I suppose I needed to phrase things a little differently. We're not quite on the adoption bandwagon quite yet. I still have four frozen embryos I can't walk away from, and that's going to take time. It's two cycles to do a FET, plus a cycle for the Yale test and whatever time in between. But... I have requested information on adoption, and it's more about the tone of conversation between us that feels good. Shifting from obstacles to solutions. Having a clear idea of what's next if those embryos don't become babies. Mr. Lina's job is about having back up plans to back up plans (he once called me his redundant memory, I was not amused until he explained the importance of the phrase redundant in his work world) and he's more comfortable when those next steps are well defined. Sometimes he needs to know what the third option is because only having two is a little... unsettling.
I haven't posted about how I have been feeling in a little while. Post-Christmas, pre-immunologist, I was feeling okay. Maybe not perfect, but good enough that I didn't have much to say on that front. We even decided to stop seeing our therapist until after seeing the immunologist, and she agreed we didn't need her. I should have booked that post-immunologist appointment. It's been a really rough spot again for me. Tuesday was, well, not pretty. Sleepwalking, crying driving to work, crying at work, spacing out, leaving work early, nope, not a good day at all. If I didn't carpool to bowling, I probably would have missed that to just stay home and cry. So a lot of back sliding has been going on through February.
A great deal of it I think is tied to feeling stagnant. In limbo. Unable to change a damn thing and not really wanting to get off my ass to set the ball rolling. Hormones may also be a factor for the disaster of this week as my 38 day cycle has come to an end just today. Progesterone makes me feel sad, sad upon sad is not a good thing at all. Sleepwalking is a sign of stress for me. I first remember doing it when I was working in aquatics. If I worked more than 40 hours in a week, odds are I'd start dreaming of the pool. I would wake up either standing at the foot of my bed wondering where the kids went or lifting sheets looking for a specific 2 year old who fell back into the pool on me once (which in real life was fine, nothing bad happened, but in my dream I can't find her). I rarely walk far and I'm generally aware it's going on.
Yesterday, I finally got up some umph to do something. I phoned the clinic to follow up on the immunologist report, I emailed children's aid for information about adoption, and I spent a little time last night sorting through the crap in my sewing room.
Not a lot of time was spent cleaning because the sleep walking was tied to the book I'm reading. The Fuller Memorandum by Charles Stross is part of the Laundry series I recommended to LazySubculturalGirl. I am enjoying it, but it's a whole lot bleaker than previous books. The series take place in a modern world where the writings of H.P. Lovecraft are correct and one day Cthulhu and all the other Deep Ones will come and eat our souls, complex math is like magic that connects our worlds to other worlds. The Laundry is the UK government secret agency that keeps those worlds from colliding with ours and the whole thing covered up. Generally I've found it amusing (if technical - Andi, I went back and read Atrocity Archives & Concrete Jungle, I still like them but I see what you mean) sci-fi, but man, this one is bleak. So, no more reading this before bed so I don't wake up at 3am looking for the trap door to the Laundry offices and seeing people with worms behind their eyes. This is pre-10pm stuff only and there must be something done prior to bed so sewing room cleaning filled the slot nicely.
There were a surprising number of my clothes cluttering up my sewing room. I guess I take things off to try on what I'm sewing, or see how things were made, and then forget to take it out with me. Between that and filling two boxes with previously homeless fabric, it actually does look better (I didn't say good, just better). The third Ikea box is becoming a toy box for when kids visit. We may have bought a tea party set while at Ikea (okay, we did, but in our defense it was cute and friends have 3 girls of the right age). We already have a few stuffed animals, construction paper, pencil crayons, and some dinky cars that have been all over the house. Now they have a single home and it is not my sewing room.
The clinic called me back while I was driving to work this morning and I couldn't get the hands free fast enough to pick up so I'm now in voice mail hell. I am not willing to wait another 2 months to get feedback on this from my doctor, that is the time frame for appointments with him. I know what I was told by the immunologist, and yes I want to hear my doctors point of view, but I'm happy to hear it from a nurse. I am not sure they will agree but I can be stubborn at times and this is likely one of them. Given that it's nearly 5 and they shut down at 3, I'm not getting an answer today.
This will be a music filled weekend. We are hosting Ben Sures from Alberta on Saturday night. Sunday we are going to a house concert for Mark Reeves. From now until Saturday night, there will be much house cleaning going on. It's a good thing we host so often because I really don't feel inspired to clean on my own behalf. Ben is actually up for an international songwriting award. It's a bit complicated, but you go here: http://www.songwritingcompetition.com/news follow the link to like them on Facebook and in Facebook you will see the Peoples Vote button, it will prompt you for an email address and you can vote once per day. There were quite a few familiar names to me across multiple categories.
Anyhow, here is a sample of Ben Sures work.