Long overdue check in

So life chez-Lina is pretty good.  Still crazy, still heart wrenching, and certainly full of social workers but good.

Spunk (now 5) has sort of figured out that we're sticking around.  She's full of statements like "You are MY mom" or "You will be MY mom forever".  Toileting has improved tremendously, she's finally going to school all day and generally thriving.  She's able to read a bit, print well, and academically closer to her peers that I'd expected given all this emotional upheaval.  Her struggles (school wise) are more learning social skills.  She's so fearful of rejection, she has a hard time asking others to play or letting them control the game.

Clover (now 13) has had a rougher time I'd say.  In my last post, I mentioned she slipped and called Mr. Lina Dad.  That was the start of her brain going "Holy fuck what is going on???  We don't trust MEN!!!".  I spent the fall saying she was sliding, she needed help, she hit a bottom in December which opened us up to more help.  We've added more medical professionals to the team, sorted out an alphabet of diagnosis and we're working on treatments.  Somehow through bleak months where she couldn't do more than mumble to Mr. Lina she still managed to have 5 grades at 90%.  She has a boyfriend so I now get to talk about sex and worry about what's happening on that 45 minute walk after school on top of the usual mental health/parenting concerns.

Legally speaking, the girls are still our foster daughters.  There was a lab in Toronto that did hair analysis to find historical drug use.  There was a false positive in a divorce case (so impacted custody but nothing to do with adoption) which led to an inquest.  Because of the inquest, they are now opening up every single case where the lab was used to see if it played a factor in the apprehension of children.  Until that is resolved, all adoptions for cases where the lab was used (even distantly - like in the case of an older sibling who is now an adult holding back the younger sibling from being adopted) are on hold.  I cannot control the government, I know our case and I know I have nothing to worry about.  Birth mom is actually in a good spot now and she recognizes the girls are better with us.  But it does mean I have to adhere to more social worker visits and paper work for much longer than expected and I still can't post pictures.

My parental leave came to an end March 29th.  We spent the whole month getting the girls ready for Dad taking over (Mr Lina has been on parental leave since November).  2 days one week, 3 the next and all 5 days after March Break, Mr. Lina did the whole morning alone and I usually tried to find somewhere to be after school.  With social worker visits and therapy being as frequent as they are, the after school part didn't always work out, but it showed them he could do it.  The night before I went back to work, Spunk climbed up in my lap asking for "help" to finish the last few bites of food.  We used to do this all the time and she hadn't asked for weeks.  Mr. Lina asked what that was about and she said "Tomorrow is going to be a very tough day and I need extra cuddles from Mom."  Kudos to her for being able to articulate her feelings. 

My return to work lasted 2 hours.  I was given a severance package.  While I was off they sold the software I specialize in and my position was not there to return to.  Never mind the fact there are presently 5 openings I could fill in other divisions.  Not my problem, we're leaving that to lawyers.  For now, I will casually look for work and enjoy more time at home.

This past weekend, Clover's best friend had her birthday party.  Her dad travels for work a LOT so they have points up the wazoo so they book 2 hotel rooms in Toronto, let her bring 4 friends and essentially hang out in a hotel room for the sleep over.  Her mom asked me along.  I'm game for bonding with another mom who has known my daughter longer than I have and seeing Clover interact with old friends I don 't know myself.  I had to drive myself, there were 7 in total and their car holds 6.  I didn't mind the drive and paying for my own parking but I was wanting to go home with Clover, have a little time 1:1.  She wanted to go with her friends.

Rejection is the hardest part of living with Clover.  She does it over and over again.  In little things, like not eating brownies I made, not eating vegetarian food I made for her (she's the least healthy vegetarian I have EVER met, breadetarian would be more accurate).  She pisses Mr. Lina off by putting her feet on the kitchen table and leaving lights on.  The bigger deal you make of it, the more it happens. 

So I said I was disappointed but let her go in the other car.  I couldn't manage my own anger to turn it into a fun afternoon with her at that point.  It's not fun if she doesn't want to be there.

I went to Queen and Spadina and thought of past times shopping there.  I only bought one piece of linen (I have insane stash to work through still and Sunday is not a good shopping day), but I remembered the fun blogger shopping trips.  It was inspiring and calming and made me feel good.  I went to a European grocery store that is no longer convenient and stocked up on mulled wine tea and garlic sausage for Mr. Lina.  I went to Starbucks just so I'd have a cup to put in the recycling bin. 

Me petty?  Never. 

Not petty when I told her about staying in Toronto for a few more hours, how I forgot what kind of a great vibe there is around Queen West and times I spent there with Mr. Lina...

I also finished up a t shirt I cut out a week ago.  Just a clone of a retail shirt I have that I like, nothing crazy, pretty much a big rectangle  rayon knit that drapes nicely and is long enough for jeggings.  And don't you know I put it on this morning and slop egg yolk down the front of it.  I didn't even wear it for an hour before needing to wash it.  On the plus side, it is wearable, the yolk came out and I have cut out another shirt from navy modal I bought in 2012.

Let the summer begin!

I can't believe it's already May and a Canadian long weekend is here.  I'm still not used to writing 2015 yet (which is not helped that the software I use has been the "December 2014" version until a week ago).  We are off camping this weekend, our May long tradition.  The weather should be pretty good for May camping - today being the coldest day with a high of 18C and overnight low of 8C.  A chance of showers here and there but not a whole weekend of rain.  I can deal with that.

May has had some lovely weather.  It's well earned after that ever lasting winter.  This picture is from a week ago, all those trees have filled out since then  We put up a Manitoba flag in the back yard.  The previous owners had a short flag pole on the deck and it's made it feel a little more like ours.  We've been eating outside pretty much every night, admittedly sometimes with a little lap blanket as the temperatures are still cool in the evening.

This may be a bit of TMI, but anyone left reading after all the infertility crap should be used to that.

I never had a regular cycle and it became abundantly clear in all that treatment that I don't ovulate regularly.  So life without fertility treatments and hormones is the new "normal" for me.  Generally, it's pretty awesome not to have to worry about my period for weeks on end, but I'm sort of seeing the down side too.  When I do get my period, I am getting a pretty bad case of PMS, something I'm not really used to.  Two weeks out my breasts get heavy and sore.  Two freaking weeks.  And as those two weeks go by, my mood gets worse.  More apathetic, more likely to tear up at stupid things, less productive.  If I don't want to make dinner, sew or buy groceries, you can imagine how inclined I am to go to work.  And all this was at it's worst on Mother's Day - like one of the top 3 triggers for sadness and negative thoughts.

It is lovely to feel like myself again.

Fan-freaking-tastic.

Things are moving along on the adoption front.  We have an assigned worker and have a date in June to meet the whole team.  That isn't holding them back from presenting kids to us.  I can't talk about the kids, and I am not saying these are the ones, but we're at the point of making some pretty big and scary decisions.  It's pretty cool.

So now that I'm "ME" again, maybe after camping I can finish up the silk noil Hollyburn I cut out.

Trips & Travels & Pants

It's been quite the month.  Mr. Lina and I were off to Germany and Austria for a little film fest and vacation.  It's the third year in a row that Mr. Lina had a film accepted into the same Landshut film festival.  Every time we meet people in the film industry and reinforce friendships.  I swear, my Facebook page is half German now.  If I knew in 2012 that I'd be back to Germany 3 times, I would have taken a conversational German class.  As it is, we are getting pretty good at "menu-German".

Opening night, cloned skirt made in February.  Black photographs so well.

Did I mention I dyed my hair?  Wearing Renfew top with cowl.

Again, it was a good festival and his film "Oh Come All Ye Zombies" was well received.  It won it's block of films and came in second for audience favourite by a very narrow margin.  Year after year, their programming is just phenomenal.  He's up against some amazing films and we aren't exactly stacking the audience with cast members.

Mr. Lina at the film fest!

Same Renfrew as above at BMW.

Landshut is such a pretty little town.  Even going three times, we still got to see some new things.  The festival arranged a tour of the BMW component factory for us.  They don't hold back on the tour, I got to see engine blocks being poured and carbon fibre bumpers being made.  The also added a film maker breakfast, weistwurst (white sausage), bretzel (big soft pretzel) & beer, a traditional Bavarian breakfast.

That's a radler - beer (lager) and lemonade of some sort, very refreshing.  Pretty sure I have self-made pants you can't see.

We decided after the film fest we'd go somewhere new for a few days.  Vienna, Austria ended up being the winner, it's close enough to be cheap and yet still new to us.  I liked Vienna, it's very beautiful, compact and walkable.  We rented a one bedroom flat through AirBnB.  It was great, we could make breakfast at the flat, if we at a big lunch and just wanted nibblies for dinner, we could do that.  After being in a tiny hotel room in Landshut, it was nice to have a little more space.

Long day of walking, corduroy pencil skirt I made last year.

 The first full day we walked a crazy amount.  Through the old part of Vienna, over to the amusement park, went for a ride in their rather famous Ferris Wheel and Mr. Lina decided we should have lunch at the Donauturm on the Danube, sort of like their version of the CN Tower).  We didn't quite realize how far away it was and ended up walking 20 km that day alone.  Above I still had a few kilometers to walk to get to the flat and I needed to just sit for a bit.  Thank heavens those shoes are comfortable!

Did I mention it was windy at the top of the Ferris Wheel?

We did a day trip to Saltzburg.  It was pretty overcast and damp that day so I can't say I got the best impression.  We walked up to the castle that overlooks the town.  This is the area that The Sound of Music was filmed in.  It wasn't until we were taking the train back to Munich for our flight home that I really saw the alps clearly.

Walking to the castle in Saltzburg, never been so happy to be at the top.

Oh right, this is a sewing blog isn't it?  And I mentioned pants!  

Thurlow Trousers, lunch at the Rathaus in Vienna.

Yep, I made pants.  Since February I have made a black skirt and 3 pairs of Thurlow trousers.  The first were a wearable muslin where I figured out that the leg is just too wide for me.  I'm drowning in them as drafted.  Above I'm wearing the second pair, black twill that is shiny on one side that I put to the inside of the pants.  It means they slide nicely on my skin when I'm walking (which led to me being unable to sit still after too much beer and coffee).  This pair is a bit loose in the waist, but that makes them perfect for travelling and great for bowling.  I have full range of motion but feel put together.  I actually wore that exact outfit to work yesterday now that I look at it.

I made a third pair in grey, it's got some stretch and pile to it, but it's not quite corduroy.  After this pair being a little big, I trimmed them down further but I had such a problem getting the bum right.  Oddly enough I'm not quite as happy with them as the second pair.  I've also got a little post-vacation weight on me so I'm hoping some of that sorts out the fit.  I did wear them on vacation but the days I wore them Mr. Lina only seemed to take pictures from the waist up.  Perhaps he isn't as keen either.

On the adoption front, we're one meeting and an evening training session away from being "Adopt Ready".  I thought the meeting was going to happen today, but our social worker isn't quite ready for us to sign off on it.  He has reviewed our home study with his supervisor and I gather they are really eager to have all the i's dotted and t's crossed and working with an adoption worker to place kids with us.  So soon.  Soon.

Welcome to February

Where on earth did January go?  I swear I blinked and weeks had passed.

On the sewing front, I'm getting there.  I finally found my iron last week but I still haven't found my large self healing mat.  The little one, but not the big one.  The little mat is maybe helpful for a bra and that's about it and I'm not quite organized enough for making a bra.

I am, however, vaguely organized to sew a rectangle.  Large rectangles.  Like curtains.

They aren't quite finished.  I wasn't sure how well they would block out the sun and they were needed sooner rather than later because the blinds are useless.  Completely useless.  Not only are they ineffective at blocking sun, they provide no privacy.  Something I realized coming home from bowling when Mr. Lina had the light on in the bedroom and I could see everything from the street.  Not just the shape of my furniture, but the details too.  No wonder the neighbours are so friendly.  I put up a sheet that night, bought this fabric on the weekend, cut and turned the edges and we hung them up.  As it turns out, I do need a fairly heavy lining to block out the sun so I'm glad I waited rather than cheaping out assuming the fabric was heavy enough.

Mr. Lina also has me sewing rectangles for a green screen.  I'm less enthused by that as the fabric with the right shade of green is also rubber backed and freakishly heavy.  It looks like it was sewn by drunk monkeys because it's hard to pull the fabric in 9' panels evenly.  I refuse to sew more until he supports the fabric on the side.  It's just embarrassing how crooked it is.

Things are moving pretty quickly on the home study/adoption front.  Our adoption worker is such a good fit for us.  We share similar interests in folk music, he plays guitar, he's really made Mr. Lina feel comfortable.  We've had one meet & greet and our first visit (of 4-5) for the home study.  It's pretty intense, there aren't many skeletons left in our closets.  An hour and a half of talking (each, separately) about our childhood.  And it's not just what I say but how I say it.  Like he commented on how I talk about my dad, it's like I'm defending him when no one is attacking him.  I didn't realize I felt that way, like I needed to justify everything.  So strange.  That interview rattled around my head for a few days.  Still does I suppose.  We were scheduled to have our second meeting today but he is sick, so it's going to be next week.

Oh and we went to Montreal for a wedding.  Who gets married in Montreal in January when most of your family are in Manitoba?  Not the best time of year for travelling.  BUT, it was in the Plateau area, I bought 3 pieces of fabric without it being a hassle at all, and I'm so happy for the couple.  They really are well suited and just crazy enough for the other.  It was a wonderfully casual wedding with cocktail dresses for a dress code.

Emery board for scale, really they are all black/grey.

The fabric on the left is black and the light is accentuating the snake skin print, it s quite subtle in person (being black on black).  It's a knit, fairly stable but my plan is a skirt so just enough stretch for movement and comfort.  Actually all three have stretch, now that I think about it.  I didn't notice quite how much stretch was in the top right (and it is grey, not purple) "cloud" fabric until later because it's one directional.  I want to make it into a pencil skirt.  I'm doing more formal client meetings and I feel most professional in a skirt so I'd like to add some to my wardrobe.  Last is the cable knit sweater.  It's fairly heavy, black on the back.  I was thinking a snug sweater (I think it's thick enough to smooth over bumps) maybe like Renfrew, but it was the last 2m on the bolt and I took it all.  So maybe a dress now?  Snug and fairly short maybe, something that could be worn with opaque tights or leggings/skinny jeans.

Blink and it's Moving Day!

I cannot believe that it was a month prior to move the last time I posted.  We close on the new house on Friday so house limbo is definitely near the end.  Since we're paying the moving company to pack, it's not too crazy but there are things we want to take care of ourselves.  It's a little surreal.

Let's see...

• My in laws have decided to help us with the move.  While I appreciate the help and love them dearly, I'm not sure it's a good thing for them to be around me while I'm feeling my most flustered and least able to answer questions.  
• They arrive at noon on moving day so my parents are going to pick them up.  Somehow this makes both sets of parents feel useful while they go for lunch.
• I'm not going to be able to find anything for quite some time because they aren't helping us move so much as they are helping us unpack.  So I'm not going to know what's in most boxes because someone else packed it and I'm not going to know where anything went because my in laws emptied them.  
• It's just stuff, right?
• Right?
• And we did pack the "fun drawer" already so I shouldn't end up with too many embarrassing moments.
• Maybe.
• Gosh I miss sewing.  I have this mostly empty sewing room and a few boxes of fabric, but it's not really a good use of my time to sew.
• That said, I made an exceedingly short elastic waist band circle skirt (say short enough for at home with Mr. Lina and select night time locations with opaque tights).
• Probably the least amount of effort you can put into a skirt (circle, elastic, rolled hem foot for the hem).  I didn't even measure the waist so the circle ended up too big to fit into the elastic and required a few pleats.   That said, I've worn it to see Peter Hook & the Light (bass player for Joy Division and New Order) and a few date nights.  Good for dates, not so good for wind tunnels.
• I've also attached buttons to a few shirts, mending that has sat for a while is just getting done.  
• Isn't it always the way that we want to do what we shouldn't be doing?

So Friday we pick up the keys.  Saturday and Sunday we'll paint two rooms and move a few things ourselves (essentials, alcohol, plants, instruments, camera equipment etc).  Monday I have to give a half day training session for a client in their office (which is closer to my new house but still a 40 minute drive) and then I'm off Tues-Thurs for the packing/moving/unpacking extravaganza.  I figure by Friday I'll be ready to leave the insanity for a day and go to work.  Eeep!

One Month To Go

We have one month to go before we move.  We take possession of the new house Nov 28th, but it's Dec 3rd that the move is happening.  So one month from today I'll be unpacking.

There are pro's and con's to a long closing date when buying a house.

Pro's

• Obviously, time.
• Paperwork - lawyers, mortgage
• Packing
• Planning the move
• Ability to live a little prior to leaving.  We're still hosting house concerts, Thanksgiving dinner, having friends over.
• We can say "good bye" to things that make this neighbourhood great, but won't be so easy in the new house.  Things like our favourite restaurants.  I know I could always go back, but it's not going to be convenient and we'll have new favourite spots in the new community.
• Using up food in the fridge, freezer and pantry, kind of highlighted how much of a food hoarder I can be.  We have a lot of roast beef to eat.

Con's

• Everyone thinks I've already moved.  It's weird the number of people who think I'm already there and asking how the new commute/neighbours/etc are.  Mr. Lina's manager asked if he was going to vote on his lunch time last week.  Um, no, not driving 70 km to vote and turn around to go back to work for the afternoon...
• I'm in a limbo of not wanting ANYTHING coming into the house - food, books, movies, STUFF.  If it can't be consumed in 30 days, then it's just another thing that needs packing and unpacking and is likely to get lost.
• I sure hope none of the appliances break as we would have to replace them.
• The excitement of the new house has become less tangible.  
• I feel sad that I'll be saying good bye to this house and neighbourhood.
• Limbo extends to hobbies.  I have a fairly empty sewing room, but no table to work on and most of my fabric is in storage and I don't want to make a mess.

Mr. Lina has been changing our address with, well, everyone.  Utility companies, Canada Post, banks and ID, on and on.  It's good, but getting the update of every single one is actually stressing me out a little.  Because I'm not ready to do that and I have ID that I have to change myself.  The things that I'd change easily don't seem to want 4 weeks notice.

I need to find some of the excitement again.  It is looking like we'll be going to the new house on Sunday to get quotes for finishing the basement.  Hopefully that kick starts the "ohboyohboyohboy" feeling that will make address changing and packing more exciting and less... scary.  

Happy Thanksgiving!

This past weekend was Thanksgiving in Canada.  It's not quite the big holiday that it seems to be in the US, but I'm in favour of a 3 day weekend that is full of turkey dinners.  We hosted our traditional friends Thanksgiving on Saturday night, then my family had dinner on Monday.

After a weekend with a few late nights and lazy mornings, today sucked.  I'm still not feeling awake.  So let's see what I have to be thankful for...

• Health, generally, I'm good.  That rash has cleared up, no idea why or what caused it but I sure am thankful that it's gone.
• Mr. Lina - we're in a pretty good lovey dovey stage at the moment.  All this change feels exciting, so glad to have him in my life.  His attention for detail is coming in handy as he takes care of a lot of the details with our lawyer, mortgage broker and scheduling movers.
• Finances - sure, it would be nice to win the lottery, but I'm appreciating that I have enough.  There is lots of food to go around, a big roof over our head and while money seems to be slipping through our hands because of the move (7 weeks away now), it's all okay, there is enough.
• Friends - a big pillar in our our lives, having 18 adults, 5 kids, 2 babies for Thanksgiving sure did make me feel well loved.   We'll be moving about a 15 min walk from friends of ours and it was pretty cool to hear their 8 year old daughter say how happy she was about that.  You know I'm going to be really close to her school.  
• Family - gosh I love my niece and nephews.   My niece is a chatty 2 year old, loves imaginative play and silliness.  One nephew has figured out how to crawl like a marine under barbed wire and the other is ridiculously chubby cheeked and loves to kick everything and anything.  He also seems to have good "timing" causing me to need to change my shirt (and his outfit) and then getting me again with a leaky diaper.  No one else was puked on.  Honestly...
• I figured out this week I still have 5 vacation days to use this year.  That's going to help me stay sane while we move.

I think I covered all the big pillars there.  

We're going to be hosting David Bradstreet on Monday.  The guy has won Junos, a Gemini, produced for lots of other artists who are far better known than he is.  I'm excited to host someone with this kind of Canadian pedigree but I'm getting worried it's going to be another small audience.  Hopefully I get a few RSVP's this week.  Anyone local is welcome to come, I'll send details by email if you'd like.  Have a listen.

Misplaced

Moving has this odd mix of packed and not packed.

You would think what I've packed are things I don't need.

I look around the house and wonder why I didn't pack certain things (although the answer to that might be that they should be pitched).

And yet...

• Not sure where my secondary wallet is.  This sounds worse than it is.  When I switched my wallet to a new one, I left some less important things in the other wallet.  At the time, I was trying to cut back on buying fabric.  Guess where my Fabricland card is?
• I packed both my blender and my hand blender.  Soup making will be chunky until December.
• I packed the coffee bean grinder, I mean, the coffee maker has a grinder built in.  Then Mr. Lina went to make his fancy pork recipe that requires grinding annato seeds and asked where the coffee grinder was.  
• He bought a new one.
• I'd like to make some panties, my cheeky lace ones, but I packed those too.  Hence the need for the Fabricland card.
• Mr. Lina gave me flowers and I had to put them in a plastic spaghetti container because the vases are all packed.

Sigh...

The Good Kind of Change

I've been living in some surreal world the past month.  After so much time of talking and planning and thinking and packing but accomplishing nothing... stuff happened.  Lots of stuff.  Life changing stuff.

And boy it sure feels good.

Every time I tell another friend or coworker about the house selling or the house we will be moving to, I feel a glow.  A smile I can't remove, a sparkle in my eyes and face that hasn't always been there.  A smile that isn't a fake it 'till you make it kind of smile that doesn't reach your eyes.

Building on the changes, yesterday I called Children's Aid in the region we're moving to.  A university friend of mine works there and she discreetly asked her adoption coworkers the best avenue for me to proceed and they recommended calling to let us know we were coming.  It's nothing too formal, but now we're on their radar.

It was a good conversation mostly about us - who we are, where we are at mentally, emotionally, how stable our life is  (well, the move is the definition of lack of stability but past that nothing is changing), what we're looking for, etc.  The application package is in the mail.  I felt like I had a good rapport with the social worker.  Typically the worker who takes your call is assigned your case, I am hoping that is the case because I think it's a good fit.  I am glad we took the PRIDE training already.  I had much better answers to his questions and perspective on the intention of the question than I would have without it.  From his perspective, we are seen as a more attractive potential parent because that step is already done.

It seems like a good time in my life for the song "Happy" to be played damn near everywhere.  I saw this video of it on the weekend and it is so powerful to me.  It's from Deaf Film Camp - Camp Mark Seven - and it's all in American Sign Language with subtitles.  I hope you enjoy it as much as I did.

Sold!

Everything went pretty much as our real estate agent suggested.  We'd list, let people see the house and "accept offers" at 6pm on the Saturday.

Sure enough, we listed Tuesday, 20 or so people came to see the house, and last night 5 people made offers on it.  The offer we took didn't have any conditions so as of 8pm last night, our house is sold.  Enough over listing value to fund most of the basement renovations on the new house.  :)  I must say I like that part.

It's so nice to have that done.  I don't think it could have gone any better.

We've spent the whole day in the house.  I think after spending every night out, eating out every night, it's good to just be in the house and make our own food.  We can enjoy life again until it's time to move in December.

It's Up

The sign is in the lawn and the listing is publicly available on Realtor.ca.  Did you ever think my sewing room would ever look like this?

Hard to believe this is the same room...

I didn't think those threads would ever come out of the carpet.  Not to say it's perfect, but it is pretty impressive how few are left.

We've got viewings booked for tonight, so we are off to a good start.  We're going to see Guardians of the Galaxy while they tour the house.  I foresee popcorn for dinner.  :)

Almost there

My goodness Mr. Lina and I have been working our asses off.

Tomorrow the photographer is coming to take pictures of our house which (if all goes as planned) will be listed for sale on Tuesday, Sept 2nd.  We've moved:

• two book shelves
• one wardrobe
• one expidit desk (the kind that attaches to the shelves)
• a crapton of boxes
• $11 worth of empty beer/liquor bottles
• multiple bags of garbage (which is challenging with a 2 bag limit)
• multiple boxes/bags of recycling (which is fortunately not limited)
• multiple bags of clothing and stuff to Goodwill

What furniture has been left has largely been moved around to make the house look bigger.  

It works, it does look bigger.  More like the mansion I thought I was moving into compared to our 1 bedroom apartment.  It's not quite done and I'm rather sure the agent and photographer are going to do more moving of stuff, but I am pleased with what we've done.  I really hope that after all this effort the house sells fairly quickly.  

I have been thinking at times about pitching things as a skill set.  One I sadly lack.  I'm still probably packing stuff that I should be pitching, but I'd like to think that at least I'm feeling more positive about it.  I think less and pitch faster and honestly feel better.  The overwhelmed feeling is gone because I can see what's already been done.  That's something for me to remember.

Possibly related to that is that I am still a bit forgetful but not teary and I've managed to keep my purse and phone with me all this week.  Shiny gold star.

I also had a conversation with my manager about my career and what my work arrangement will be like when we move further from the office.  Our house will now be a full 100 km from my employer and while my current client is closer, 78 km isn't exactly close.  As I have pointed out to my newest team mate, being an "on site" analyst means you actually go to the client office.  That means less flexibility for working from home.  And I'm bored.  I am dragging my feet on a lot of projects and I think it's because I'm just not interested in doing the same thing over and over.  So we're going to change that.  Not today, this is a domino that will impact others, but it's also good for my manager as he can offload more responsibilities on me.  Win-win.  I felt a bit scared asking for what I want, I've just bobbed along with my career so far, but it felt pretty good.  

Okay, time to get going on that last bit of decluttering.  Time to be sure every flat surface is empty... 

Dot the I's and Cross the T's

The home inspection was yesterday and for a 29 year old house, it's in great shape.  A few things need dealing with, some sooner than others, but nothing is really all that bad.  All of our conditions on sale have now been met so the house is definitively ours on the 28th of November.

One odd thing the home inspection pointed out is that there isn't a heat vent into my sewing room.  It wouldn't be hard to add one because the furnace is on the other side of the wall.  I am not all that concerned.  I can leave the door open (there is a vent just outside the room) for air to circulate and once the iron is turned on, the room will warm up enough.  How often have I ended up sewing nearly naked with my hair pulled up because I was too hot?

Lately I am quick to tear up and terribly forgetful (like not taking sleeping bags, pillows, chairs or Mr.Lina's camera with us for Summerfolk).  Some of it is probably because this is a lot of change all at once.  Some of it is because I'm tired.  I didn't realize we would be buying a car and house when we got tickets for the Argo game and our usual Summerfolk weekend.  Some of the tears make complete sense, but it's still flowing a little easier than it should.

Small picture hides the slightly puffy eyes.

We bought a new (to us) car last week, 2012 Nissan Murano.  We bought it on Saturday after seeing our house the first time, picked it up on Thursday.  I loved my old Alero.  12 years and 341,000 km of memories.  It was the first car I purchased, 100% mine.  Mr. Lina was with me when I bought it, but he had no involvement in payments or picking it out.  I was either the driver or in the car for more than 300,000 km.  As excited as I was to buy a new car, it was hard leaving the Alero behind and I cried at the dealership (which shouldn't surprise me, I cried when I signed the purchasing papers for the Alero).  I forgot to bring my cheque book which made making the down payment more difficult than it needed to be.  Let's just say that I was a bit of a mess and the dealership probably thinks I'm a complete flake.  Even driving away, the Murano felt foreign, rather than exciting new, I felt insecure initially and resistant to the changes.

It crossed my mind as my eyes were welling up and spilling over about how hard any change is and that this is a moment to remember when I adopt.  When I am matched with my kids, it's going to be such a happy event for Mr. Lina and I.  But it's not quite the same happy event for the kids, it's just one more change in a life of uncertainty.  I don't think they are going to believe us (or the social workers) when we say it is their forever home, that kind of trust and attachment takes time.  The happy part of being told they will live with us will likely be a suspicious happy.  It is okay to be sad about the good byes, good even.  If I'm confused enough to have tears and complicated feelings over a car, imagine how hard that turmoil is to express when you are 6, or 4 or 2.  I'm not sure there is enough crayons out there to express and explore those complicated feelings - where to put the sad part while everyone around you seems to be so very happy and appear to expect you to be happy too.

Now for more change.  It's time to do the last bit of work to list our house.

We Got It

Assuming there are no horror stories uncovered in the home inspection, the house will be ours.  :)  A bit of drama came with it yesterday (and what good story doesn't have drama?)

As I posted yesterday, we were waiting to hear the sellers response to our offer on the house.  The offer expired at 7pm.  Late afternoon, our agent calls.  He got word that another offer was being prepared for the house - did we want to revise our offer since we were not the only one?  

At this point, you have to put your best foot forward.  Our offer of less than listing was based on the premise we would negotiate up, it wasn't going to stack up to another offer.  We told our agent we'd go to full listing, but that was it.  We would walk away from a bidding war, as much as I love the house, there are others.  Our agent agreed and said he would wait to submit the revised offer until he knew the second offer was in writing.  

We had tickets to see the Toronto Argos play the Winnipeg Blue Bombers (CFL football, the older but less financially viable version of the NFL).  Mr. Lina bought these months ago, a conflicting game to cheer for when it's his current home vs childhood home playing.  Given the highway construction going on in Toronto, we chose to take the subway in.  

6:45 we get above ground, waiting for the call.  7pm we grab some food, I'm dealing with the food and money in case Mr. Lina's phone rings...  7:05 passes....

Just as I'm having my purse checked by security to go into the stadium, his phone rings.  And it freezes, so we didn't answer the call.  We got as far out of the way as we could between security and scanning our tickets to call our agent back on my phone.

It seems the other offer never happened.  They didn't want to get into a bidding war and walked away.  He had a counter offer from the sellers, accepting all of our conditions (which were pretty standard - home inspection, financing) and closing date but a price below asking, just not as low as we offered.

I suppose we could have done a little more back and forth on price, but it was fair and we had enough drama already.  It's so strange arriving to a football game with FABULOUS seats and I really couldn't care about how close the players were because I bought a house.

So here is a sneak peek of what will be my sewing room as of Nov 28th.  It's a bit of an odd shape and the closet/door are behind the photographer, it should do quite nicely.

Home

Home is often a feeling more than a space.  Every time I've looked for somewhere to live - be it renting, buying or even picking a university - I've felt that connection to the space.  I swear, three steps off the bus when touring my university, I knew it was home even if I couldn't explain why.

We've seen oh, 6 houses so far.  Not so many to be tired of the process, just enough to have a good sense of what is available.  There were houses I liked, houses Mr. Lina liked, aspects of every house we liked... but none said home.

Saturday, we found a house I could see my kids running around in, playing tag or catch in the back yard.  I could see me cooking and entertaining, talking to friends while the last appetizers were coming out of the oven.  Mr. Lina could see where his desk would go, where he could move from bottling home brew to storing kegs and building a bar, my non-team sport playing husband even mentioned that the back yard was big enough for a football game.  I would claim the basement office as my sewing room - laminate flooring, HUGE closet, a window and good lights.  My mom sews in the basement, I see the advantage of kids playing within ear shot.

But it was more expensive than what we had seen.  While I knew it was within reason, it was enough we wanted to sit with a calculator and double check.  Fortunately, the market we're going to is cooler than what we're leaving so not all decisions have to be made the day of listing.  We arranged to go back last night.  We also asked to see other houses of a similar size and price to see what the competitive set was like.

First house was lovely.  On paper, better even.  Newer windows, very well cared for, finished basement, beautiful gardens, $20K less...  and yet I wasn't happy.

Second house was the same floor plan as Saturday but 190 sq ft smaller - slightly smaller living room and master bedroom but still big enough.  I didn't like it at all.  Honestly, their real estate agent is not doing them any favours letting them show the house with lights missing or out, finger prints on the walls, furniture blocking traffic flow...  Where the first house was well maintained and loved, this one wasn't cared for and it showed.

And then we went back to our Saturday house and it felt like home.

From the minute we pulled into the driveway, I felt comfortable.

Happy.

Home.

So I'm now in the limbo where we put in an offer and are waiting for their response.  I figure there will be some back and forth on price and while I'm okay with that, we can't get into a bidding war that goes above asking.

But my heart feels good about this.

Is Spring Finally Here?

You know how sometimes a room has to look worse to be cleaner?  Yeah....  I can barely get into my sewing room.  But I have shredded a whole lot of old financial statements and put less sensitive paper out for recycling, so I know there is progress.  Even if it doesn't look like it.  We were going to go to an open house on Sunday only to get there and it was cancelled.  Pout.  We are getting closer...

We did a little spending at the garden centre on the weekend and worked on making the outside of the house look pretty.  What is it with dandelions?  Do they hate us that much?  By the time we dug them all out of the back yard it looked like a heard of elephants trampled what little grass was left.  On the plus side, my perennials look much nicer without all the dead leaves from last fall around them.  I still have to plant the annuals but the risk of frost is still real here until May long weekend, so I'm not worried about that just yet. 

Speaking of annuals... I usually do some container gardening on our back deck.  A few tomatoes, some herbs, maybe some radishes and a hot pepper plant.  I wasn't going to bother this year, just sticking to flowers and herbs that would be easier to care for and still provide a little colour.  Then we saw Bhut Jolokia peppers (aka ghost peppers, one of the hottest peppers out there, 400 times hotter than Tabasco according to wikipedia).  Usually I can't find anything more exotic than cayenne or hot banana peppers (which is fine, I don't mean to complain) so I don't know that I'll ever see Jolokia seedlings again which made it worth the purchase.  We'll see how that goes, my backyard isn't exactly the same as it's natural home climate of Northern India and I'm not one for babying plants (hence the purchase of seedlings, not seeds).

This is the first week it's finally been warm enough to not wear socks.  At long last, my open toed shoes can be worn again.  Sadly with the warmer weather seems to come rain (mostly scattered showers/thunder storm, not all day depressing rain) and the temperatures are dropping slightly just in time for the upcoming long weekend (Victoria Day).  Figures.  We camp every year, in the rain and occasionally the snow.  Temperatures of 15C during the day and 5C at night aren't so bad if it stays dry.  If.

I really should make a water proof jacket one of these days.

I also think I should send my parents to the Northwest Territories for Mother's Day next year.  I swear this was the most sane Mother's Day I've ever had.  No tears, no stress, I was very relaxed about it all.  I didn't forget about it but I didn't really think about it.  I did buy my traditional gift of a fuchsia hanging basket and hung it up at her house so she'd come home to it when I picked my parents up from the airport.  Really, we might be on to something here.

Where has April gone?

I didn't want to be a blogger who apologizes for silence, but I seem to be about to do that.  Let's just get on with a list:

• Both of my nephews are adorable, healthy boys with a good appetite.  I have spent time with both of them and only cried once and didn't go into any crazy-everything-has-to-be-from-scratch-and-perfect lady.
• I finished crocheting a blanket for Scot's son.  I'm afraid I don't crochet fast enough for both to have a new blanket, but I'm figuring Clone would have the blanket I made for his daughter.  
• Mr. Lina took pictures of the skirt I made but I haven't got them off his camera.  I'm wearing the skirt weekly so it's a total win.
• Mr. Lina had surgery on his sinuses on Thursday to fix his deviated septum and narrow passage.  
• Surgery went well but recovery is slower than promised.  He was told he could work his desk job the next day.  Ha!  Clearly these doctors have never seen him glassy eyed from Neocitron to know that he'd be completely useless on the pain relievers they prescribed.  
• I did not go to work the day after because I was afraid he'd fall down the stairs.
• My car felt that too much attention was being taken by Mr. Lina and decided to shut down just as I was about to park at the hospital.  In the parking garage.  A parking garage with ramps regular tow trucks can't get up.  As my phone was dying.  10 minutes before Mr. Lina needed to check in for day surgery.  Sigh.
• CAA was wonderful, they took the car to my mechanics without me (I called ahead so they were expecting the car) so I could be with Mr. Lina, my brother picked us up post-surgery.  I can't say I like the bill or the timing, but it could be worse (say shutting down while I was driving on a highway or halfway to the hospital) and everyone went above and beyond the call of duty to make it easier on me.
• A couple of years ago, The Accidental Mommy wrote a blog post about how much she loves crashing shopping carts.  The post stuck with me (who doesn't like a good crash?) and when I saw Killer Karts at the film festival in Germany, her post popped into my head.  I tracked down her 2011 post and put a little link to the trailer in the comments.  I was tickled pink to see that she liked it enough to repost her shopping cart post with the trailer at the end.  
• Honestly, the timing of that repost couldn't be better as the car was still in the shop, Mr. Lina was loopy on meds and I had emergency laundry to do after Mr. Lina bled on the pillow overnight.  I needed a good giggle.

So that's what's been going on with me in April.  How about you?

Silly & Random

My thoughts are a bit muddled as I puzzle something out at work today.  I think it's time for a list while the other stuff filters through.  This is going to be a truly random list but it's a start...

• Tasha & Friends had it's premiere last weekend at Buffalo Dreams Film Festival
• I couldn't go, I had already committed to helping my mom at a craft show, pout.
• It won Best Short Comedy and Mr. Lina got to meet his idol in independent film, Lloyd Kaufman
• Toronto folks can see Tasha at Blood in the Snow, I'll be at the 2pm showing on December 1st at the Carleton Theatre, the Saturday show sold so fast they booked a second slot for the short films
• Which is a good thing since I'm going to see Great Big Sea on the Saturday night
• Last weekend we went to see The Drive By Truckers at the Phoenix in Toronto
• The day of the show I woke up WAY too early, didn't nap and by 1am my feet were killing me from standing through the show
• You'd think I'd learn that the Phoenix requires comfy shoes even if I look silly
• On the drive home, I fell asleep
• Not remarkable in and of itself, but I started singing to Mr. Lina
• At least, that's what he told me, I don't remember, I was asleep
• I altered the words from "You are my Sunshine" to "You are My Snuggle-Mr. Lina"
• Which does flow better with his first name
• Good to know I'm cute even when I'm sleeping
• Thus bringing the silly part of the blog title
• I have had a bit of a rough week - migraine, a sad day (but just one day) and perhaps a little too much time to myself
• Work has been busy and occasionally contributed to the overwhelmed feeling (notably on my sad day), highlighted by leaving work at 8pm on Friday night
• I needed people to leave so I could get my own work done and Mr. Lina was already in Buffalo so no rush to get home really
• I am gradually working on the house, but it's a pretty slow pace
• I don't have the love of organisation that others do, packing and tossing stuff doesn't come easy for me
• I did tons of laundry this weekend and a lot of clean clothes are not going back in the drawers 
• I don't want to pack anything that doesn't fit and has no sentimental reason to keep
• I had the weekend to myself, looked forward to sewing, but a migraine put the kibosh on that, I stuck to doing laundry.
• Migraines suck, but it's been a long time since my last one so I'm really thankful for that
• Monday I was still kind of struggling with noises, particularly loud voices
• Sounds odd to cover noise with noise, but soft jazz in my headphones was soothing compared to talking, it's reminded me how much I like jazz from the 50's-60's.
• Yesterday was Remembrance Day
• I heard a poem by Dorothy Jamieson on the radio and after the poem, she said a few words to the audience that stuck with me:  Freedom isn't Free
• True in more ways than her military reference
• Next Thursday we're hosting Bill Bourne, winner of both Blues and Folk Juno awards
• That's going to be super cool.
• I get to make dinner for him.  How cool is that?
• I've already got 21 people confirmed for the show, that leaves about 10 seats and some time to go before the show (let me know if you'd like one of those 10 seats)
• The founder of the organisation for our house concerts, Mitch Podolack, was recognised for his contributions to folk music in Canada at the Canadian Folk Music Awards in Calgary, the CBC has this article on him
• We spent a lot of time with Mitch this year at the Folk Music Ontario conference, I am truly lucky to have had the chance to get to know him.
• To end this on a sewing note, I have a strange itch to make pants. 
• I even bought both Sewaholic pants patterns when she had her Thanksgiving sale
• But it's kind of scary.

Here's a little music so it's not without something pretty.  I like the words to this song.  As much as I'm dragging my heels, I am looking forward to building a brand new house full of love.  :)

Time Flies

I know this sounds like a broken record, but I'm not sure where the days  are going.  I haven't been in a great mental state to blog but I didn't realize it was over two weeks.  How strange.

So what's happened in two weeks?

• We went camping with a mix of friends, my brother and his girlfriend, my cousing and his wife.  Weather was good, I slept enough, Scot and his girlfriend were super cool and did not talk about the pregancy but I did give him a real hug and true congratulations.
• I went to a wedding in another city on the Saturday of Labour Day weekend, stayed the night, saw friends, it was good
• It was my birthday on the Monday of Labour Day weekend
• My SIL has decided that she needs some help being in the first trimester and chasing a 13 month old while my brother is on course work and can't help her
• So she (and my niece) came home and we surprised my parents with their arrival at my birthday dinner
• My niece is adorable
• I was kind of glad when they all went home
• Do you know how much cleaning we had to do to have a toddler in the house when the living room looked like the basement threw up crap and furniture all over it?  I'm not kidding, I had a path to the couch when my brother and SIL brought up the idea of her visiting.
• I wore my white lawn bowling skirt, but I don't have good a picture of me in it, my niece was naturally the cetre of attention.
• I had some post-birthday blues afterwards, I would have been okay skipping my birthday this year for some reason.
• We found out our mortgage was up for renewal this year, not next year so we had to rather quickly sort that out.
• We provided a weekend of respite, my friend from Summerfolk who has Down's Syndrome stayed with us to give his mom a break, she needed it.
• That went really well. 
• I started sewing for Mr. Lina.  Not for HIM, but movie stuff.  He needs a yamika/kippah, appliques of naughty reindeer added to a sweater and a crazy costume for one actress before the last weekend of September.
• I have never even met the actress, I think I'll be "fitting" with elastic.
• Yamika #1 from this kippah pattern came out a little wonky, poor fabric choice on my part and a little small given that the head it's going on has a full mask, it's bigger than a normal head.  It's a good pattern though, I'm sticking with it for my next attempt.  I think with 6 panels it ends up with a better curve than just 4 panels like most kippah patterns I found online.
• I went to a TIFF after party which was super cool.  One of my clients was sponsoring a film (The Grand Seduction) and while they didn't have tickets to the movie, they did give me tickets to the party.  So strange going to a party at 9pm on a Sunday.  But we got prettied up and went.

• And coming up... one last kick at the camping can this weekend, bowling starts tonight, Mr. Lina is getting us storage space to start really moving boxes out of the house, house concert season is starting up (100 Mile House from Alberta on Monday Sept 23, those local, let me know if you're interested in coming), and I need a nap.

 

Another Sign of Summer Ending

Today is my 9th anniversary.  9 years ago, we looked like this:

It was a wonderful day.  One of the warmer days in a fairly cool summer, but not so hot to be uncomfortable.  All of my outdoor pictures have someone squinting from the sun.  I was so excited, it was all I could do to not jump.  I think I was while I waited in the vestry.  Time is such a strange thing.  It feels like it wasn't that long ago we got married but I feel like I've had his last name for longer than 9 years.  On the crazy roller coaster I've been on, there is no one else I'd rather have holding my hand.

Yesterday when I was about to leave work, my youngest brother started up a conversation with me.  I like writing and by extension chatting.  You get time to think about your reply but the speed lacking in email where you can immediately clarify when the intended tone is not understood.  We chatted for about 2 hours.  I think security were the only other people left in the building when I went home, but it was worth staying.  My brother and SIL know I'm not going to take news like that overly well and no, they were not so wrapped up in their baby bliss to not notice the lack of response and change of subject.  And I had time to explain to him that I don't like being told in person, that I'd rather have an email where I can compose myself privately before replying.  It's not his job to manage my feelings, nor my job to manage his.  But I do appreciate the time to manage my feelings without an audience.  Net-net, all is good between us and I feel good today.