Puttering

Thank you all so much for the comments on the last post.  I think writing that out was good for me, things have definitely improved.  I did take suggestions to heart and made sure to take my vitamins and stand at the window when the sun came out.  Some of it was just putting my foot forward on smaller projects to get the ball rolling.  I am still having some foggy brained moments, but it's not as bad as last week.

We didn't have much planned for the weekend, just dinner at a friends house on Saturday, 4 couples and a child.  Mr. Lina is clearly still popular with the 2.5 year old crowd.  As much as she was asking where I was, it was Mr. Lina who needed to read her books and fix the play oven when the rack wasn't going in easily. 

This did lead to some baby-sad moments on Sunday.  Mr. Lina was equating time with our favourite 2.5 year old like drugs.  You feel this great high at the time.  The good feelings carry over for a while when you think of how good it felt to have them singling you out as someone special or snuggling close.  And then you realize that it is gone.  She's gone home and it's going to be a while before you can get that feeling back.  It's why I don't go to baby showers and I'm hesitant around babies.  It feels awesome at the time but sometimes the crash isn't worth the high.  I think there will be another crash when Ripley's Kittens are adopted in the next couple of weeks.  Most of them are over 2lbs now, it won't be long before they all meet the 2 months and 2lbs for being adopted.  Those kittens have provided some very happy distractions for both of us.

One of the great things about this weekend was my use of time, a balance of relaxing and productive.  I slept when I was tired, watched old movies and crocheted, transplanted my aloe into a larger (and heavier) pot (Note to Self, next time I move that aloe plant I should wrap it in a towel, my forearms and hands look like I tried to bathe a cat).  It started as a 10" pot from Home Depot, it's now 7 plants and about hip high on me in the new larger pot.  As happy as it seemed being pot bound in it's second plastic pot, it was pretty tippy hence the move away from plastic pots.  I did loads and loads of laundry, I think I washed every towel in the house. 

Stash fabric from Jan/12, rayon on the left, ponte (Tira?) on the right

It was a bit of a 3 Hours Past weekend as I made my own laundry detergent, watched Sabrina and pulled out the pattern pieces for Tiramisu and a few knit fabrics (red ponte above maybe?).  I did a little tidying in my sewing room, no firm decision making or sewing, but I refolded a few fabrics (including those pictured above and below, that navy modal is soooo soft) pulled out a few patterns, put a few things away.  I also went through my bra findings to figure out what I have and what I need (stretch needles!).  I won't say it was a hugely productive weekend, but I puttered.  I thought.  I took care of quite a few small projects I had been ignoring.  It felt good.

Soft modal

With my parents in Florida, it's a good time for online shopping and have it shipped to them.  I found a great card fabric for Mom's luggage tags.  I emailed to ask if she would like that as I would find something for myself and order them together.  Amusing thing is she wanted that and 3 other fabrics as well, her bill came to more than mine and qualified us for free shipping.  I have ordered 2 pieces of fabric that I think will work for Alma.  They are stretch wovens (mostly cotton), Alma doesn't require stretch but 10% stretch might work well for my first go at the pattern.  If the bust adjustments aren't perfect the stretch will be more forgiving and being cotton they will be at least 3 season wear.  We will see what they actually look like in March when my parents return.  I still find shopping for fabric online strange, I miss the tactile sensations. 

There is a lot coming up, February is a busy month.  This Saturday we're hosting Richie Newton and Rosie Stearns (video below).  We're trying to do a head count on attendance, it's a bit frustrating to have so many maybes.  We might have 11, we might have 23 (I'm hoping for 23 myself).  But that's true with every show, I should know that by now.  We have Valentines Day to plan for (more on that later).  There is a bowling fundraising dance on the 15th, our annual chili cook off on the 17th, off to Mexico on the 24th... lots to look forward to this month.

Loves

I am so tired today.  We had our team Christmas party last night and although it wasn't a late night, it was past midnight by the time I got home.  When the alarm went off this morning, my eyes hurt because I needed more sleep.  I think I hit snooze 4 times. 

That said, I am in a good mood.  Here are some things that make me happy today.

• Tiramisu arrived!  It was wonderful to see the package on the dining room table and know what was inside.
• It is Friday, that is enough to make me happy.
• My drive to work was awesome, 38 minutes from driveway to parking lot is a record for this client.
• We have no plans tonight, I can have a glass of wine and relax.
• We have no plans on Sunday, I think we'll spend part of the day getting our Christmas tree.
• Yesterday, someone noticed me babbling a bit and asked if I had coffee.  I mentioned this to Mr. Lina this morning.  He lamented that I've become a little more adjusted to caffeine and rarely sound like a little kid explaining a day at an amusement park to her grandparents.  It made me giggle when he mimicked the little kid (including puking after too much funnel cake and rides).  It's not often I'm laughing that early when I feel so tired.
• I've signed up for Rdio and am now listening to music at work.
• I love Jamiroquai.  I know it, but sometimes I get listening to a lot of folk/independent music and time passes without listening to Jamiroquai and when I listen again, it's like falling in love all over again.  I almost caught myself singing along yesterday (not a wise choice in cubicle-ville), I love how it makes me feel.

So here is a little Jamiroquai, hopefully it cheers up your Friday as it has for me.  Cosmic Girl is my favourite song.  In an interview, Jay Kay talked about this particular video.  They were still working on ideas for the video and the girl he was dating at the time was asking who his "Cosmic Girl" was going to be, kind of hinting it should be her.  To side step that, he made it about his car (he is a petrol head as they say on Top Gear).  The purple Lamborghini is his own car, the crew crashed it once loading it from his home to take it to the location in Spain.  They bought another (keep in mind, only 3 were made like this particular car), it was also damaged with precision drivers.  In parts of the video, there is no front windshield to the car.
 

Thanksgiving

Last weekend was Thanksgiving in Canada.  It is not the big deal that it is in the US, at least, not in my house.  It is an opportunity to eat turkey, see some family/friends, have a day off and be a little thoughtful. 

We all have things to be thankful for.  Really.  Even if things look horrible, there is always something good.  If you have food, if you are warm, if your basic needs are easily met, in the grand scheme of things, you should be thankful.  But it's so easy to loose sight of that.  So easy to feel the "yeah, but" that goes with that.  Sometimes, we need to think of the big picture.

I don't know if fall is just a hard time for me, but I feel a bit of sadness.  I stepped out to run an errand at lunch and found my thoughts all negative and circling around to babies I don't have.  Maybe a list of what I should appreciate will help.

• Mr. Lina.  Our marriage is far from perfect, but people seem to think it is from the outside looking in.  When friends comment on our relationship as one they look up to, I find myself at a loss of words besides thanks.  I found the right partner in life with Mr. Lina.  We have been through a lot of challenges together and I still want to have him by my side to face the next scary thing we encounter.
• Finances.  We both have jobs that pay enough to have most of what we want in life.  We still make some choices, I can't have everything, but again, in the grand scheme of things, things that are important to us are feasible, food is plentiful, our house is warm and welcoming, I can buy fabric when I want to.  I know what it felt like to be paying student loans, making very little and not sure that I could share in the rent with Mr. Lina.  Or paying for university and trying to eek through April when all of my summer money had run out and I had enough for bus fair to my parents until my next pay arrived for 8 hours of work.  I may fuss occasionally about the cost of things, but that's part of how I grew up rather than really not being able to afford it.
• Skills.  I have skills to do some pretty cool things.  I can make maps, I can talk about consumer behaviour, I can sew a bra, I can bake soft pretzels, I can make appetizers for a party of 30 without breaking much of a sweat (the house cleaning for the guests is the source of the sweat).  I am a very capable person.
• Family.  I may not have children, but I do have both of my parents and in laws, I have 2 brothers, a brother in law and 2 sister in laws who care about me.  One set of grandparents were important to me as I grew up and had an impact on how I see the world now.  Mr. Lina still has one grandmother to spoil us with cinnamon buns.  So maybe I don't have kids, but I sure do have family.
• Health.  Okay so my immune system is a bit ah, sensitive, reacting to things it shouldn't (like carrots and babies), and my ankle still hurts (bowling may not have been a wise choice).  But I don't have as many migraines as I used to, I didn't get bronchitis this fall (really ragweed wasn't too bad at all), I haven't had a really bad run of hives in a long time.  Sure there are quirks to my body, but they are my quirks and they aren't debilitating.
• Strength.  I'm not feeling all that strong today, but it really is something I should appreciate.  I firmly believe that every single one of us is capable of doing more than we think we can, surviving more than we think we could.  Infertility has left a mark on who I am, but I'm still here, internal strength of just getting through it is part of that.
• "The Blog."  We are all part of a really neat community.  It's lovely to be a part of it.  I've had a custom pants blocker courtesy of The Consultative Dressmaker, I've recently won an issue of Burda from Aft Agley.  ElleC had a giveaway a bit ago with a "pile of orange" (kind of faltered on the pattern that was part of that, my lapped zipper is not going in well).  I find myself talking about blogs I read like friends.  You know, my friend who is an expert in bras and tipped me off to online pretty bras.  Or how about those friends who are raising children they adopted, I've had more than a few conversations with Mr. Lina that were sparked by her experiences.  Quite often posts that resonate roll around in my head for a few days and they leave an impact on my life.

So tomorrow will bring a new day.  I'll get my ankle checked out with my family doctor.  I'm home from bowling and my bras have arrived.  I think I have a pretty good batting average but we'll discuss when I'm more organized.

My Mother the Enabler

Let's get back to sewing for a bit, eh?

I have mentioned my mom also sews and she sells her work.  One of the things she sells is luggage tags.  This is a picture of a new fabric she was hoping for help on naming so they don't have the tags on them yet but you can see more on her Etsy site as well.

Mom has an incredible assortment of luggage tags.  She makes 12-24 of each print and moves on.  She has multiple shoe boxes of these things done at any given time.  Some of the prints take a little while to find a home but it makes for a great assortment. 

Someone recently inquired for a larger purchase.  A bridal party that were going to Vegas so they wanted a bunch that were like one she sold on Etsy a while ago.

Last one.

She dug through her bin to find no more finished tags and no more fabric.  She had to say no, but it brought to light a "theme" that was missing in her stock.  Guess what I'm on the hunt for now?  She's checking all the Fabriclands near her, I'm checking the 4 that are easier for me to access. 

Let's just review a few facts...

• I haven't been able to sew much with all this restrictions on moving and feeling crappy
• I haven't gone shopping because I haven't been walking all that much lately.
• I also have tried not to go shopping because I have enough stash to sew through.

But here I am going from one Fabricland to the next on a wild goose chase for any fabric with cards or dice or vaguely gambling themed.  Two down and no luck, I've got 2 more stores to visit.  It's like sending an alcoholic into a liquor store to buy a gift for someone else. 

What did I find?  Silk noil, 45" wide, regularly $20/m on sale for $5/m.  All solid colours, I bought 4m of it in black.  I have not worked with silk noil before so I'd be happy to hear from any of you if you have and suggestions on best uses.  I was thinking it could be a nice dress but in purchasing black, I was also thinking maybe light summer pants?  I think it would work well with the pants blocker that I worked on with StephC.  I did not take a picture of the noil, you know how black photographs.  Good reviews may result in me going back for something a little brighter, they did have about 8 bolts in colours other than black.

I also bought 2m of a cotton print, sort of a buff yellow background with red poppy like flowers.  Mostly because the red matched the capris I was wearing at the moment and I struggle to build an outfit with those pants so it will fill a gap in my summer wardrobe.  It might be a good one to try the Pendrell blouse.  I bought the pattern when I got Renfrew but I haven't tried it yet.

Prior to "bad things happening", we were in Toronto with friends from Vancouver.  I happen to have ended up with a "Renfrew Action Shot".  I wasn't drinking so most places I was asking for some form of bubbly water or club soda and a lime.  At the Irish Embassy, I ended up with a poorly cut piece so it was really two wedges that weren't cut through and I was a bit excited as I really like limes.  So for the next round, our friends asked for LOTS of limes for me.  They delivered.

May I say I love my Renfrews.  I know I've gone on and on when I made a bunch of them, but it's good to revisit after the first excitement of something new is gone and they have hit the wash a few times.  I still love them all.  I have found they fit in lots of situations.  Above, I'm wearing stretch velvet pants so it's all fancy for a nice dinner out with friends.  The fabric has washed well, no pilling yet.  Same with my black short sleeve version.  My original blue/brown/black/white bricks has a bit of a stain on one of the white bricks.  It's not overly noticeable but it's held me back from wearing it as much as the others.  Still, total win of both pattern and fabric.

Silk noil?  Any horror stories?  Watch outs?  Love it because...?  Should I buy more?

And so it begins

Yesterday I got my shot of Lupron-Depot which stops the creation of hormones for about a month.  With IVF cycles I take Lupron injections daily (belly fat injections I do myself), but for FET, they don't need so much control over suppression, the longer term single shot (muscle injection is done at the clinic, pretty painless) is enough.  The same day I start my dreaded Provera.  I was hoping I wouldn't really notice anything until later in the week, but I think the side effects are starting already.

So, time for a list because I can't organize my thoughts into paragraphs.

1. It took 25 minutes to get dressed, my average speed to work today was about 28km/hour (for perspective, school zone speed limits are 40km/hour).  Let's say I was not the early bird at work today.
2. It is, perhaps, a sign that lunch will not taste very good when peppermint tea did not sit well this morning.  It took me half an hour to pick away at my normally delicious coconut chicken curry.
3. At one point this morning, my face felt tingly and my arms felt heavy.  It didn't last long, but that would be a sign that it's more medication driven than just a bad day.
4. The concept of walking to my car to step outside for a lunch break feels like too much effort.  I'll just sit here and write this instead.
5. Fabricland is literally a 3 minute drive from this office if I time the lights well, but today, that's just too much effort.
6. On the bright side, I do not feel like crying.  Score one for the team!
7. I need a new post on my blog because every time I see that Jem picture the theme song starts going through my head.  The theme song title is "Jem - Truly, Truly, Truly Outrageous", this gives you a sense of the repetitive nature of the song.
8. Great... now it's in my head again.  Ooooh Jem, Jem is excitement... 
9. My brain feels slow.  I am getting work done, but the repetitive stuff I usually struggle to focus on because it's boring is going okay.  I'm reading blogs, but coming up with a comment is hard.  And I want to leave my two cents.  It just feels weird when you know that you have thoughts but don't really know what they are.  I wish I had a better way to explain this.
10. Let's see if ginger Ceylon tea from Sri Lanka (gift from a coworker) works better than peppermint tea.
11. Mr. Lina is excited that the lambs have started to arrive at the hobby farm.  He took the camera with him to work today and took a few pictures. 



The lump of white/brown on the right are lambs.

 This is when sewing is actually good for me.  Not the draft a pattern from scratch or grade up 4 sizes kind of sewing, but a Renfrew, or pj's.  Stuff that really isn't all that complicated (or for the pj's no one will see what I got wrong) but allows me just focus on the next seam, the next stitch.  I can do that if I can get myself into the sewing room and make a decision.  At this point, I think I can work on the shorts because it's just doing what Stephanie tells me to do.  But I won't be dealing with the waistband etc until I'm feeling less brain fog because it's going to involve some thinking.

Oh... I have chocolate stashed away here, time to try some choco-therapy.

Pants Update & Dreams

I did a little bit of work in the sewing room this weekend and will be returning after posting this.  Friday night I washed up all the fabric (except the swimwear) and it all came out just lovely.  The cotton/silk was still feeling so very soft, the red cotton twill is still vibrant and ironed well.  So, all is good.

I cut up another vesion of my pants blocker with the tweak to the front suggested from the last pair.  The wiggle at the side seam is gone, there was some extra fabric between the legs, I'm still finding the right amount to tweak there.  Sad thing is I did that version in some striped fabric passed along by my mom that could be cute pj bottoms.  I should have noticed how clearly I could see the green cutting mat under it.  Let's just say I'm not taking pictures of myself wearing those shorts even for myself just to be safe.  Mr. Lina was very happy with the view from the back so a big high 5 to The Consultative Dressmaker for that.  He is sometimes vague when things don't look right because he doesn't have the vocabulary (it comes out like "there are pleats there" even though nothing is pleated, the fabric is folding into itself), but when things are right, he finds the words.  At this point I feel confident enough to try the red twill shorts.  That's up for this afternoon.

I am quite certain I was dreaming about fabric last night.  I don't remember the dream, but I do remember rolling over and thinking "Oh I'll have to put that on my blog tomorrow".  Damn it, why can't I remember what the heck was going on in the dream itself?  Bah.  I'll take it as a good sign that I want to be in my sewing room and my brain is probably working on the shorts issue and what to do with that cotton/silk stripe fabric.

Given that I have no pictures to contribute with my poor choice in muslin fabric, how about some music?  May 12th we're hosting HOTCHA!  There is a bit of audience noise, but you'll get a feel for the pace of most of their music.



UPDATE:  Picture of my red shorts that are still a work in progress.  I still have too much fabric between my legs but wow, pinning did not work out.  Sure, I pinned out the extra fabric but the back side became a sea of wrinkles.  I'll keep fiddling around, but I thought I'd share my afternoon of work with you.

A little extra fabric in the thigh, but not bad through waist/hips.  Invisible zipper at centre seam.

Hmm, what's that extra fabric poking through by my leg...





What the heck is going on back there? 







Not too bad after pinning, you say?



What happened to my nice bum?  Pinning fail.



Mochaccino Ramblings

I mentioned that my Thurs/Fri client got new coffee machines and oh boy I think I'm getting addicted to the mochaccinos.  They are lovely.  Caffeine is not always good to my punctuation and thought process, so we'll see where today's list goes.

• Mr. Lina has been sick this week.  He took Wednesday off work, worked a little from home on Thursday and has generally been hopped up on Neocitron and wanted to snuggle.  I've watched a lot of tv this week instead of sewing, but it is hard to argue with snuggles.
• I thought I was doing well until I started to cough last night.  I may be skipping the initial feeling stuffy part and going right to the cough.
• Which doubly sucks as we have very close friends visiting tomorrow night from the UK, with their two kids in tow.  I don't want to make them sick at the start of their visit. 
• I did switch to my better vitamins on Saturday, 2 pills twice a day.  I dunno if they are truly that much better, but I don't seem to have flourescent pee from the excess vitamins my body can't process all at once.
• Went to the clinic yesterday to review the plan, price and paperwork.  Switching from IVIG to intralipids streamlines the process, apparently I won't be taking Fragmin (blood thinner, daily injection) but they do want me taking vitamin E daily and there will be a week of being on an antibiotic.
• Intralipids take about 3 hours, they do it in the clinic in an examination room.  I am to bring a pillow, a blanket and something to do.  Apparently most people sleep.  I don't have to bring a driver (although Mr. Lina is still welcome to come) because they don't expect side effects and a nurse will check on me every half hour.  We'll do it once prior to Day 9 of the FET cycle, again with a second positive pregnancy test, and a third time if there is a heartbeat for the six week ultrasound.
• Ah, and the bill...  I guess I'm just too far down the infertility road for suprises, the nurse was teasing us we were so quick to agree and sign papers.  Intralipids will cost us $700 per treatment (far cheaper than IVIG but because that was done in the hospital it was covered by the government) and I'm okay with that.  I can't say I like it, but I'm the one that wants to do this, I would rather see my tax dollars pay for my mom's eye drops so she can see.  FET fees went up from $1200 to $1400, I got the feeling the nurse was expecting us to react to that.  It's not an unreasonable percentage over two years and they typically discount the second FET off of the same IVF by 50%.  I get a lot of personal care from nurses and it's still cheap relative to the US. 
• Odd that the car cost less than the clinic bill but seems to hurt more.  I put $900 into it in January, $1500 yesterday.  Ouch.  Next oil change better just be an oil change.
• So... no dressform for Sera. 
• For now.  And I'm okay with that.
• We are watching How I Met Your Mother on NetFlicks.  It's been great to watch good comedy.  And now we're at the point (season 6 I think) where Lily and Marshall are interested in babies so three episodes have resulted in one of the two of us crying (we seem to have different triggers). 
• How I Met your Mother also inspired Mr. Lina to send me pictures of tea cup pigs instead of lambs.



From http://blog.girlybubble.com

• I don't know if we just power through this story arc or shelve it for a while.  Sometimes it's good to release a little pressure off of the emotional dam. 
• Today is day 31 of this cycle, we're heading into some potential PMS time if my period sticks to it's 35-43 day "routine". 
• Okay, this is going to sound lame, but... we go camping Victoria Day, May 21st with a big group of friends.  If this cycle ends April 1, the next cycle will end fairly predictably at 28-30 days because I'll be taking Provera/Lupron, so say it ends April 30th.  The embryos are specifically Day 5 blastocysts, so they need to be transferred 5 days after I ovulate, so Day 19-21 and that puts the transfer right in the middle of the long weekend.  Yay me.  Another year of camping being fucked up by infertility. 



Day 5 Blastocyst, not actually mine.

• Do I hope that this cycle lasts closer to 40 days and the Provera-induced nightmare lasts an extra couple of days so the transfer is later that week?  I'll still have to drive into the clinic at least once, possibly every day, over that weekend, but we don't travel far to camp, it would be about an hour each way.
• This is the petty and annoying part of infertility treatments, my life becomes nearly unplannable until the time arrives but two months out I know there might be complications.  I've missed camping a few times now because of infertility.  The first IVF cycle I figured I could manage it not realizing that I'd be on two injectable drugs starting that weekend that needed to be refrigerated but not frozen (frozen is more of a risk overnight than too warm in May).  It was insane and led to tears on my part and Mr. Lina completely stressed out worrying about the very expensive medication.  At least this time all the medications are pills.
• Monday I had my performance review and while it went well, there was a clear dividing line of happy Sera prior to August and not so happy Sera after August.  I am harder on myself than they are on me, but in a way that paralyzes myself into feeling useless.  It was nice to hear they still want me. 
• Positive feedback included that I am a good presenter.  I know that, at least, I feel that I am good giving presentations.  I enjoy doing it and I like teaching people, I am comfortable with questions on the fly.  It seems that because I am perceived as quiet, they think I will be shy and then are pleasantly surprised when they attend a presentation and I'm relaxed and engaging. 
• This is a reoccuring theme in my life, people see me differently than I see myself.  Half of them know me as the bubbly, chatty person that feels natural, and the other half think I don't talk at all.  Seriously, the first time this happened was kindergarten.  Although, I was rather selective of who I talked to then so it wasn't entirely unfounded.
• I misplaced my cell phone yesterday, I had it prior to walking into the mechanics, but not after the doctors.  I'm pretty sure it's in my car, I can't see it but my hands free bluetooth seems to be connecting to it so it has to be there somewhere, right?

So, that's essentially my week in review.  With friends visiting overnight, I don't think I'll get to sew this weekend.  Next project is a second take at the Consultative Dressmaker pants block.  I am eager to get at it so first opportunity I'll be there.

Pants Version One & Second Opinions

I have said from the get to, this is a place to sort out my thoughts.  It's a thought sorting kinda day and I need to write some of this out so I don't forget.  We'll start with sewing but it's going to move over to infertility after that.

I did finish up my pants blocker muslin for the Consultative Dressmaker.  It fit a whole lot better than I would have expected for a first version.  The front is just pinned together here, the pictures I sent Steph are awful so I'm only sharing this one with you.  Lighting in my house is terrible for pictures and a muslin of short pants with my belly showing isn't going to be good even with proper lighting.  I'm looking forward to version two.  Even with the issues on this draft, I can see how the final result will end up better than the pants I presently wear to work and hide with long shirts.

Mr. Lina and I were off to see an immunologist yesterday, the long awaited appointment.  My fertility specialist is frustrated with our lack of success and he wanted me to see Dr Laskin for a second (third) opinion.  He was really great, personable, explained things very well, science enough to be specific without being confusing.  I found it an educational meeting on things I somewhat understood already.  He did actually read my novel of a file from the fertility clinic prior to us arriving so we didn't have to spend time rehashing old news or asking me for numbers I'm probably not going to remember specifically.  So that's the good news, I may not sound as positive after this but it really was overall a good experience.

He feels that it's not my immune system to blame.  My T ratio is elevated, but not enough to explain 6 very short pregnancies.  While he doesn't object to the treatment schedule of my last IVF cycle, he's not convinced that it really makes much of a difference, it's a bit of a Hail Mary using IViG - no harm, but not necessarily helping. 

From his perspective, he feels it's one of two things.  Implantation is a very sensitive time, given the number of chemical pregnancies rather than actual miscarriages, it is possible that this is where the problem is.  Embryos are gone before they really get a chance to attach.  There is one pathologist at Yale that does a test on biopsies of the endometrium (yes, they do suck but it's at least quick, this will be my third endobiopsy).  Dr Laskin doesn't feel that this is the best test for implantation issues, but it's the best they have. 

The other possibility is genetic issues, potentially spindle issues.  These are more likely to be an issue with my eggs than Mr Lina's sperm, the eggs just play more of a roll in the process of a cell dividing and a spindle issue would result in the cell not dividing properly.  We can do genetic testing to find out if our embryos have issues, but they usually send at least 6 embryos with the hope that enough come back as good embryos and it costs roughly 3-4 times what the FET is going to cost us.  He did say to us this was totally up to us.  As we only have 4 embryos left, it's not really enough to make it worth it.  For a fresh IVF with lots of embryos (he did compliment the quality of our past embryos) he would absolutely recommend it. 

If we do go ahead with the FET, then he suggests making a scratch in the uterine lining (sort of like the biopsy, but just one scratch not a few).  There is research (started in Israel apparently) that has shown improved implantation success in doing this.  It's too easy not to do from his perspective.  I'm good with that.

So...  thoughts... if this is genetic, it doesn't matter who is carrying my embryos.  I was not a big fan of using a surrogate, but it's honestly more the ick factor than an educated reason and I can get past ick if that makes sense.  If we do go that route, then genetic testing makes sense because if it's a genetic issue it won't matter.  Past that, I don't think the cost warrants doing it.  I would learn that it was a genetic issue perhaps, but so what?  I'm not doing IVF again so either these work or they don't.  This is something that would have been good 4 years ago, it is too little too late.  I am comfortable with doing the biopsy and getting the test done at Yale.  It is more than just a biopsy because it will need to be done at the right point in my irregular cycle, I'll need to go on meds and go through some ultrasounds to time that appointment right.  So the time bothers me but this is fewer tests than I expected from this appointment so in some ways I'm happy with that. 

I guess what just keeps rolling around in my head is that all I want to do is be a mom.  I want someone to care for, I want someone to teach and learn from, I want to grow in my life with children.  I've been ready for that phase for 6 years now.  Marriage is good, but I am not career driven, this is not enough for me in life.  Pregnancy is less and less important to me. 

But... Mr. Lina is struggling with the potential of never having a new born baby.  I can't rush him through that, I can't take on any of that grief, I don't have a way to solve that problem.  If he can't deal with not having a small baby, the way that I can't deal with never being a mother, then I don't know what to do.  This is probably what scares me the most at this point.  Coming out of all that news, the odds of success seem even lower than they ever did and I think that's the only way we could have a newborn.

I was completely wrung out by the time we left his office to the point I could not decide if we should face Toronto traffic at 4:30 or go to a pub to wait it out until our parking expired at 6.  Mr. Lina started off by saying it was up to me but after I stood there for a full minute staring at a wall deciding, he changed his vote to the pub.  Then shopping on the way home, after watching Sherlock, Mr. Lina wants a long cashmere/wool coat.  He didn't find one but I bought shoes at the Nine West outlet (I'll have to check the box for the original price but I paid $37 including tax - total score).  Consolation shoes?

In the spirit of all the sew grateful posts out there, this is my 100th post.  I started writing this for myself.  I didn't think anyone would read it and now I seem to have people visiting every day and regular commenters.  I appreciate each of you for making me feel there is someone listening even when I am mostly talking to myself.  It is a wonderful community and I am so pleased to be part of it.  Your support is always felt and I love getting to know you all in return.  Thank you for being a part of my life.

Two Steps Forward

I was chatting with Clone the other day.  They are settling into their new home in the North West Territories, still figuring out living arrangements as their planned home has a cat and that is not working out well.  Breathing > Cat.  It was mild the day we were chatting and he was enjoying being able to go outside.  He is again, struggling to breathe outside when it's -20C (-4F), the cold air just takes his breath away.  I am not surprised.  I have issues with asthma when I'm around allergens, enough to understand the feeling.  Clone has lung damage from birth that contributes to his asthma.  It is an ongoing issue for him.

When Mr. Lina and I started snow shoeing, I found cold days were hard too, scarves weren't really covering me the way I needed them to.  I took inspiration from Colette's free cowl pattern, bought a half metre of polar fleece and made up some for Mr. Lina and I.  I say inspiration because I didn't print anything off, or make the pretty bow, ours are just black tubes and not nearly as wide as those pictures.  It's hard to see, but I am wearing it in this picture from last winter.

Mom made the mitts (including an idiot string).

I have found it easier to breathe with the cowl, so I offered to make some up for Clone and his wife.  It fogs up my glasses sometimes, but at least it stays in pace better than my scarves do.  So Saturday, I made up two cowls.  Neither are perfect but they will do.  It took a while to remember how I did it the first time.  I should have read the tutorial before winging it because there were seams I sewed inside out more than once.  Sigh, at least it's done, now to get it in the mail.

I was tired most of this weekend.  It was a late night Thursday getting ready, a late night Friday for the house concert, I didn't sleep all that well Friday night (too much late night food to blame I think).  Saturday  I went to bed a little earlier than I do mid week, I had to get up for the bowling tournament.  Silly me was still kind of out of it Sunday morning, I left my bowling shoes and balls at home.  Sigh.  Rental shoes and house balls for me.   I did enjoy seeing the proprietor, she's known me since I was oh... 7 I think.  So I had a good time, saw some people I haven't seen in a while, but I wasn't bowling well and not really awake. 

Sunday afternoon was going to be about the pants blocker.  I taped the pattern pieces together, found some fabric for muslin (pink suiting, polyester, I've made the top from Butterick 5147 from it, must have bought 3m of it) and went about cutting it out.  I really wanted this to be accurate so I took my time, marked out the sewing lines.  And then realized it was folded with the pretty side out so all the marks are not where I would be sewing.  Then I managed to sew the darts one facing in and one out, so it's like having two left sides.

At that point, I figured I needed a nap prior to trying again.  As much as it's a muslin and I don't have to worry about a lot of the seam finishings etc, screwing it up multiple times will not provide the kind of feedback needed on this project.  Between the missteps with the cowl and the pants, it was pretty clear I was not mentally up to sewing.  Two steps forward and one step back is not all that effective.

Now my throat is sore and I am still tired, I'm pretty sure I'm coming down with a cold.  Pout.

About Me is Live

Thank you all for your help in things to include in an About Me section.  It's likely too long but that's the way I write.

Things are a bit busy chez Seraphinalina.  We're hosting a house concert tomorrow night, Debra Lyn Neufeld.  She's bringing a steel body guitar to the basement for an night of blues.  Tonight will require some serious house cleaning and appetizer making.  I should have done more last night but I was tired.  I was reading cookbooks trying to come up with a menu and grocery list and I couldn't focus at all.

Debra Lyn is staying the night with us, so I imagine the morning will be slow moving and a bit of post-concert clean up.  We're going into Toronto to see Samantha Martin and the Haggard.  It's a 4-7 show at Graffiti's Bar & Grill (170 Baldwin Street).  Sam is gearing up to releasing their second album, how can you go wrong with a Pay-What-You-Can event?  We hosted Sam and Mike in May for a house concert.  She's got a voice that will just blow you away.  If you like blues/country, maybe a CCR cover, she's your girl.

And Sunday morning I'm in a bowling tournament.  It's an Ontario 5 Pin Bowling Association (O5PBA) event which means it draws from all kinds of leagues, from social seniors to seriously competitive.  Prizes are great if you move on to win the whole thing, a trip to Dominican Republic maybe, but this is 2 tournaments away from that.  Second prize a few years ago was salad tongs.  Third prize an outdoor thermometer.  Clearly, this is not the kind of tournament to get super excited about.  Still, it's fun to bowl with people in my league who aren't on my team, this particular tournament is at the alley that I grew up bowling in.  It will be good to see the owner, bowl on real wood instead of synthetic.  I am looking forward to it.

You know what I am doing Sunday afternoon?  I'm going to muslin up some pants because I've got version 1 of my pants blocker from the Consultative Dressmaker sitting in my email inbox.  Who knew I'd be so excited about pants?

Have a listen to Samantha Martin.  She kicks all kinds of ass.

 

I'm going to a pants party

Well, not that kind of pants party.  I was one of the lucky winners of the pants blocker from 3 Hours Past The End of the World.  Steph will be offering this as part of her Consultative Dressmaker services.  What a fantastic concept.  You have an issue, need a second opinion, she's your girl.  Sewing can be pretty frustrating when you don't have someone to just push you in the right direction.  I've been able to ask my mom at times for help, but that's not always feasible and a lot of us are self taught.

Many of you know pants are a little scary to me.  Sewing can be like an itch that needs to be scratched.  Fabric calls your name from a distance and it doesn't matter what you planned, it NEEDS you.  I have yet to touch fabric and think, oh, what pretty pants you would make.  I don't even see pants in a store as interesting, just functional.  I don't look at a fly without thinking how on earth does that actually go together... my brain hurts.  I'm sure, like bras, that once you get to it and follow the steps it's not so bad.  But fitting...

Did any of you see the Slapdash Sewists attempt at pants fitting?  Yeah, that's the hell I imagine when I think about it, Trena is a brave woman.  I bow to the mastery of Tanit-Isis and her wonderful array of jeans history.  Absolutely incredible.  All these fitted pants...  sigh.  There is some mental build up needed to go through what Trena did and I've never been up to it.  I'm okay with the however many ill fitting bras I've made.  They don't take up a lot of fabric or really a lot of time, the results are pretty if unwearable by me.  I do get better in technique over time, but pants gone wrong...  my ego hasn't been up to it.

I read that I won the pants blocker while at work on Friday.  I damn near hyperventilated from trying not to laugh and giggle and cheer out loud.  People do not need to think I'm completely crazy.  I now have an idea of how I would react on winning the lottery (although I probably would laugh very loudly because I wouldn't be working there anymore and it's okay if they think I'm the rich crazy girl).  I am up to this challenge with Steph in my corner.  This is so going to rock.