Long overdue check in

So life chez-Lina is pretty good.  Still crazy, still heart wrenching, and certainly full of social workers but good.

Spunk (now 5) has sort of figured out that we're sticking around.  She's full of statements like "You are MY mom" or "You will be MY mom forever".  Toileting has improved tremendously, she's finally going to school all day and generally thriving.  She's able to read a bit, print well, and academically closer to her peers that I'd expected given all this emotional upheaval.  Her struggles (school wise) are more learning social skills.  She's so fearful of rejection, she has a hard time asking others to play or letting them control the game.

Clover (now 13) has had a rougher time I'd say.  In my last post, I mentioned she slipped and called Mr. Lina Dad.  That was the start of her brain going "Holy fuck what is going on???  We don't trust MEN!!!".  I spent the fall saying she was sliding, she needed help, she hit a bottom in December which opened us up to more help.  We've added more medical professionals to the team, sorted out an alphabet of diagnosis and we're working on treatments.  Somehow through bleak months where she couldn't do more than mumble to Mr. Lina she still managed to have 5 grades at 90%.  She has a boyfriend so I now get to talk about sex and worry about what's happening on that 45 minute walk after school on top of the usual mental health/parenting concerns.

Legally speaking, the girls are still our foster daughters.  There was a lab in Toronto that did hair analysis to find historical drug use.  There was a false positive in a divorce case (so impacted custody but nothing to do with adoption) which led to an inquest.  Because of the inquest, they are now opening up every single case where the lab was used to see if it played a factor in the apprehension of children.  Until that is resolved, all adoptions for cases where the lab was used (even distantly - like in the case of an older sibling who is now an adult holding back the younger sibling from being adopted) are on hold.  I cannot control the government, I know our case and I know I have nothing to worry about.  Birth mom is actually in a good spot now and she recognizes the girls are better with us.  But it does mean I have to adhere to more social worker visits and paper work for much longer than expected and I still can't post pictures.

My parental leave came to an end March 29th.  We spent the whole month getting the girls ready for Dad taking over (Mr Lina has been on parental leave since November).  2 days one week, 3 the next and all 5 days after March Break, Mr. Lina did the whole morning alone and I usually tried to find somewhere to be after school.  With social worker visits and therapy being as frequent as they are, the after school part didn't always work out, but it showed them he could do it.  The night before I went back to work, Spunk climbed up in my lap asking for "help" to finish the last few bites of food.  We used to do this all the time and she hadn't asked for weeks.  Mr. Lina asked what that was about and she said "Tomorrow is going to be a very tough day and I need extra cuddles from Mom."  Kudos to her for being able to articulate her feelings. 

My return to work lasted 2 hours.  I was given a severance package.  While I was off they sold the software I specialize in and my position was not there to return to.  Never mind the fact there are presently 5 openings I could fill in other divisions.  Not my problem, we're leaving that to lawyers.  For now, I will casually look for work and enjoy more time at home.

This past weekend, Clover's best friend had her birthday party.  Her dad travels for work a LOT so they have points up the wazoo so they book 2 hotel rooms in Toronto, let her bring 4 friends and essentially hang out in a hotel room for the sleep over.  Her mom asked me along.  I'm game for bonding with another mom who has known my daughter longer than I have and seeing Clover interact with old friends I don 't know myself.  I had to drive myself, there were 7 in total and their car holds 6.  I didn't mind the drive and paying for my own parking but I was wanting to go home with Clover, have a little time 1:1.  She wanted to go with her friends.

Rejection is the hardest part of living with Clover.  She does it over and over again.  In little things, like not eating brownies I made, not eating vegetarian food I made for her (she's the least healthy vegetarian I have EVER met, breadetarian would be more accurate).  She pisses Mr. Lina off by putting her feet on the kitchen table and leaving lights on.  The bigger deal you make of it, the more it happens. 

So I said I was disappointed but let her go in the other car.  I couldn't manage my own anger to turn it into a fun afternoon with her at that point.  It's not fun if she doesn't want to be there.

I went to Queen and Spadina and thought of past times shopping there.  I only bought one piece of linen (I have insane stash to work through still and Sunday is not a good shopping day), but I remembered the fun blogger shopping trips.  It was inspiring and calming and made me feel good.  I went to a European grocery store that is no longer convenient and stocked up on mulled wine tea and garlic sausage for Mr. Lina.  I went to Starbucks just so I'd have a cup to put in the recycling bin. 

Me petty?  Never. 

Not petty when I told her about staying in Toronto for a few more hours, how I forgot what kind of a great vibe there is around Queen West and times I spent there with Mr. Lina...

I also finished up a t shirt I cut out a week ago.  Just a clone of a retail shirt I have that I like, nothing crazy, pretty much a big rectangle  rayon knit that drapes nicely and is long enough for jeggings.  And don't you know I put it on this morning and slop egg yolk down the front of it.  I didn't even wear it for an hour before needing to wash it.  On the plus side, it is wearable, the yolk came out and I have cut out another shirt from navy modal I bought in 2012.

Not Dead Yet

Did I drop off the face of the earth or what?

It's been a crazy summer here.  I barely had time to visit the washroom alone never mind blog.  For the sake of privacy for the girls, this is probably going to be pretty vague.

So my girls, let me start there.  They are sisters, the older is 12 and the younger will be 5 at the end of November.  Think about that, what makes a 4 year old happy is miserably boring to the 12 year old.  Things the 12 year old want to do are either too mature in content or a disaster for a 4 year old (do they have to pack quite so many shiny things into Ardenes?).  They have been in care for almost 3 years.  I am Mom #4 to them.  It is amazing when I look back at posts I made as I was dealing with infertility and moving onto preparing myself for adoption through Children's Aid that I was right about so much.  And yet I still had no idea.

The older girl, Clover, she is stunningly beautiful, distant and chatty all in one.  She's got emotional walls that would make Helm's Deep look like cardboard.  She is a world of contradictions, pie is too sweet but a bag of skittles is okay.  Wants to be a vegetarian but eats bacon and pepperettes faster than Mr. Lina.  Her room will be strewn with clothing but every bit of Hunger Games is carefully placed in a shrine.  She has the teen age "I don't know" down to an art form.  She wants this family to work so much it makes my heart burst sometimes.  I see the fear around the edges when her sister is acting up, the "don't fuck this up for both of us" is strong.

The younger girl, Spunk, has two speeds, run and crash, and yet she has limited endurance and no skills to rest.  I have never met a child so easy to engage with, and that's half the problem.  Last week a neighbour had a new roof put on and she was treating these absolute strangers like family friends.  You do not want to tickle a roofer's armpits at the end of the day.  She is absolutely delightful and yet so full of rage, she doesn't know what to do with it.  I don't have the language or emotional IQ to discuss the abandonment and confusion she's feeling, she sure doesn't so it comes out in absolute melt downs.  She is exhausting.  There is caring that she should have experienced as an infant that she missed, so our almost constant play is some variation of baby.  Baby bird, baby puppy, baby kitten, etc. etc. etc., baby unicorn usually has a broken leg because Clover sprained her foot this summer and keeps reinjuring it.  The first time is cute and fun, but 3 months of baby play is exhausting.  You don't know how happy I was for a change when we played "salon" last week.

Most weeks, I have 1-2 therapy sessions (either for me alone, us together or Clover sees a different therapist on her own, one day I'll get the invite to join) and at least one social worker dropping by.  Really I have a team of 6 between social workers and therapists to lean on.  School starting is the best thing ever.  There is morning routine, I have two hours to myself (Spunk isn't ready for a full day just yet).  That's two hours to actually SEE a therapist without the added stress of coverage for the girls (keep in mind I have to keep their world small so they only know so many people), time to get groceries, chuck dinner in the slow cooker as dinner is the time most likely to have melt downs, I don't know,  have a bath, pee, call my parents.  School is wonderful.

We've seen so much change in Spunk.  In June, she didn't know where her arms and legs were, I thought she was going to die on the school playground, she really did fall off it.  Now, she has the upper body strength to do monkey bars.  She does it so much she's got a callus building on her palm.  She referred to us as mom and dad quickly, but not the way most kids mean it.  I was "the mom in the purple shirt", or she would ask me where my dad was meaning Mr. Lina.  In her mind, every house has a mom and dad, we were just the mom and dad here.  But now she will say things like "you are MY mom" and we make a big deal about the "ownership" of relationships.  She tries to repair with us when she screws up, this isn't something she's done with other care givers.  She will apologize unprompted and repeatedly.  Sometimes 3 days after she's hurt us she will ask if it still hurts and could she kiss it better again. 

Clover called Mr. Lina dad for the first time last night.  For a girl with thick walls and the ability to be stoic in any situation, letting that slip is incredible.  The changes in Spunk are measurable as she gains coordination, learns new skills (like rhyming), changes her behaviour.  In Clover, it's harder, she's incredibly independent.  A change for her is asking me to put nail polish on her last night.  She's learning to lean on us, to ask.

From a legal perspective, they are now available for adoption.  I don't really know what the time lines look like for lawyers and judges to do that.  I am not worried, it will happen when it's the right time.  The girls are just learning now we are sticking this out.  It's okay to have a little more time to prove that to them before Clover signs the papers that we are the parents she wants.

A little more detail

What a whirlwind.

Friday we were going to meet with our adoption worker and the girls (sisters, 12 and 4) social worker.  A chance to ask some questions, fill in some of the gaps in the inch of paper we had on them.  As much as we knew every dentist appointment, sometimes that level of detail leaves things out.

It was going to be maybe an hour or so of chit chat.  It turned into a 2+ hour meeting.

At one point the social workers said they would give us some time to think and discuss what we had learned that day and come to a decision if we wanted to go ahead, take a few days to talk.

Mr. Lina looked at me and said, I don't need more time, do you?

And nothing in that meeting made me change my mind.  Of anything, hearing about some of my concerns in context, my level of empathy increased.

Sure, they are going to be hard to parent.  Really hard.

But I can't stop smiling and giggling when I think of the  younger sister throwing daily temper tantrums.  It's going to happen.  I'm taking her away from the great foster mother she sees as "Mom".  I don't have the words to explain how terrified and happy I am right now, how can I expect a 4 year old to express the emotional mud she's feeling?  Of course it's going to come out as temper tantrums and battles for control over inconsequential things.  It's going to take some time and effort for her to see us as the people who will keep her safe.  But I can be stubborn too.

So we said yes.  Yes, please.  Let's do this.

And the social workers put on their poker face and left the room to discuss and apparently did a happy dance the minute they got into their office.

We're going to meet them this coming weekend.  The girls don't know yet, more notice isn't always a good thing.  They will need a lot of processing time, but a week of thinking about it prior to meeting us is just too much time for their imagination to make it even scarier than it is (and it's plenty scary).  We've put together a book about us to facilitate conversations with their social worker and their foster family.

I'm still full of a lot of unknowns.  I don't know when they will be officially placed with us (we're discussing that as a group tomorrow), I don't know their favourite colours or food, I don't know exactly when we'll meet them or how this transition is going to go.  I don't know what we are doing for parental leave but we both want time off to focus on making those connections.

I DO know the puzzle pieces of my family are falling into place.

Found 'em

So...  I might have found my kids.

We might have kids before July.

My heart is exploding and I can't sit still.

Many, many, many things will be happening over the next 6 weeks.

• Assembling a book about us to "sell" us to the kids
• Visits with the kids in their current home
• A weekend respite visit for their current foster family
• Our last training session
• Meetings with their therapist
• Hearing the results of psychological assessments that have recently been completed
• A whole lot of child bedroom furniture being assembled (keep in mind, we're starting from scratch not knowing how old the kids would be)

It all feels so right and terrifying at the same time.

I'm going to be a mom.

I'm going to have daughters.

I don't have the words, I really don't.

Let the summer begin!

I can't believe it's already May and a Canadian long weekend is here.  I'm still not used to writing 2015 yet (which is not helped that the software I use has been the "December 2014" version until a week ago).  We are off camping this weekend, our May long tradition.  The weather should be pretty good for May camping - today being the coldest day with a high of 18C and overnight low of 8C.  A chance of showers here and there but not a whole weekend of rain.  I can deal with that.

May has had some lovely weather.  It's well earned after that ever lasting winter.  This picture is from a week ago, all those trees have filled out since then  We put up a Manitoba flag in the back yard.  The previous owners had a short flag pole on the deck and it's made it feel a little more like ours.  We've been eating outside pretty much every night, admittedly sometimes with a little lap blanket as the temperatures are still cool in the evening.

This may be a bit of TMI, but anyone left reading after all the infertility crap should be used to that.

I never had a regular cycle and it became abundantly clear in all that treatment that I don't ovulate regularly.  So life without fertility treatments and hormones is the new "normal" for me.  Generally, it's pretty awesome not to have to worry about my period for weeks on end, but I'm sort of seeing the down side too.  When I do get my period, I am getting a pretty bad case of PMS, something I'm not really used to.  Two weeks out my breasts get heavy and sore.  Two freaking weeks.  And as those two weeks go by, my mood gets worse.  More apathetic, more likely to tear up at stupid things, less productive.  If I don't want to make dinner, sew or buy groceries, you can imagine how inclined I am to go to work.  And all this was at it's worst on Mother's Day - like one of the top 3 triggers for sadness and negative thoughts.

It is lovely to feel like myself again.

Fan-freaking-tastic.

Things are moving along on the adoption front.  We have an assigned worker and have a date in June to meet the whole team.  That isn't holding them back from presenting kids to us.  I can't talk about the kids, and I am not saying these are the ones, but we're at the point of making some pretty big and scary decisions.  It's pretty cool.

So now that I'm "ME" again, maybe after camping I can finish up the silk noil Hollyburn I cut out.

Trips & Travels & Pants

It's been quite the month.  Mr. Lina and I were off to Germany and Austria for a little film fest and vacation.  It's the third year in a row that Mr. Lina had a film accepted into the same Landshut film festival.  Every time we meet people in the film industry and reinforce friendships.  I swear, my Facebook page is half German now.  If I knew in 2012 that I'd be back to Germany 3 times, I would have taken a conversational German class.  As it is, we are getting pretty good at "menu-German".

Opening night, cloned skirt made in February.  Black photographs so well.

Did I mention I dyed my hair?  Wearing Renfew top with cowl.

Again, it was a good festival and his film "Oh Come All Ye Zombies" was well received.  It won it's block of films and came in second for audience favourite by a very narrow margin.  Year after year, their programming is just phenomenal.  He's up against some amazing films and we aren't exactly stacking the audience with cast members.

Mr. Lina at the film fest!

Same Renfrew as above at BMW.

Landshut is such a pretty little town.  Even going three times, we still got to see some new things.  The festival arranged a tour of the BMW component factory for us.  They don't hold back on the tour, I got to see engine blocks being poured and carbon fibre bumpers being made.  The also added a film maker breakfast, weistwurst (white sausage), bretzel (big soft pretzel) & beer, a traditional Bavarian breakfast.

That's a radler - beer (lager) and lemonade of some sort, very refreshing.  Pretty sure I have self-made pants you can't see.

We decided after the film fest we'd go somewhere new for a few days.  Vienna, Austria ended up being the winner, it's close enough to be cheap and yet still new to us.  I liked Vienna, it's very beautiful, compact and walkable.  We rented a one bedroom flat through AirBnB.  It was great, we could make breakfast at the flat, if we at a big lunch and just wanted nibblies for dinner, we could do that.  After being in a tiny hotel room in Landshut, it was nice to have a little more space.

Long day of walking, corduroy pencil skirt I made last year.

 The first full day we walked a crazy amount.  Through the old part of Vienna, over to the amusement park, went for a ride in their rather famous Ferris Wheel and Mr. Lina decided we should have lunch at the Donauturm on the Danube, sort of like their version of the CN Tower).  We didn't quite realize how far away it was and ended up walking 20 km that day alone.  Above I still had a few kilometers to walk to get to the flat and I needed to just sit for a bit.  Thank heavens those shoes are comfortable!

Did I mention it was windy at the top of the Ferris Wheel?

We did a day trip to Saltzburg.  It was pretty overcast and damp that day so I can't say I got the best impression.  We walked up to the castle that overlooks the town.  This is the area that The Sound of Music was filmed in.  It wasn't until we were taking the train back to Munich for our flight home that I really saw the alps clearly.

Walking to the castle in Saltzburg, never been so happy to be at the top.

Oh right, this is a sewing blog isn't it?  And I mentioned pants!  

Thurlow Trousers, lunch at the Rathaus in Vienna.

Yep, I made pants.  Since February I have made a black skirt and 3 pairs of Thurlow trousers.  The first were a wearable muslin where I figured out that the leg is just too wide for me.  I'm drowning in them as drafted.  Above I'm wearing the second pair, black twill that is shiny on one side that I put to the inside of the pants.  It means they slide nicely on my skin when I'm walking (which led to me being unable to sit still after too much beer and coffee).  This pair is a bit loose in the waist, but that makes them perfect for travelling and great for bowling.  I have full range of motion but feel put together.  I actually wore that exact outfit to work yesterday now that I look at it.

I made a third pair in grey, it's got some stretch and pile to it, but it's not quite corduroy.  After this pair being a little big, I trimmed them down further but I had such a problem getting the bum right.  Oddly enough I'm not quite as happy with them as the second pair.  I've also got a little post-vacation weight on me so I'm hoping some of that sorts out the fit.  I did wear them on vacation but the days I wore them Mr. Lina only seemed to take pictures from the waist up.  Perhaps he isn't as keen either.

On the adoption front, we're one meeting and an evening training session away from being "Adopt Ready".  I thought the meeting was going to happen today, but our social worker isn't quite ready for us to sign off on it.  He has reviewed our home study with his supervisor and I gather they are really eager to have all the i's dotted and t's crossed and working with an adoption worker to place kids with us.  So soon.  Soon.

Welcome to February

Where on earth did January go?  I swear I blinked and weeks had passed.

On the sewing front, I'm getting there.  I finally found my iron last week but I still haven't found my large self healing mat.  The little one, but not the big one.  The little mat is maybe helpful for a bra and that's about it and I'm not quite organized enough for making a bra.

I am, however, vaguely organized to sew a rectangle.  Large rectangles.  Like curtains.

They aren't quite finished.  I wasn't sure how well they would block out the sun and they were needed sooner rather than later because the blinds are useless.  Completely useless.  Not only are they ineffective at blocking sun, they provide no privacy.  Something I realized coming home from bowling when Mr. Lina had the light on in the bedroom and I could see everything from the street.  Not just the shape of my furniture, but the details too.  No wonder the neighbours are so friendly.  I put up a sheet that night, bought this fabric on the weekend, cut and turned the edges and we hung them up.  As it turns out, I do need a fairly heavy lining to block out the sun so I'm glad I waited rather than cheaping out assuming the fabric was heavy enough.

Mr. Lina also has me sewing rectangles for a green screen.  I'm less enthused by that as the fabric with the right shade of green is also rubber backed and freakishly heavy.  It looks like it was sewn by drunk monkeys because it's hard to pull the fabric in 9' panels evenly.  I refuse to sew more until he supports the fabric on the side.  It's just embarrassing how crooked it is.

Things are moving pretty quickly on the home study/adoption front.  Our adoption worker is such a good fit for us.  We share similar interests in folk music, he plays guitar, he's really made Mr. Lina feel comfortable.  We've had one meet & greet and our first visit (of 4-5) for the home study.  It's pretty intense, there aren't many skeletons left in our closets.  An hour and a half of talking (each, separately) about our childhood.  And it's not just what I say but how I say it.  Like he commented on how I talk about my dad, it's like I'm defending him when no one is attacking him.  I didn't realize I felt that way, like I needed to justify everything.  So strange.  That interview rattled around my head for a few days.  Still does I suppose.  We were scheduled to have our second meeting today but he is sick, so it's going to be next week.

Oh and we went to Montreal for a wedding.  Who gets married in Montreal in January when most of your family are in Manitoba?  Not the best time of year for travelling.  BUT, it was in the Plateau area, I bought 3 pieces of fabric without it being a hassle at all, and I'm so happy for the couple.  They really are well suited and just crazy enough for the other.  It was a wonderfully casual wedding with cocktail dresses for a dress code.

Emery board for scale, really they are all black/grey.

The fabric on the left is black and the light is accentuating the snake skin print, it s quite subtle in person (being black on black).  It's a knit, fairly stable but my plan is a skirt so just enough stretch for movement and comfort.  Actually all three have stretch, now that I think about it.  I didn't notice quite how much stretch was in the top right (and it is grey, not purple) "cloud" fabric until later because it's one directional.  I want to make it into a pencil skirt.  I'm doing more formal client meetings and I feel most professional in a skirt so I'd like to add some to my wardrobe.  Last is the cable knit sweater.  It's fairly heavy, black on the back.  I was thinking a snug sweater (I think it's thick enough to smooth over bumps) maybe like Renfrew, but it was the last 2m on the bolt and I took it all.  So maybe a dress now?  Snug and fairly short maybe, something that could be worn with opaque tights or leggings/skinny jeans.

Posting - at last!

Oh boy, how time flies.

I think I've started 4 posts in the past 5 weeks.  We'll see if this one sticks.  Maybe we'll go the easy route with a list...

• Move went well, it was a good call to hire packers and movers.
• My in laws arrived, helped and left, our relationship is still good and the weather stripping, locks and various other aspects of the house benefited from their visit
• The house is feeling like home.  I looked at a 401 West - London sign and my first thought was "home is that way" (not that I live in London but it's the next biggest city in that direction).
• I am still getting used to my new commute, I knew it would suck prior to moving and I was right.  It took nearly 2 hours to get into work today, this isn't going to last forever.
• Christmas was a little hectic and felt last minute but okay
• My SIL was a bit of a saviour, I "went in" on a lot of group presents which saved me some shopping and what shopping I did have to do was done in one night the Monday prior to Christmas
• We got roped into hosting a New Years Eve party, a Manitoba friend has moved to Montreal in the fall and he wanted to ring in the new year with us so a party was had
• Mr. Lina went a little crazy with moving, holidays, two colds and work, layer upon layer of crap to the point he really couldn't be flexible with any change, but I think he is returning to normal
• I miss Lazy Subcultural Girl, she once said that she and her husband had a deal that only one person was allowed up the crazy tree at a time.
• I spent December at the base of the crazy tree looking up.
• Christmas celebrations had lots of babies, my 2.5 year old neice, my two 8 month old nephews and my cousin is a dad, his son was 5 weeks at Christmas and slept pretty much the whole time (as you would expect) - next year will be crazy when those babies are all running.
• My niece likes me, deals were required to get her to stop playing and take some family pictures and part of the deal was sitting in my lap.  Best Christmas present by far.
• Her brother only has eyes for his mom and my dad, Papa is a-okay fine by him, the rest of us are suspicious and not to be trusted.
• I feel sad today and an odd mix of lonely and antisocial.  Probably a mix of not having team members here and 2 hours alone in the car driving in.

That about sums up December I suppose.  On with January!

January 2nd I got a call from Children's Aid, we have our first appointment with a social worker this Friday.  I'm thrilled and nervous all at the same time.  It's just an hour to meet and review our application and discuss our preferences for adoption, but it's a big first step.  I was kind of thinking that in January I'd call and just see where we were in their priority list... and now I don't have to.  

Wasn't that sneaky of me leaving the best for last?  And look at that I'm going to hit publish...

The Good Kind of Change

I've been living in some surreal world the past month.  After so much time of talking and planning and thinking and packing but accomplishing nothing... stuff happened.  Lots of stuff.  Life changing stuff.

And boy it sure feels good.

Every time I tell another friend or coworker about the house selling or the house we will be moving to, I feel a glow.  A smile I can't remove, a sparkle in my eyes and face that hasn't always been there.  A smile that isn't a fake it 'till you make it kind of smile that doesn't reach your eyes.

Building on the changes, yesterday I called Children's Aid in the region we're moving to.  A university friend of mine works there and she discreetly asked her adoption coworkers the best avenue for me to proceed and they recommended calling to let us know we were coming.  It's nothing too formal, but now we're on their radar.

It was a good conversation mostly about us - who we are, where we are at mentally, emotionally, how stable our life is  (well, the move is the definition of lack of stability but past that nothing is changing), what we're looking for, etc.  The application package is in the mail.  I felt like I had a good rapport with the social worker.  Typically the worker who takes your call is assigned your case, I am hoping that is the case because I think it's a good fit.  I am glad we took the PRIDE training already.  I had much better answers to his questions and perspective on the intention of the question than I would have without it.  From his perspective, we are seen as a more attractive potential parent because that step is already done.

It seems like a good time in my life for the song "Happy" to be played damn near everywhere.  I saw this video of it on the weekend and it is so powerful to me.  It's from Deaf Film Camp - Camp Mark Seven - and it's all in American Sign Language with subtitles.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Dot the I's and Cross the T's

The home inspection was yesterday and for a 29 year old house, it's in great shape.  A few things need dealing with, some sooner than others, but nothing is really all that bad.  All of our conditions on sale have now been met so the house is definitively ours on the 28th of November.

One odd thing the home inspection pointed out is that there isn't a heat vent into my sewing room.  It wouldn't be hard to add one because the furnace is on the other side of the wall.  I am not all that concerned.  I can leave the door open (there is a vent just outside the room) for air to circulate and once the iron is turned on, the room will warm up enough.  How often have I ended up sewing nearly naked with my hair pulled up because I was too hot?

Lately I am quick to tear up and terribly forgetful (like not taking sleeping bags, pillows, chairs or Mr.Lina's camera with us for Summerfolk).  Some of it is probably because this is a lot of change all at once.  Some of it is because I'm tired.  I didn't realize we would be buying a car and house when we got tickets for the Argo game and our usual Summerfolk weekend.  Some of the tears make complete sense, but it's still flowing a little easier than it should.

Small picture hides the slightly puffy eyes.

We bought a new (to us) car last week, 2012 Nissan Murano.  We bought it on Saturday after seeing our house the first time, picked it up on Thursday.  I loved my old Alero.  12 years and 341,000 km of memories.  It was the first car I purchased, 100% mine.  Mr. Lina was with me when I bought it, but he had no involvement in payments or picking it out.  I was either the driver or in the car for more than 300,000 km.  As excited as I was to buy a new car, it was hard leaving the Alero behind and I cried at the dealership (which shouldn't surprise me, I cried when I signed the purchasing papers for the Alero).  I forgot to bring my cheque book which made making the down payment more difficult than it needed to be.  Let's just say that I was a bit of a mess and the dealership probably thinks I'm a complete flake.  Even driving away, the Murano felt foreign, rather than exciting new, I felt insecure initially and resistant to the changes.

It crossed my mind as my eyes were welling up and spilling over about how hard any change is and that this is a moment to remember when I adopt.  When I am matched with my kids, it's going to be such a happy event for Mr. Lina and I.  But it's not quite the same happy event for the kids, it's just one more change in a life of uncertainty.  I don't think they are going to believe us (or the social workers) when we say it is their forever home, that kind of trust and attachment takes time.  The happy part of being told they will live with us will likely be a suspicious happy.  It is okay to be sad about the good byes, good even.  If I'm confused enough to have tears and complicated feelings over a car, imagine how hard that turmoil is to express when you are 6, or 4 or 2.  I'm not sure there is enough crayons out there to express and explore those complicated feelings - where to put the sad part while everyone around you seems to be so very happy and appear to expect you to be happy too.

Now for more change.  It's time to do the last bit of work to list our house.

Home

Home is often a feeling more than a space.  Every time I've looked for somewhere to live - be it renting, buying or even picking a university - I've felt that connection to the space.  I swear, three steps off the bus when touring my university, I knew it was home even if I couldn't explain why.

We've seen oh, 6 houses so far.  Not so many to be tired of the process, just enough to have a good sense of what is available.  There were houses I liked, houses Mr. Lina liked, aspects of every house we liked... but none said home.

Saturday, we found a house I could see my kids running around in, playing tag or catch in the back yard.  I could see me cooking and entertaining, talking to friends while the last appetizers were coming out of the oven.  Mr. Lina could see where his desk would go, where he could move from bottling home brew to storing kegs and building a bar, my non-team sport playing husband even mentioned that the back yard was big enough for a football game.  I would claim the basement office as my sewing room - laminate flooring, HUGE closet, a window and good lights.  My mom sews in the basement, I see the advantage of kids playing within ear shot.

But it was more expensive than what we had seen.  While I knew it was within reason, it was enough we wanted to sit with a calculator and double check.  Fortunately, the market we're going to is cooler than what we're leaving so not all decisions have to be made the day of listing.  We arranged to go back last night.  We also asked to see other houses of a similar size and price to see what the competitive set was like.

First house was lovely.  On paper, better even.  Newer windows, very well cared for, finished basement, beautiful gardens, $20K less...  and yet I wasn't happy.

Second house was the same floor plan as Saturday but 190 sq ft smaller - slightly smaller living room and master bedroom but still big enough.  I didn't like it at all.  Honestly, their real estate agent is not doing them any favours letting them show the house with lights missing or out, finger prints on the walls, furniture blocking traffic flow...  Where the first house was well maintained and loved, this one wasn't cared for and it showed.

And then we went back to our Saturday house and it felt like home.

From the minute we pulled into the driveway, I felt comfortable.

Happy.

Home.

So I'm now in the limbo where we put in an offer and are waiting for their response.  I figure there will be some back and forth on price and while I'm okay with that, we can't get into a bidding war that goes above asking.

But my heart feels good about this.

Blink!

When we drove through small towns, my mom would always say "Don't blink or you'll miss it".  I kind of feel like every time I blink, time is flying by.

Let's see...

• Had someone come and clean my house.  
• I can pack or clean, not both.  
• Best money I've spent in a long time, selling the house now seems feasible.
• I had no idea how many patterns I actually had.  
• The box I thought might be half full of patterns and have space for notions was overflowing.
• Real estate agent says houses in my area sell on average in 14 days, many sell in 4 days.
• We're going to buy the house we want, have a 75-90 day close, then list our house.
• We looked at 4 houses last week, they were all good but not quite right for us. 
• Side rant on floor plans.  How can a house can have 1,000 sq ft more than my house and I am not sure where I'd fit some of my furniture?  Why would two of three bedrooms need walk in closets?  And come to think of it, the second closet touches the third bedroom wall, they could have made smaller (yet still walk in - yes it's that big but perhaps too narrow for a 4th bedroom) closets for both rooms.
• Still haven't bought a car, but we've narrowed down what we're looking for.  We set aside Sunday to look at cars and then found out the dealerships that we wanted to go to were closed.  Oops.
• So we had my parents, brother, SIL and nephew over for dinner instead of looking at cars.  It all worked out well, nice impromptu dinner party.
• We've gone to two 40th birthday parties in two weeks.  Those milestone years are just one party after another, and you find out which friends are a year older than you.  :)
• I've also had strep throat.  I thought I had a cold courtesy of my two sick co-workers.  Clearly I'm not a doctor.
• Lots of time with Mr. Lina.  

August 21st will be our 10th anniversary.  Talk about blink and you'll miss it.  I feel like it was a couple of years ago that I was putting on my big white dress and dancing our first dance.  Maybe last year that we celebrated 5 years.  And yet, the days pre-Mr. Lina seem a bit faded and distant.  The past oh... month I guess, it's been a bit of a throw back to our dating days.  I suspect part of it is knowing that with moving to another community and kids to follow after that, our "family of two" time is coming to an end.  We've gone out dancing, we've been on real dates in new locations, we've been talking a lot.  I've found myself telling stories about when we were dating, some of the silly things we did in that rush of a new relationship.  Even at one of the 40th birthday parties, I was telling the birthday-wife our "how we met" story since she's only known us as a couple.  Even in Manitoba we were talking about how it will be different - from the practicalities of where do we sleep to how we'll visit with friends.  When we're in Brandon, we often go to a friends place or a pub and enjoy a tipsy walk home at 2am.

It is going to be different, not to say bad, just different.  We are appreciating the good parts of being a couple at the moment, the benefits of our current home, and it's like that new relationship excitement over the changes to come.

Ah... Vacation...

Well that blog break was a bit longer than intended.  We spend two weeks visiting Mr. Lina's family in Manitoba.  Very restful, saw lots of friends and family.  Prior to that, work got well... crazy.  It has been a while since I worked that many nights past 7pm.  So, not much time for writing.  Nor packing for that matter.

But, we're back now.  

And life is still busy.  My car really does need to be replaced - sooner the better.  I'm not putting more money into it and now another light has come on that I don't want to fix.  Our real estate agent is coming over tomorrow night to talk about moving.  Tonight is going to be a lot of "chuck things in boxes" so there is less clutter when he tours the house.

It's kind of scary to be honest.

I think I haven't written since we returned because I'm a bit scared.  I'd rather spend time hiding from all this change rather than embracing it.  I had Mr. Lina work with me on packing up my sewing room.  Not that he did much, but having him there kept me calm and focused.  I get side tracked by little things from high school or medical receipts for the clinic.  

As tempting as it is to look at potential new houses (online, not in person just yet) and we all know how much I want to be a mom, change is pretty scary.

On the weekend I went to a birthday party for a university friends' husband.  While I do know him, I don't really know his friends and family.  Two other girls from the group came and we stuck together.  I've been a bit of a hermit.  I'm the only one of that group without kids now, while I want to hear about their kids for about 5 minutes, it just feels... stressful to see them.  And sometimes it's sad when I leave.  Not that much has been going on as large group, but I haven't even been reaching out to them at all.  It was good to catch up with two of them and we actually talked more about ourselves than their kids.  Kind of refreshing really and a good reminder that I liked them before they had kids and that friend is still in there.

One of my friends is a social worker in the region we're looking to move to.  She doesn't deal with adoption, but she will know the social workers that I will be working with (when we get there) and generalities of adoption in that region.  It was really good and it brought up all the excitement I've been kind of hiding under the pressure to get the house listed etc.  

Anyhoo... I am alive, I'm doing okay.  We are almost there.

We hosted Charlie A'Court back in March.  Charlie really is that mix of musician AND entertainer.  Charlie is good one-on-one, he and my Australian friend had some banter in the show, he knows how to play to his audience and he is a talented guitarist.  It was one of the most FUN shows I've ever hosted.  Prior to the show, we were talking about what to expect from our audience.  It was a Saturday night, I said I was relaxed as far as start/end times went, odds are a board game of some sort would break out after the show because people would stay.  And I introduced him to Cards Against Humanity as the game most likely to be played post show.

In short, Cards Against Humanity is a question and answer game.  One person draws a question/phrase (some are fill in the blank), each player has 10 answer cards in their hand, they pick the most amusing.  The person asking the question picks their favourite and that person asks the next question.  Some cards are tame, some are, well... not.  Some phrases that sound pretty tame on their own are not when paired with the wrong question.  Also, there is a "Canadian Conversion Kit" with answers like Tim Hortons, Mr. Dressup, The Official Languages Act/Loi sur les langues officielles, etc....  So something normal like "_____ keeps our relationship exciting" isn't too crazy a question, but sounds worse when the answer is "Ooompa Loompas" or "Mr. Dress-up".  I've had moments in this game where my brother couldn't speak because he was laughing too hard.  

We ended up playing that game until 4 or 5 am on time change weekend (I think 4, but with spring forward that makes it 5).  I sent a very tired Charlie to his next house concert with perhaps 6 hours of sleep.

So you can imagine how amused I was to see that one of the options in his crowd funding for his next album is Cards Against Humanity cards written by Charlie.  Or you can buy the game AND the cards.

It's pretty cool that not only am I being impacted by hosting musicians, but it sometimes leaves an impression on them too.  I can't wait for our cards to arrive.

Adoption Training - Take 2

Last week I tired to blog about the PRIDE training class and well, it didn't work so well and I scrapped that post and wrote another.  That's not a bad thing, writing without posting still means I did some thinking and I liked the post I ended up with.  But let's try again...

We were given a binder for the course.  I kid you not, the paper in it is bigger than the width of my hand.  It's a whole lot of information being thrown at us.  Fortunately, we're not expected to sit there and read the whole thing, we aren't turning page by page during the course.  It's more for reference (and has "homework" sheets), but it really highlights how much territory there is to cover.  Some of it is technical or legislative in nature (did you know that what became the first Children's Aid Society was actually a branch from the Humane Society?  The Humane Society mandate was initially for children and animals), some of it is focused on the child's perspective of what they experience and how that changes their needs.  Guess which part is more interesting?

I read a few blogs about adoption - particularly Stellar Parenting and The Accidental Mommy.  They don't post all that often at the moment, they are busy moms and it's hard to write about this stuff.  Both do a great job of balancing their need for family privacy, but letting you know it's not all sunshine and rainbows.  I'm left with a positive perspective of adoption, they fight hard for their kids, there are rewards for that.  Through the PRIDE training, I found myself relating a lot of what they were saying to things those women experienced - be it the kids life prior to adoption or their behaviour or how the parents dealt with the behaviour.  Honestly, I found myself nodding a LOT in class because of their openness.

The session on attachment was naturally interesting.  Attachment is the trust that makes the parent-child bond strong.  Ideally, children know that their parents will provide for them - be it food, clothing, attention, love, they know it will be there.  As infants, they learn about the world through experience - I was hungry, I cried, someone fed me, isn't the universe great?  If there is inconsistency, the baby doesn't know that you're busy, or asleep (or drunk or high, or absent as the case may be), they just know that the world doesn't always provide, and they don't learn to trust that you're going to be there for them.  Makes sense when you think about it like that.

I initially thought of attachment as a binary system - you are or you aren't attached to an individual.  But it's actually a spectrum.  Sure there are strong attachments, but I think lots of us have insecure attachments for very normal reasons.  How can a mom of multiple kids be there every time a baby cries?  That doesn't make her a bad parent.  Some parents were advised to let their babies cry to make them independent.  That can also make the child less likely to ask for help and more likely to feel unsure that others are going to say yes.  I can see that in myself.  I LOVE helping others, but I have to feel really secure to ask people for help.

When I was a little girl, I capitol-L-loved Strawberry Shortcake.  For my birthday, maybe around Grade 3 or even 5 (I doubt Grade 4 because I had chicken pox), I was given Strawberry Shortcake talc that smelled (naturally) like strawberries.  I was thrilled and next time I went to the bathroom, I took it with me and dusted away.  My mom's best friend (I called her aunt kind of friend) asked me if I used the talc and said no.  I really don't know why.  It was an obvious lie, I would have reeked of strawberries and probably had white talc somewhere on my hands or clothing.  And doesn't it show appreciation for a gift to rush off and use it?  I remember this moment so well, where we were standing, how I felt...  My answer wasn't driven by logic, it was a fear she'd take it away from me.  Totally irrational, I have no idea why I felt so compelled to lie.  The risk of losing that talc was more than I could deal with.

When I look back on that now, what I find interesting is that lie came from such an emotional place for such a foolish thing.  The training course and (even more so) the home study are intended to make you look at yourself.  Learn what kind of attachment you have, what kind of parenting lessons you learned from your parents.  I wonder where that moment came from.  Why couldn't I trust that someone wouldn't take it away from me?  Why did I feel so strongly about protecting my beloved strawberry scented talc?  Is that how lying feels when you don't trust the universe to provide?  Is this at all related to how challenging I find it to ask for help?

Don't take this as an admission I have a poor attachment to my parents or they did anything wrong at all.  All I'm saying is all of our relationships are complicated.  Why would it be any simpler between parents and children?  I find the prospect of looking back with this lens interesting.

Out of the first half of the class, Mr. Lina in particular felt very positive.  A lot of the tricks to creating attachment with children are things he does instinctively with children who are hesitant.  Like letting kids set the rules to a game or imaginative play, or making them talk to you by explaining an activity.  As an example, Minecraft.  It's a computer game that seems to be taking off based on the references I see around me.  Mr. Lina plays it from time to time, but it scales down to children by changing the settings so there are more resources readily available and fewer ways to kill your character (at least as I understand it).  The game came up as an interest of a friends daughter and Mr. Lina had her explain it to him as if he didn't know much about it at all.  Which is true.  He knows how to play from a technical stand point, but an 8 year old girl has different objectives and strategy than a grown man so they don't play the same way.  You can see how an insecure child would get wrapped up talking about the game and forget she was feeling insecure.  Dialogue starts and it gets easier from there to build rapport.  Or how about Mr. Frog-a-Lina?  He wasn't setting the rules for play, he was following the cues from the kids and letting them drive where it went.

I've always had more confidence in his ability to parent than he has in himself.  But I'm his wife, like your Mom, I'm suppose to be supporting him.  To hear a social worker say X, Y, and Z are good things to do and realize that at some level, he does it, that has more impact.

And we're only half way.  We'll see what this weekend brings.

Writing Styles & Swirling Thoughts

One fabulous thing about blogs is that we each have our own voice, our own focus, our own style.  If you read back to early posts for a lot of bloggers, they don't sound quite the same.  I think it's because we ease into our writing style.

Sometimes, I write from the heart.  I am not saying it doesn't need editing or polishing, but it just... flows.  I miss that.  It was actually easier to write like that about infertility.  I don't feel that way very often.

Sometimes I have thoughts, but it's stuck between my head and my fingers.  When I write, excessive amounts of detail come through to the point it sounds like a play by play my life.  I don't think that's good reading.  Quite often I can trim these posts down to something manageable, removing sections, summarizing others.  

Sometimes I just start again.

Guess which day today is?

I have thoughts, big thoughts, swirling thoughts.  We started our 27 hours of parenting training required to adopt in Ontario.  Half of it was last weekend, we get this weekend off and then we wrap up June 7-8.  I can't seem to stop talking about what I've learned, what I see in other peoples relationships, what I see in myself.

But it's not coming out right.  And even when I trim my novel of a post down, the focus of the story isn't there.  Possibly because the class is only half way done.  

It's all straggly little trees of facts, without the forest of a story.

That's frustrating because this is exactly the kind of place I want to sort these swirling thoughts out.  I learn about my own thoughts while writing for my blog by looking at all those details and trees and try to find the theme, the basis of what I am thinking.  What the forest is.

So, part of this forest includes:

• We're on the right track.
• We have good instincts.
• All of my reading, thinking and observing has paid off.
• Dealing with the losses as they came was a good thing, I am ready for this.

Hopefully I can connect a few more dots and speak about my experiences without sounding like a lecture on attachment and parenting like I spewed all over my mom and my brother and his fiance and my coworker and....

Not-So-Fun Mom

Last weekend was a long weekend in Canada - Victoria Day.  We did the usual for us, camping with almost 30 people.  It was a bit chilly this year but mostly dry.  If you dress right, cold is manageable, but cold and wet is miserable.  I didn't pack quite enough extra blankets so it was a bit cold over night on Friday.  Thankfully we camp close enough to home I could pop back and pick up some flannel sheets so we were toasty the rest of the weekend.

The down time was good but certainly had some challenging moments.  Some friends camp with their kids, others just drop by for an afternoon, this year there were anywhere from 5-12 kids running around ages 10 right down to a visiting baby.  The one challenge with this kind of extensive time with other peoples kids is that I get a little annoyed with some of them.  It becomes clear to me, I'm not going to be a fun mom.  I'll be a good mom and there will be lots of love and fun moments, but I'm not going to be a fun mom.  My kids are going to hear no, and I am going to mean it.  When I read about adoptive parenting, I see the need for consistent and firm parenting.  I suppose with longer exposure to other families while camping, I see what happens when any child doesn't get that.  When no means maybe, or not yet, or someone else will say yes.  I see the manipulation that goes on and how often the kids win when no doesn't mean no and it irritates me over the weekend. 

Sunday afternoon, I was making dinner.  Jambalaya in my cast iron dutch oven on the fire.  It's a bit fussy only because it's hard to tell just how hot the coals/pot are but I'm getting better with practice and burning the bottom less.  I brought little silicone pot holders with me to the fire, they look like frogs and worked pretty well with the hot cast iron.

From Cilantro Cooks

Mr. Lina was wearing my pot holders and chasing kids around the camp site while the jambalaya simmered.  It was pretty funny as he stomped around snapping the frogs open and shut.  One of the (non-chasing) kidlets asked me for s'mores.  I'm not sure what made her think I was the owner of any marshmallows, chocolate or graham crackers as I watched my dinner cook.  I said no, she should ask her dad.  Which is also the answer I gave when asked if she could have a drink the previous day, and when asked for a snack earlier in the day.  You see the pattern?  She wandered off and came back with a huge bag of marshmallows (which I'm pretty sure did not belong to her family) and pestered me again to make her s'mores.  She wasn't the only kid around, another parent was giving his 3 kids popcorn as a post-dinner snack (hoping salty snacks would make for better bed time than sweet).  The middle kid (about 3 I think) in that family had been the focus of the Mr. Frog-a-Lina chasing and wanted in on the marshmallows, more because Mr. Frog-a-Lina was there and they wanted to feed the frogs popcorn and marshmallows.  At this point, Mr Frog-a-Lina got silly about the desire for popcorn s'mores, knowing I did not pack any of the required ingredients and could not fulfill what he was asking me to do and in my head I wasn't sure how well hot melted marshmallow, chocolate and popcorn were going to work on small fingers.  The popcorn wasn't going to offer much protection from the hot parts.  I got tired of  being pestered for stuff they should ask their parents for and knowing that at least one father probably didn't want his kids having popcorn s'mores and my inability to actually do what they (or I) wanted to do, and I lost it on Mr. Lina.  

Thus popping the bubble of happy fun time for Mr. Frog-a-Lina and the kidlets.  

We went for a walk so I could get away from the s'mores insanity and apologize for my behaviour.  I knew I was snapping at Mr. Lina because he was there and an easy target compared to the kids that weren't mine to discipline.  I don't lose my cool often so it has more impact when I do (at least on Mr. Lina, I don't think the kids were all that phased).  A few tears were shed and oddly not by me.  Mr. Lina loved running around and being silly, but it was also leaving him feeling sad that those weren't his own kids he was chasing after.  And boy, do I understand that.  Popping that happy bubble was pretty bad timing.  

After a little walk around, we went back to the site, we had dinner.  I had a little alone time while I changed into warmer clothing for the evening and prepped the tent for bed time.  Mr. Frog-a-Lina returned for more chase, with even more kids involved.  I could hear him (and the kids laughing) 4 sites down as I walked to the washroom.  I ended up with a 3 year old frog-chaser snuggling up with me as the sun was setting.  Not surprisingly, Mr. Lina fell asleep at the fire at dark o'clock (camping is not about clock watching).  Who knew pot holders could be such great exercise?  And did you know they come in monkeys and dogs and pigs and roosters...

Bad times make the good times better

Nothy left this comment in my last post, "bad times make the good times better". That is a concept that Mr. Lina and I have been talking about. But let me give you some context of our conversations.

We're pretty avid watchers of "The Critter Room". Foster Dad John (FDJ) fosters cats (and lately kittens) and he has a web cam showing the room so you can see most of the antics they get up to all day. Considering we are both allergic to cats and Mr. Lina adores cats, I thought this would be good for him. It seems to be backfiring but that's a story for another day.

Most of his foster families are a stray cat who is found pregnant, she has her kittens at the shelter and then they go to FDJ. Sometimes it takes a little while to gain the trust of the mama cat but she's usually pretty happy when she figures out that her kittens are safe and there is food available. The last two litters have been a little different.

From Critter Room Facebook Page

The "Artificial Intelligence" fosters were GlaDOS and her son Hal. Another cat had a HUGE litter of kittens 5 days after Hal was born and it was decided that maybe GlaDOS could take care of a couple of them so it was easier on the other mama cat. Apparently GlaDOS went over to Holly, Jarvis and Eddie, sniffed them a bit and sort of said "oh that's where you went to" and brought them over to Hal. She was a very good mama cat and she's now adopted with Holly.

So there were some conversations about adoption and how sweet it was to see GlaDOS not caring if they were her kittens or not, these were little guys who needed a Mom.

Foster Dad John (FDJ) had a long break without kittens. It was kind of driving Mr. Lina a little crazy but most of the kittens from his litters have Facebook pages so we still got our kitten fix seeing how everyone was adapting to their new families.

GlaDOS and Holly have a Facebook page.

With this litter, the Pixar kittens (Dory, Sully and Dash), it's the first time since we started watching that they weren't tiny little kittens. Dory and her boys were found under a barn, she's a bit more feral than other mama cats that we've seen and she was REALLY skittish. The boys were already 8 weeks old, about the age we usually see them adopted. Dory was rarely seen on camera the first few days, she ran from FDJ and would come out briefly for food. When she was fixed at the shelter, they docked her ear because they weren't sure if she would be adoptable and the docked ear indicates she's been spayed. FDJ had to put a screen shot up of Dory so we'd know who to look for.

Dory in the middle, Dash left corner, Sully sleeping on the catcave. Link

Not only was she not sure about FDJ, she was also pushing her kittens away from her - what good feral mama cats do when her milk has dried up and it's time to move on. She would hiss at the kittens and sometimes swat if they came close to her. It was hard to see and the kittens were pretty confused.


But with patience, and slowly trusting that the room was safe, food was always available, she's really blossomed. She loves rubs from FDJ, runs to the door when she hears him. It's very sweet. Yesterday she even rolled onto her back to get some belly rubs. She plays with her kittens now that she knows they don't have to leave. FDJ figures she probably had a home, she responds to human things like rubbing fingers, but she probably spent the last two years on her own.

Such progress

So going back to Nothy... Bad times make the good times better. We've had a few moments that made us a little leaky with Dory. Seeing the first time she rubbed up against John, or when she forgot to be afraid and briefly showed her belly for the first time. Each of these things if done by other mama cats would be cute but not remarkable. With Dory, it means so much more.

If all goes well, the kittens will be adopted on Feb 22nd. They have been deemed a bonded pair and won't be separated. Dory would not do well with all the noise and confusion at a PetSmart for an adoption event. Instead, FDJ is going to personally take her to her family and show them how to win her over.

One aspect of adoption I struggle with is drawing up the list of what I want. I wouldn't do this if the child was biologically mine. I'd take what I was given by genetics. But with adoption, we need to decide on ages and challenges we can deal with and those that we can't. I struggle with finding the limit because my heart wants any children, but there are physical and developmental issues that would mean I'm not the right mom for that child. Mr. Lina struggles from having confidence in his own parenting that he could rise up to the challenges. His list limits where mine extends too far.

But he found himself thinking about adopting Dory (not really as she lives in Washington State). He thought he could find the love to overcome her challenges and be patient with her and how rewarding a head boop would be from a cat that had been so skittish.

And then he thought, if I could for a cat, why not for a child? I know there are miles of differences between a cat who could happily live in the corner of a bedroom and a child that needs to interact with the world, but it's facilitated a few conversations. Conversations that can be kind of scary.

Oops

Once again, I've had a lapse in blogging.  It's not been intentional, I think I've been too tired to write.  When I do write, I seem to be too close to the events going on and it becomes like reading my day planner.  Not really the look I'm going for, you know?  So a few highlights...

Mr. Lina filmed another Post-Lifer film, "Oh Come All Ye Zombies".  This is going direct to YouTube, hopefully prior to this Christmas.  I did a few things:

• Shirt for a female zombie
• Appliqued humping reindeer onto a sweater for Humphrey (Mr. Lina)
• Yarmulke for Humphrey
• Food for cast & crew for the Sat/Sun

From a sewing perspective, all went well.  The shirt fit, Mr.Lina decided to use my (IMO) crappy first yarmulke not the second larger yarmulke (the down side of not being there for the first day of filming), but he seemed happy.  Food was well received, but there were a few glitches from my perspective.  The first being how exhausted it made me to do it.  The problem with craft services is that you're up prior to the first people going into make up (so they can eat breakfast) and I didn't stop moving until the evening.  I was being pushed to have a nap by one of the producers/actors and when I didn't listen to him because dinner had to get in the slow cooker if they wanted to eat before 9pm, he sicced the director on me.  I did have a nap once dinner was in the slow cooker.  Thank heaven I did.  Filming wrapped up at 10pm, it was 2am by the time I was home in my own bed.  Going to work the next day was painful.

The problem with being so busy is that I didn't get pictures of the actress nor Humphrey.  I did ask someone (with a much better camera) to take pictures for me, but it hasn't been shared around yet.  So I'll blog more about that when those arrive.

So I WAS sewing, but since the film shoot, I've just been exhausted. 

From more personal perspective...

I'm doing okay.  No sadness, no tears, no wonky emotions, no lamenting about lost opportunities.  I am slowly adjusting to the need to move, the more I say it I suppose the easier it gets, but there are still people I hedge around discussing moving with.  I just don't feel quite that comfortable yet.  We are looking online at houses for sale and saying a few "what if's".  Mr. Lina has priced out a storage unit and we'll be setting that up in the next week so we have a place (other than the fairly full garage) to move things that we don't need in the house. 

I've also been emailing a coworker who adopted his daughter through a foster to adopt program in another province.  It's been really good to hear about his experience and how quickly it went for him once they got the ball rolling.  He's also been encouraging not to rush.  He saw couples that went through infertility treatment prior to adoption who were clearly still struggling with closing that door.  It's good advice from someone who has been there. 

For those of you who like cooking with a slow cooker and like pork, I highly recommend this recipe.  I roughly followed the recipe, probably less salt and more cayenne, ground cumin instead of seeds... but I didn't significantly change anything except the orange juice.  We don't drink a lot of juice so I don't buy a lot of juice.  I do buy tetra packs of "fun" juices for punches when it's on sale so oddly enough I had mango juice but not orange.  Feedback from the 20 odd people I fed was very positive.  People were going back for thirds.

Procrastination

As mentioned, we had the basement and hallways painted.  This required furniture to be moved and while some stuff went to the garage, the rest was moved around the room or into other rooms.  I figured while the furniture was away from the walls, it was a good time to borrow my parents steam cleaner and get to the carpets that haven't been seen in 9 years.  Until last night, there wasn't even a spot in the house where 3 people could sit together that wasn't a bed.

This is a long winded way to say I (we) have a lot of things to move and decide to pack or not pack and I don't really want to do it.

So what is a procrastinator to do? 

ANYTHING else.

And how have I filled my time?

1. Sorbetto #3 (I think it needs back darts, it's a bit puffy and I need pictures to blog)
2. Sorbetto #4 (I do have pictures but not with me at the moment)
3. Toronto Sewing Meet Up on Saturday (and I need pictures to do this justice, short version was that it was a whole lot of fun, so great to meet other bloggers and readers!)
4. Complete addiction to the game Dominion (seriously awesome card/deck building game, Mr. Lina should not have told me about the on line version)
5. Sewed up the fabric I bought at King Fabrics into an A line skirt
6. Wore said skirt to work and lawn bowling (a team event which necessitated light coloured clothing and I have come to realise I don't wear a lot of white)
7. Walks with Mr. Lina
8. Massive amounts of dusting as furniture was moved
9. Sneezed.  I know this is odd to include in a list of things I've done, but I'm sneezing a lot, clearly ragweed season is starting.

I think to get anything done I have to think of something else that I want to do even less. 

I am seriously happy with my white skirt.  Believe you me, I'll be posting about it because there are things that I like about it that make Mr. Lina's eyes glaze over.  I am very pleased by the construction and I find myself thinking about another one and the changes I'd make and what fabric I have in my stash that would work better.  I've already trimmed down the pattern pieces where I think it needed tweaking.  It's just calling my name to try that tweak out.

This is more of a note to myself but... I seem to have a new sleep issue.  Not only am I now an occasional sleep walker and talker (which I haven't done in a while now), but we can add humming to the list.  Twice this week I've woken up Mr. Lina.  Although he tells me the second time it was a ghost humming the tuneless song of its people from my side of the bed.  I appreciate he tried to make it funny.  Googling tells me it's not an issue to my health, but I don't like that it's waking Mr. Lina up.

You know what I'm not?  Sad.  At all. 

Friday night we went to see some very good friends.  On the drive there (about 45 min) I was telling Mr. Lina about some fanstasic Excel-fu I unleashed at work that day.  He doesn't use Excel so most of this was going way over his head and I knew it, but I had to share my pride in making it work.    And then he said it was good to see "Chatty Sera" back again.  I'm a talkative person, to the point when I'm quiet, he worries and is quick to assume I'm angry.  I've been quiet a lot the past few years.  From my perspective, I simply did not have much to say, certainly nothing that was exciting to bubble out of me.  He sees the change.

On Friday morning we met with our fertility doctor for our review of the last FET.  I figured it would at the very least give us closure with the clinic.  I have mentioned that our doctor takes my losses personally, like he should be able to "fix" this problem and I keep stumping him.  He even offered us an IVF cycle for free if I don't make it to 12 weeks of pregnancy.  And we politely declined.  It's not money making me stop, I don't want to do that again.  I appreciate the offer, but it didn't even feel tempting.  I think that's a good sign that I really am honestly good with this.  I'm on the right path and I know it.

Quite likely, there are children out there right now that are going to call me mom.  This has all been part of the journey that is going to make us the right parents for them.

Check In

I have started posting a couple of times and I'm still struggling to find the right words.  I have so many trees that I'm struggling to see the forest.  Just so this isn't totally pictureless, I'm going to add a few vacation pictures from our time in Manitoba.  I came back to "bad things" and didn't really get to talk about our vacation.  It was very restful but I look tired in every picture.

In general, I'm doing quite well.  I've been able to focus at work most of the time.  I'm not a teary mess prone to negative thoughts, nor a complete space cadet (although I did leave my purse at home on Thursday).  I can see a little anger poking through now and again through sarcasm or self depreciating humour, but it's little peeks, not full blown craziness. 

Does this look like someone who slept 10 hours?

Physically, things are also good.  I pretty much fit back into my old bras.  The bruises on my abdomen are pale brown, if they were elsewhere you might think I missed a spot with sunscreen and have a strange tan line.  I somehow lost a little weight.  That has helped with my body acceptance.  I don't feel fat on top of not speaking to my uterus and I fit into another pair of pants.  I'm about 10lbs down from my high weight and looking at my book of measurements, my waist is the same size as it was in 2007 (granted it was an inch smaller in 2010, I still have a little ways to go).  I don't really have the resources to focus on weight loss, I'd just like to continue making wiser choices and keep an eye on my portion sizes.  I'm not in a rush and this seems to be working.

I am struggling to do some things I would have avoided while pregnant.  I guess to do some of these things I really have to be okay that it's done.  Really done-done.  This is where I see a little disconnect.  I'm not sad, I can talk about what happened and adoption, and yet I can't seem to accept a diet Coke or a glass of wine.  I am easing into these things and trying not to make a big deal of it either way (neither beating myself up for not being ready nor forcing myself to do it).  I'll get there.  I've had a few sips of Mr. Lina's beer and is it really such a bad thing to not have artificial sweetners?  Weight loss sure is easier if I'm not drinking a bottle of wine.

Mr. Lina is doing a little better too.  Not that we've talked much about the loss specifically, but we both seem to feel like we've said as much as we can on the previous losses and we are able to talk about what's next.  He is starting to say things that he will miss because we won't experience a new born baby.  It's a start.  When I went to see our therapist I went on my own.  I was worried at first she would think things weren't good with us, she's often commented on the strength of our relationship.  But she agreed with me, if he wasn't ready to talk to her, that's okay and it was okay for me to come on my own.  I'm pretty sure he's coming with me on Thursday for the second appointment.

Moving onto adoption is a big domino to over turn.  We had already said we would need to move, so naturally that's next on the to-do list.  (Side note, it's not Children's Aid Society/Family & Child Services (CAS/FACS depending on the region) that would require us to move, but this isn't our "with-kids-forever-house" and it's not fair to adopt siblings and realize 3 days in that there isn't enough space and putting them through more upheaval.  I'm not giving up my sewing room.)  I'm not sure how ready I am for that.  It's making me more likely to pitch things while cleaning up, but it's moving that makes me feel overwhelmed when I really think about it.  I'm not sure where we should go to, which employers we should focus on when picking a location, it's a lot to juggle and I don't like ruling out options.  Not to mention 9 years of crap in the house that needs to be dealt with.  I've packed up two clear 62L bins of fabric.  It sounds like a lot but it still leaves lots of fabric to work with should the muse strike.  I could probably fill two more and still have fabric out for a dozen projects.  Cleaning up my sewing room like this also made me realize just how many UFO's I have.  UFOs are something to contemplate another day.

In the meantime, I've ended up crocheting a lot.  Granted it's all the same blanket pattern that I made for my niece, but I find it soothing and it makes television time with Mr. Lina feel less... wasteful.  One project is in a white yarn that I'm not overly happy with.  It felt softer on the ball than in the project and it's made up BIG.  This is not going to be a baby sized blanket.  I need to buy another crappy ball of yarn because it's not long enough for the width and it's not so crappy that it isn't worth finishing.  So it's on hold for the moment.  While in Manitoba, I started a yellow blanket I'm happier with.  It's soft and the shells are smaller and popping to opposite sides nicely.  As much as I bought 3 balls of wool, I think I'll need a 4th, it's not getting a lot of height in the shells.  I put 27 shells across instead of 29 that the pattern calls for, but it is still going to need more rows to look balanced to the width.

And just a reminder that there will be a Toronto meet up on August 10th at 10am.  I am really looking forward to it.  FunnyGrrl is coming to town and the details are on her blog, Falling Through Your Clothes.  It looks like we're up to 9-10 people so far.