Forward Motion

I think the last post was pretty much what I needed to write.  I noticed after that I have had more umph and looked for what I did do rather than what I didn't do.  I haven't sewn and I have still wasted time, but it was a choice to do the alternative activities not a passive "should have". 

On Boxing Day I started another baby blanket like the one I made for my niece.  I figured I should start another while I still remember.  I'm oh, about 20 rows into the centre part.  I think I'm suppose to do 72 rows in total (so 36 shells facing on each side of the centre block).  It actually feels pretty good to look at those 20 rows and know some of my tv time with Mr. Lina has been productive, creative and soothing.  I know I dragged my fingers (so to speak) with the edging, but I am really comfortable with the centre shell stitches and it is soothing work.  I'm not so thrilled with the yarn I bought, Mom says it's the control label brand for Michaels, I had no idea.  It felt okay at the store but the more I work with it the more I realize it's not as nice as what my MIL bought in the summer (Bernat I think).  I'll have to put something super soft on the edges to make it a little more cuddly.  Next time I'll be more selective in my purchasing.  Any tips on what to make baby blankets with?  I want something that launders well.  It's a baby blanket, someone is going to puke on it.  Probably multiple times.  I don't believe in making delicate gifts for a baby.

We went for a few walks last week, it was nice to get out in the evening and work in my oh so fashionable Sorell -70C winter boots prior to taking them snow shoeing (although with temperatures reaching 9C on Friday that may be a while).  However, Mr. Lina came down with a cold on Saturday and didn't want to walk.  I can't say I blame him, it's just a stuffed up kind of cold but it's still not fun.  I'm not keen on walking in the dark (the sun sets before I leave work) on my own so I'll wait until he is healthy before pestering again.  Bowling started up last night after a Christmas break and it was good to see people although I bowled quite horribly.  Both activities got me out of the house a little which is also good.

So maybe not sewing action, but there has been action going on. 

This will be a busy few days to keep me on my toes.  Financial planner is coming by tonight, my SIL and niece are visiting tomorrow night, Friday Mr. Lins is hosting "Shitty Movie Night" (any guesses on how many women will be attending?).  Saturday we have plans with friends in the evening (at their house), but we're going to do some errands and visit Fabricland in the day.  Yes, that does say WE and Fabricland.  The last day of filming for Tasha & Friends is coming up and they need the space to look like a television studio, including black backdrops to hide the parts of the big room that do not look like studio space.  So we're off to buy broadcloth and apparently I'm sewing it together.  I could do that shopping on my own, but it is for his movie, I'd rather have him see it to be sure that's what he wants. 

I try very hard not to remember sad dates, I'd rather remember someones birthday than the day they died.  I am sure it's why I find some months sad because somewhere in my brain I know there is a reason to be sad, but really, I can't be sad for 6 specific pregancies and survive.  I like to think of my past pregnancies as that, pregnancies that didn't work out, it somehow feels more positive.  Over the holidays, I found memories creeping into my head.  Passing the pregnancy test on Dec 27th and not going to work because I was too excited and confused to get my butt to work on time.  Trying to figure out when that pregnancy started and how far along I was.  Having a secrect for New Years Eve and fake sipping champagne.  I honestly didn't remember the date where the happy parts ended, I remember everything about it but the date was fuzzy.  Mr. Lina, he doesn't remember every date, but the big ones stick with him.  He reminded me that two years ago tomorrow was a very sad day.  I felt my heart break that day and I made noises I didn't know I was capable of making.  Tomorrow was one of the big ones. 

And what did I do?  I invited my SIL and niece over for dinner without realizing what day it was.  I hope that was a good decision.

I think that's part of what was (is) going on for me, this lead up to the unhappy stuff.  Pushing it aside and trying to forget and hiding from it all but knowing it's there.  And that's okay, I just feel better taking a little ownership over the why.  Mr. Lina, well, he keeps sending me updates on the sheep he passes on the way to work and pictures of babies and we have a kitten cam to keep us happy when things are not.  I'll never own cats because of my allergies, but I like them from a distance. 

Friday Ramblings

Time to sit down with some caffeine of some sort and put a few thoughts together...

• Went to get that warm beverage and got swarmed with people.  Apparently my day is full of work now.
• Running is going okay.  Mr. Lina has a faster gait than me which leaves me either pushing too hard or him wondering where I went.
• We're going to get new shoes for me tonight because I don't think mine are doing me any favours.  They never really felt right for my feet.
• Mr. Lina is doing quite well with the weight loss competition.  The people who are starving themselves are not losing weight anymore (surprise, surprise) and he is losing about 2-3lbs a week.  He's not in the lead but he's feeling good about it and that's important to me.
• We had a guest with us this week.  A friend of the musician we'll be hosting next week was taking an art class in the area.  She was awesome and a good guest.
• I spent a little time in my sewing room on Wednesday tidying it up.  I need a little more elbow room for it to be a productive space again.
• I was showing our guest some fabric and the Sewaholic Alma and Cambie patterns, I think the two pieces of fabric I bought in Montreal will work for each pattern.
• A-line Cambie in big black polka dots with a cream background?  The fabric is too heavy for all the gathering of the full skirt but I think it will be great in the A-line version.
• With a black shirt underneath and black tights it would wear in winter well.
• This weekend is about filming.  Tonight is set up and prep for filming tomorrow.
• I'm in charge of "craft services" aka food for about 10 people.
• I keep hearing it like "Kraft services" like all the food should be Cheeze Whiz, bbq sauce and Miracle Whip.
• Hmm, I can't eat any of those products as they all contain mustard.  We'll have to stick to Jello, Philadelphia cream cheese and Kraft peanut butter.  ;)
• I'm going to take my crochet with me this time so I can be quiet and productive.
• Dinner (roast chicken) is going into a slow cooker so it can cook quietly too.
• Hopefully they get it all done on Saturday.  After having a guest from Monday evening until this morning and sleeping over for filming tonight, I want to be home alone for a while on Sunday.  I need some snuggle time with Mr. Lina.
• I hate 9am meetings.
• I generally get to work somewhere between 8:50 and 9:20.  My employer is not too fussed as long as I arrive before 9:30 and get my work done.
• Somehow, knowing I need to be there for 9 makes it that much harder to get there for 9.
• Looks like I'm going to be doing some training in late October.  3 hours with a client that is not one of my regulars.  I'm looking forward to it.
• I think I'd rather talk about what I do than do it.

Okay, speaking of work, time to actually do it.  Have a great weekend, folks.  What are you up to?

Crocheting along

My sewing room has not been calling me lately.  I have been continuing to work on the blanket for my niece.  And I've decided to give her a blog name.  I am going to call her Autumn because one of her names translates to Autumn.  For whatever reason, the boarder on this blanket has driven me a little batty.  It's single crochet around the square, and when you get back to the first corner, you turn and do single crochet around again.  Sounds simple, no?  Sometimes I forget to stop at that corner (I've now marked it).  The corner itself looked horrible 4 rows in as well as too tight along one side so it wasn't lying flat, so I ripped all the way back and started that again (I've now caught up to where I was).  The pattern calls for 9 rows like that.  Mom suggested maybe I only do 5 or 7 as it's clearly not playing to my strengths, but I think the pattern of the single crochet needs rows to actually look intentional.  So I will plug on to the full 9 rows.  Now that my corner doesn't look warped and I've marked it, it's going along okay.

Did I mention that there is a double tie to this crochet pattern?  After showing Mom the blanket and pattern, she thought it looked familiar.  It seems her mother bought a knitting/crochet book (copyright 1941) sometime between 1942-1944 based on her married name being on the book (April 1942) and Mom thought she bought it prior to her birth in March, 1945.  That book has the same pattern.  The only difference is the 1941 version suggests adding embroidery along the single crochet rows (9 rows gives space for that) and the Lina family version does not.  The fonts and formatting are a little different, but the directions are identical.  Very cool, no?

After Summerfolk, Mr. Lina and I went to see Autumn at my parents house.  Summerfolk is really tiring, lots of early mornings, late nights and sunshine all day.  Taking Monday off work is a necessity.  Mr. Lina was fading when we got to my parents in the early evening.  Autumn wasn't all that awake herself (feeding is pretty hard work)....

She is a very snuggly baby.  And sadly, a baby who went home on Wednesday.  I have mixed feelings about that.  The part that empathizes for my brother having to be back at home while his wife and daughter are here want them to rush back to him.  They need to learn to be parents together and he is missing out on this time with Autumn.  Part of me is sad that she will be gone so I can't ease her into my life at a rate I'm comfortable with.  It's all or nothing.

Do you ever feel there are signs out there?  Sometimes things you don't want to hear?   God or the universe or whatever just pushing you along in one direction or another?

Both Mr. Lina and I have quite a few things shifting at work.  Mr. Lina survived the cuts, but it has changed who he reports to in a not so positive way and work will not be a fun place to be with so many friends gone.  Two of my coworkers quit last week and on a team our size, it's a big gap to fill while people are hired and trained.  I'm told my role is not changing in the short term because my time is allocated to clients, but my manager said he wanted me to be used differently.  Less time on site, more time in the office.  Outside of the director responsible for all of us, I'm now the team member with the most knowledge in the product I specialize in and spatial analysis.  My manager wants people to have access to my knowledge, and it's not fair to my clients to spend their time on work that isn't for them.  Makes sense.  I mentioned I wouldn't want to work at my employers office 5 days a week just because the commute is too expensive, but there is flexibility that we could negotiate something.  This is contract negotiation year for the client they would like to move me off of, but they won't risk it until the negotiations are done this fall.  That also provides a little time to see who they hire and what adjustments would play to their strengths.

I was talking to Mr. Lina about this last night.  He is seeing it as a bit of a sign.  We've always wanted to move west to be closer to his employer, not mine.  We have a lot of friends in that community, I liked living there for my post-grad years, I don't define myself by my career so I'd be happy raising kids and finding money when we need it.  Properties have larger lots and lower values, we could buy something larger for the same value as our current home.  But now he wants to avoid the new politics at work by working from home more, maybe choosing to work out of an office that is closer to home but thanks to the horrible traffic around the airport, a harder drive.  If we moved a little further east that office would be a better option for him.  We need to move prior to adopting, we're going to have to pick a direction at some point soon.

It was strange hearing him talk about how maybe the plan to go west just isn't going to happen.  Maybe because other opportunities haven't materialized, like actually having kids, or a job for me near his work.  But then again, because I've always felt that I could be on mat leave within any given year, I haven't looked, instead I have valued the stability and flexibility of my current employer.  That's not the universe talking, that's me not keeping an eye out. 

Wouldn't life be boring if it came with a map of where we're suppose to be when?

My Contribution to Film

Mr. Lina is going to be filming the next movie from Friday to Monday so the long weekend we were running a few last minute errands for the film.  Mr. Lina mentioned he needed to buy a thong for the movie.  I said I could do that.  Really, it gave me an excuse to put off the zipper situation on the purple dress and it's two triangles sewn together.  I can do that.

This is made from pantie fabric from Sew Sassy - Y2705 (they spell it i.e., I want to spell it with a y, either way, it really does feel nice), picot elastic from Sew Sassy and some FOE I think I bought at Fabricland, I've had it for a while so I'm not sure.  Mr. Lina wanted it all black (oh so easy to photograph) so the FOE is actually inside out.  The proper side has silver threads on one side, when you stretch the waist band you can still see a few glimmers.  If I understand right, Mr. Lina wanted this to be as tiny and stretchy as possible.  It will be used more like a string than underwear.  The actress will not need to wear it, so sizing didn't really matter, I took the sizing roughly from a RTW thong in my drawer.  I made it a little too small for me and told Mr. Lina I didn't want it back, if the actress would like to keep the "wardrobe", she was welcome to it.

My sewing room really needs to be tidied up.  I have many shoe/boot boxes that keep things like elastic or ribbon or black bra supplies together.  It works pretty well for me.  Until I misplace the box that has the cotton knit I use for the gusset on underwear.  I must have spent half an hour looking for that box.  I still haven't found it (although I did find a RTW bra I was looking for), I ended up using a little snippet of pointe knit, same fabric I made my last Renfrew from.

Why does the couch look wavy?  I really should have taken my time last night.

The one challenge with this kind of project is keeping everything facing the right way.  Because the triangle in the back is not attached to the front, it's really easy to think you have the elastic facing the right way only to sew it all on and realize there was a twist in it.  Ask me how I know.  Between looking for the box and resewing the waistband on, this took much longer than it should have.

I also needed to get my ass in gear on the blanket.  My brother has gone back to the NWT, I think I'm healthy enough to meet my niece but Mr. Lina is still having some lingering coughing and congestion.  I don't want to go without him so I'll wait until after the film is shot.  I've started the boarder but each side has a different stitch pattern to get started so it's been slow going.  I think it's 4 rows of single crochet and then a few rows of the shells to make a wavy edge.

Sorry for the night time picture, it really is a pretty green.

I bought some pink, yellow and variegated yarns, providing options on what to use.  Mr. Lina liked all three but he really liked the variegated yarn.  I figure you shouldn't ask an opinion if you aren't going to consider it.  I liked pink best because I know who it's for but I liked yellow best because it was pretty, this felt like a compromise when I just couldn't decide.    We'll see how it looks when I have more than one row done.  I can always switch back to green for the wavy shell part.

One little whiny story.  I went to Montreal on Tuesday for work.  There were 3 newish employees who needed training on the product I specialize in and part of their time was associated with my client so I will be working with them.  My account director decided it was cheaper to send me to them rather than all three of them to Toronto.  I like training, I was happy to meet many people I work with on a regular basis but have never had the opportunity to meet.  I did not realize what the day was going to end up like.  I was on an 8am flight to Montreal (i.e. the alarm went off at 5:40am) and I was on a 5pm flight home.  Fortunately both my home and employers office are close to their respective airports, but it's still about 2.5 hours between the flight time and pre-boarding each trip to end up being in the office from 10am to 3:30pm and I spent all of that time standing at the front of the room talking.  Lunch ended up being a quick take out from the mall across the road because there wasn't time to have a social meal.  AND no time to go fabric shopping.  I mean really, what were these people thinking?  Why did I not speak up sooner?  I'd say next time but I have been with my employer over 6 years and 2 years being associated with a client that has a head office in Montreal, I don't know when "next time" will roll around. 

Anyone live in New Orleans?  The Post-Lifers has been accepted to the New Orleans Film Festival.  Mr. Lina also submitted to the New Orleans Horror Festival and is waiting to hear back.  We are thinking that we'll go to one of the two festivals, both are in October about two weeks apart so we can't stay for both.  I'm happy to have another reason to go to NOLA even if it's just for a couple of days.

Awards Abound

I happen to be married to an award winning film maker.  The Post-Lifers took the prize for Best Short Film at the Mississauga Independent Film Festival.  Pretty cool, eh?  Sadly, they emailed the producers at 7pm Sunday night to say they were top 3, could/would they be attending the awards ceremony that night?  Mr. Lina was tired and watching a movie, not checking email and didn't find out until after it was too late.  He replied to apologize and went to their twitter feed to see they won.  Honestly, the 10 or so short films I saw Sunday were all great.  Good quality of films, these did not look like really low budgets.  I don't know what the other two screenings of short films included but the competition was really good based on Short Films C.

I also happen to be given a little award at work for organizing our team event.  It means I get to pick a prize from a selection dependent on the type of prize.  I struggle picking something every time I get one of these awards.  I like some of the kitchen appliances but I don't really have space for a yogurt maker or dehydrator or bread maker.  They do have two irons to choose from.  I like my iron and it works fine, but every time I consider picking one out just to have a back up.  My options are a T Fal Cordless Iron or a Panasonic Cordless Steam Iron.  Or maybe a small garment steamer?  I like the idea of the steamer but the reviews are pretty brutal.  Decisions, decisions...

In the FAIL awards section, I award a fail to plastic bra pieces.  Friday night we were at our friends cottage, I stretched a bit and heard a pop.  The little plastic hook holding my bra strap and the bra cup together broke.  Bah.  I am not amused.

My uterus also gets an award for most confusion in 2012.  Spotting on Friday was just spotting.  So who knows when my period will arrive next.  Maybe it's a good thing I'm not seeing the doctor until September, I don't have to worry about the non-period, just rejoice that I didn't have to worry about tampons at a friends cottage.

And last but not least, I seem to have been awarded a summer cold.  Every day the symptoms shift a little bit, not so bad to really hold me back but it's pretty annoying.  My ears keep feeling like they need to pop and things sound muffled.  Today there is a bit of a cough but my nose seems to be in better control.  I was going to take a picture of my broken bra yesterday but I just couldn't be bothered.  Mr. Lina made up for the "it's purple" by making our dinner, bringing me beverages and dealing with garbage day on his own.  I sat and crocheted.  He is a very good husband.

Short Series of Time

This directionless restless feeling is still there but I think I'm getting through it.  If you think of life as a series of short stages, I think when I look back I'll see the vacation as the start of a new chunk of time.  This is going to be a bit rambly, but there is a point.  So what has been going on?

• We went to see my doctor for our review appointment for pregnancy #7 (I still don't like the M word).  I found myself reassuring him.  He has done what he sees as the best options for us over and over and we still are not successful.  His frustration is abundantly apparent.  So I found myself using my own lines to him, that it's okay, this is just the path we're on and I still trust him.  He can't be in my uterus making it happen, his best is good enough for me.  In talking to my manager about this yesterday, I really felt the truth of that.  Infertility is just part of who I am now, like my weird food allergies and the fact that I'm short, all of these experiences are making me into who I will be and I accept that aspect of it.  He is going to a conference in early September, immunological issues in fertility is part of that so he wants to see us Sept 14th prior to starting on our last cycle (and I did say I'm done after that) in case something new comes out of it. 
• Initially, I didn't like this, I don't want more time to waste away.  Mr. Lina was the one to specifically ask if we should wait, but as I think about it, it is a good thing.  Summer can go on as planned, my period still has not appeared and I'm not really sure what to count as Day 1 after all the prometrium to put off bleeding.  June 3rd?  June 8th?  Either way, we're at about 35-40 days now for this cycle which is not unusual for me but I have a feeling this is going to be a long annovulatory cycle.  Sept 14th is 53 days away.  It would be missing one cycle, maybe two if I ovulate next cycle and it's short (for me).  It doesn't sound so long looking at it that way. 
• I think the clutter is really paralyzing me from doing things at home.  I like a little clutter, but it is an overwhelming amount of crap we've let accumulate around the house.  This is what happens when we don't entertain, there isn't someone else to clean up for.
• Mr. Lina is in movie mode.  They will be filming another short film in August so there are many meetings and planning sessions going on.  The Post-Lifers has got into a few more film festivals.  Mississauga International Film Festival will be hosting them on July 29th so we'll be going to that.  Finally something that is somewhat local for our friends and family.
• Weight.  I did not put on as much weight as I often do in Manitoba (I have nicknamed it "the land of a pound a day" for a reason), but about 4 pounds did return with me and I wasn't happy with the number on the scale prior to Manitoba.  They need to come off before they become permanent. 
• On the job front for Mr. Lina, things are still unsettled but he seems less sad about it.  Just in case he is laid off, he brought home his personal books and things.  His manager (a friend prior to working together) has found another job so it's one less person to worry about.  Mr. Lina found out that someone senior was asked for input on essential staff and Mr. Lina was included as essential, so assuming they listen to him things should be okay.  As mentioned, it is less the financial side of a possible layoff, it's the sadness of leaving a place he wants to work at and uncertainty that is causing problems at the moment. 
• I was happy at work yesterday.  That sounds so simple, but it's been such a struggle to feel that way.  I had things to do but not so much that I was overwhelmed.  I had people asking my opinion about their projects and asking for help to learn software that is new to them.  I left on time.  It was a good day.
• I have made a little progress on the blanket I'm crocheting, I think I have about 10-14 rows left.  So far, I'm happy enough to give it as a gift  I also worked up the courage to ask my mom if Clone and my SIL know the gender of the baby and it seems like it might be a girl but they aren't sure.  So I guess I'll be sticking to neutral colours.  Makes sense for a first baby anyhow.  I have to purchase the yarn for the boarder unless I just do it all mint green.  The boarder is in two pieces, a bit of double crochet and then a ruffly shell, so I could do the double crochet in white or yellow to break it up and then the ruffly bit in the same mint green. 
• I had all day Sunday and last night to myself.  I did not sew, I thought about sewing.  I went in my sewing room, and every time I walked back out.  I don't know why really, but it just wasn't where I wanted to be.

This doesn't seem related to my thoughts on short series, but it is.  From now until (at the earliest) September, I won't be doing infertility treatments.  No additional appointments or medication outside of the usual metformin, baby aspirin and prenatal vitamins.  Mr. Lina is making mental headway on adoption so even on that front, I'm feeling pretty good.  As much as pregnancy #7 did not end the way we wanted it to, I'm okay with it and I feel mentally better (not perfect, just better) than I did in the fall or winter.  If I think of it as wasted time, I will end up sliding back. 

I think I need to figure out what this short span of time IS going to be about and own that.  There are things planned - going to a friends cottage, the movie shoot, Summerfolk, my birthday, guests from Manitoba, becoming an aunt, house concerts start up again in September....  no lack of things going on, but it still comes down to me seeing it as time well spent.

Not so good

I wish I had some encouraging news today.  I won't be in for tests until tomorrow, but the cramps are coming back.  I woke up to some red blood, and I've felt okay this morning but since about noon or so the cramps have been slowly building and getting rather painful.  Not a good sign when I am not even coming up to the next dose of prometrium. 

I feel kind of numb and okay with this.  You all know how much I want this to work, but I also know how much worse the pain (both emotionally and physically) is as it drags out.  I feel a bit fatalistic.  This will be what it will be and I'm not saying I'm happy but I can't control it either.  The analytical side of my brain knows all the facts and is well aware of what's going on while we still rub my belly good morning and good night and talk about what the baby likes (ice cream) and what the baby did not like (flavoured tuna).  We also tell it to study hard for each test.

My employers are being really supportive.  I'm working from home today and tomorrow, we'll take things day by day.  With the cramps increasing, I will be less productive this afternoon but at least this isn't another personal day.  I'm only suppose to have 7 in a year, pretty sure I'm over that now and it's not even midway through the year. 

So while I sit and let myself be pampered, I have been picking away at crochet.  I decided my first four edged project (to call it a rectangle is an insult to all straight edges out there) was big enough to be a functional dish cloth so I tied that off.  It is warped and horrible with dropped stitches galore, but I kinda like it for that. 

I started a second "rectangle of learning".  It starts with a bit of single crochet and then some half-double crochet and double crochet.  I think I'm catching onto the pattern of the stitches although I still look ahead at the actual pattern pictures and don't get it.  I must say it passes time and while I do need to pay attention to what I'm doing, it lets me get into a zone of not thinking about other things.  I took a picture but I don't know where the little card reader is so it's going to have to wait until Mr. Lina is home.

Also, have any of you read Pride and Prejudice?  I'm oh.. more than half way through (Mr. Darcy just got shot down by Elizabeth, I wouldn't have seen that proposal coming either) and enjoying it so far.  I think I'd like to see one of the movie adaptations once I have finished it.  I have to say it's been a while since I read something that had older English.  I used to be more game for stuff like this but half the time I'm reading because I'm tired and want to zone out rather than pick apart the nuances of older language structure. 

So far so good

http://www.slrsportequip.com/products/athletics-archery/hurdles/h7-schools-practice-hurdle/

I think that about sums up where we are.  Very happy about crossing that first hurdle with a promising number but trying not to get too excited.  Thank you all for your comments and support, it really does mean a lot to me.

Attachment is a huge word in adoption.  We all have Disney-fied visions of adoption as a happy story, but a whole lot of crap went on in that young life prior to the adoption.  Adults are suppose to care for little ones and someone did not take care of them.  It is likely that many people did not.  People came and people went in their little lives.  That's hard on a little heart just like my heart is pretty battered from all of my past hopes.  The first time I was really talking about adoption with a friend of mine who works for Children's Aid in another region, she said attachment was everything.  If it was there, families could be mended, without it everything was so much harder.  Because I've always wanted to be a mom, and I have a great mom, I didn't understand how precious attachment is.  Over time, reading other peoples journeys, I'm starting to get it. 

Yesterday, part of my problem is that I didn't know what to expect.  With a lot of the past tests, I've just had a gut feeling, a knowing that something was going on.  I felt attached already, just to the hope of what felt true.  After all we've been through, I think I've become scared of making that attachment.  I saw a few positive signs in my body and blamed it on pills.  I didn't listen to my own body because I didn't want to hear nothing, so I couldn't even take the risk of hearing something good.

It's such a hard line to walk right now.  I'm thrilled that I passed yesterday.  It is wonderful that it's high enough it won't be another chemical pregnancy.  I'm scared that it means if things don't go well it's that much further along and will hurt that much more.  The farther we get from the news of yesterday the more I want the next hurdle to appear so I can feel safe again with my fledgling hope.

I have not been sewing this week.  Seeing all the mistakes I made on that nightgown hit home that I really need to stick to basics rather than thinking sewing.  I'll get in there again, I could use some Renfrew t's with something other than the cowl.  But I have actually been enjoying trying crochet in short spurts.  It looks awful, just awful.  My tension is way too tight most of the time - to the point where it's hard to get the hook in.  I think I dropped a few rows somewhere but managed to add them back in (I'm not sure how I did either).  And the thing is, I don't care.  It should look bad, it's my first try.  And unlike my trapezoid scarf that took forever when I was 11 and tried knitting, I'm not frustrated that it took so long to get to a crappy spot.  The acrylic wool I'm using is neon yellow and given to me, I wouldn't make anything good with it anyhow.  It will be an effective dish cloth even if it is a weird shape.  My MIL is a great knitter but I find this funny, she says she doesn't know how to crochet except for one afghan pattern.  Mr. Lina's aunt apparently taught her that pattern so she knows how to that and nothing else.  I'm thinking that I might ask to learn it when we visit at the end of June.  His aunt died from cancer a couple of years ago, it would be nice to keep the pattern as a living memory and I'll learn something beyond the two stitches I've taught myself. 

I find that while we're in Manitoba, my in laws are always concerned that we could be doing something.  I'm happy to just sit and read, play cards with Grandma, sit and talk, particularly at the lake where the view is lovely and peaceful.  Our Manitoba vacations are usually two weeks and a much needed break from "real life", I find doing very little very calming.  But they don't know how to sit still, so it's all about going fishing or getting out on the quad or taking the jet ski out...  If all goes well, I REALLY won't want to do some of those things (starting my 9th week, potential morning sickness, plus beef heart for bait on a boat, seems a recipe for disaster to me).  Maybe asking for knitting or crochet lessons would fill their need for me to do something and let me just rest. 

July 2011

Mr. Lina - sandbagging to reinforce the dike, it was easier to walk the sandbags on the lake side on the dingy.

Last year Manitoba had extensive flooding.  Lake Manitoba is very large and was the feeder for a lot of rivers and creeks, a lot of Saskatchewan snow drains to Lake Manitoba.  The top picture is what the view looked like from their house out to the lake last July.  Beyond the hay bales was a dike, about 10 feet deep or so, it's hard to tell because there was water in it.  This year the lake is high but close to normal levels, the dike has saved the "cabin" (as an Ontarian I'd say cottage) and isn't needed.  I don't know what we'll be doing while we're up there at all.  With the number of outhouses, docks, and dead animals, I saw floating by, I'm not really interested in swimming quite yet.  Lakes can heal themselves but it takes time.  In the bottom picture, you can see that little brown building in the top left corner, that's the outhouse for his uncle and it was surrounded by water.  I'm not sure if they can get a boat to the water, never mind get the dock in.  So, it may be about being social rather than truly active, it's hard to say.  As much as I like helping out shovelling gravel or sandbagging or whatever, I hope I have a good excuse to opt out of the more active activities.   

72 hours

I do look forward to the time post transfer.  With IVF cycles, my body goes through a lot.  My ovaries get full to the point where I can feel them when I walk in heels, it's WAY more appointments so more driving, more days late for work, all those freaking needles between 3 injectable medications and blood drawn at each monitoring appointment.  Extraction itself hurts and the drugs leave me with a swiss cheese memory, but it still know it sucks.  The three days of rest are just good for me at that point.  FET, it is a bit of a mental roller coaster but not as overwhelming.  The 72 hours is kind of boring.

I planned ahead.  I had multiple books to read (finally finished 11/22/63 by Stephen King, good drama not scary), being away for the weekend there were lots of blogs to catch up on, Mr. Lina put a few games on the PlayBook so I could switch depending on my level of concentration.  I did nap a lot, yesterday I napped twice (work is going to suck tomorrow).  Still, I spend a lot of time alone on the couch.  Mr. Lina is around, but he is working from home so he pops up between meetings to fetch me drinks, lunch, whatever else I need.  I don't think it needs to be quite this restrictive, I mean the clinic lets you walk up two flights of stairs for blood work then around the building to the parking lot, but whatever puts his mind at ease works for me.  Once I got a drink for myself and a piece of fruit while I was up to pee and got the stink eye about walking.  So I sit.

But my 72 hours are ending as I type.  Technically, I can go back to work, I can take a bath or go swimming.  I still cannot:

• lift heavy things
• no sex for a week (pout, sad how often sex is not allowed when the whole point is having a baby)
• no "jogging, aerobics, tennis, skiing, mountain climbing or any new physical activity" (you know mountain climbing has to be on the list because someone asked, I think it would be covered by no jogging myself)
• "anything that you will find blame in" which is why I will continue to be careful and respect any limitations that Mr. Lina suggests
• "anything that you will find blame in" for my mental well being is more about food than activity, no fake sugars, no sushi, limit caffeine, good fruits and vegetables, that kind of thing

I did get two hives yesterday.  This is good and bad.  I do not believe they were food related, I did not eat anything new or questionable, environmental allergies don't give me hives and outside of the hives, I feel fine.  No sinus issues, wheezing/asthma (always happens with my food allergies) or itchy ears/lips which often come with reactions to celery and carrots.  This single hive issue has happened with one past cycle.  Potentially good news that things are going on in my uterus, not so good that my immune system is doing weird things.  Last time this happened the clinic switched the form of progesterone I was taking (vaginal cream, let's say ick together), I don't think prometrium is the problem.  I see why they think it is most likely, it is a peanut oil based product and peanuts are a common allergy, but I'm not allergic to nuts or legumes.  I also feel it would be more than one or two hives that go away because I am continuing to ingest it.  When I first reacted to carrots, I unknowingly ate them every day as a healthy snack and had 3-5 hives every day, not enough to cause a panic but pretty annoying and I suspect if it was the prometrium, my body would behave like that. I am trying to see the positive that maybe one or two embryos are finding a home, Mr. Lina, well, he's worried.  I suspect I will not hear back from the clinic until later today, the nurses will likely want to run it by my doctor prior to calling me back.  There really isn't anything they can do at this point to change the outcome.  In my mind, the phone call is more of an "FYI this happened" than a "fix this now" because I know they can't.  I'll update when I hear from them.
Update: It is as expected, nothing else they can do but it has been added to my file.

I used a little time this morning to try crochet again.  A few years ago I bought The Happy Hooker.  Honestly, mostly because the title amused me, secondary because I have always figured I'd get the itch for knitting/crochet at some point and the projects looked cute.  I think because past attempts have not been because of a real itch to do it, I give it up when I got stuck at the second row.  Well today I found a video on youtube and made it to row three and it made sense.  I could see the stitches I was suppose to pick up which was generally my problem in the past.  Maybe something is clicking.

So what to do with my new found freedom this afternoon?  I think I will venture to my sewing room.  On Tuesday, I wore my pj bottoms with a tshirt all day.  I intended on changing to real clothing but that would involve going back upstairs and I was comfortable and not expecting company.  But I really should make the matching Sorbetto.  I'll need Mr. Lina to move a few things out of the way, I'm pretty sure there is a box of fabric out on my cutting table.  The sleepy pills will probably limit what I accomplish, but it's good to see something other than the couch.