The Good Kind of Change

I've been living in some surreal world the past month.  After so much time of talking and planning and thinking and packing but accomplishing nothing... stuff happened.  Lots of stuff.  Life changing stuff.

And boy it sure feels good.

Every time I tell another friend or coworker about the house selling or the house we will be moving to, I feel a glow.  A smile I can't remove, a sparkle in my eyes and face that hasn't always been there.  A smile that isn't a fake it 'till you make it kind of smile that doesn't reach your eyes.

Building on the changes, yesterday I called Children's Aid in the region we're moving to.  A university friend of mine works there and she discreetly asked her adoption coworkers the best avenue for me to proceed and they recommended calling to let us know we were coming.  It's nothing too formal, but now we're on their radar.

It was a good conversation mostly about us - who we are, where we are at mentally, emotionally, how stable our life is  (well, the move is the definition of lack of stability but past that nothing is changing), what we're looking for, etc.  The application package is in the mail.  I felt like I had a good rapport with the social worker.  Typically the worker who takes your call is assigned your case, I am hoping that is the case because I think it's a good fit.  I am glad we took the PRIDE training already.  I had much better answers to his questions and perspective on the intention of the question than I would have without it.  From his perspective, we are seen as a more attractive potential parent because that step is already done.

It seems like a good time in my life for the song "Happy" to be played damn near everywhere.  I saw this video of it on the weekend and it is so powerful to me.  It's from Deaf Film Camp - Camp Mark Seven - and it's all in American Sign Language with subtitles.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Almost there

My goodness Mr. Lina and I have been working our asses off.

Tomorrow the photographer is coming to take pictures of our house which (if all goes as planned) will be listed for sale on Tuesday, Sept 2nd.  We've moved:

• two book shelves
• one wardrobe
• one expidit desk (the kind that attaches to the shelves)
• a crapton of boxes
• $11 worth of empty beer/liquor bottles
• multiple bags of garbage (which is challenging with a 2 bag limit)
• multiple boxes/bags of recycling (which is fortunately not limited)
• multiple bags of clothing and stuff to Goodwill

What furniture has been left has largely been moved around to make the house look bigger.  

It works, it does look bigger.  More like the mansion I thought I was moving into compared to our 1 bedroom apartment.  It's not quite done and I'm rather sure the agent and photographer are going to do more moving of stuff, but I am pleased with what we've done.  I really hope that after all this effort the house sells fairly quickly.  

I have been thinking at times about pitching things as a skill set.  One I sadly lack.  I'm still probably packing stuff that I should be pitching, but I'd like to think that at least I'm feeling more positive about it.  I think less and pitch faster and honestly feel better.  The overwhelmed feeling is gone because I can see what's already been done.  That's something for me to remember.

Possibly related to that is that I am still a bit forgetful but not teary and I've managed to keep my purse and phone with me all this week.  Shiny gold star.

I also had a conversation with my manager about my career and what my work arrangement will be like when we move further from the office.  Our house will now be a full 100 km from my employer and while my current client is closer, 78 km isn't exactly close.  As I have pointed out to my newest team mate, being an "on site" analyst means you actually go to the client office.  That means less flexibility for working from home.  And I'm bored.  I am dragging my feet on a lot of projects and I think it's because I'm just not interested in doing the same thing over and over.  So we're going to change that.  Not today, this is a domino that will impact others, but it's also good for my manager as he can offload more responsibilities on me.  Win-win.  I felt a bit scared asking for what I want, I've just bobbed along with my career so far, but it felt pretty good.  

Okay, time to get going on that last bit of decluttering.  Time to be sure every flat surface is empty... 

Blink!

When we drove through small towns, my mom would always say "Don't blink or you'll miss it".  I kind of feel like every time I blink, time is flying by.

Let's see...

• Had someone come and clean my house.  
• I can pack or clean, not both.  
• Best money I've spent in a long time, selling the house now seems feasible.
• I had no idea how many patterns I actually had.  
• The box I thought might be half full of patterns and have space for notions was overflowing.
• Real estate agent says houses in my area sell on average in 14 days, many sell in 4 days.
• We're going to buy the house we want, have a 75-90 day close, then list our house.
• We looked at 4 houses last week, they were all good but not quite right for us. 
• Side rant on floor plans.  How can a house can have 1,000 sq ft more than my house and I am not sure where I'd fit some of my furniture?  Why would two of three bedrooms need walk in closets?  And come to think of it, the second closet touches the third bedroom wall, they could have made smaller (yet still walk in - yes it's that big but perhaps too narrow for a 4th bedroom) closets for both rooms.
• Still haven't bought a car, but we've narrowed down what we're looking for.  We set aside Sunday to look at cars and then found out the dealerships that we wanted to go to were closed.  Oops.
• So we had my parents, brother, SIL and nephew over for dinner instead of looking at cars.  It all worked out well, nice impromptu dinner party.
• We've gone to two 40th birthday parties in two weeks.  Those milestone years are just one party after another, and you find out which friends are a year older than you.  :)
• I've also had strep throat.  I thought I had a cold courtesy of my two sick co-workers.  Clearly I'm not a doctor.
• Lots of time with Mr. Lina.  

August 21st will be our 10th anniversary.  Talk about blink and you'll miss it.  I feel like it was a couple of years ago that I was putting on my big white dress and dancing our first dance.  Maybe last year that we celebrated 5 years.  And yet, the days pre-Mr. Lina seem a bit faded and distant.  The past oh... month I guess, it's been a bit of a throw back to our dating days.  I suspect part of it is knowing that with moving to another community and kids to follow after that, our "family of two" time is coming to an end.  We've gone out dancing, we've been on real dates in new locations, we've been talking a lot.  I've found myself telling stories about when we were dating, some of the silly things we did in that rush of a new relationship.  Even at one of the 40th birthday parties, I was telling the birthday-wife our "how we met" story since she's only known us as a couple.  Even in Manitoba we were talking about how it will be different - from the practicalities of where do we sleep to how we'll visit with friends.  When we're in Brandon, we often go to a friends place or a pub and enjoy a tipsy walk home at 2am.

It is going to be different, not to say bad, just different.  We are appreciating the good parts of being a couple at the moment, the benefits of our current home, and it's like that new relationship excitement over the changes to come.

Adoption Training - Take 2

Last week I tired to blog about the PRIDE training class and well, it didn't work so well and I scrapped that post and wrote another.  That's not a bad thing, writing without posting still means I did some thinking and I liked the post I ended up with.  But let's try again...

We were given a binder for the course.  I kid you not, the paper in it is bigger than the width of my hand.  It's a whole lot of information being thrown at us.  Fortunately, we're not expected to sit there and read the whole thing, we aren't turning page by page during the course.  It's more for reference (and has "homework" sheets), but it really highlights how much territory there is to cover.  Some of it is technical or legislative in nature (did you know that what became the first Children's Aid Society was actually a branch from the Humane Society?  The Humane Society mandate was initially for children and animals), some of it is focused on the child's perspective of what they experience and how that changes their needs.  Guess which part is more interesting?

I read a few blogs about adoption - particularly Stellar Parenting and The Accidental Mommy.  They don't post all that often at the moment, they are busy moms and it's hard to write about this stuff.  Both do a great job of balancing their need for family privacy, but letting you know it's not all sunshine and rainbows.  I'm left with a positive perspective of adoption, they fight hard for their kids, there are rewards for that.  Through the PRIDE training, I found myself relating a lot of what they were saying to things those women experienced - be it the kids life prior to adoption or their behaviour or how the parents dealt with the behaviour.  Honestly, I found myself nodding a LOT in class because of their openness.

The session on attachment was naturally interesting.  Attachment is the trust that makes the parent-child bond strong.  Ideally, children know that their parents will provide for them - be it food, clothing, attention, love, they know it will be there.  As infants, they learn about the world through experience - I was hungry, I cried, someone fed me, isn't the universe great?  If there is inconsistency, the baby doesn't know that you're busy, or asleep (or drunk or high, or absent as the case may be), they just know that the world doesn't always provide, and they don't learn to trust that you're going to be there for them.  Makes sense when you think about it like that.

I initially thought of attachment as a binary system - you are or you aren't attached to an individual.  But it's actually a spectrum.  Sure there are strong attachments, but I think lots of us have insecure attachments for very normal reasons.  How can a mom of multiple kids be there every time a baby cries?  That doesn't make her a bad parent.  Some parents were advised to let their babies cry to make them independent.  That can also make the child less likely to ask for help and more likely to feel unsure that others are going to say yes.  I can see that in myself.  I LOVE helping others, but I have to feel really secure to ask people for help.

When I was a little girl, I capitol-L-loved Strawberry Shortcake.  For my birthday, maybe around Grade 3 or even 5 (I doubt Grade 4 because I had chicken pox), I was given Strawberry Shortcake talc that smelled (naturally) like strawberries.  I was thrilled and next time I went to the bathroom, I took it with me and dusted away.  My mom's best friend (I called her aunt kind of friend) asked me if I used the talc and said no.  I really don't know why.  It was an obvious lie, I would have reeked of strawberries and probably had white talc somewhere on my hands or clothing.  And doesn't it show appreciation for a gift to rush off and use it?  I remember this moment so well, where we were standing, how I felt...  My answer wasn't driven by logic, it was a fear she'd take it away from me.  Totally irrational, I have no idea why I felt so compelled to lie.  The risk of losing that talc was more than I could deal with.

When I look back on that now, what I find interesting is that lie came from such an emotional place for such a foolish thing.  The training course and (even more so) the home study are intended to make you look at yourself.  Learn what kind of attachment you have, what kind of parenting lessons you learned from your parents.  I wonder where that moment came from.  Why couldn't I trust that someone wouldn't take it away from me?  Why did I feel so strongly about protecting my beloved strawberry scented talc?  Is that how lying feels when you don't trust the universe to provide?  Is this at all related to how challenging I find it to ask for help?

Don't take this as an admission I have a poor attachment to my parents or they did anything wrong at all.  All I'm saying is all of our relationships are complicated.  Why would it be any simpler between parents and children?  I find the prospect of looking back with this lens interesting.

Out of the first half of the class, Mr. Lina in particular felt very positive.  A lot of the tricks to creating attachment with children are things he does instinctively with children who are hesitant.  Like letting kids set the rules to a game or imaginative play, or making them talk to you by explaining an activity.  As an example, Minecraft.  It's a computer game that seems to be taking off based on the references I see around me.  Mr. Lina plays it from time to time, but it scales down to children by changing the settings so there are more resources readily available and fewer ways to kill your character (at least as I understand it).  The game came up as an interest of a friends daughter and Mr. Lina had her explain it to him as if he didn't know much about it at all.  Which is true.  He knows how to play from a technical stand point, but an 8 year old girl has different objectives and strategy than a grown man so they don't play the same way.  You can see how an insecure child would get wrapped up talking about the game and forget she was feeling insecure.  Dialogue starts and it gets easier from there to build rapport.  Or how about Mr. Frog-a-Lina?  He wasn't setting the rules for play, he was following the cues from the kids and letting them drive where it went.

I've always had more confidence in his ability to parent than he has in himself.  But I'm his wife, like your Mom, I'm suppose to be supporting him.  To hear a social worker say X, Y, and Z are good things to do and realize that at some level, he does it, that has more impact.

And we're only half way.  We'll see what this weekend brings.

Writing Styles & Swirling Thoughts

One fabulous thing about blogs is that we each have our own voice, our own focus, our own style.  If you read back to early posts for a lot of bloggers, they don't sound quite the same.  I think it's because we ease into our writing style.

Sometimes, I write from the heart.  I am not saying it doesn't need editing or polishing, but it just... flows.  I miss that.  It was actually easier to write like that about infertility.  I don't feel that way very often.

Sometimes I have thoughts, but it's stuck between my head and my fingers.  When I write, excessive amounts of detail come through to the point it sounds like a play by play my life.  I don't think that's good reading.  Quite often I can trim these posts down to something manageable, removing sections, summarizing others.  

Sometimes I just start again.

Guess which day today is?

I have thoughts, big thoughts, swirling thoughts.  We started our 27 hours of parenting training required to adopt in Ontario.  Half of it was last weekend, we get this weekend off and then we wrap up June 7-8.  I can't seem to stop talking about what I've learned, what I see in other peoples relationships, what I see in myself.

But it's not coming out right.  And even when I trim my novel of a post down, the focus of the story isn't there.  Possibly because the class is only half way done.  

It's all straggly little trees of facts, without the forest of a story.

That's frustrating because this is exactly the kind of place I want to sort these swirling thoughts out.  I learn about my own thoughts while writing for my blog by looking at all those details and trees and try to find the theme, the basis of what I am thinking.  What the forest is.

So, part of this forest includes:

• We're on the right track.
• We have good instincts.
• All of my reading, thinking and observing has paid off.
• Dealing with the losses as they came was a good thing, I am ready for this.

Hopefully I can connect a few more dots and speak about my experiences without sounding like a lecture on attachment and parenting like I spewed all over my mom and my brother and his fiance and my coworker and....

Silly & Random

My thoughts are a bit muddled as I puzzle something out at work today.  I think it's time for a list while the other stuff filters through.  This is going to be a truly random list but it's a start...

• Tasha & Friends had it's premiere last weekend at Buffalo Dreams Film Festival
• I couldn't go, I had already committed to helping my mom at a craft show, pout.
• It won Best Short Comedy and Mr. Lina got to meet his idol in independent film, Lloyd Kaufman
• Toronto folks can see Tasha at Blood in the Snow, I'll be at the 2pm showing on December 1st at the Carleton Theatre, the Saturday show sold so fast they booked a second slot for the short films
• Which is a good thing since I'm going to see Great Big Sea on the Saturday night
• Last weekend we went to see The Drive By Truckers at the Phoenix in Toronto
• The day of the show I woke up WAY too early, didn't nap and by 1am my feet were killing me from standing through the show
• You'd think I'd learn that the Phoenix requires comfy shoes even if I look silly
• On the drive home, I fell asleep
• Not remarkable in and of itself, but I started singing to Mr. Lina
• At least, that's what he told me, I don't remember, I was asleep
• I altered the words from "You are my Sunshine" to "You are My Snuggle-Mr. Lina"
• Which does flow better with his first name
• Good to know I'm cute even when I'm sleeping
• Thus bringing the silly part of the blog title
• I have had a bit of a rough week - migraine, a sad day (but just one day) and perhaps a little too much time to myself
• Work has been busy and occasionally contributed to the overwhelmed feeling (notably on my sad day), highlighted by leaving work at 8pm on Friday night
• I needed people to leave so I could get my own work done and Mr. Lina was already in Buffalo so no rush to get home really
• I am gradually working on the house, but it's a pretty slow pace
• I don't have the love of organisation that others do, packing and tossing stuff doesn't come easy for me
• I did tons of laundry this weekend and a lot of clean clothes are not going back in the drawers 
• I don't want to pack anything that doesn't fit and has no sentimental reason to keep
• I had the weekend to myself, looked forward to sewing, but a migraine put the kibosh on that, I stuck to doing laundry.
• Migraines suck, but it's been a long time since my last one so I'm really thankful for that
• Monday I was still kind of struggling with noises, particularly loud voices
• Sounds odd to cover noise with noise, but soft jazz in my headphones was soothing compared to talking, it's reminded me how much I like jazz from the 50's-60's.
• Yesterday was Remembrance Day
• I heard a poem by Dorothy Jamieson on the radio and after the poem, she said a few words to the audience that stuck with me:  Freedom isn't Free
• True in more ways than her military reference
• Next Thursday we're hosting Bill Bourne, winner of both Blues and Folk Juno awards
• That's going to be super cool.
• I get to make dinner for him.  How cool is that?
• I've already got 21 people confirmed for the show, that leaves about 10 seats and some time to go before the show (let me know if you'd like one of those 10 seats)
• The founder of the organisation for our house concerts, Mitch Podolack, was recognised for his contributions to folk music in Canada at the Canadian Folk Music Awards in Calgary, the CBC has this article on him
• We spent a lot of time with Mitch this year at the Folk Music Ontario conference, I am truly lucky to have had the chance to get to know him.
• To end this on a sewing note, I have a strange itch to make pants. 
• I even bought both Sewaholic pants patterns when she had her Thanksgiving sale
• But it's kind of scary.

Here's a little music so it's not without something pretty.  I like the words to this song.  As much as I'm dragging my heels, I am looking forward to building a brand new house full of love.  :)

Time Flies

I know this sounds like a broken record, but I'm not sure where the days  are going.  I haven't been in a great mental state to blog but I didn't realize it was over two weeks.  How strange.

So what's happened in two weeks?

• We went camping with a mix of friends, my brother and his girlfriend, my cousing and his wife.  Weather was good, I slept enough, Scot and his girlfriend were super cool and did not talk about the pregancy but I did give him a real hug and true congratulations.
• I went to a wedding in another city on the Saturday of Labour Day weekend, stayed the night, saw friends, it was good
• It was my birthday on the Monday of Labour Day weekend
• My SIL has decided that she needs some help being in the first trimester and chasing a 13 month old while my brother is on course work and can't help her
• So she (and my niece) came home and we surprised my parents with their arrival at my birthday dinner
• My niece is adorable
• I was kind of glad when they all went home
• Do you know how much cleaning we had to do to have a toddler in the house when the living room looked like the basement threw up crap and furniture all over it?  I'm not kidding, I had a path to the couch when my brother and SIL brought up the idea of her visiting.
• I wore my white lawn bowling skirt, but I don't have good a picture of me in it, my niece was naturally the cetre of attention.
• I had some post-birthday blues afterwards, I would have been okay skipping my birthday this year for some reason.
• We found out our mortgage was up for renewal this year, not next year so we had to rather quickly sort that out.
• We provided a weekend of respite, my friend from Summerfolk who has Down's Syndrome stayed with us to give his mom a break, she needed it.
• That went really well. 
• I started sewing for Mr. Lina.  Not for HIM, but movie stuff.  He needs a yamika/kippah, appliques of naughty reindeer added to a sweater and a crazy costume for one actress before the last weekend of September.
• I have never even met the actress, I think I'll be "fitting" with elastic.
• Yamika #1 from this kippah pattern came out a little wonky, poor fabric choice on my part and a little small given that the head it's going on has a full mask, it's bigger than a normal head.  It's a good pattern though, I'm sticking with it for my next attempt.  I think with 6 panels it ends up with a better curve than just 4 panels like most kippah patterns I found online.
• I went to a TIFF after party which was super cool.  One of my clients was sponsoring a film (The Grand Seduction) and while they didn't have tickets to the movie, they did give me tickets to the party.  So strange going to a party at 9pm on a Sunday.  But we got prettied up and went.

• And coming up... one last kick at the camping can this weekend, bowling starts tonight, Mr. Lina is getting us storage space to start really moving boxes out of the house, house concert season is starting up (100 Mile House from Alberta on Monday Sept 23, those local, let me know if you're interested in coming), and I need a nap.

 

Where does the summer go?

When I was a kid, summer seemed to last forever.  There were the weeks of swimming lessons, a week of family adventures for my dad's holidays, hours and hours on my bike.  But I just went to Summerfolk, the CNE has started and that means that my birthday and Labour Day weekend is not far away.  How crazy is that.  I feel like three blinks ago it was June with the summer ahead of us.

I have multiple blog posts in my head - a little update on the Toronto meet up, the 2 Sorbettos and the A line skirt I've made, a Summerfolk review, our house concert schedule is set...  but I need to get pictures off of Mr. Lina's camera (he was kind enough to take a few pictures for me) and much as I love writing, I seem to like sewing more than writing, Sorbetto variation #5 just needs a hem.  That's a good thing.  :)

So while I get pictures organized... I got a little recognition for my mentoring at work.  A project we worked on to build up my coworkers skills was recognised by her client with a reward that has never gone to a research partner.  Shiny gold star for her and I am so very proud of her.  On the plus side, people are recognising me as her trainer and I really appreciate that.  I got a certificate to put up at my desk and I get to pick a prize from over 200 options.  That sounds like a lot until you start ruling things out,  I don't want a watch/jewellery, I don't have kids, don't golf, I don't need many kitchen appliances.  There are quite a few cool, nice to have things, but nothing that is the clear winner.  I have narrowed it to a few things.

1. Hammock for two with stand - the stand means I don't need trees to use it, but if I'm moving and it's the end of the summer, this is just another thing to pack.
2. Lagostina 7L pressure cooker that I really don't have space for in my kitchen and I've never cooked with a pressure cooker, but it seems kind of cool.
3. Coleman All in One Cooking system - we have a traditional 2 burner Coleman stove, this has multiple cooking surfaces so you can fry and grill as well as use the traditional burner.  But I worry it's a bit small, like you can't be boiling water while cooking eggs which I can do with a two burner stove.  So cool, but not fantastic.
4. DeLonghi Professional Ironing System - this is where I'd appreciate your feedback.  I have a basic iron that I am generally happy with, it does what I need it to do and throws enough steam to hurt my fingers when I'm not careful.  Still... this looks like a neat iron and given the general price point, it should be better than my little iron.  I generally work on the principle of making do with what I have and that makes it hard to pick an iron that doesn't need replacing. 

Decision making isn't always my strong point.  I got this award in June and I got an email reminding me I hadn't picked something.  Two months hasn't helped although I guess I can rule out picking the baby oriented stuff.  The crib and baby monitors were looking tempting in June.  This isn't sad, it's just replaced by the thought that some of the older kid stuff (bikes are one of my options) will be a good choice at some point.

And can I reiterate I hate being told people are pregnant in person?  I feel stunned every time.  It is like I'm a wooden replica of myself that doesn't know what to say.  I say congratulations, but I'm not sure it actually sounds convincing and I don't have any follow up questions.  I immediately start thinking of myself and how this times with either my last loss or how many weeks farther they are than I've made it.  I need time to see this through their eyes.  It just sucks and I hate that I'm probably making them feel awful by not looking happy.

You can imagine that rant didn't come out of the blue.  My youngest brothers wife is pregnant again and they told us last night over Skype.  I will be happy for them, I do love my niece, but I'm not sure I am today.  She is at 7 weeks and my first thought was that I didn't make it that far.  I don't think I realised how much that was bugging me until I started to post.  I really didn't mean to go there, but now I'm leaky for the 3rd time today.  Not the most work appropriate behaviour.

So let's leave this with Vance Gilbert.  I didn't get to see nearly enough of him this weekend at Summerfolk.  This song, Goodbye Pluto, it is about Pluto losing their planetary status, but it's a song that makes Mr. Lina and I a little leaky.  It's a song worth a second listen for the words.

The Parking Lot

The other day I was meeting with someone at work and she talked about "The Parking Lot".  She was giving advice to my new coworker that he didn't need to know everything right off the bat.  It was always okay to say "I don't know, let's put that in The Parking Lot and I'll find out for you".  It's good advice, he's not going to catch up to my 7 years of doing this in 3 weeks.

For me, this blog has become a parking lot.  Sometimes when I'm at work, ideas swirl around and they need to go somewhere so I can focus.  A quick post here serves that purpose (and lets me delay doing work I'm not all that interested in).  It's not so much , but it does become a storage place for ideas I need to set aside.

I haven't been posting much lately for a few reasons.

• I'm mentoring "the new guy".  Either I'm looking at his screen or he's looking at mine.
• That takes up a lot of time and I still have my own work to do, no time to procrastinate.
• I'm interested in what I'm doing at work again so my attention span is better. 
• I don't have negative thought swirling around that need temporary storage.
• I spend all day in front of a computer, so when I'm home, I don't spend much time online.  If I don't find time to post at work, I'm not likely to post at home.
• I don't have a lot to think about, I'm at an action stage more than a thinking stage.

This weekend was great.  We are getting the basement and hallways/stairs to the second floor painted on Wed/Thurs which means we have to declutter to let the painters get at the walls.  The basement is where we hang out, it's full of media and stuff.  We filled 14 52L totes with books, DVD's and CDs and 5 paper boxes of books.  And that's still not everything.  What can I say?  Mr. Lina likes his movies and we support a lot of musicians by purchasing CDs.

In May we (that's the royal we, meaning mostly Mr. Lina) sanded the deck and stained it, the focus being on the horizontal boards of the deck so we could set out our new patio furniture.  Sunday we finally had the weather and time to finish the railings.  We weren't sanding those down, just painting over them.  It was hot and sweaty work but it looks nice now that it is done.  Another box ticked off on the to-do list.

Mr. Lina started a batch of beer with a friend on Monday (a stat holiday in Ontario).  They are splitting the batch of a Belgian Tripel they are trying to clone (smile, nod, no it doesn't mean much to me either but if you want to know more, check this out).  So I had to clean the kitchen so they could make a mess of it with the beer making (which they did generally clean up).

And I sewed.  Yes indeed, I've made another Sorbetto.  This is now the 4th time I've made this pattern but I need that kind of low thinking/pre-traced sewing to get me back into the swing of things and this does fill a wardrobe gap.  There was still some thinking involved since the first two don't really fit well at the bust (not sure if they ever did or if it's a change in bras), even after #3 it still needed some tweaking.  I asked Mr. Lina to take pictures of me on Friday when I wore #3 to work, but it didn't quite happen.  #4 needs to be hemmed and we'll see how #3 did in the wash last night.  It's 100% cotton and came out wrinkly (as expected from cotton), hopefully it did all of it's shrinking in the pre-wash.

So moving two 64L bins of fabric our of my sewing room seems to have had a positive impact - productivity.  Saturday I'll be joining the Toronto Meet Up (details here - and I have a choice of new shirts to wear!), which means shopping, the opposite of decluttering.  I might have to keep an eye out for some white fabric.  We're doing a team fun day of lawn bowling on Monday afternoon, wearing white is required.  I suspect my pale beige pencil skirt that probably doesn't fit me at my present weight is a good choice for lawn bowling.  A white A line skirt might be in order and I'm sure the only white in my stash is broadcloth.

Check In

I have started posting a couple of times and I'm still struggling to find the right words.  I have so many trees that I'm struggling to see the forest.  Just so this isn't totally pictureless, I'm going to add a few vacation pictures from our time in Manitoba.  I came back to "bad things" and didn't really get to talk about our vacation.  It was very restful but I look tired in every picture.

In general, I'm doing quite well.  I've been able to focus at work most of the time.  I'm not a teary mess prone to negative thoughts, nor a complete space cadet (although I did leave my purse at home on Thursday).  I can see a little anger poking through now and again through sarcasm or self depreciating humour, but it's little peeks, not full blown craziness. 

Does this look like someone who slept 10 hours?

Physically, things are also good.  I pretty much fit back into my old bras.  The bruises on my abdomen are pale brown, if they were elsewhere you might think I missed a spot with sunscreen and have a strange tan line.  I somehow lost a little weight.  That has helped with my body acceptance.  I don't feel fat on top of not speaking to my uterus and I fit into another pair of pants.  I'm about 10lbs down from my high weight and looking at my book of measurements, my waist is the same size as it was in 2007 (granted it was an inch smaller in 2010, I still have a little ways to go).  I don't really have the resources to focus on weight loss, I'd just like to continue making wiser choices and keep an eye on my portion sizes.  I'm not in a rush and this seems to be working.

I am struggling to do some things I would have avoided while pregnant.  I guess to do some of these things I really have to be okay that it's done.  Really done-done.  This is where I see a little disconnect.  I'm not sad, I can talk about what happened and adoption, and yet I can't seem to accept a diet Coke or a glass of wine.  I am easing into these things and trying not to make a big deal of it either way (neither beating myself up for not being ready nor forcing myself to do it).  I'll get there.  I've had a few sips of Mr. Lina's beer and is it really such a bad thing to not have artificial sweetners?  Weight loss sure is easier if I'm not drinking a bottle of wine.

Mr. Lina is doing a little better too.  Not that we've talked much about the loss specifically, but we both seem to feel like we've said as much as we can on the previous losses and we are able to talk about what's next.  He is starting to say things that he will miss because we won't experience a new born baby.  It's a start.  When I went to see our therapist I went on my own.  I was worried at first she would think things weren't good with us, she's often commented on the strength of our relationship.  But she agreed with me, if he wasn't ready to talk to her, that's okay and it was okay for me to come on my own.  I'm pretty sure he's coming with me on Thursday for the second appointment.

Moving onto adoption is a big domino to over turn.  We had already said we would need to move, so naturally that's next on the to-do list.  (Side note, it's not Children's Aid Society/Family & Child Services (CAS/FACS depending on the region) that would require us to move, but this isn't our "with-kids-forever-house" and it's not fair to adopt siblings and realize 3 days in that there isn't enough space and putting them through more upheaval.  I'm not giving up my sewing room.)  I'm not sure how ready I am for that.  It's making me more likely to pitch things while cleaning up, but it's moving that makes me feel overwhelmed when I really think about it.  I'm not sure where we should go to, which employers we should focus on when picking a location, it's a lot to juggle and I don't like ruling out options.  Not to mention 9 years of crap in the house that needs to be dealt with.  I've packed up two clear 62L bins of fabric.  It sounds like a lot but it still leaves lots of fabric to work with should the muse strike.  I could probably fill two more and still have fabric out for a dozen projects.  Cleaning up my sewing room like this also made me realize just how many UFO's I have.  UFOs are something to contemplate another day.

In the meantime, I've ended up crocheting a lot.  Granted it's all the same blanket pattern that I made for my niece, but I find it soothing and it makes television time with Mr. Lina feel less... wasteful.  One project is in a white yarn that I'm not overly happy with.  It felt softer on the ball than in the project and it's made up BIG.  This is not going to be a baby sized blanket.  I need to buy another crappy ball of yarn because it's not long enough for the width and it's not so crappy that it isn't worth finishing.  So it's on hold for the moment.  While in Manitoba, I started a yellow blanket I'm happier with.  It's soft and the shells are smaller and popping to opposite sides nicely.  As much as I bought 3 balls of wool, I think I'll need a 4th, it's not getting a lot of height in the shells.  I put 27 shells across instead of 29 that the pattern calls for, but it is still going to need more rows to look balanced to the width.

And just a reminder that there will be a Toronto meet up on August 10th at 10am.  I am really looking forward to it.  FunnyGrrl is coming to town and the details are on her blog, Falling Through Your Clothes.  It looks like we're up to 9-10 people so far.

Victoria Day List

Provera is making my head rather fuzzy, paragraphs are challenging so let's go for a list...

• It's actually Friday, not Tuesday!
• 4 of 7 pills have been taken of Provera
• No hot flashes, no tears, no apathy
• Horrible brain fog.
• Grocery shopping with brain fog is not very efficient or effective.
• I wanted to buy non-paper tape for wrapping up my toe (it still aches with some motions) and Mr. Lina's hand.
• I am sure I looked at cloth tape
• I am sure I priced out that the roll was cheaper than the tape dispenser.
• I bought paper tape.
• It's a long weekend - Victoria Day.
• We have an unofficial early close, if nothing is due, you can leave early.
• Like I should be trusted to get anything done without errors when I can't buy cloth bandages.
• I am 7lbs down from my high weight and feeling rather happy about that.
• The strategy to make better choices is working and one good choice reinforces wanting to make the next good choice.
• My pants fit better, I don't feel bloated, it's good.tr
• I think I felt a small earthquake this morning.
• The Pattern Pyramid has arrived, post and contest to come soon.
• It's almost time to go!
• Yay!

Weekend Reboot

• I woke up and hit snooze
• I don't have to wash my hair this morning, I can sleep a little longer.
• I hit snooze again because it's Friday, meh.
• My drive is predictable on Friday, snooze a 4th time won't hurt.
• I finally got up and turn the radio off. 
• It's Friday, no need to reset it for tomorrow.
• I brushed my teeth and thought about the upcoming long weekend.
• I'm not ready for camping, so it must be next week.
• 'Cause, you know, it's Friday.
• I got into the shower and start to wake up.
• And realised it's Tuesday.
• Tuesday.
• 3 days to get through before it's Friday.
• That's a whole lot of time.
• It's like my brain wants a reboot, restarting from May 10th.
• Sigh.

I mentioned we did a lot of visiting over the weekend.  On my quest to make better decisions for my health, I think I get a shiny gold star.  Twice chips (a serious weakness for me) were around and I ate a grand total of one handful of chips.  It did help that at the second party they didn't refill when the first chips were gone.  I had lots of fruit, vegetables, small piece of birthday cake, was the DD for both events so no additional alcohol calories.  Actually, I did such a good job of having normal portions, my stomach was grumbling at 1am both Friday and Saturday night.  We stopped for late night food both nights but I aimed for smaller portions, cheese quesadilla (LOTS of salsa and cilantro) that I shared with Mr. Lina and a small chicken wrap at Wendy's.  I managed to weigh a little less this morning (I didn't weight myself Monday, I needed a full bladder at 8am for the ultrasound, I start drinking the second I wake up) than Friday, so again, a weekend win.  Tonight I'm going for a walk with a friend I carpool with to bowling.  We both want to get moving and it's more fun to do it together when schedules allow.

I've just confirmed we'll be hosting with Home Routes again in the fall/winter.  I don't know all of the artists that we'll be hosting, but I'm super happy to have Bill Bourne coming to my house in November.  He's from Alberta, has a very wide range of styles (so hearing one song is not really representative of everything), and a great stage presence.  I get the impression he's kind of quiet, we'll see if that's true.

Weekend Review - Creativ Festival

Kay at Gently Down the Seam (side note, I think this is my favourite sewing pun for a blog) sent out a little note to people who participated in the Toronto meet up that she was going to both days of the Creativ Festival, was anyone else going?  I didn't even know about it but it seemed my Saturday was free and I welcomed the opportunity to strengthen some online ties in person. Kay, Adrienne, and Debbie have already posted about it.

Picture from Debbie, myself, Kay, Debbie and Adrienne.

I have to say that without Kay pointing it out, I wouldn't have thought twice about it.  So often the focus is on crafts I find interesting but not me.  Like quilting, scrap booking or beading.  I was pleasantly surprised by the titles of the workshops, there did seem to be garment sewing content.

The  web site was a little challenging to find what I wanted.  At one point I thought I was on their web site but it was really the blog.  I read something about advanced group tickets and the cut off for that was Monday and this was Thursday, I assumed that was the same for advanced tickets.  I was busy at work and not looking too carefully, I thought I would just buy my ticket at the door.

One session I was really keen on was at 9:30 - Make Bra.  Sounds right up my alley.  Imagine the frustration when Debbie and I got there at 9:15 (she with e-ticket in hand) that the door sales didn't start until 9:30 and I couldn't get in until 10.  Their reasoning was that it was incentive to buy in advance.  I get that, there was a draw for $900 to spend at the festival open to Debbie and not me, that's a good incentive.  Letting people in to shop the booths early, also incentive.  But starting seminars before it opens for everyone?  It felt like punishment to me, not incentive to them.

Debbie is interested in tatting and I've always been a little curious about how it's done so we went to a free intro-to-tatting lesson.  Half an hour is not enough time to learn much of anything but I got the concept of what was involved so I'll appreciate the work that went into tatting I see in the future.

The main stage had two sessions that were a blur of clothing and sales pitches (and lunch for us).  Some of it was kind of interesting, but I found them a bit of a whirlwind.  The focus seemed to be:

1. It's okay to eat cookies, just sew with elastic (that session was titled .Comfortable Clothes that Camouflage, but I could have used more camouflage and less "insert elastic here!")
2. Sewing is easy, cut a circle in a square and you have a skirt.
3. When in doubt, add embellishment (jewels, metallic, etc) but not the sleeves, you don't want to overdo it.

Now as my weight has changed, I appreciate knits and elastics, but some of it seemed beyond slapdash and into magic wand territory.  I am not a couture sewer at all, I'm just not in that stage of my sewing career.  Let's focus on me getting one thing done rather than soaking 30 hours of sewing into a winter coat.  But even I found this a little much.  You would think that if you went to the festival and you chose to join that session,  you have some knowledge of sewing already.  So why focus so much on making sewing look like magic because it's so easy?  And from a fashion perspective, well, it wasn't overly inspiring either.  I'm not interested in bejewelling my clothing and when I did see something I liked (lightly padding a lapel on a jacket that was puckering at the seams) it was so fast I didn't really have a chance to absorb what she did to make it work. 

Interesting though, I have found myself thinking about these two sessions a lot and what it means in the wider sewing world, so maybe my review is sounding harsher than it should.  This was like the opposite of Myrna Giesbrecht who will muslin many time to get what she wants and savours the process of getting there.  Or K-Line with her many muslined Spring Suit project.  But, there were times when I thought Myrna would like some of the embellishments (maybe not the Cirque du Soleil foiling).  I seem to remember a comment about using threads to add detail, something I know she would like.

As others have noted, the fitting session with Lorraine Henry was really awesome.  Half an hour was not nearly enough time.  I had traced out the Alma blouse prior to the show and done a FBA but still feeling a little insecure with it.  After sewing a few tents and potato sacks lately, I'm feeling hesitant.  It was great to see her discussing a FBA specifically, it really made me feel more confident that I'd put the extra space in the right spot. 

And while the session on sewing machine & serger maintenance with Joanne Brousseau sounds pretty dry, I spent a good 45 minutes cleaning my machine on Sunday.  Clearly it was inspiring.  Looking at the machine closely, I noticed the arm is a little pink.  I think the red ponte for Tiramisu has rubbed off.  I'll have to be careful when I wash it, maybe put one of the dye catchers in the wash.

If I had gone on my own, I'm not sure I would have enjoyed it.  I would have sat through a few sessions (probably skipped the machine maintenance), felt overwhelmed by the people and the frequent sales pitches (I was starting to expect the as seen on TV kind of lines of "but wait, there's more!" or "with three easy payments of...") and left.  But with the ladies, I was open to any of the sessions, it was lovely to talk (and laugh) and break up the knowledge soaking that went on.  My brain felt full when I got home.

Both pre-washed, striped shirting on the right has been cut.

Sunday I ended up with a bit of a hang over (oops) and Mr. Lina had people over to record voice work so I had to be quiet, the microphone will pick up the sewing machine and foot steps two floors up.  But I felt the itch and interest returning through my headache.  As well as the machine cleaning session, I pre-washed fabric above, ironed 3m of one of the shirtings, cut out the Alma and started sewing the darts/stay stitching.  This morning I popped into my sewing room to get something and noticed one point from the V cut in (I'm doing View A) was curling a little and I started ironing and adding a little strip of interfacing to the seam allowance.  I never sew in the morning.  Never.

I take this as a very good sign.

Ramble On

* Edited to add a picture of my poor toe.
I started a sewing post yesterday (yes, I have been productive in my vaguely "tidy" sewing room) but it is going to have to wait (it would be better with pictures anyhow).  My thoughts are rather jumbled so let's do a list, shall we?

• I hurt (broke/cracked/jammed?) my right middle toe last night.  We were taking out the garbage I was looking up at the house rather than where my feet were going and I stepped on the curb of the driveway at a bad angle.  This pulled my foot in one way and my crappy ballet flat in the other and pinched my toes.  I really can't explain how it happened, all I know is my shoe was not on my foot by the time I looked down and some not nice words were coming out of my mouth.
• On the plus side, I didn't hurt my ankle.
• You don't realize how important toes are until they hurt.

Poor toe.  It wasn't this bruised when I left for work.

• Weird things are going on with my hormones
• My breasts are sore.
• I think they are also getting bigger, looking at where the under wire lines are on my body at the end of the day, they aren't far enough back.
• I started crying on the drive home last night.
• I cried on my drive to work.
• Granted, both happened while I was listening to the news about the bombing in Boston so it's not without reason, but I'm not sure that's the only reason.
• I am not unhappy.
• But... what if this is where it starts?  I don't want to ignore signs like what feel like disproportionate tears.
• Remember how my manager quit?  I told my new manager about my fertility issues yesterday.
• Rather than replacing my former manager directly with someone senior, they are using that salary to hire two junior positions. It's a good call in my book, we need more people to do the work that is being sold.
• Someone else on our team quit, her last day is Tuesday.
• This requires shuffling people to meet her client facing responsibilities.  Her client days (and mine) are paid for by that client, we can't have a gap.
• I was offered being on site one day a week with a client as part of the shuffling.  I turned it down.
• It's probably the first time I've made a decision on what I (didn't) want to do at work.
• Why not?  We're hiring three new people in the next few months (I gather two are pretty much decided on) and they will need support.  If training others is what I enjoy doing, I'd rather have the time to do it. 
• Besides, I kind of admitted to myself (and my new manager), I'm a bit bored with my client facing role.  Two days a week is enough.
• In order to build up the skills of our two most junior on sites, they will now be sending their work through me before sending it to the client.  I like this, a chance to work with them to build their skill set and bring another perspective to a project. 
• Honestly, both of them come to me with questions anyhow, it's just being formalized that I'll see the finished work too.  They won't feel like they are pestering me and I will get recognition for helping them.  Win-win.

So lots of stuff going on right now.  Honest, sewing post is coming soon.  It involves draping purple broad cloth of all things.

Germany Recap



How freaking cute is that?

Germany was wonderful.  Landshut (which is pronounced more like Lon-suit) is adorable.  I have no other word that fits.  If Landshut was fabric, it would be pale pink with purple polka dots in linen - durable fabric that would age well as it softens from washing and wear.  In medieval times, Landshut and Munich (side vent, why do we translate places?  Is Munchin too hard to say?) vied for power and size.  Landshut was home to the Wittelsbach dynasty, ruler for Lower Bavaria.  With skills to make armour, materials to make brick, this area was prosperous for 300 years.  In 1475, the last of the Landshut ruling family had a wedding between their son and the daughter of the king of Poland.  This couple had 5 children, two who were boys, but the boys did not live.  When the husband died in 1503 power transferred to Munich which is why Munich is a much larger city now.  The end result is this city of about 60,000 that is like linen.  You can see it was stunning, it IS still stunning but has worn into it's history.  Every 4 years, that wedding becomes a 4 week celebration where they reenact the wedding with locals playing the bride and groom and gentry that attended.  The downtown is largely kept as it was (and perfectly maintained as the wedding approaches) so that tradition can continue without McDonald's logos cluttering up your pictures.

Construction is to prep for "the wedding" this June and Trausnitz Castle above the city

Town hall, home base for the film festival.

I like Toronto.  I've never lived IN Toronto, but I love visiting and I like living near by.  I like the energy, I like the neighbourhoods.  We don't go in as often as we used to but there is always something going on I'd like to see.  Going to Germany reminded me how young North America is and in particular how young Toronto is.  Even being so young, we don't take care of our history.  It's hard to find a large stretch of Toronto streets where it looks like it did even 100 years ago never mind 500.  It's hard for me to wrap my head around and left me thoughtful about home while I was there.

I was fairly sure Mr. Lina's movie about zombies was going to be well received when we came across this near the Landshut train station.

 

 

And the screening did go very well.  Applause was at the start of the credits (something that didn't happen a lot at this festival, people usually waited until the end of the credits or for some of the Shock Block didn't clap at all) and there were quite a few questions during the Q&A after the film aired.  The "black comedies" were the last block of films to air for the whole festival, 10:30 on the Saturday night.  A wrap party for the festival started at 11pm but it was well past 1am by the time we got there.  Our glasses had not even cleared from the change in temperature and people were approaching Mr. Lina to talk about his film.  We had met some film makers from Germany and France earlier during a tour of Landshut (organized by the film fest) and they saved some seats for us.  It took a while to get to their table because we were stopped so many times.  Even at 3am, there were still people approaching Mr. Lina.  And on the plus side, it seems some of these conversations are continuing now that we've been back.  He's Facebook friends with one of the judges from the festival and emailing some of the film makers.  So from a networking perspective, it was worth the trip to Germany.

 

I'd show pictures of what I wore but almost all the pictures of me look like this:

Munich - Isar River

I would push my hood back for pictures but it was quite blustery and cold.  I'd need to make a winter coat to have any self made clothing to show.  On the plus side, outside of one day with light rain, it was cold but fairly sunny.  Nice enough to enjoy walking, cold enough to want to stop for a strudel and mulled wine.  This day it was snowing off and on, pretty big flakes that would swirl around.  Oh so pretty. 

I think the vacations were very good for me.  Mexico for vegging out and Germany was a thinking and doing vacation.  I've mentioned that work has been crazy lately and with my manager leaving it's not letting up.  We're a specialized group, it takes time to find the right people and even when they are hired, it takes time for them to learn to the depth that is needed to really be a full team member.  This can lead to me feeling completely overwhelmed and shutting down essentially, sort of what I did prior to Mexico.  But this time, I'm happy.  I get to 5pm and wonder where the day went.  Like I was having a good time and I'll just finish one more thing... and it's suddenly 6:15.  Oops.  I haven't felt good like that, finding flow, in a while. 

I have not been sewing, my sewing room is a mess.  I literally went to get something this morning and I couldn't walk in the room because some pile of stuff fell over into my "path".  Tidying is not my forte.  While I've felt... let's say not-myself, I can't be bothered to either decide to pitch something or find a proper home for it.  I found bank statements from 2012 on the china cabinet, wedding invitations from 2011, 3 year old birthday cards...  just clutter.  I filled a whole recycle bin from the main floor.  I've done lots of laundry, enjoyed making dessert for my family Easter dinner, we went for a hike,  I helped Mr. Lina start another batch of beer... I've been puttering.  It's a good-busy feeling I'm hoping to carry upstairs.  Monday is our last house concert (Terry Penney from Newfoundland) until September so I can store a few boxes in the guest room again soon.

Also, I've made the call to the clinic to get the ball rolling again.  I'm ready for this last FET cycle.  Right now it's the paper work stage, I have to swing by and get all the consent forms (again). 

So next post I have to get the camera out and show off my fabric purchases.  I found a fabric store in Landshut so I have 2m of souvenir fabric.  Hopefully that will be another push to get the sewing room ready to sew in.  Mr. Lina has more filming sewing (a video for a friend of a fried) that may have to come before sewing for myself.  Whatever gets me back in there is a good thing!

Perspective

There is an awful lot of research out there on the differences between how we perceive ourselves and what we actually look like.  I am no expert but I think I'm going through one of those phases where I am not connected to what I look like.

This is how Mr. Lina sees me.  Happy, cute, glowing.  I have pictures that are both flattering and not so flattering that he would list as his favourites because they are what he loves about me.

All pictures were taken by Mr. Lina with the good camera and house concert lighting.

I like my body, really I do.  I feel more comfortable with it a little lighter than my present weight but I don't think of someone who has huge body issues.  I love my rather ample bust, I love my legs.  I just like my pants to do up too.  The extra few pounds are messing with my head. 

Sunday night I traced out/cut out (depending on the piece) Tiramisu.  I laid down my red ponte knit and started cutting.  The Cake sizing system is unique, I had to take some measurements to figure out sizing.  After an afternoon of gaming (as in 4 hours of snacking on chips, bean dip and raw broccoli and cauliflower), my waist was 37", a bit larger than usual.  But I want a dress that fits me now, not what I want to be so I was going to aim a little short of the 37.5 waist sizing and use the narrower width (and skirt length) of the 35 sizing as I am short.  There isn't a whole lot of space between my bust and hips.  My high bust is usually around 38/39, but when remeasuring I realized it was higher when my arms were down.  Added to this, my full bust in a good bra is between 44" and 45", the concept of the 35 even with the D sizing working out had me afraid it would be too small.

I didn't need to worry.

We could fit another grapefruit or two in there quite comfortably.  Let's see that from the side...

He was so focused on lighting, he didn't look at my eyes.

So my thoughts...

• The band is too big, it's suppose to have 0 ease.
• The band is too low, looking at other peoples dresses that should be higher
• I've gathered too far to the side, there is bunching by my arm pit.

On the plus side, it's still not gaping when I lean forward (although it will sometimes if I'm standing up because I am not filling it).

I pretty much did the same thing with Burda 118A (which I'm not giving up on, it's just on hiatus).  I was so worried about grading that up I ended up taking inches off each side so it wouldn't look like a sack.  There is something going on between the measuring tape I can read and the final product and that would be my brain.  I think it works like this.

I know I am not a tooth pick of a woman, I do not have the genetics to be a size 2 and I'm honestly happy with that.  I love having curves (those stick figures are smiling, although the lack of breasts is more of a function of my drawing abilities with a mouse).  But I wish they didn't get blown out of proportion in my head.
So, next steps.  I won't be sewing until Wednesday night, that gives me time to think.  I believe I need to:

• Take the band off
• Trim the band down
• Torn about lifting from the shoulders as I rather like the seams but I think the v needs to be lifted
• Cutting off from the bottom
• Cutting off from the sides?
• Sliding the cross over because I'm cutting off the bottom

That's a whole lot of cutting and I'm a bit concerned about taking off fabric from the right places and not distorting the whole bodice.  I'm going to have to look at the 35 pattern piece to see the difference in grading so I cut from the right spots.

I was having a hell of a lot of fun last night.  If I can fix this, I'm going to love this dress.  If not, I have other fabrics to try the 35 and I might have enough of this fabric to recut the bodice for this dress if need be.  I have enjoyed the process of making it.

Oh, and did I mention I'll be going to Germany in March?  The Post Lifers got into a film festival in Landshut, northeast of Munich. 

Snow Day!

Oh how I love snow days. 

This is the view from my front door.  You can see my neighbours foot prints in the snow, I haven't ventured out to shovel yet as it's still falling.

This is by no means a crazy amount of snow.  The flakes are actually pretty small but they say it's falling at 3cm (a little more than an inch) per hour.  It's enough to keep us home instead of risking life and car on the roads.  It will all be over later today and not impact our house concert tomorrow.  Hopefully we can get out on snow shoes on Sunday because Monday it's going to rain and the snow will disappear.  Again.

I mentioned that I transplanted my aloe plant and scratched my hands and forearms up nicely in the process.  While I had the camera out, I thought I'd take a picture.  Here's hoping I didn't kill it in the move, it's been a week and it seems fairly happy.

Try hugging that.

I also mentioned that we're going to a Central Ontario bowling fundraiser.  I haven't been to this event in the past, we've often had other plans.  I haven't been to a dance in ages, I have no idea what the dress code would be like.  I mean, it's bowling.  Our dress code is generally jeans and lower.  At some tournaments they might require a collar, dress pants for a national competition, but that's about the extent of it.  I put a few inquiries and found out someone actually wears a tux to this event.  I swear I've never seen him wearing a shirt without a wolf printed on it.  Now he was given to me as an example of the extreme (and considered over dressed), but it does show that there are many levels of dressing up and if dressing up is vaguely appropriate, then I don't want to wear jeans.  But... so many of my dresses are either for work and feel too professional or summer weights, or I dunno, like the tux, a little too fancy.  It does have me thinking that Tiramisu in red ponte might strike the right tone (I have purple and black fabrics in the stash too, but red has been catching my eye).  I keep picturing it looking like Tanit-Isis in her New Years dress.  Wouldn't that full skirt look fun moving around while dancing a cha-cha?  Food for thought with a deadline of next Friday.  Nothing like a real deadline to make me do something (mental deadlines do not work, I can't trick myself).

Puttering

Thank you all so much for the comments on the last post.  I think writing that out was good for me, things have definitely improved.  I did take suggestions to heart and made sure to take my vitamins and stand at the window when the sun came out.  Some of it was just putting my foot forward on smaller projects to get the ball rolling.  I am still having some foggy brained moments, but it's not as bad as last week.

We didn't have much planned for the weekend, just dinner at a friends house on Saturday, 4 couples and a child.  Mr. Lina is clearly still popular with the 2.5 year old crowd.  As much as she was asking where I was, it was Mr. Lina who needed to read her books and fix the play oven when the rack wasn't going in easily. 

This did lead to some baby-sad moments on Sunday.  Mr. Lina was equating time with our favourite 2.5 year old like drugs.  You feel this great high at the time.  The good feelings carry over for a while when you think of how good it felt to have them singling you out as someone special or snuggling close.  And then you realize that it is gone.  She's gone home and it's going to be a while before you can get that feeling back.  It's why I don't go to baby showers and I'm hesitant around babies.  It feels awesome at the time but sometimes the crash isn't worth the high.  I think there will be another crash when Ripley's Kittens are adopted in the next couple of weeks.  Most of them are over 2lbs now, it won't be long before they all meet the 2 months and 2lbs for being adopted.  Those kittens have provided some very happy distractions for both of us.

One of the great things about this weekend was my use of time, a balance of relaxing and productive.  I slept when I was tired, watched old movies and crocheted, transplanted my aloe into a larger (and heavier) pot (Note to Self, next time I move that aloe plant I should wrap it in a towel, my forearms and hands look like I tried to bathe a cat).  It started as a 10" pot from Home Depot, it's now 7 plants and about hip high on me in the new larger pot.  As happy as it seemed being pot bound in it's second plastic pot, it was pretty tippy hence the move away from plastic pots.  I did loads and loads of laundry, I think I washed every towel in the house. 

Stash fabric from Jan/12, rayon on the left, ponte (Tira?) on the right

It was a bit of a 3 Hours Past weekend as I made my own laundry detergent, watched Sabrina and pulled out the pattern pieces for Tiramisu and a few knit fabrics (red ponte above maybe?).  I did a little tidying in my sewing room, no firm decision making or sewing, but I refolded a few fabrics (including those pictured above and below, that navy modal is soooo soft) pulled out a few patterns, put a few things away.  I also went through my bra findings to figure out what I have and what I need (stretch needles!).  I won't say it was a hugely productive weekend, but I puttered.  I thought.  I took care of quite a few small projects I had been ignoring.  It felt good.

Soft modal

With my parents in Florida, it's a good time for online shopping and have it shipped to them.  I found a great card fabric for Mom's luggage tags.  I emailed to ask if she would like that as I would find something for myself and order them together.  Amusing thing is she wanted that and 3 other fabrics as well, her bill came to more than mine and qualified us for free shipping.  I have ordered 2 pieces of fabric that I think will work for Alma.  They are stretch wovens (mostly cotton), Alma doesn't require stretch but 10% stretch might work well for my first go at the pattern.  If the bust adjustments aren't perfect the stretch will be more forgiving and being cotton they will be at least 3 season wear.  We will see what they actually look like in March when my parents return.  I still find shopping for fabric online strange, I miss the tactile sensations. 

There is a lot coming up, February is a busy month.  This Saturday we're hosting Richie Newton and Rosie Stearns (video below).  We're trying to do a head count on attendance, it's a bit frustrating to have so many maybes.  We might have 11, we might have 23 (I'm hoping for 23 myself).  But that's true with every show, I should know that by now.  We have Valentines Day to plan for (more on that later).  There is a bowling fundraising dance on the 15th, our annual chili cook off on the 17th, off to Mexico on the 24th... lots to look forward to this month.