and cottony.  I have two cotton nightgowns that are good for when it's truly hot, but that's about it and both are well, old.  And I don't really want people to see me in either nightgown, they are old and thin to the point of somewhat sheer if there is light behind me.  Not so good for lounging or stepping out to the backyard to water plants.

Or, do I make something warmer?  I bought some fleece backed pale purple satin ages ago.  I have two pairs of pj's I adore, but really they are both over 10 years old now, they aren't as fleecy on the inside as they were even if they still look good on the outside.  They are men's styling, with a collar and pocket and piping.  I do love them when we have guests and I want to look nice-ish but not sexy in the morning (more Hugh Hefner, less Playboy bunny).  I bought the fabric with that kind of pajama in mind.  Stash busting is a pro here, but the top will need some thinking to it and take a fair bit of time for what is in my head. 

In all honesty, I don't wear pj's to bed all that often.  Mr. Lina and I typically sleep naked.  I do wear pj's when we have guests (or if I am a guest) or if I go to bed first.  I have a tendency to sleep walk when I'm stressed, I rarely go far, but I get very vivid dreams and start acting them out.  Dreams that make me walk are generally reoccurring dreams.  When I was a lifeguard in high school and university, there were 2-3 pool related dreams I rotated through if I worked more than 40 hours a week, particularly if the bulk of those hours were in the water teaching lessons rather than on deck guarding.  I have come to realize my current reoccurring sleep walking dream is tied to being naked.  If I go to bed first, I hear Mr. Lina coming to bed and I don't think it is him.  Then I feel embarrassed that someone is seeing me naked who isn't my husband and I walk over to my cupboard to find something to wear.  Typically, I have a specific article in mind so I will hunt until I either find it or wake up.  It is to the point that if Mr. Lina hears me starting to move while he is coming to bed, he will say "It's just me, go to sleep".  And that is usually enough for me to settle.  If I wear pj's to bed when he's staying up to play video games, sleep walking is averted.  Pj's are also lounge wear in the morning so they do get use, just maybe not as much as other households.

Rough Days

May I start off to say you guys are all great.  I really appreciated the replies to my last post.  It was like a lot of hugs when I needed them.

I suppose I needed to phrase things a little differently.  We're not quite on the adoption bandwagon quite yet.  I still have four frozen embryos I can't walk away from, and that's going to take time.  It's two cycles to do a FET, plus a cycle for the Yale test and whatever time in between.  But... I have requested information on adoption, and it's more about the tone of conversation between us that feels good.  Shifting from obstacles to solutions.  Having a clear idea of what's next if those embryos don't become babies.  Mr. Lina's job is about having back up plans to back up plans (he once called me his redundant memory, I was not amused until he explained the importance of the phrase redundant in his work world) and he's more comfortable when those next steps are well defined.  Sometimes he needs to know what the third option is because only having two is a little... unsettling. 

I haven't posted about how I have been feeling in a little while.  Post-Christmas, pre-immunologist, I was feeling okay.  Maybe not perfect, but good enough that I didn't have much to say on that front.  We even decided to stop seeing our therapist until after seeing the immunologist, and she agreed we didn't need her.  I should have booked that post-immunologist appointment.  It's been a really rough spot again for me.  Tuesday was, well, not pretty.  Sleepwalking, crying driving to work, crying at work, spacing out, leaving work early, nope, not a good day at all.  If I didn't carpool to bowling, I probably would have missed that to just stay home and cry.  So a lot of back sliding has been going on through February.

A great deal of it I think is tied to feeling stagnant.  In limbo.  Unable to change a damn thing and not really wanting to get off my ass to set the ball rolling.  Hormones may also be a factor for the disaster of this week as my 38 day cycle has come to an end just today.  Progesterone makes me feel sad, sad upon sad is not a good thing at all.  Sleepwalking is a sign of stress for me.  I first remember doing it when I was working in aquatics.  If I worked more than 40 hours in a week, odds are I'd start dreaming of the pool.  I would wake up either standing at the foot of my bed wondering where the kids went or lifting sheets looking for a specific 2 year old who fell back into the pool on me once (which in real life was fine, nothing bad happened, but in my dream I can't find her).  I rarely walk far and I'm generally aware it's going on. 

Yesterday, I finally got up some umph to do something.  I phoned the clinic to follow up on the immunologist report, I emailed children's aid for information about adoption, and I spent a little time last night sorting through the crap in my sewing room. 

Not a lot of time was spent cleaning because the sleep walking was tied to the book I'm reading.   The Fuller Memorandum by Charles Stross is part of the Laundry series I recommended to LazySubculturalGirl.  I am enjoying it, but it's a whole lot bleaker than previous books.  The series take place in a modern world where the writings of H.P. Lovecraft are correct and one day Cthulhu and all the other Deep Ones will come and eat our souls, complex math is like magic that connects our worlds to other worlds.  The Laundry is the UK government secret agency that keeps those worlds from colliding with ours and the whole thing covered up.  Generally I've found it amusing (if technical - Andi, I went back and read Atrocity Archives & Concrete Jungle, I still like them but I see what you mean) sci-fi, but man, this one is bleak.  So, no more reading this before bed so I don't wake up at 3am looking for the trap door to the Laundry offices and seeing people with worms behind their eyes.  This is pre-10pm stuff only and there must be something done prior to bed so sewing room cleaning filled the slot nicely.

There were a surprising number of my clothes cluttering up my sewing room.  I guess I take things off to try on what I'm sewing, or see how things were made, and then forget to take it out with me.  Between that and filling two boxes with previously homeless fabric, it actually does look better (I didn't say good, just better).  The third Ikea box is becoming a toy box for when kids visit.  We may have bought a tea party set while at Ikea (okay, we did, but in our defense it was cute and friends have 3 girls of the right age).  We already have a few stuffed animals, construction paper, pencil crayons, and some dinky cars that have been all over the house.  Now they have a single home and it is not my sewing room.

The clinic called me back while I was driving to work this morning and I couldn't get the hands free fast enough to pick up so I'm now in voice mail hell.  I am not willing to wait another 2 months to get feedback on this from my doctor, that is the time frame for appointments with him.  I know what I was told by the immunologist, and yes I want to hear my doctors point of view, but I'm happy to hear it from a nurse. I am not sure they will agree but I can be stubborn at times and this is likely one of them.  Given that it's nearly 5 and they shut down at 3, I'm not getting an answer today.

This will be a music filled weekend.  We are hosting Ben Sures from Alberta on Saturday night.  Sunday we are going to a house concert for Mark Reeves.  From now until Saturday night, there will be much house cleaning going on.  It's a good thing we host so often because I really don't feel inspired to clean on my own behalf.  Ben is actually up for an international songwriting award.  It's a bit complicated, but you go here: http://www.songwritingcompetition.com/news follow the link to like them on Facebook and in Facebook you will see the Peoples Vote button, it will prompt you for an email address and you can vote once per day.  There were quite a few familiar names to me across multiple categories. 

Anyhow, here is a sample of Ben Sures work.

It's suddenly very warm...

I have decided to take today off of work for a mental health day.  They call them personal days at work because they don't care if it's you, your kid, or your car that is sick, don't lie just take the day.  It's a good policy in my mind.

One of the reasons that I think today is a good day is that stress has moved into my sleep.  When my stress levels get high, I have very vivid dreams that lead to sleep walking short distances and talking in my sleep.  A reoccurring dream the past few years has been that for some reason (this part changes), people will be coming into my bedroom (generally it is actually Mr. Lina coming to bed after me).  This poses a problem because we sleep naked more often than not and I don't want them to see me naked.  So I walk over to my cupboard to find pj's.  I usually wake up at about this point, sometimes the compulsion to wear pj's is too much to ignore even if I'm awake enough to realize what's going on so I just put something on.  Only once have I woken up surprised to see I was wearing pj's. 

Last night I had another variation on this dream.  People were going to be coming to me or looking to find me, not sure which or why, and again I was naked.  In my dream, Mr. Lina was a girl, but I remember thinking that "she" was asleep so as long as I was quiet, she wouldn't see me naked.  I went to the bathroom, peed, put on my house coat and went back to bed.  However my house coat is a fair bit warmer and more cumbersome than most pj's.  I was too hot, I couldn't roll over.  It never crossed my mind that I was being silly to just take the damn thing off, I just kept trying to adjust the blankets to make it work.  Sigh.  More dreams came out of the restless sleeping, but they are slipping away from my memory.  Overall, not a good quality sleep.

So, plans for today are fluid but may include:
-finishing the partially cut Sorbetto
-working on the tea towels (although I started one set, I think I can do better, other fabric is washed but not cut/hemmed)
-laundry - kind of a must, it's like an overflowing volcano of clothing in there
-groceries - again, much needed, out of many things including milk, bread has blue spots, and ingredients for dinner tonight
-nap
-tears - but the let it all out good kind, not the "I hope no one stops by my cubicle right now" kind
-de-cluttering - I'm feeling a bit overwhelmed with crap in our bedroom and my sewing room, I'm not good at this so most likely to not happen unless I want to get angry (which again, isn't such a bad thing for a mental health day)
-reading blogs - success!  I've already read a few, and you all made me smile.