Thursday, March 1

Rough Days

May I start off to say you guys are all great.  I really appreciated the replies to my last post.  It was like a lot of hugs when I needed them.

I suppose I needed to phrase things a little differently.  We're not quite on the adoption bandwagon quite yet.  I still have four frozen embryos I can't walk away from, and that's going to take time.  It's two cycles to do a FET, plus a cycle for the Yale test and whatever time in between.  But... I have requested information on adoption, and it's more about the tone of conversation between us that feels good.  Shifting from obstacles to solutions.  Having a clear idea of what's next if those embryos don't become babies.  Mr. Lina's job is about having back up plans to back up plans (he once called me his redundant memory, I was not amused until he explained the importance of the phrase redundant in his work world) and he's more comfortable when those next steps are well defined.  Sometimes he needs to know what the third option is because only having two is a little... unsettling. 

I haven't posted about how I have been feeling in a little while.  Post-Christmas, pre-immunologist, I was feeling okay.  Maybe not perfect, but good enough that I didn't have much to say on that front.  We even decided to stop seeing our therapist until after seeing the immunologist, and she agreed we didn't need her.  I should have booked that post-immunologist appointment.  It's been a really rough spot again for me.  Tuesday was, well, not pretty.  Sleepwalking, crying driving to work, crying at work, spacing out, leaving work early, nope, not a good day at all.  If I didn't carpool to bowling, I probably would have missed that to just stay home and cry.  So a lot of back sliding has been going on through February.

A great deal of it I think is tied to feeling stagnant.  In limbo.  Unable to change a damn thing and not really wanting to get off my ass to set the ball rolling.  Hormones may also be a factor for the disaster of this week as my 38 day cycle has come to an end just today.  Progesterone makes me feel sad, sad upon sad is not a good thing at all.  Sleepwalking is a sign of stress for me.  I first remember doing it when I was working in aquatics.  If I worked more than 40 hours in a week, odds are I'd start dreaming of the pool.  I would wake up either standing at the foot of my bed wondering where the kids went or lifting sheets looking for a specific 2 year old who fell back into the pool on me once (which in real life was fine, nothing bad happened, but in my dream I can't find her).  I rarely walk far and I'm generally aware it's going on. 

Yesterday, I finally got up some umph to do something.  I phoned the clinic to follow up on the immunologist report, I emailed children's aid for information about adoption, and I spent a little time last night sorting through the crap in my sewing room. 

Not a lot of time was spent cleaning because the sleep walking was tied to the book I'm reading.   The Fuller Memorandum by Charles Stross is part of the Laundry series I recommended to LazySubculturalGirl.  I am enjoying it, but it's a whole lot bleaker than previous books.  The series take place in a modern world where the writings of H.P. Lovecraft are correct and one day Cthulhu and all the other Deep Ones will come and eat our souls, complex math is like magic that connects our worlds to other worlds.  The Laundry is the UK government secret agency that keeps those worlds from colliding with ours and the whole thing covered up.  Generally I've found it amusing (if technical - Andi, I went back and read Atrocity Archives & Concrete Jungle, I still like them but I see what you mean) sci-fi, but man, this one is bleak.  So, no more reading this before bed so I don't wake up at 3am looking for the trap door to the Laundry offices and seeing people with worms behind their eyes.  This is pre-10pm stuff only and there must be something done prior to bed so sewing room cleaning filled the slot nicely.

There were a surprising number of my clothes cluttering up my sewing room.  I guess I take things off to try on what I'm sewing, or see how things were made, and then forget to take it out with me.  Between that and filling two boxes with previously homeless fabric, it actually does look better (I didn't say good, just better).  The third Ikea box is becoming a toy box for when kids visit.  We may have bought a tea party set while at Ikea (okay, we did, but in our defense it was cute and friends have 3 girls of the right age).  We already have a few stuffed animals, construction paper, pencil crayons, and some dinky cars that have been all over the house.  Now they have a single home and it is not my sewing room.

The clinic called me back while I was driving to work this morning and I couldn't get the hands free fast enough to pick up so I'm now in voice mail hell.  I am not willing to wait another 2 months to get feedback on this from my doctor, that is the time frame for appointments with him.  I know what I was told by the immunologist, and yes I want to hear my doctors point of view, but I'm happy to hear it from a nurse. I am not sure they will agree but I can be stubborn at times and this is likely one of them.  Given that it's nearly 5 and they shut down at 3, I'm not getting an answer today.

This will be a music filled weekend.  We are hosting Ben Sures from Alberta on Saturday night.  Sunday we are going to a house concert for Mark Reeves.  From now until Saturday night, there will be much house cleaning going on.  It's a good thing we host so often because I really don't feel inspired to clean on my own behalf.  Ben is actually up for an international songwriting award.  It's a bit complicated, but you go here: http://www.songwritingcompetition.com/news follow the link to like them on Facebook and in Facebook you will see the Peoples Vote button, it will prompt you for an email address and you can vote once per day.  There were quite a few familiar names to me across multiple categories. 

Anyhow, here is a sample of Ben Sures work.

4 comments:

  1. Progesterone is a bitch. Makes me miserable - and fat-feeling! I think the key to moving forward, when I feel totally stuck, is to just do something. Cleaning is a great activity - everything looks better in the end and it gives you time to revel in your misery :-) Also, it's amazing to see how plugging on with one activity will inspire the next. Go on autopilot! (Like sleepwalking, but awake.) xo

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    1. It truly is evil, isn't it? The first time I had to take progesterone supplements (Provera specifically) it was like being hit upside the head. It became abundently clear to me over time that progesterone is Evil.

      Usually it's why I find sewing is good for me. I feel some accomplishment, I only have to focus on one step at a time, I can't overthink crappy feelings while focusing on the next stitch.

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  2. Ha, I don't have a problem with gruesome things in books -- I regularly read Simon R. Green's Deathstalker and Nightside series, where worms behind someone's eyes are the LEAST of the unpleasant descriptions -- but bleak is my book kryptonite. I've given up on finishing books, or even starting some books because they were just too bleak. I prescribe some frivolous romance for you!

    Hormones cause horrible nightmares for me, up to and including jumping/falling out of bed, but all stress does is keep me awake completely. Phone tag is one of my stressors too -- HATE it, and it happens all the time around here thanks to Scouts -- why are people incapable of returning phone calls at rational times? Grrr..... Have you asked them about having notifications and appointments happen via email? My dentist and optometrist have started doing that and it's SO much easier.

    Hopefully the musical weekend will cheer you up! I find that singing along to stuff -- even depressing stuff -- makes me feel dramatically better.

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    1. Book is now done. It was good, very good, twists I didn't see coming at all. I've never had a book impact my dreams. Lately, it has more to do with pj's or lack thereof. I sleep walk less if I wear pj's to bed if Mr. Lina isn't coming to bed at the same time. I'm moving on to the first book from the tv show Castle. So far so good.

      The clinic have their way and I just have to work with it. You leave voice mail, they call you back. I don't get say for appointment times, they just call back with the date. The problem is I don't want that but reception isn't the one to badger about it. So, it's going to be repeated messages to the nurses line. I'm offsite at a company event from 11am on today, I bet they will call back again when I can't talk.

      Music will be good. We have enough people coming I'm not stressing about numbers and I'm really looking forward to Mark Reeves.

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Thanks for your comments, I love to have a two way conversation. I seem to be getting a lot of spam from anonymous users and am turning off the ability to comment that way. I really would like to hear from you so if you do want to add your two cents without an OpenId, email me at seraphinalina at gmail dot com.