Not Dead Yet

Did I drop off the face of the earth or what?

It's been a crazy summer here.  I barely had time to visit the washroom alone never mind blog.  For the sake of privacy for the girls, this is probably going to be pretty vague.

So my girls, let me start there.  They are sisters, the older is 12 and the younger will be 5 at the end of November.  Think about that, what makes a 4 year old happy is miserably boring to the 12 year old.  Things the 12 year old want to do are either too mature in content or a disaster for a 4 year old (do they have to pack quite so many shiny things into Ardenes?).  They have been in care for almost 3 years.  I am Mom #4 to them.  It is amazing when I look back at posts I made as I was dealing with infertility and moving onto preparing myself for adoption through Children's Aid that I was right about so much.  And yet I still had no idea.

The older girl, Clover, she is stunningly beautiful, distant and chatty all in one.  She's got emotional walls that would make Helm's Deep look like cardboard.  She is a world of contradictions, pie is too sweet but a bag of skittles is okay.  Wants to be a vegetarian but eats bacon and pepperettes faster than Mr. Lina.  Her room will be strewn with clothing but every bit of Hunger Games is carefully placed in a shrine.  She has the teen age "I don't know" down to an art form.  She wants this family to work so much it makes my heart burst sometimes.  I see the fear around the edges when her sister is acting up, the "don't fuck this up for both of us" is strong.

The younger girl, Spunk, has two speeds, run and crash, and yet she has limited endurance and no skills to rest.  I have never met a child so easy to engage with, and that's half the problem.  Last week a neighbour had a new roof put on and she was treating these absolute strangers like family friends.  You do not want to tickle a roofer's armpits at the end of the day.  She is absolutely delightful and yet so full of rage, she doesn't know what to do with it.  I don't have the language or emotional IQ to discuss the abandonment and confusion she's feeling, she sure doesn't so it comes out in absolute melt downs.  She is exhausting.  There is caring that she should have experienced as an infant that she missed, so our almost constant play is some variation of baby.  Baby bird, baby puppy, baby kitten, etc. etc. etc., baby unicorn usually has a broken leg because Clover sprained her foot this summer and keeps reinjuring it.  The first time is cute and fun, but 3 months of baby play is exhausting.  You don't know how happy I was for a change when we played "salon" last week.

Most weeks, I have 1-2 therapy sessions (either for me alone, us together or Clover sees a different therapist on her own, one day I'll get the invite to join) and at least one social worker dropping by.  Really I have a team of 6 between social workers and therapists to lean on.  School starting is the best thing ever.  There is morning routine, I have two hours to myself (Spunk isn't ready for a full day just yet).  That's two hours to actually SEE a therapist without the added stress of coverage for the girls (keep in mind I have to keep their world small so they only know so many people), time to get groceries, chuck dinner in the slow cooker as dinner is the time most likely to have melt downs, I don't know,  have a bath, pee, call my parents.  School is wonderful.

We've seen so much change in Spunk.  In June, she didn't know where her arms and legs were, I thought she was going to die on the school playground, she really did fall off it.  Now, she has the upper body strength to do monkey bars.  She does it so much she's got a callus building on her palm.  She referred to us as mom and dad quickly, but not the way most kids mean it.  I was "the mom in the purple shirt", or she would ask me where my dad was meaning Mr. Lina.  In her mind, every house has a mom and dad, we were just the mom and dad here.  But now she will say things like "you are MY mom" and we make a big deal about the "ownership" of relationships.  She tries to repair with us when she screws up, this isn't something she's done with other care givers.  She will apologize unprompted and repeatedly.  Sometimes 3 days after she's hurt us she will ask if it still hurts and could she kiss it better again. 

Clover called Mr. Lina dad for the first time last night.  For a girl with thick walls and the ability to be stoic in any situation, letting that slip is incredible.  The changes in Spunk are measurable as she gains coordination, learns new skills (like rhyming), changes her behaviour.  In Clover, it's harder, she's incredibly independent.  A change for her is asking me to put nail polish on her last night.  She's learning to lean on us, to ask.

From a legal perspective, they are now available for adoption.  I don't really know what the time lines look like for lawyers and judges to do that.  I am not worried, it will happen when it's the right time.  The girls are just learning now we are sticking this out.  It's okay to have a little more time to prove that to them before Clover signs the papers that we are the parents she wants.

Barriers to Blogging

I used to sometimes hear blog posts in my head.  I'd be thinking about something and it would turn into a conversation of sorts.  They were words I needed to get out of my head so I could move on to other thoughts maybe.  It really was the push to blog at times I probably shouldn't.

It doesn't seem to happen much lately.  Maybe because I'm happy.  Sounds strange but I think most songs are about something sad or challenging.  When we're struggling, we often have more things to say, more feelings to sort out.

That said, I am sewing.  It's wonderful to have new clothing to wear.  You know a few days I wore entirely me-made outfits last week?  Having two pairs of self made pants is certainly extending my wardrobe.  And last week I made a denim Hollyburn skirt.

I should be eager to blog about all of them but man I suck at taking pictures.  I was frantically hemming the skirt on Saturday so I could wear it to my nephews first birthday party (CRAZY, they can't possibly be one already).  First birthday, you'd think I'd have a picture or two of me in my self made brand spanking new skirt.

Nope.  I know pictures were taken of me but go figure, all the ones I have seen are of my nephew.  I mean really, there was a new skirt to show off, someone should have taken a picture of it (we need a sarcasm font or something).  I should have asked Mr. Lina to capture the skirt in all it's non-shiny denim newness but I didn't.

And then I washed it and wore it to work on Monday.  Granted, I left at 7:30am when Mr. Lina was in the shower and I got home at 7:30pm because I have limited time management skills, but in theory I could have taken outdoor pictures yesterday.  Spring HAS arrived (although I'm still skeptical it is here to stay).  But no, I decided having dinner and buying groceries was more important.

Oh and how is this for weird?  I was at a client this afternoon that happens to be near a Fabricland.  The car went on autopilot and the next thing I knew I was parked right in front of it.  Strange.  But stranger still, I didn't buy much.  I actually reminded myself I have fabric and home and bought things like interfacing, lining, and a little piece of fabric with grippies on it so I can make my hand knit slippers last a little longer (I swear my feet eat through yarn).  Nothing even to show off.  Every time I touched something I was reminded of some other piece of cotton sateen or poly-knit in my fabric stash.

I like making patterns twice.  You figure out what works and doesn't.  Let me tell you Hollyburn runs long on me.  The "above the knee" but not short (view B) is below my knee AFTER I cut the length for size 0 and then cut an additional 3" off the bottom.  I will sew it again but it will be cut 4" shorter (to be above my knee) and from a softer fabric.  I do like my light weight denim version (fabric purchased from Len's Mill denim ends, it's so dark it's almost black) but it the denim has enough body to float away from me.  My mom said I looked "youthful".  When I mentioned being ready for the sock hop Mr. Lina agreed.  I have some black linen in my stash, just washed it for a second or third time last week.  That could be nice for summer and while it won't drape like a chiffon, it will fall down instead of out.

Welcome to February

Where on earth did January go?  I swear I blinked and weeks had passed.

On the sewing front, I'm getting there.  I finally found my iron last week but I still haven't found my large self healing mat.  The little one, but not the big one.  The little mat is maybe helpful for a bra and that's about it and I'm not quite organized enough for making a bra.

I am, however, vaguely organized to sew a rectangle.  Large rectangles.  Like curtains.

They aren't quite finished.  I wasn't sure how well they would block out the sun and they were needed sooner rather than later because the blinds are useless.  Completely useless.  Not only are they ineffective at blocking sun, they provide no privacy.  Something I realized coming home from bowling when Mr. Lina had the light on in the bedroom and I could see everything from the street.  Not just the shape of my furniture, but the details too.  No wonder the neighbours are so friendly.  I put up a sheet that night, bought this fabric on the weekend, cut and turned the edges and we hung them up.  As it turns out, I do need a fairly heavy lining to block out the sun so I'm glad I waited rather than cheaping out assuming the fabric was heavy enough.

Mr. Lina also has me sewing rectangles for a green screen.  I'm less enthused by that as the fabric with the right shade of green is also rubber backed and freakishly heavy.  It looks like it was sewn by drunk monkeys because it's hard to pull the fabric in 9' panels evenly.  I refuse to sew more until he supports the fabric on the side.  It's just embarrassing how crooked it is.

Things are moving pretty quickly on the home study/adoption front.  Our adoption worker is such a good fit for us.  We share similar interests in folk music, he plays guitar, he's really made Mr. Lina feel comfortable.  We've had one meet & greet and our first visit (of 4-5) for the home study.  It's pretty intense, there aren't many skeletons left in our closets.  An hour and a half of talking (each, separately) about our childhood.  And it's not just what I say but how I say it.  Like he commented on how I talk about my dad, it's like I'm defending him when no one is attacking him.  I didn't realize I felt that way, like I needed to justify everything.  So strange.  That interview rattled around my head for a few days.  Still does I suppose.  We were scheduled to have our second meeting today but he is sick, so it's going to be next week.

Oh and we went to Montreal for a wedding.  Who gets married in Montreal in January when most of your family are in Manitoba?  Not the best time of year for travelling.  BUT, it was in the Plateau area, I bought 3 pieces of fabric without it being a hassle at all, and I'm so happy for the couple.  They really are well suited and just crazy enough for the other.  It was a wonderfully casual wedding with cocktail dresses for a dress code.

Emery board for scale, really they are all black/grey.

The fabric on the left is black and the light is accentuating the snake skin print, it s quite subtle in person (being black on black).  It's a knit, fairly stable but my plan is a skirt so just enough stretch for movement and comfort.  Actually all three have stretch, now that I think about it.  I didn't notice quite how much stretch was in the top right (and it is grey, not purple) "cloud" fabric until later because it's one directional.  I want to make it into a pencil skirt.  I'm doing more formal client meetings and I feel most professional in a skirt so I'd like to add some to my wardrobe.  Last is the cable knit sweater.  It's fairly heavy, black on the back.  I was thinking a snug sweater (I think it's thick enough to smooth over bumps) maybe like Renfrew, but it was the last 2m on the bolt and I took it all.  So maybe a dress now?  Snug and fairly short maybe, something that could be worn with opaque tights or leggings/skinny jeans.

Posting - at last!

Oh boy, how time flies.

I think I've started 4 posts in the past 5 weeks.  We'll see if this one sticks.  Maybe we'll go the easy route with a list...

• Move went well, it was a good call to hire packers and movers.
• My in laws arrived, helped and left, our relationship is still good and the weather stripping, locks and various other aspects of the house benefited from their visit
• The house is feeling like home.  I looked at a 401 West - London sign and my first thought was "home is that way" (not that I live in London but it's the next biggest city in that direction).
• I am still getting used to my new commute, I knew it would suck prior to moving and I was right.  It took nearly 2 hours to get into work today, this isn't going to last forever.
• Christmas was a little hectic and felt last minute but okay
• My SIL was a bit of a saviour, I "went in" on a lot of group presents which saved me some shopping and what shopping I did have to do was done in one night the Monday prior to Christmas
• We got roped into hosting a New Years Eve party, a Manitoba friend has moved to Montreal in the fall and he wanted to ring in the new year with us so a party was had
• Mr. Lina went a little crazy with moving, holidays, two colds and work, layer upon layer of crap to the point he really couldn't be flexible with any change, but I think he is returning to normal
• I miss Lazy Subcultural Girl, she once said that she and her husband had a deal that only one person was allowed up the crazy tree at a time.
• I spent December at the base of the crazy tree looking up.
• Christmas celebrations had lots of babies, my 2.5 year old neice, my two 8 month old nephews and my cousin is a dad, his son was 5 weeks at Christmas and slept pretty much the whole time (as you would expect) - next year will be crazy when those babies are all running.
• My niece likes me, deals were required to get her to stop playing and take some family pictures and part of the deal was sitting in my lap.  Best Christmas present by far.
• Her brother only has eyes for his mom and my dad, Papa is a-okay fine by him, the rest of us are suspicious and not to be trusted.
• I feel sad today and an odd mix of lonely and antisocial.  Probably a mix of not having team members here and 2 hours alone in the car driving in.

That about sums up December I suppose.  On with January!

January 2nd I got a call from Children's Aid, we have our first appointment with a social worker this Friday.  I'm thrilled and nervous all at the same time.  It's just an hour to meet and review our application and discuss our preferences for adoption, but it's a big first step.  I was kind of thinking that in January I'd call and just see where we were in their priority list... and now I don't have to.  

Wasn't that sneaky of me leaving the best for last?  And look at that I'm going to hit publish...

Happy Thanksgiving!

This past weekend was Thanksgiving in Canada.  It's not quite the big holiday that it seems to be in the US, but I'm in favour of a 3 day weekend that is full of turkey dinners.  We hosted our traditional friends Thanksgiving on Saturday night, then my family had dinner on Monday.

After a weekend with a few late nights and lazy mornings, today sucked.  I'm still not feeling awake.  So let's see what I have to be thankful for...

• Health, generally, I'm good.  That rash has cleared up, no idea why or what caused it but I sure am thankful that it's gone.
• Mr. Lina - we're in a pretty good lovey dovey stage at the moment.  All this change feels exciting, so glad to have him in my life.  His attention for detail is coming in handy as he takes care of a lot of the details with our lawyer, mortgage broker and scheduling movers.
• Finances - sure, it would be nice to win the lottery, but I'm appreciating that I have enough.  There is lots of food to go around, a big roof over our head and while money seems to be slipping through our hands because of the move (7 weeks away now), it's all okay, there is enough.
• Friends - a big pillar in our our lives, having 18 adults, 5 kids, 2 babies for Thanksgiving sure did make me feel well loved.   We'll be moving about a 15 min walk from friends of ours and it was pretty cool to hear their 8 year old daughter say how happy she was about that.  You know I'm going to be really close to her school.  
• Family - gosh I love my niece and nephews.   My niece is a chatty 2 year old, loves imaginative play and silliness.  One nephew has figured out how to crawl like a marine under barbed wire and the other is ridiculously chubby cheeked and loves to kick everything and anything.  He also seems to have good "timing" causing me to need to change my shirt (and his outfit) and then getting me again with a leaky diaper.  No one else was puked on.  Honestly...
• I figured out this week I still have 5 vacation days to use this year.  That's going to help me stay sane while we move.

I think I covered all the big pillars there.  

We're going to be hosting David Bradstreet on Monday.  The guy has won Junos, a Gemini, produced for lots of other artists who are far better known than he is.  I'm excited to host someone with this kind of Canadian pedigree but I'm getting worried it's going to be another small audience.  Hopefully I get a few RSVP's this week.  Anyone local is welcome to come, I'll send details by email if you'd like.  Have a listen.

The Good Kind of Change

I've been living in some surreal world the past month.  After so much time of talking and planning and thinking and packing but accomplishing nothing... stuff happened.  Lots of stuff.  Life changing stuff.

And boy it sure feels good.

Every time I tell another friend or coworker about the house selling or the house we will be moving to, I feel a glow.  A smile I can't remove, a sparkle in my eyes and face that hasn't always been there.  A smile that isn't a fake it 'till you make it kind of smile that doesn't reach your eyes.

Building on the changes, yesterday I called Children's Aid in the region we're moving to.  A university friend of mine works there and she discreetly asked her adoption coworkers the best avenue for me to proceed and they recommended calling to let us know we were coming.  It's nothing too formal, but now we're on their radar.

It was a good conversation mostly about us - who we are, where we are at mentally, emotionally, how stable our life is  (well, the move is the definition of lack of stability but past that nothing is changing), what we're looking for, etc.  The application package is in the mail.  I felt like I had a good rapport with the social worker.  Typically the worker who takes your call is assigned your case, I am hoping that is the case because I think it's a good fit.  I am glad we took the PRIDE training already.  I had much better answers to his questions and perspective on the intention of the question than I would have without it.  From his perspective, we are seen as a more attractive potential parent because that step is already done.

It seems like a good time in my life for the song "Happy" to be played damn near everywhere.  I saw this video of it on the weekend and it is so powerful to me.  It's from Deaf Film Camp - Camp Mark Seven - and it's all in American Sign Language with subtitles.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Blink!

When we drove through small towns, my mom would always say "Don't blink or you'll miss it".  I kind of feel like every time I blink, time is flying by.

Let's see...

• Had someone come and clean my house.  
• I can pack or clean, not both.  
• Best money I've spent in a long time, selling the house now seems feasible.
• I had no idea how many patterns I actually had.  
• The box I thought might be half full of patterns and have space for notions was overflowing.
• Real estate agent says houses in my area sell on average in 14 days, many sell in 4 days.
• We're going to buy the house we want, have a 75-90 day close, then list our house.
• We looked at 4 houses last week, they were all good but not quite right for us. 
• Side rant on floor plans.  How can a house can have 1,000 sq ft more than my house and I am not sure where I'd fit some of my furniture?  Why would two of three bedrooms need walk in closets?  And come to think of it, the second closet touches the third bedroom wall, they could have made smaller (yet still walk in - yes it's that big but perhaps too narrow for a 4th bedroom) closets for both rooms.
• Still haven't bought a car, but we've narrowed down what we're looking for.  We set aside Sunday to look at cars and then found out the dealerships that we wanted to go to were closed.  Oops.
• So we had my parents, brother, SIL and nephew over for dinner instead of looking at cars.  It all worked out well, nice impromptu dinner party.
• We've gone to two 40th birthday parties in two weeks.  Those milestone years are just one party after another, and you find out which friends are a year older than you.  :)
• I've also had strep throat.  I thought I had a cold courtesy of my two sick co-workers.  Clearly I'm not a doctor.
• Lots of time with Mr. Lina.  

August 21st will be our 10th anniversary.  Talk about blink and you'll miss it.  I feel like it was a couple of years ago that I was putting on my big white dress and dancing our first dance.  Maybe last year that we celebrated 5 years.  And yet, the days pre-Mr. Lina seem a bit faded and distant.  The past oh... month I guess, it's been a bit of a throw back to our dating days.  I suspect part of it is knowing that with moving to another community and kids to follow after that, our "family of two" time is coming to an end.  We've gone out dancing, we've been on real dates in new locations, we've been talking a lot.  I've found myself telling stories about when we were dating, some of the silly things we did in that rush of a new relationship.  Even at one of the 40th birthday parties, I was telling the birthday-wife our "how we met" story since she's only known us as a couple.  Even in Manitoba we were talking about how it will be different - from the practicalities of where do we sleep to how we'll visit with friends.  When we're in Brandon, we often go to a friends place or a pub and enjoy a tipsy walk home at 2am.

It is going to be different, not to say bad, just different.  We are appreciating the good parts of being a couple at the moment, the benefits of our current home, and it's like that new relationship excitement over the changes to come.

Not-So-Fun Mom

Last weekend was a long weekend in Canada - Victoria Day.  We did the usual for us, camping with almost 30 people.  It was a bit chilly this year but mostly dry.  If you dress right, cold is manageable, but cold and wet is miserable.  I didn't pack quite enough extra blankets so it was a bit cold over night on Friday.  Thankfully we camp close enough to home I could pop back and pick up some flannel sheets so we were toasty the rest of the weekend.

The down time was good but certainly had some challenging moments.  Some friends camp with their kids, others just drop by for an afternoon, this year there were anywhere from 5-12 kids running around ages 10 right down to a visiting baby.  The one challenge with this kind of extensive time with other peoples kids is that I get a little annoyed with some of them.  It becomes clear to me, I'm not going to be a fun mom.  I'll be a good mom and there will be lots of love and fun moments, but I'm not going to be a fun mom.  My kids are going to hear no, and I am going to mean it.  When I read about adoptive parenting, I see the need for consistent and firm parenting.  I suppose with longer exposure to other families while camping, I see what happens when any child doesn't get that.  When no means maybe, or not yet, or someone else will say yes.  I see the manipulation that goes on and how often the kids win when no doesn't mean no and it irritates me over the weekend. 

Sunday afternoon, I was making dinner.  Jambalaya in my cast iron dutch oven on the fire.  It's a bit fussy only because it's hard to tell just how hot the coals/pot are but I'm getting better with practice and burning the bottom less.  I brought little silicone pot holders with me to the fire, they look like frogs and worked pretty well with the hot cast iron.

From Cilantro Cooks

Mr. Lina was wearing my pot holders and chasing kids around the camp site while the jambalaya simmered.  It was pretty funny as he stomped around snapping the frogs open and shut.  One of the (non-chasing) kidlets asked me for s'mores.  I'm not sure what made her think I was the owner of any marshmallows, chocolate or graham crackers as I watched my dinner cook.  I said no, she should ask her dad.  Which is also the answer I gave when asked if she could have a drink the previous day, and when asked for a snack earlier in the day.  You see the pattern?  She wandered off and came back with a huge bag of marshmallows (which I'm pretty sure did not belong to her family) and pestered me again to make her s'mores.  She wasn't the only kid around, another parent was giving his 3 kids popcorn as a post-dinner snack (hoping salty snacks would make for better bed time than sweet).  The middle kid (about 3 I think) in that family had been the focus of the Mr. Frog-a-Lina chasing and wanted in on the marshmallows, more because Mr. Frog-a-Lina was there and they wanted to feed the frogs popcorn and marshmallows.  At this point, Mr Frog-a-Lina got silly about the desire for popcorn s'mores, knowing I did not pack any of the required ingredients and could not fulfill what he was asking me to do and in my head I wasn't sure how well hot melted marshmallow, chocolate and popcorn were going to work on small fingers.  The popcorn wasn't going to offer much protection from the hot parts.  I got tired of  being pestered for stuff they should ask their parents for and knowing that at least one father probably didn't want his kids having popcorn s'mores and my inability to actually do what they (or I) wanted to do, and I lost it on Mr. Lina.  

Thus popping the bubble of happy fun time for Mr. Frog-a-Lina and the kidlets.  

We went for a walk so I could get away from the s'mores insanity and apologize for my behaviour.  I knew I was snapping at Mr. Lina because he was there and an easy target compared to the kids that weren't mine to discipline.  I don't lose my cool often so it has more impact when I do (at least on Mr. Lina, I don't think the kids were all that phased).  A few tears were shed and oddly not by me.  Mr. Lina loved running around and being silly, but it was also leaving him feeling sad that those weren't his own kids he was chasing after.  And boy, do I understand that.  Popping that happy bubble was pretty bad timing.  

After a little walk around, we went back to the site, we had dinner.  I had a little alone time while I changed into warmer clothing for the evening and prepped the tent for bed time.  Mr. Frog-a-Lina returned for more chase, with even more kids involved.  I could hear him (and the kids laughing) 4 sites down as I walked to the washroom.  I ended up with a 3 year old frog-chaser snuggling up with me as the sun was setting.  Not surprisingly, Mr. Lina fell asleep at the fire at dark o'clock (camping is not about clock watching).  Who knew pot holders could be such great exercise?  And did you know they come in monkeys and dogs and pigs and roosters...

How to Declutter - Film a Movie

We've been picking away at decluttering the house and we have made headway, but it seems that the key to doing it was film.  Mr. Lina filmed a short fake trailer on Saturday.  It's amazing the effort that goes into 90 seconds of film.  Somehow it managed to involve every room in the house except my sewing room.  Either it was in frame, space used by lighting/camera, or it was space to serve food and chill.  So pretty much every room needed some level of decluttering, admittedly some more than others.  My sewing room being the one exception.  Things were hidden in that room.

Here's a behind the scene shot of one of the death scenes in my kitchen.

Notice the vast quantities of fake blood on that actress (her shirt has white and coral stripes under that blood).  As much as I knew this was going to be a horror trailer, and in the 80's slasher style, I didn't QUITE do the math on how much fake blood would be involved.  Nor how far the splatter would go.  The upstairs bathroom (shower death scene being a requirement in most slasher films as an excuse to show a little more skin) looked like Dexter visited and forgot his plastic sheeting.  The bathroom and kitchen are cleaner than I think they have ever been because I kept finding splatters of fake blood everywhere.  For example, I don't think I've ever taken a tooth brush to the grout on the floor in my upstairs bathroom.  Washed the floor, sure, but scrubbing on my knees with a tooth brush?  Not really my typical cleaning style.  There was fake blood on the inside of my oven door, under the burners, on the back splash, the little indents under the counters...  It was just... everywhere.  There are a couple of spots I think we're going to need to paint because the red isn't coming out of the porous material.

No sewing was needed for this film set, but I did craft services again. Breakfast, lunch, snacks and dinner for a much smaller group than some of the other film sets (a benefit of a 90 second shoot and a minimal crew).  It was enough to keep me on my toes.  Everything went so smoothly they finished up the shoot a few hours early.  Unheard of I tell you.  I think the only thing that went wrong was my spider plant falling.  This happened before the picture above, we were moving the other actors around and getting the lighting right when the spider plant got hooked on someones pants or something and fell, missing her head by maybe 2".
She's got reflexes like a cat that one.  I kept trying to see the plus side of things and for this one, it's that A) the actress moved and was fine, and B) that spider plant was pretty pot bound, it seems a new pot was in order anyhow.  We should have decluttered that corner too, but it wasn't going to be in frame.  Lesson learned.

Past that, it's okay.  I seem to be in a quiet sad spot at the moment.  Not teary or anything, but I lack focus and interest in work.  It's harder to get out the door in the morning, when I get there I don't know where to start, I don't want to call in for my client team meetings.  Not quite sure what to do about it or what to make of it.  I'm on week 2 of some PMS symptoms, I'm thinking that's probably a factor but not the only one.  It seems to be more work focused than home focused (I was a-okay fine on the film set, even with cleaning up the blood), maybe this 5 day a week client facing is just too much.

And amusing to me, my youngest brother Clone and his wife have decided that the name they picked for their son doesn't fit.  So they changed it.  I'm not quite sure why I find it funny, but I do.  Parents pick names so early and who says that it's going to fit the face and personality that you see when the baby is born?  I am pleased they made the change now if they weren't happy, it can't be easy to admit the name you picked just didn't work.  You know my parents only had a girls name for me (my paternal grandmothers name, most of Dad's family died in a car accident 4 years earlier) and only a boys name for Scot, and no name for Clone when we were born.  My mom was convinced I was going to be a boy (to the point she argued with the doctor when he said "it's a girl!") so it's kind of funny they didn't have a boys name for me but there you go.

The Week of Super Aunt Continues

My brother Scot is now a dad.  Under that little hat is a massive amount of blonde hair.

I'm told both baby and mom are doing quite well.  The little guy was born last night so my nephews have birthdays on the 5th and 8th.  I foresee many family birthday parties in early April...

Super Aunt!

Welcome to the week of Super Aunt.

You may remember that both of my brothers somehow had partners with synchronized ovulation and ended up with due dates one day apart - April 4th and 5th.  How that happens when they live literally 4,500 km (give or take depending on your route) apart, I'm not sure but it did.

Clone (the youngest of us) arrived in time to have a few days with his wife and my niece before my nephew arrived on Saturday, April 5th.  Both my nephew and my SIL are doing really well, I gather he's a pretty hungry baby and feeding well.  With my cough and congestion, I'm not in a rush to meet him, but he is adorable.

Skin time with his dad.

And I just got word that Scot and his fiance are on the way to the hospital.  My mom went to have lunch with his fiance and her mom (who came from Venezuela for the birth) only to find they were off to the hospital because her water broke.  So... more to come on that front.  We know they are having a boy too so I'm going to have a lot of nephew stories.

I'm not quite sure how I'm feeling about all of this.  Being sick is (again) giving me a reason to not join the family fray trying to meet the babies.  I would not wish 2 plus weeks of congestion onto the babies nor the new parents, it's best to keep my distance a little while longer.  While true, I think it also gives me a level of plausible deniability.

I love babies.  I want to hold my nephew (and soon to arrive nephew) so much but there is a cost to holding babies.  I know it's going to make me cry, heck just writing that is making me leaky.  I can't do it when lots of people are around and right now, it seems like it is parent and grandparent time more than aunt time.  I really can't do it with my brothers in laws around.  Being sick is a good reason not to go right now but really, it's an excuse for something I'd be avoiding anyhow.

Soon, but not quite yet.  That feels more honest and I have to be honest with myself about this so I can put on the brave face and lie when I have to.

Swiss Cheese Memory

I'm sure I blogged about this at the time, possibly just in passing, but my mothers cousin's husband had a stroke about 18 months ago now.  Sounds like a pretty distant relation, doesn't it?  And yet, in the way of families, I've always felt closer to him and his wife than my aunts and uncles.  Let's call them, oh Don and Ann

My mom and her cousin were close as kids and young adults.  Their grandparents often took them places together (a weekend trip to Ottawa for example), they were bridesmaids for each other.  My parents met about 3 weeks prior to Don and Ann's wedding, Mom brought Dad to the church for the wedding rehearsal and then the minister told my Dad to pay attention because he was next, Dad promptly turned red as a tomato.  Maybe the minister saw something because Dad did propose a month or so later.  But life gets busy with kids and I really don't remember spending a whole lot of time at their house as a kid.  I knew them from family events, but we didn't get together for play dates that I recall.  So the closeness isn't from spending more time with them than my aunts and uncles.

Still, when I was with them, it felt more like puzzle pieces falling together than with my aunts and uncles, a very genuine feeling of being comfortable.  Their daughter and I are like peas and carrots, birthdays weeks apart.  She's autistic and even when we were 11 years old, I liked being around her.  It is fascinating to see how her mind connects seemingly unique songs, phrases and toys/props.  But believe me, if you look, there is a reason she's quoting "The Music Man" or singing Lollipop at that particular moment.  

When I was working on my masters, I helped Don with his PhD.  He did survey based research that required statistical analysis and he didn't know his way around a computer or stats at all.  I think if it was my own research I would have run to the hills scared that it was beyond my skills, but somehow I helped him through it.  His wife was teasing that I was probably under the table at his defense whispering the answers to him.  

In exchange, Don would buy me a very late lunch and part of lunch would be a pint of beer.  But of course if two people are having a pint, it's not that much more to have a pitcher of beer...  Don would be driving home so I would get more of the pitcher than he did. I think I was drunk by 5pm every time we worked on his research.  In the end, I found out I liked dark beers and Indian food, and I gained a friend.  When my 6 year university relationship was ending and I felt lost, alone and hurt, I called him a couple of times when I was an absolute wreck.  He was a friend when I needed it.

So when Don had this stroke, I felt a fear unlike what I've felt for other relatives.  When my grandparents died, I felt they were old and had a good life.  I was sad to lose them and struggled with grief, but not afraid.  But Don is a friend, he feels closer to my age than my parents (which made his 70th birthday party a bit strange).  The other scary part of a stroke is that you don't know what's going to be left behind.  Strokes can be debilitating even for survivors, this was not a small stroke like my grandfather had and recovered from.

A year ago at Christmas, so a few months after the stroke, they had an anniversary party at the hospital.  It was helpful to have familiar people around him and it was great to see improvement from his initial days after the stroke, but it still wasn't... Don.  At the family brunch two weeks ago, he was there and I could see a little bit of the old Don.  But with so many people, and names not being a strong point, it was encouraging but I was still feeling out where the edge of his improvement was.

Wednesday night he phoned us (my favourite moment, I said hello and he said "I do know you!" - keep in mind, he phoned me, but I get it, he was pleased he had the right voice and face and name connected).  After the family brunch, Mr. Lina sent him some links for his movies (Don's background is in film, he's be so supportive and provides very specific feedback) but Don couldn't make them work.  We arranged to come over to watch them together, it's more fun that way anyhow.  

Last night we went to their house and it was lovely.  Don has a Swiss cheese memory - he remembers a pub that he and I went to for lunch 14 years ago, but still can't quite picture what my parents look like.  He could talk film with Mr. Lina - both from a film making perspective about layering sounds and the more hands on work involved with actual film stock.  There is some repetition to topics, or revisiting points because he needs the reminder or more context.  But his humour is sharp, he's building new memories and it was fun to talk about shared times.  Since Ann wasn't there for research days, it's often a new story for her too.  I can see him taking threads of stories and weaving a context for some of the memories he has.  One research day, he wanted to go to a restaurant in a nearby small town where he grew up.  The restaurant was sadly closed that day, but we drove around town and he pointed out his childhood home and told me that his high school principal lived down the street - he couldn't skip school if he wanted to!  And Don chimed in with the principals name.  

Those post-grad years weren't the best times in my life, maybe not the worst but I was pretty confused on a relationship level, scholastic level, what the hell am I doing with my life level...  It wasn't spiralling in the right direction and one insecurity built on the next.  Those times with Don were really good memories for me.  Helping him was good for me, made me feel more confident in what I knew.  He was a friend when I needed it and it was good to see that friend back last night.

Time Flies

I know this sounds like a broken record, but I'm not sure where the days  are going.  I haven't been in a great mental state to blog but I didn't realize it was over two weeks.  How strange.

So what's happened in two weeks?

• We went camping with a mix of friends, my brother and his girlfriend, my cousing and his wife.  Weather was good, I slept enough, Scot and his girlfriend were super cool and did not talk about the pregancy but I did give him a real hug and true congratulations.
• I went to a wedding in another city on the Saturday of Labour Day weekend, stayed the night, saw friends, it was good
• It was my birthday on the Monday of Labour Day weekend
• My SIL has decided that she needs some help being in the first trimester and chasing a 13 month old while my brother is on course work and can't help her
• So she (and my niece) came home and we surprised my parents with their arrival at my birthday dinner
• My niece is adorable
• I was kind of glad when they all went home
• Do you know how much cleaning we had to do to have a toddler in the house when the living room looked like the basement threw up crap and furniture all over it?  I'm not kidding, I had a path to the couch when my brother and SIL brought up the idea of her visiting.
• I wore my white lawn bowling skirt, but I don't have good a picture of me in it, my niece was naturally the cetre of attention.
• I had some post-birthday blues afterwards, I would have been okay skipping my birthday this year for some reason.
• We found out our mortgage was up for renewal this year, not next year so we had to rather quickly sort that out.
• We provided a weekend of respite, my friend from Summerfolk who has Down's Syndrome stayed with us to give his mom a break, she needed it.
• That went really well. 
• I started sewing for Mr. Lina.  Not for HIM, but movie stuff.  He needs a yamika/kippah, appliques of naughty reindeer added to a sweater and a crazy costume for one actress before the last weekend of September.
• I have never even met the actress, I think I'll be "fitting" with elastic.
• Yamika #1 from this kippah pattern came out a little wonky, poor fabric choice on my part and a little small given that the head it's going on has a full mask, it's bigger than a normal head.  It's a good pattern though, I'm sticking with it for my next attempt.  I think with 6 panels it ends up with a better curve than just 4 panels like most kippah patterns I found online.
• I went to a TIFF after party which was super cool.  One of my clients was sponsoring a film (The Grand Seduction) and while they didn't have tickets to the movie, they did give me tickets to the party.  So strange going to a party at 9pm on a Sunday.  But we got prettied up and went.

• And coming up... one last kick at the camping can this weekend, bowling starts tonight, Mr. Lina is getting us storage space to start really moving boxes out of the house, house concert season is starting up (100 Mile House from Alberta on Monday Sept 23, those local, let me know if you're interested in coming), and I need a nap.

 

Aunt X2

So not only is my youngest brother (Clone) going to be a dad for the second time...

My middle brother (Scot) is also going to be a dad. 

With his girlfriend (who I do think is a good match for him), but they have only been dating since May.

On the plus side, apparently my two brothers talked prior to Scot telling me last night.  How do I know?  Scot talked to Mr. Lina in the afternoon and told him first, wanting advice on how to approach me.  Scot said that "apparently Skype isn't a good way".  No kidding. 

I love my brothers and I know how much they want to treat me with kid gloves.  I guess the thing is they don't know what to do, they (fortunately) cannot empathise nor read my mind.  And the truth is, there isn't a good way.  It's going to suck for me regardless of how they say it.  Giving me space lets me have the illusion with them that it doesn't suck so much.

Mr. Lina's advice was that it's like a band aid, just tell me.  I'll deal with it.  Don't wait to do it in person, just get it over with and I will be okay.

So Scot phoned.  I was so shocked (I mean seriously, it doesn't feel like they have been dating long enough for her to BE pregnant) the first words out of my mouth were "wow, that was fast".  Perhaps not the most tactful thing I've ever said, but it wasn't about me and my losses so it's kind of a step in the right direction. 

We are going camping this weekend.  Scott, his girlfriend, my cousin and his wife, another couple that don't have kids, and another couple who have two girls I adore.  I am so thankful he told me last night.  I would not have been able to cope with being told with that kind of an audience and no where to run.  Or was left to do the math myself when she's suddenly not accepting a beer, etc.  All I asked is that they don't spend the whole weekend gushing about it.  She doesn't have to hide it, but conversation has to be about something other than babies for me to stay sane.  I can be happy for them, I think Scot is going to be a great dad.  One thing that had me sad about his first marriage was that it looked like they weren't going to have kids and I really thought he should be a dad.  And he's 35, I get that there isn't the time for an engagement and big wedding and crap before having kids (although I do get the impression this was a bit of a happy surprise for them).

I will say, I am doing better today than I expected.  I'm not sad or teary, I've been productive.  I guess I'm just mostly still surprised over it all.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm already scared of when they both have their babies within weeks of each other.

Where does the summer go?

When I was a kid, summer seemed to last forever.  There were the weeks of swimming lessons, a week of family adventures for my dad's holidays, hours and hours on my bike.  But I just went to Summerfolk, the CNE has started and that means that my birthday and Labour Day weekend is not far away.  How crazy is that.  I feel like three blinks ago it was June with the summer ahead of us.

I have multiple blog posts in my head - a little update on the Toronto meet up, the 2 Sorbettos and the A line skirt I've made, a Summerfolk review, our house concert schedule is set...  but I need to get pictures off of Mr. Lina's camera (he was kind enough to take a few pictures for me) and much as I love writing, I seem to like sewing more than writing, Sorbetto variation #5 just needs a hem.  That's a good thing.  :)

So while I get pictures organized... I got a little recognition for my mentoring at work.  A project we worked on to build up my coworkers skills was recognised by her client with a reward that has never gone to a research partner.  Shiny gold star for her and I am so very proud of her.  On the plus side, people are recognising me as her trainer and I really appreciate that.  I got a certificate to put up at my desk and I get to pick a prize from over 200 options.  That sounds like a lot until you start ruling things out,  I don't want a watch/jewellery, I don't have kids, don't golf, I don't need many kitchen appliances.  There are quite a few cool, nice to have things, but nothing that is the clear winner.  I have narrowed it to a few things.

1. Hammock for two with stand - the stand means I don't need trees to use it, but if I'm moving and it's the end of the summer, this is just another thing to pack.
2. Lagostina 7L pressure cooker that I really don't have space for in my kitchen and I've never cooked with a pressure cooker, but it seems kind of cool.
3. Coleman All in One Cooking system - we have a traditional 2 burner Coleman stove, this has multiple cooking surfaces so you can fry and grill as well as use the traditional burner.  But I worry it's a bit small, like you can't be boiling water while cooking eggs which I can do with a two burner stove.  So cool, but not fantastic.
4. DeLonghi Professional Ironing System - this is where I'd appreciate your feedback.  I have a basic iron that I am generally happy with, it does what I need it to do and throws enough steam to hurt my fingers when I'm not careful.  Still... this looks like a neat iron and given the general price point, it should be better than my little iron.  I generally work on the principle of making do with what I have and that makes it hard to pick an iron that doesn't need replacing. 

Decision making isn't always my strong point.  I got this award in June and I got an email reminding me I hadn't picked something.  Two months hasn't helped although I guess I can rule out picking the baby oriented stuff.  The crib and baby monitors were looking tempting in June.  This isn't sad, it's just replaced by the thought that some of the older kid stuff (bikes are one of my options) will be a good choice at some point.

And can I reiterate I hate being told people are pregnant in person?  I feel stunned every time.  It is like I'm a wooden replica of myself that doesn't know what to say.  I say congratulations, but I'm not sure it actually sounds convincing and I don't have any follow up questions.  I immediately start thinking of myself and how this times with either my last loss or how many weeks farther they are than I've made it.  I need time to see this through their eyes.  It just sucks and I hate that I'm probably making them feel awful by not looking happy.

You can imagine that rant didn't come out of the blue.  My youngest brothers wife is pregnant again and they told us last night over Skype.  I will be happy for them, I do love my niece, but I'm not sure I am today.  She is at 7 weeks and my first thought was that I didn't make it that far.  I don't think I realised how much that was bugging me until I started to post.  I really didn't mean to go there, but now I'm leaky for the 3rd time today.  Not the most work appropriate behaviour.

So let's leave this with Vance Gilbert.  I didn't get to see nearly enough of him this weekend at Summerfolk.  This song, Goodbye Pluto, it is about Pluto losing their planetary status, but it's a song that makes Mr. Lina and I a little leaky.  It's a song worth a second listen for the words.

Liebster!

Well this Liebster award comes with quite the contract.  11 facts about myself, then I have to answer questions that my nominator picked, then I get to come up with questions for the people I pick.  And then nominate bloggers with fewer than 200 followers. 

So let's get started, shall we?

11 Facts about Myself - Many of these are elsewhere on my blog but they are what has come to mind.

1. I studied geography and Canadian Studies in university.
2. The farthest west I have been is Kelowna, BC and furthest east is Nevis, West Indies (Halifax is a close second but I looked up the longitude, Nevis wins by a degree).
3. I am named after my paternal grandmother who died prior to my birth.
4. I love tea.
5. I started wearing glasses in Grade 7, I now think I look weird without them.
6. I was a life guard and swimming instructor through high school and university.
7. I took three Spanish classes, two in high school and one in university.
8. I love dancing with my husband, cha cha, rumba, waltz, fox trot and tango are my favourites.
9. I am 5' and a half inch.  I like that half inch as much as I like being short.
10. I find sharks fascinating.
11. I support a few independent musicians through house concerts, advance purchase of CDs, etc, my name is in a few liner notes.  Including this guy, Corin Raymond. 

Questions from Aft Agley:

1. What is the most important thing about you?
I think what drives my life at the moment is wanting to be a mom.  Even when I'm in a holding pattern, it's still influencing the decisions I make in my career, my home, and infertility has a huge impact on your marriage.  Impact is not necessarily a bad thing, all of the crap we've been through has made many aspects of our marriage stronger, financially we're in a better spot than when we first tried to have kids (double income no kids has a lot to do with that), it's not all doom and gloom. 

2. Name three things you would like to do this year?

1. Sharpen my scissors.  Lame, but true.
2. See my last two frozen embryos fulfill their destiny and move on to the next stage.
3. Find my sewing mojo again.

3. Do you set goals?

Not often.  I think of it more like to-do lists where some get ticked off sooner than others.  Firm goals set me up for guilt and procrastination.

4. Do you have a dayplanner?
I used to be a daytimer person.  I have daytimers from when I was in high school and I'm amazed at how busy I was (helps when someone else makes your meals, does your laundry...).  But I stepped away from it.  The real problem is that I rely on Outlook to pop up with meeting reminders at work.  A paper book doesn't do that and I can't keep a paper version as up to date as my Outlook so it becomes redundant.  Household events go on a calendar in the kitchen.

5. What is your favourite tv show?
I don't watch a lot of TV, we're pretty selective often waiting to see what happens with a series and watching it on DVD at our own pace.  For humour and still on air, Castle.  Treme has had a real impact on me but we aren't keeping up with current episodes.  Past shows, The Wire, Firefly, Arrested Development.  Guilty pleasure?  Charmed.

6. What is your favourite book?
Anne of the Island by Lucy Maud Montgomery is one I've read over and over through my teens and 20's, but it's been a while now.  I revisit The Fire-Dwellers and The Diviners now and again, both by Margaret Lawrence and as I age I draw from different parts of the books.  They are part of 5 books that are loosely connected through the fictional town of Manawaka, Manitoba which is based on Neepawa, Manitoba and my husband lived in Neepawa in his early childhood.  For Christmas, my MIL framed a picture she took of the stone angel in the Neepawa cemetery that the book Stone Angel is titled for  (although for the record, it is my least favourite book of the series, I should read it again because I might appreciate it now that I'm not 17).

7. Do you sew, knit, etc?
I sew and I know how to crochet one blanket, I specify one blanket because I understand quite a few crochet stitches but pattern reading is still confusing.  I'm game for other needle/crafty kind of things, but they are usually one-offs.  Like embroidering tea towels as a gift or painting stained glass stickies to my bathroom window.

8. What does an ideal day look like?
Oh boy.  There would be many things:

• Time with Mr. Lina.
• Tea, rooibos, black, flavoured black, I like it all.
• Time to read or sew or crochet.
• Good food.
• Friends.
• Sleep.

9. Have you ever been to a spa?
Yes, but not often.  Usually seems like a lot of money so when I have gone, it's been a gift or part of a package of sorts.  In a lot of ways I'm actually more comfortable getting a massage from an RMT in a medical office than the pampering of a spa.

10. How do you make the world a better place?
You do ask the big questions, don't you Nothy?  I volunteer my time, maybe not as much as I used to but what I can.  I am on the executive for my bowling league, I sometimes get paid for this but I like to spend time with my friend with Down Syndrome.  And lastly, I don't know how this helps the broader world but it sure helps my world.  I'll do a lot to help my husband reach his dreams of making movies.  Like sewing 24m of fabric into 3 back drops.

11. What is a goal you've set that you met more easily than you anticipated?
Things that come easy to me I think are easy for everyone and therefore not achievements.  This took some thinking but I found one, it's a bit of a story so get comfy.

When I was growing up, I was the chatty one, the bubbly one, the one people got along with and maybe the quiet one if I was afraid of saying the wrong thing to someone I adored (like my kindergarten teacher).  My brothers were the smart ones.  Not to say I'm stupid or ever thought I was stupid, but I always felt "average" and my brothers were in the gifted program.  I was friends with people who won school awards and I had to work pretty hard on subjects like math and science and I was pretty aware when I didn't know what I was expected to know.  My middle school report cards were usually full of Bs, averaging out somewhere between 74 and 78.
Third term of grade 7 (I would have been 12 starting that school year) I had an average over 80% for the first time thus qualifying me for honours.  It was truly an epiphany.  I realized that I could get honours, that it wasn't impossible or a pipe dream. 
My middle school gave out school letters (a G you could sew onto something) if you earned 100 points through after school activities and a larger letter G if you also got 4 terms of honours over the 3 years at the school (so 4 of 9 terms).  I was already close to 100 points at the end of Grade 7, and I was going to be in band/choir in Grade 8 which would be enough for the Little G.  But the Big G, well, I'd need to get honours all three semesters of Grade 8 to do that.  Getting honours once and getting it 4 times in a row are not the same thing, but I put my mind to it once I knew what I had to do.
And I did.
I also signed up for everything.  The choir, the band, the play (speaking part in Annie), I ran for class president (and lost).  If there was a sign up sheet that didn't involve athletics, I was on it.  I swear it was a year I blossomed and I suspect I got 100 points in that year alone.  Outside of school I volunteered at the pool helping teach swimming lessons on top of my usual competitive swimming, participated in a cross school pairing with a special needs class, my bowling average increased and I came in 4th at a provincial bowling tournament.  Lots of good things happened that year.
And I really didn't have to do much to get it, I just had to believe that I could.

So the last part of Liebster is nominating a few bloggers (ideally with less than 200 followers) and posing them questions.  I must say, asking questions is not one of my strengths, but I'll put on my investigative reporter hat and give it a go.

1. Where is the farthest you have travelled?
2. Do you seek out salty or sweet foods?
3. What is your favourite movie?
4. Tell us about a time in your life where there was a shift - in attitude, work, home, relationships, - something that changed going forward.
5. What is it about fabric that catches your eye? 
6. What is your favourite season?
7. What sewing gadget could you not live without?
8. What is your favourite thing in your closet?

Okay, that's enough questions.  I like conversation more than questions.

The Liebster has certainly made a few rounds in the blog world, I hope my quick search was right that I'm not renominating people.  I nominate:

• K-Line
• Sewing for Real Life
• Shoes are My Muse

But if you have not received this award and would like to play along (or have and would like to answer my 8 questions anyhow) please feel free to!  The rules seem a little fast and loose (Funny Grrl I'm looking at you - to my benefit I might add) so play the way you'd like.

"A Very Scot Christmas"

You have to be careful what is said around Mr. Lina.  He remembers things. 

Two years ago my youngest brother, Clone, made the mistake of saying that as much as he found the show Hoarders interesting, he got to a point where he couldn't watch it any more.  He also went on a 5 minute rant about snuggies.  Same family event but not the same conversation.

Mr. Lina bought Season 1 of Hoarders and a leopard print snuggy in August so he wouldn't forget.  Here you can see Clone growling in his leopard print snuggy that Christmas.

Country Girl Couture has a post about Christmas music that reminded me of the start of these silly gifts.  (Side note, check out all of her "Things that tick me off Thursday" posts, I always find them amusing).

Quite a few years ago, I don't think that Mr. Lina and I were married at this point, Paul McCartney's song "Wonderful Christmastime" came on the radio or store or something.  I think it's one of the worst offenders for being overly cute (I love the Beatles, but damn Paul needs someone like John to tell him when to dial the sappy crap back.)  I told Mr. Lina that my brother Scot HATES that song.  So much he will leave armloads of picked out presents behind and walk out of a store, just so he can escape the song.

Mr. Lina thought this is good information.

He burns that song 13 times on a CD, creates a fake play list on the back and uses Google images for Scot's name to put pictures on the cover calling it "A Very Scot Christmas".

And he giggles to himself with glee.

Scot figured something is up when he opens it up.  Dokken (etc) is not really his taste in music and he couldn't understand why Mr. Lina thinks he would want to listen to any of the music on the play list.  So after the presents are opened, people are checking out their new gifts, he goes to my parents stereo and hits play.

About 4 bars in, he flips the CD over to read the play list again.

12 bars in he hits next.

4 bars in he hits next.  And hits next sooner and sooner until he looks up and says "So is it on EVERY tract?" as my entire family start laughing.

Next year, Mr. Lina's gift from Scot was wrapped in paper mache.  Silly gifts have circled between my brothers and Mr. Lina since then.  Last year Clone wrapped Scot's gift in bacon.  Nothing crazy happened this year, my SIL actually commented on that.

Little did she (or I) know, this year, Mr. Lina had a surprise for me. 

When we were in Manitoba this summer his parents taught us to play Canasta.  It was a new card game to both of us and we played a few times to get the hang of it, pairing with his parents so it wasn't two newbies being ganged up on.  One game, my team won quite soundly, mostly because I had wild card after wild card.  One round I went out before Mr. Lina got into his foot.

That night, as we were going to bed he said to me he knew what he was going to get me for Christmas.  I was surprised, I mean, this was early July and we hadn't done much beyond playing cards and watching the lake property be leveled by a back hoe.  I had no idea what would inspire a Christmas present.

Yes, he said, enough decks of cards to play Canasta and a vibrator so I could go f*ck myself.  He was pretty proud of himself for coming up with that line but kind of giggled as he said it so it had no teeth.

My "non-family Christmas gift" arrived yesterday with multiple decks of cards.  I'm all set to play Canasta by myself.  ;)

More good news

The Post Lifers won best short film at the Blood in the Snow film festival.  All of the films I saw had film makers, directors, actors in the audience, there was a LOT of networking going on.  Facebook was just a flurry of likes and comments last night, Mr. Lina was very happy when I got home from bowling on Tuesday.  That's 4 wins for best short, nominations for best short, best editing and best acting.  I think they are going to need a bigger DVD package when it's time to try to sell it. 

A special thank you to Amy at Sew Well.  She held a contest for 10 subscriptions to Zinio, an online magazine provider and I was lucky enough to win one.  If Threads had been an option, it would have been a perfect choice but alas, it is not.  Instead I selected Canadian Geographic.  My first issue arrived yesterday and I'm happy with my choice.

When I was in first year of university, I really didn't have a clue of what I wanted to take.  I was accepted as "Major Undecided".  At least it was honest rather than having something that wasn't going to stick.  When I finally did decide geography was for me, I got a lot of support from my family.  My grandfather bought me a subscription to Canadian Geographic.  I loved it, it was like having some kind of geography cred and sometimes I could talk about issues in class all pro-active keener like.  The last time I saw my Papa was at my convocation from university.  It's a fine memory to hold onto. 

I didn't have the money to continue the subscription after he passed away.  I've asked for it for Christmas now and again but no one has taken me up on the suggestion.  So at long last, I have my magazine and happy memories back.  Now to learn about polar bears and beavers...

Ramblings

I have a lot of things swirling around at the moment, it's time for a list.

• I had a new roller coaster dream last night, but on the plus side
• I did not wake up
• I did not sleep walk
• I was not stressed out in the dream
• We were using the speed of the roller coasters as wind while having my picture taken, weird I know. 
• Particularly when it became apparent it was kind of a log ride so there was water involved.
• My mom's cousin's husband had a stroke on Sunday and I came into work to read an email about it.  He means a lot to me so it took a bit to swallow that news.  I get the impression that although they know there will be weeks of therapy, they are still in the midst of testing so not a lot of firm answers at this point.
• I like dark beers because of him.  I helped him with the statistics for his PhD.  As payment, we would go for a late lunch and we split a pitcher on an empty stomach.  I was usually pretty tipsy before my lunch arrived.
• Sonohystogram is going to have to be postponed, my period has arrived.  76 day cycle and it picks 4 days before my sono to come to an end.  If it started Monday that would have been perfect, but no, now I have to change it to sometime next week, I think they aim for day 6-11. 
• Overall though, it's good to have it here, my breasts can return to normal and we'll blame my eye leakiness today on hormones.
• And if I don't have to go for the sono on Saturday, I can either help Mom with the craft show or help my mom's cousin. 
• Hospitals take care of sick people, there isn't much I can do outside of visit (and I gather he is tired so visits may be too much just now).  But the immediate family (typically) need help so they can do what the sick person needs.  In this case, their daughter is the same age as me and she is autistic and dependent on them. 
• So this cousin of mine, let's call her Beth. She's awesome, we have a good bond.  We even have a not so secret pass phrase (which comes in handy when she needs to regulate and settle down).  I've offered some respite time so the wife can do what she needs to do without wondering what mischief the daughter is getting into. 
•  Beth memorizes movies and quotes them back, using their dialogue for her conversation.  If you watch movies with her, she pulls out props ahead of the dialogue, "You dirty rat" will result in a plastic rat appearing out of a toy box.  It helps to know the movies she has seen recently to get her context.
• For example, my pass phrase is "Yes, no, I don't know.  If that isn't a true blue miracle, I don't know what one is".
• Not everyone has a pass phrase and those who do have a phrase of their own.
• Now the first half is said in a silly sing-song voice with side to side head actions.  If she says that, I have to say the rest, and vice versa.  It's like proof that I am me.
• The second half is from the 1978 Christmas Eve on Sesame Street special.
• She also loves my Strawberry Shortcake dolls and is generally trying to manipulate them out of me.
• Perhaps you could have a garage sale and sell your old toys.  You would tell me when you have a garage sale wouldn't you?
• Do you play with your dolls, Sera?  No?  Toys need to be played with.  I would play with them.
• Every single visit to my parents she finds them.  I don't even know where my parents put them last but somehow Beth does.  Then we have to check that they didn't "disappear" into a pocket...
• I have taken a few more steps with the Burda dress, but last night was bowling so not as much as you would think, the back is joined and it has a zipper.
• I really did a good job on the invisible zipper part.
• The spot below the zipper, well, the seam ripper and I got to be good friends. 
• Stellar Parenting made me leaky.  I love her posts to her daughter.  I must remember the line "You were worth the wait" when I feel impatient.  One day I will feel like that.

Okay, I'm feeling a little more sorted out now.  Thanks for following along.

Thanksgiving

Last weekend was Thanksgiving in Canada.  It is not the big deal that it is in the US, at least, not in my house.  It is an opportunity to eat turkey, see some family/friends, have a day off and be a little thoughtful. 

We all have things to be thankful for.  Really.  Even if things look horrible, there is always something good.  If you have food, if you are warm, if your basic needs are easily met, in the grand scheme of things, you should be thankful.  But it's so easy to loose sight of that.  So easy to feel the "yeah, but" that goes with that.  Sometimes, we need to think of the big picture.

I don't know if fall is just a hard time for me, but I feel a bit of sadness.  I stepped out to run an errand at lunch and found my thoughts all negative and circling around to babies I don't have.  Maybe a list of what I should appreciate will help.

• Mr. Lina.  Our marriage is far from perfect, but people seem to think it is from the outside looking in.  When friends comment on our relationship as one they look up to, I find myself at a loss of words besides thanks.  I found the right partner in life with Mr. Lina.  We have been through a lot of challenges together and I still want to have him by my side to face the next scary thing we encounter.
• Finances.  We both have jobs that pay enough to have most of what we want in life.  We still make some choices, I can't have everything, but again, in the grand scheme of things, things that are important to us are feasible, food is plentiful, our house is warm and welcoming, I can buy fabric when I want to.  I know what it felt like to be paying student loans, making very little and not sure that I could share in the rent with Mr. Lina.  Or paying for university and trying to eek through April when all of my summer money had run out and I had enough for bus fair to my parents until my next pay arrived for 8 hours of work.  I may fuss occasionally about the cost of things, but that's part of how I grew up rather than really not being able to afford it.
• Skills.  I have skills to do some pretty cool things.  I can make maps, I can talk about consumer behaviour, I can sew a bra, I can bake soft pretzels, I can make appetizers for a party of 30 without breaking much of a sweat (the house cleaning for the guests is the source of the sweat).  I am a very capable person.
• Family.  I may not have children, but I do have both of my parents and in laws, I have 2 brothers, a brother in law and 2 sister in laws who care about me.  One set of grandparents were important to me as I grew up and had an impact on how I see the world now.  Mr. Lina still has one grandmother to spoil us with cinnamon buns.  So maybe I don't have kids, but I sure do have family.
• Health.  Okay so my immune system is a bit ah, sensitive, reacting to things it shouldn't (like carrots and babies), and my ankle still hurts (bowling may not have been a wise choice).  But I don't have as many migraines as I used to, I didn't get bronchitis this fall (really ragweed wasn't too bad at all), I haven't had a really bad run of hives in a long time.  Sure there are quirks to my body, but they are my quirks and they aren't debilitating.
• Strength.  I'm not feeling all that strong today, but it really is something I should appreciate.  I firmly believe that every single one of us is capable of doing more than we think we can, surviving more than we think we could.  Infertility has left a mark on who I am, but I'm still here, internal strength of just getting through it is part of that.
• "The Blog."  We are all part of a really neat community.  It's lovely to be a part of it.  I've had a custom pants blocker courtesy of The Consultative Dressmaker, I've recently won an issue of Burda from Aft Agley.  ElleC had a giveaway a bit ago with a "pile of orange" (kind of faltered on the pattern that was part of that, my lapped zipper is not going in well).  I find myself talking about blogs I read like friends.  You know, my friend who is an expert in bras and tipped me off to online pretty bras.  Or how about those friends who are raising children they adopted, I've had more than a few conversations with Mr. Lina that were sparked by her experiences.  Quite often posts that resonate roll around in my head for a few days and they leave an impact on my life.

So tomorrow will bring a new day.  I'll get my ankle checked out with my family doctor.  I'm home from bowling and my bras have arrived.  I think I have a pretty good batting average but we'll discuss when I'm more organized.