Coping

Thank you so much for all the comments on my last post.  I read each one as they arrived, it was like being surrounded by much needed love. 

I am doing...  okay.  Coping is maybe the best word.

Monday was a bit of a blur.  My parents met us at the clinic, the plan being they would take Mr. Lina to pick up his car that was in for warranty body work while we were gone.  When I walked out of the clinic, my mom was walking towards me and all I could do was shake my head and I was enveloped in a tearful hug.  Dad took Mr. Lina to get his car, Mom drove me home.  My parents stayed until about 3 and by that point I was still stunned, too stunned to really feel anything. 

Since they left, time has passed oddly, sometimes dragging, sometimes I'm surprised to find myself hungry again.  We had a 5 hour black out (6pm-11pm) thanks to the storm that hit Toronto.  This is much better than other areas of the city, a friend was without power for 24 hours and his last Facebook status indicated his neighbours across the street were still without power hours after his came back.  I have spent time on the phone with my parents talking about everything but "the m word".  My walking friend came over for a chat this morning.  People have emailed me, I have replied when I can.

My workplace has been fantastic.  On Tuesday morning, I sent an email to my manager and our director.  I told them I wasn't sure what kind of time I was going to need, this is about mental health more than physical.  Given that nothing developed, this has not been physically difficult.  Not without pain, but I have known worse.  We are so short handed at work and trying to train new people...  I know they need me.  And yet, in reply I was told by my director that I came first.  My health was more important and I should take whatever time I need.  I know this, but it is something I needed to hear so I don't rush back early with a false sense of guilt.  I am going to take it one day at a time, not looking too far ahead.  And today, the two of them sent me flowers.  Flowers.


My crazy hops plant, post trimming.

I am struggling to sleep.  I don't feel particularly tired during the day, I feel unsettled.  Sometimes I can sit and read, other times I need to putter - dusting at random, a single load of laundry, packing up my leftover medication, hacking at the explosion of plants (notably the hops above) and weeds in front garden, crocheting.  I bought a gift for my niece, her birthday is coming and it will take time to be shipped so far.  I lack focus.  I thought a house plant needed watering, I took the bottle I keep near it into the kitchen.  I don't remember exactly when I did that or what distracted me, but I found the water bottle full in the sink this afternoon.  I have had moments of crying, but not as many as you might think.  It's still a little surreal, this doesn't feel... final.  But I know it is.

Clearly more emotion could be aimed at the weeds in my roses.

Mr. Lina can't talk about it yet.  We cuddle, he holds me when I cry and we talked nonsense at 1am when neither of us could sleep.  He sends me lots of DVR times when the kittens are being cute to make me smile.  But for him, life is carrying on - he's gone to work, he's at a concert tonight with a friend.  His crazy director left the company, so he actually had something to celebrate yesterday.  And going on with "normal" is okay too, for now.  We often feel the impact and grief at different times, I know his time will come and I will be in a better state to help him when he gets there.  But he's not ready to listen to me either, and that is unusual.  On the plus side, I don't really have much to say yet.

I have booked an appointment to see our therapist tomorrow night.  Mr. Lina has a production meeting that has been cancelled three times (including Monday) that he would like to continue on with.  And that's fine.  I'm not sure he's ready to hear me talk anyhow and the first visit will be a lot of catch up on what's happened.  The rest of our appointments will be together, but I need to see her to start opening up a little more than stating facts like it's someone else I'm talking about.  She will be key to us getting real closure on this chapter of our lives.

One thing I am feeling is anger at my body.  I can't look at myself naked right now, no lingering between the shower and getting dressed.  This is going to sound irrational but it's the way I feel, no one said it had to be logical.  I'm angry at my breasts for lying to me and I don't want to observe the changes as they go back to normal.  I don't even want to support them with a proper bra.  I don't want to see the bruises on my abdomen that are a reminder of what I was doing to make this work.  I'm not speaking to my uterus, it should not be empty.  Writing that, thinking about that, acknowledging that there is intent behind my behaviour, that makes me feel something and tear up.  (But no, I will not end up a never nude like Tobias, I will like my breasts again when they fit in my very pretty bra.)

I guess this seems like a bit of a list.  As I say, it's like talking about someone else with the exception of the last paragraph.  The hard emotional work will come.

Alas

It was not to be.

I had a fantastic vacation.  I slept.  I swam.  I fished.  I crocheted.  I slept.  I felt pretty good.

But I had my 6 week ultrasound today and my uterus is empty.  There is no fetal pole there, no heart beat beyond my own.  So they ran blood work and sure enough, my HCG levels are down.  They aren't even making me come in to check again so it must be really low, they usually want to track it to lower than 5.

I'm numb.  I'm sad.  But I'm... okay.

I have been here before, I know I'll get through it.  I also know this blog will be part of getting past it.  I'll write more when I'm ready.  Believe you me, I'll be writing.

Welcome to Week 5

I'm not quite sure I have the dates right because my period started on a Wednesday not a Friday, but my 6 week ultrasound should be next Friday so I think that makes today week 5. 

I am feeling much better, both mentally and physically.  I haven't had cramps since Sunday, just a few twinges.  I still have discharge but every day is less, I barely need a panty liner now.  And every day it's less dark red blood and more brown discharge.  What also helps my mental perspective is seeing other good signs.  My breasts are continuing to change for the "better".  Just to clarify since Kay asked me a question, it's my areola that is expanding.  When the nipple is relaxed it is much larger than my regular non-pregnant areola.  The past couple of days they have started getting a little more sensitive too, not horribly so but it's been a factor in waking me up when I roll over in the morning. 

My first miscarriage I didn't find out anything was wrong until the first ultrasound.  I didn't have any bleeding or cramping, although my nipples did start to deflate the day or two before.  When they did the ultrasound, they couldn't find anything.  They should see a fetal pole, see a heart beat.  It was scary and upsetting and I didn't understand.  I still don't entirely since it's all a bit of a blur now and that was only my second pregnancy, I wasn't quite in recurrent miscarriage territory yet and not as well educated as I am now.  This is why I'm happy to see things like my breasts change, twinges of discomfort that might be my uterus changing shape (or gas I suppose) but not "oh no, everything wants out" cramps, the feeling of being a furnace with some internal fire keeping me warm.  It is comforting to feel that something is happening.

Tonight we are leaving for Manitoba to see my in laws.  We'll be in Winnipeg tomorrow, then off to "the lake" if I understand the plan right (map from last year).  My in laws know the timing of the FET.  Mr. Lina passed the phone to me when I was still high on gravol from the first intralipids (it was not a good phone call, it kind of freaked my MIL out).  We haven't updated them since then.  We phoned the other night wanting to give them the heads up of how things were going but they had company.  It didn't feel like the right time.  So I guess we'll be letting them know at the airport.  Normally, they always want us to be out and doing stuff, I suspect this trip they are going to try and tuck me into bed before the sun sets (which admittedly is pretty late, twilight extends until about 10pm) and keep me away from the jet ski.  This is going to be awesome.  Exactly what I need (and generally want pregnant or not).  Well, maybe not the 10pm bed time.  I have to take prometrium every 8 hours, I have to time when I sleep around that.

At the lake, there is no cell service never mind internet.  It's placed just between two towers so you have to drive 10-15 min to pick up a signal.  I love it.  Grandma also do not have internet, so I will be essentially off the grid until July 8th.  I'll be returning to a crazy day of my ultrasound, meetings in the afternoon, and taking Mr. Lina to get his car which is being fixed while we're away.  So we'll see how soon I can find a moment to update you all.

It looks like there is going to be a Toronto meet up in August.  Funnygrrl from Falling Through Your Clothes is going to be in town, what a great reason to get together.  I'm free on the 10th, hopefully we can get a sizable group together again.

Have a great week!

Mixed Bag of Improvement

Between naps and dizziness and work, I haven't had a chance to really collect my thoughts and update what's going on.  I'm feeling a tad drunk at the moment so forgive me if my grammar is not entirely perfect.  Thank you sooooooo much for all the encouraging comments from my last post.  Some have been really well timed when I'm starting to let negative thoughts roll in, it's made a difference for my mental outlook.

So what is going on?

• I continue to have about 45 minutes to an hour of feeling drunk in the morning.  I'm not sure if it's the prometrium or the mix of prometrium and Fragmin.  This morning I took prometrium at 7am, went back to sleep until 8:15 and felt okay.  Fragmin injection at 8:45.  Right now I can't really feel my fingers and I'm not able to focus my eyes properly - like when you are drunk and moments away from passing out..  I think I've shown up for work on time once in the past 10 days. 
• I know I don't love all the aspects of my work, I am a bit bored/overwhelmed at times, but they have been incredibly flexible and supportive.  It makes all of this possible.
• My nipples are freaking huge - larger than my palm when relaxed, starting to have a ridge at the areola, this is a VERY good sign.  Very consistent with positive pregnancy tests.
• Cramping was less on Saturday than Thursday, less on Sunday than Saturday and only a few twinges (I wouldn't even call it full cramping) yesterday.
• I am still bleeding.  Mostly dark red blood but sometimes it switches to dark brown.  Dark brown discharge is good, that blood is not helping my embryos and needs to leave.
• The discharge isn't stressing me out like it was.  I seem to have just accepted it.
• I am not soaking through pads like my past miscarriages but it's constant.
• With all this discharge, I have no interest in sex.  Cuddling, sure, but anything more than that, not so much and I don't see it coming out in my behaviour either.  That's truly a first for me.
• Fragmin hasn't bruised in a couple of days which is freeing up some abdominal real estate for more injections.  You can't inject into a bruise so it gets tricky to stay within the ideal area for injection when it's covered with bruising.
• Bruising is also limiting the pants/underwear that I want to wear.  I cannot have any pressure lines along the bruising, it hurts and causes weird bruising shapes but cutting off the spread of the blood.  I also can't wear pretty lace panties or thongs because I can't wear my pads with those panties and I constantly need a pad.
• Intralipids IV is this afternoon so Mr. Lina and I are home for the afternoon.  This bleeding hasn't been enough to call the clinic (particularly with the cramping easing) but I'm looking forward to talking to the nurse about it today.
• Two new coworkers, that means more training and answering questions.  That's fun.
• And another coworker quit on Friday.  She specialises in another product on our team, but I wish I could pitch in and help when she's gone.  Sadly with 5 days being allocated to clients, I won't have the time until August.
• Oh and I got recognition at work for the good training I did for two people on other teams.  Not only from my manager, but his manager and the fellow responsible for North America.  It feels very, very good.  Particularly while I know I'm not their best employee lately.  I haven't read many blogs because when I am awake and feeling good, I really have to focus on getting things done.  I'll catch up soon.
• I am sooo not out of the woods, but every day of huge nipples feels like a gift.  I can't looking much past tomorrow.  Ordering more medication so we can go to Manitoba on Friday feels like I'm getting ahead of the game, but it will be easier to pick it up this afternoon while I'm in the neighbourhood for intralipids.

I think I'm going to nap now.

YOU ROCK!

Keep those good thoughts coming, folks.  It's working.

I doubled.  MORE than doubled.

I had the nurse (one of my favourites) repeat the number twice.  I repeated it 3 times, and I still can't be sure I'm remembering the thrid digit right.  I'm just in shock.

147

Even if I''ve got the 7 wrong, 140 is more than doubling.  MORE than doubling. (EDIT - the clinic called again to check in with me - I tell you they love me - and I was remembering correctly.)

The nurse said all the progesterone supplements can make me cramp, the blood, while red, has always been dark - not fresh pink blood.  I can kind of mentally dismiss the blood, but the cramping is a whole lot harder to deal with.

So, next steps?

• All medications continue
• When I get home I'll take a 4th Humira injection
• Tuesday I go for intralipids again
• Next hurdle is my 6 week ultrasound - July 8th.

Technically my 6th week is on the 5th, but we'll be in Manitoba.  They are fine with pushing that test back by 3 days.  Mind you, it's a lot of days between now and then, so I don't want to get too far ahead of myself.

I'm still stunned.

Need your good thoughts

I have cramps. This doesn't mean it's done but it sure sucks and it is hard to stay positive. So I need you all to stay positive for me. We will see what tomorrow brings.

Chair Dance!

My breasts continue to be good predictors.

I am pregnant.

Now don't go too crazy here.  This is undoubtedly good news, but we are just entering the murky woods of pregnancy for me. 

Pregnancy tests measure the levels of the hormone HCG in your blood.  A home pregnancy test is sensitive to 25.  I have had positive results ranging from 111 to 8.  Today, it's 68.  Not as high as last year, but according to this chart, puts me at a very low chance of chemical pregnancy (that would be failing the test on Friday), about a 5% chance of multiples, a little over 30% chance of miscarriage and roughly 58% of a live singleton.

I'm pretty pleased (in a tempered optimism way). 

Next steps?  Medications stay the same, we test again on Friday.  In early pregnancy, HCG levels should double every 48-72 hours.  If it's not growing in that range of normal, this is not likely to be a viable pregnancy.  That number means more to me than today's results.  I really want to see my HCG above 120.  If it is a good result on Friday, we'll do the intralipids and Humira again on Tuesday.

7 out of 8 IVF/FET cycles, that's an awesome batting average.  Now to focus on staying pregnant!