The Mary Ellen Carter

I babbled a bit about Stan Rogers yesterday, today I want to talk about his song, The Mary Ellen Carter.  Summerfolk closes out every year first singing Good Night Irene and then The Mary Ellen Carter.  The song is about a boat that sank and the crew figuring out how they can salvage the ship they feel so strongly about.

She went down last October in a pouring driving rain.
The skipper, he'd been drinking and the Mate, he felt no pain.
Too close to Three Mile Rock, and she was dealt her mortal blow,
And the Mary Ellen Carter settled low.
There were just us five aboard her when she finally was awash.
We'd worked like hell to save her, all heedless of the cost.
And the groan she gave as she went down, it caused us to proclaim
That the Mary Ellen Carter would rise again.

Well, the owners wrote her off; not a nickel would they spend.
She gave twenty years of service, boys, then met her sorry end.
But insurance paid the loss to us, they let her rest below.
Then they laughed at us and said we had to go.
But we talked of her all winter, some days around the clock,
For she's worth a quarter million, afloat and at the dock.
And with every jar that hit the bar, we swore we would remain
And make the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.

Rise again, rise again, that her name not be lost
To the knowledge of men.
Those who loved her best and were with her till the end
Will make the Mary Ellen Carter rise again.

All spring, now, we've been with her on a barge lent by a friend.
Three dives a day in hard hat suit and twice I've had the bends.
Thank God it's only sixty feet and the currents here are slow
Or I'd never have the strength to go below.
But we've patched her rents, stopped her vents, dogged hatch and
porthole down.
Put cables to her, 'fore and aft and girded her around.
Tomorrow, noon, we hit the air and then take up the strain.
And make the Mary Ellen Carter Rise Again.

For we couldn't leave her there, you see, to crumble into scale.
She'd saved our lives so many times, living through the gale
And the laughing, drunken rats who left her to a sorry grave
They won't be laughing in another day. . .
And you, to whom adversity has dealt the final blow
With smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go
Turn to, and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain
And like the Mary Ellen Carter, rise again.

Rise again, rise again - though your heart it be broken
And life about to end
No matter what you've lost, be it a home, a love, a friend.
Like the Mary Ellen Carter, rise again.

You know the first bunch of times I heard The Mary Ellen Carter, it was exciting.  It was fun to clap and easy to sing along with the crowd, it has a strong beat and energy.  The chorus of "Rise again, rise again" - how can you not feel the power?  But over time, it means more to me.

And you, to whom adversity has dealt the final blow
With smiling bastards lying to you everywhere you go
Turn to, and put out all your strength of arm and heart and brain
And like the Mary Ellen Carter, rise again.

Rise again, rise again - though your heart it be broken
And life about to end
No matter what you've lost, be it a home, a love, a friend.
Like the Mary Ellen Carter, rise again.

After all the pregnancies that haven't gone right, the hope that has been raised only to crash again, this takes just a more personal meaning that brings tears to my eyes.  Sunday, I couldn't even sing along because my throat was tight with tears. 

The song is a bit vague as to the outcome, they know they have everything in place, and tomorrow they will try to raise her but we don't find out if it works.  I feel like that now.  I have all these people hoping, wishing and praying for us, the plans are in place.   I believe something will go right, but I don't know if and I don't know when.  All I have is my bruised heart and hope to rise again. 

Words have power, music has power, when the two come together like this, it is formidable.

This song has actually saved someones life.  In February, 1983, the Marine Electric sank in a storm.  The chief mate got trapped with the boat, but managed to escape and found a partially deflated lifeboat to cling to.  The words to The Mary Ellen Carter came into he head, he sang them over and over, the inspiration of "Rise Again" kept him awake while the storm crashed around him and hypothermia set in.  You can hear him tell this story in his own words (and hear Stan sing) in this clip from a Stan Rogers documentary.  Well worth the 6 minutes if you have them.

Summerfolk 2012 Review

As mentioned, last weekend we were at Summerfolk in Owen Sound, Ontario.  It's a weekend that goes by quickly, it's tiring but it's so good for the soul.  This is going to be a bit of a two part post.  I have more to say about The Mary Ellen Carter and visiting my niece on Monday, but it's a lot to cover in one post.

Mr. Lina and I go with another family, R (who spent New Years with us), his parents and usually one of his sisters and whatever friends she's brought with her.  His mom and I are are really good friends.  She was commenting to me this weekend that conversation just doesn't have limits between us.  I don't see them all that often during the year, R comes for respite with us about twice a year, plus Summerfolk, but when we do... there just aren't any walls.  The part I found interesting in her comment is that she didn't mean it one way as me spilling my guts out to her.  She's got a social work background, she has 4 kids and the oldest with Downs Syndrome.  I admire many of her parenting strategies even if her kids don't always.  I've found her to be a good sounding board when I'm making big decisions.  I'm glad to hear she feels the same way.

But Summerfolk is about music.  Lots and lots of music.

The more Mr. Lina and I host concerts and go to OCFF, the more musicians we know.  My first Summerfolk (I had not quite met Mr. Lina yet) I didn't know a single performer.  I remember R's family talking about who they wanted to see, what was new to them and looking at that paper and thinking, how do you know any of these people?  By contrast, this year I knew...

• Coco Love Alcorn - hosted her in November
• J.D. Edwards
• Nathan Rogers (who with JD and Leonard Pedoski - I know his dad as the founder of Home Routes - forms Dry Bones)
• Ennis
• Suzy Vinnick
• Al Simmons
• The Crooked Brothers
• Jory Nash
• Plus a few other people like John Samosei who are just there every year.

And I had heard of...

• Royal Wood
• Lynn Miles

It's a big difference when you can walk around and recognize the artists off the stage as well as on.

We got a chance to talk to Coco while she was at the autograph table with Royal Wood.  We saw her daughter Ellie a couple of times around the festival, but it was never a good time to interrupt.  The first time it looked like it was lunch time and other times she was with someone I didn't know.  It was good to see her even from a distance.  She took her first steps in my house, Mr. Lina and I have a soft spot for her. 

I'm still absorbing the music from the weekend.  We saw so many great performances.  Like Coco and JD singing Hit the Road Jack as a duet with Al Simmons and Lynn Miles joining in the jam near the end, or Lemon Bucket Orkestra getting the whole amphitheatre on their feet and the 12 member band coming off the stage to dance with the crowd. 

Dry Bones was great, 3 fantastic musicians who look like it's three buddies having the time of their life.  Nathan Rogers is Stan Rogers son.  Those are some huge shoes to fill.  Stan is a legend in Canadian folk music, it's unbelievable how much material he wrote given that he died at 33.  We spent a fair bit of time talking about that this weekend, how Stan has probably become more of a legend because he died.  Nathan sounds a lot like his Dad and he did sing a few of Stan's songs like Northwest Passage (we were in the audience for this version in 2007) and he sang The Mary Ellen Carter for closing (which he also did in 2007).  It is great to hear, it gives me chills, but I think his own music suits him a little better.  When other people sing a Stan song (YouTube has around 350 hits for Barrett's Privateers, only a few are Stan), it's their own version of his song.  Nathan can't help but sound like he's trying to be his dad. I like a lot of his solo work, it was interesting to see him more playful with Dry Bones.  Sadly this clip from the Winnipeg Folk Festival starts part way through the song but they played it twice on the weekend and I loved it.  JD and Leonard are ham boning while Nathan is singing.  It's an old song to the days of prohibition where alcohol was banned but you could get your hands on just about anything else, I give you... Cocaine...

The evening shows take place in two spots, "Down by the Bay" (which is the beer tent), and the Stan Rogers Amphitheatre.  It's quite the process to get the seats and if I didn't have R's family to show us the ropes, I'm not sure we'd figure it out.  Early in the morning, people line up.  To the point that some people set up a little tent this year and slept at the front of the line.  Usually R's dad and Mr. Lina get up around 6:30 to go line up.  Around 8, they start handing out numbers.  Everyone goes for breakfast (maybe a shower), leaves their chairs lined up in order.  At 10 or 10:30, people line back up in their order and 40 people at a time are let into the grounds to set up their chairs (4 per person max).  This is what it looked like on Sunday all sped up to fit into 2 minutes.  There are a few red chairs about 3 rows up, I'm pretty sure that is where we were sitting.

Those chairs sit there all day.  People don't touch them.  There are volunteer "security" walking around during the day, but most of them are post-menopausal women.  These are no wanna-be police officers with attitude, it is people wearing fanny packs, tie die, or "mom jeans" under their official vest.  The closest thing to a weapon they might have is a wind up flashlight and hot flashes.  It's funny looking at all the empty chairs and tarps and blankets like it's a multicoloured theatre.

One last video for KLine.  I put this in her comments, but I have to mention it again.  She has bought a new bicycle, a lovely one well suited to her urban needs.  Coco is also a huge cycling fan.  She has not only one bicycle song, but three.  Three.  Can't have the bikes getting jealous, she might think she loves one more than the other.  She performed this one at our house and again at the Gazebo, it makes me giggle every time I hear her sing it, she has an amusing anecdote to the song midway through.  KLine, this is for you.

Eight Years

Today is another significant date in the Lina household.  August 21, 2004, Mr. Lina and I got married.  Tonight, we're going to catch more music.  Dave McEathron and Bryan Butler are playing tonight at the Dakota in Toronto.  We hosted them for New Years Eve, it will be good to see them again.  Ann Vriend is opening for them and we saw her at OCFF, it will be good to hear her again.  With Samantha Martin (we hosted June/11), Dave Borins and Jadea Kelly also planning to attend if the Facebook invitation is correct, there could be a few people up on stage.

When Mr. Lina proposed to me, he did it with an invitation.  The front said "Mr. Lina & Guest".  I was rather miffed by still being "& Guest" this far into our very stable relationship.  I passed the unopened envelope to him say it is was his coworker throwing this party, he should open it first.  Poor Mr. Lina, I had no idea.  So he opened it, read it, passed it back saying I should read it carefully.

So I read it.

Including the song lyrics greyed out behind the "You are invited to the 45th anniversary...".

I read ALL the lyrics.

It's a song with a fair number of words.

Still thinking about "& Guest". 

Then I opened it up to see that it was an invitation to our 45th anniversary, date and time to be determined.

On the inside, he wrote out all the things he wanted to say. 

About building a life with me.

Having children with me.

The struggles we'd already been through.

The struggles we knew were coming with wanting those children.

And he ended with a question, would he still see my smiling face 45 years from now?

8 down, 37 to go.  It's going to be one hell of a party when we get there.

One Year

It has been a full year now that I have been blogging.  Strange how it feels like it's still kind of new but I feel such attachment to you all.  It helps that I was reading long before I was blogging.  It's Friday, I'm still stressed about that project and I've had a dark chocolate hot chocolate/espresso whatever on a poor nights sleep.  Earlier this week I thought about writing up an aniversary post.  It is also Falling Through Your Clothes blogoversary and her post this morning was a reminder that I did not.  She was much more organized in her annual review.

So it's random thought time...

• I usually hate markers of time, but this one feels pretty damn cool.
• I've managed to keep my mouth shut about the blog, I wasn't sure I'd be good at that.
• I seem to average about 15-20 posts a month. The pace feels right for me. I don't know how people write every day.

Sewing thoughts...

• Best thing I've made this year, probably the purple bra, Elan 645.  It was certainly the most worn.
• I really do miss my Elan bra since the strap broke.  I should find a way to fix that.
• Favourite pattern, oh Renfrew likely, I did make 4 of them and I wear them all the time.
• I was going to make a collage but that didn't go so well. 
• Next year I'll plan ahead.
• Some new non-sewing skills like crochet and embroidery.
• Although I have not made pants (yet), I did enjoy the process of the pants blocker and the pj's I made from that are my favourites.  They are quickly circled through the laundry rotation.
• It doesn't feel like I've sewn an awful lot over the past year, but what I wear to work usually has something me-made so I must be doing something right.

Non-sewing thoughts...

• This blog has helped my mental health.
• I don't feel I write for others, it's quite theraputic to just put words down and sort thoughts out.
• Still, your support has been felt over and over and over.
• Thank you.

And last non-anniversary thoughts...

• It is Summerfolk, can't wait to see Coco Love Alcorn, JD Edwards, The Crooked Brothers, Jory Nash, Suzie Vinnick, etc, etc, etc...
• End of the workday cannot arrive too soon.
• Time with my niece went well last night. 
• I still haven't cried about it so I take that as a win.
• Mom is not crazy, she does look like my baby picture when she's sleeping.

• Crazy girl is doing a lot she shouldn't for being two weeks old. 
• We were lying down on the couch (above) to watch her do baby push ups, she has exceptional neck control.
• Apparently she's rolled over from her tummy to her back once.
• She's outgrown newborn clothing already (she got a bit of a head start being 9lbs at birth).
• She liked Mr. Lina a lot. 
• We're going for another visit on Monday after Summerfolk.

The downside to training

Apparently in my haste yesterday, I did a crappy proof reading job, I've made minor tweaks...

Sometimes, it's just faster to do it yourself. 

I am a shade frustrated with that.

I need to remind myself he won't learn if I do it.


Even if it would be faster.

This project is beyond his skills to be as independent as my manager thinks he should be with it.

Did I mention it's due tomorrow?

Guess who I'm going to do see tonight?

I am going to hold a baby.

Maybe that will make this project disappear.

I'm sure it will feel good while I've got the baby.

I am not so sure it's going to feel good when I leave the baby behind.

I should have put this in bullet points from the outset, shouldn't I?

My mom is convinced my half Vietnamese niece looks like me. 

Really? 

I suspect she is saying that to make me show up and see for myself.

At least she'll have better ears if they are like mine rather than my brothers. 

Clone could give Prince Charles a good run for his money.

And I freaking missed the employee store in my efforts to work on that stupid project. 

Damn it.

I could use some chocolate too.

Clearly.

At least traffic will be lighter going home...

Montreal planning

So last post I mentioned we'll be going to Montreal for a film fest.  I got my dates confused, Brantford film festival is in November, Montreal is September 14-16.  We see my doctor on the 14th in the afternoon so I think we'll be leaving after that appointment.  Montreal is close in Canadian terms, but it is still a good 6+ hour drive depending on traffic, washroom stops and dinner. 

Montreal - 2009, vacation with Mr. Lina

Mr. Lina booked the hotel today so it feels all official and close and exciting.  And Google says it's only 17 minutes using the subway to get from our hotel to fabric stores on St Hubert.  After 6 hours of driving, what's 17 minutes?  I think I can do that on my own and be back before whatever movie(s) Mr. Lina has gone to see is over.  An entire weekend of horror movies is going to be a little much for me and I'm not enough of a celebrity person to line up for autographs for the US cast of Being Human, James Marsders from Buffy/Angel, etc.  I don't mind being scared, but I spook easily and prefer to watch them at home so I can hide.  Or pace.  Or hold a pillow. 

And in other Mr. Lina news, it seems he has been spared in lay offs.  They finally made the cuts they are going to make in his area of the company and he gets to stay.  His team has gone from 19 people to 11.  It is a relief to just know one way or the other what's going on.  Now to see how they reorganize the comany when it's pretty much been cut in half. 

Movie Mania

Friday night I was still at loose ends, deciding what to do for the weekend while Mr. Lina was away filming.  9pm he called, they needed microphone cables that were in the basement, could I bring them?  Now the shoot was in Brantford, about a 60-90 minute drive.  Possibly two hours because the QEW/Hamilton is a bit of a Bermuda Triangle of traffic and construction.  By the time I found the cord, made tea to go and drove out there, it was going to be close to 11 when I got there.  I said I wasn't dropping it off and leaving, I'd stay the night and get out of the way in the morning. 

Morning came and then they needed someone to go for coffee.  And perhaps a few groceries while they were getting coffee.  I was the only person without a role in the film, so guess who got groceries?  And then put out the groceries so there were snacks etc?  And then bbq'd sausages for dinner?  Guess who left at 11pm? 

It was very cool to be part of it, I just would have planned a little differently.  I did take a book but because I thought I'd be leaving after the coffee run, I put my overnight bag in the car.  You can't move in the house when they are filming a scene.  There is time while they set up the lights to make noise and then you can't even walk.  Going to the bathroom requires timing.  This would have been a good time to bring my crochet because I could have felt productive while being very quiet.


So it turns out that I wasn't experiencing deja vu, I really did make a thong for Tasha & Friends two years ago when they first were going to film it.  It was kind of funny to see something I did so long ago and didn't remember.  It is crazy small, white lace with just elastic at the waist and connecting the two triangles.  I know all these thongs are going to sound like it's a naughty movie, really it isn't.  Part of the movie is the dryer breaks down and a repair man is called (I'm not helping here, am I?).  There is clothing around the laundry room but not worn by the actor.  I was there for the scenes with the white pair, the repair man steals them on his way out.  White is great because it really popped against his dark blue coveralls and being small it was easy to stuff quickly into a pocket or flick it around.  It amused me to see something I made being used and the source of many jokes.  Sadly I don't have a picture, Mr. Lina was using our good camera to film the movie.  People were taking pictures so I'm sure they will show up on Facebook etc at some point.  Hopefully I can include one of my work in action.

The Post Lifers has been accepted into more film festivals in the past few days.  Looks like I will get a decent trip to Montreal this year after all, it's showing in November at a horror festival.  They are in the juried category for Montreal so they will be up for prizes which is another reason to attend in person.  Brantford has also accepted TPL, I had no idea they had a film festival, it's not that big of a town.  A lot of my Dad's family live there, I may have to see if I can drum up a little family interest to attend.  I mentioned that they got into the New Orleans Film Festival, we're definitely putting that as a priority to go to now.  It seems they are trying to arrange a local zombie krewe to go in costume.  How cool would that be? 

So those of you who have been fabric shopping in Montreal, where should I go?  I've been to the city a few times but never with fabric in mind.  I don't know where the film fest is in the city yet, but it would be good to know as we plan the road trip.

My Contribution to Film

Mr. Lina is going to be filming the next movie from Friday to Monday so the long weekend we were running a few last minute errands for the film.  Mr. Lina mentioned he needed to buy a thong for the movie.  I said I could do that.  Really, it gave me an excuse to put off the zipper situation on the purple dress and it's two triangles sewn together.  I can do that.

This is made from pantie fabric from Sew Sassy - Y2705 (they spell it i.e., I want to spell it with a y, either way, it really does feel nice), picot elastic from Sew Sassy and some FOE I think I bought at Fabricland, I've had it for a while so I'm not sure.  Mr. Lina wanted it all black (oh so easy to photograph) so the FOE is actually inside out.  The proper side has silver threads on one side, when you stretch the waist band you can still see a few glimmers.  If I understand right, Mr. Lina wanted this to be as tiny and stretchy as possible.  It will be used more like a string than underwear.  The actress will not need to wear it, so sizing didn't really matter, I took the sizing roughly from a RTW thong in my drawer.  I made it a little too small for me and told Mr. Lina I didn't want it back, if the actress would like to keep the "wardrobe", she was welcome to it.

My sewing room really needs to be tidied up.  I have many shoe/boot boxes that keep things like elastic or ribbon or black bra supplies together.  It works pretty well for me.  Until I misplace the box that has the cotton knit I use for the gusset on underwear.  I must have spent half an hour looking for that box.  I still haven't found it (although I did find a RTW bra I was looking for), I ended up using a little snippet of pointe knit, same fabric I made my last Renfrew from.

Why does the couch look wavy?  I really should have taken my time last night.

The one challenge with this kind of project is keeping everything facing the right way.  Because the triangle in the back is not attached to the front, it's really easy to think you have the elastic facing the right way only to sew it all on and realize there was a twist in it.  Ask me how I know.  Between looking for the box and resewing the waistband on, this took much longer than it should have.

I also needed to get my ass in gear on the blanket.  My brother has gone back to the NWT, I think I'm healthy enough to meet my niece but Mr. Lina is still having some lingering coughing and congestion.  I don't want to go without him so I'll wait until after the film is shot.  I've started the boarder but each side has a different stitch pattern to get started so it's been slow going.  I think it's 4 rows of single crochet and then a few rows of the shells to make a wavy edge.

Sorry for the night time picture, it really is a pretty green.

I bought some pink, yellow and variegated yarns, providing options on what to use.  Mr. Lina liked all three but he really liked the variegated yarn.  I figure you shouldn't ask an opinion if you aren't going to consider it.  I liked pink best because I know who it's for but I liked yellow best because it was pretty, this felt like a compromise when I just couldn't decide.    We'll see how it looks when I have more than one row done.  I can always switch back to green for the wavy shell part.

One little whiny story.  I went to Montreal on Tuesday for work.  There were 3 newish employees who needed training on the product I specialize in and part of their time was associated with my client so I will be working with them.  My account director decided it was cheaper to send me to them rather than all three of them to Toronto.  I like training, I was happy to meet many people I work with on a regular basis but have never had the opportunity to meet.  I did not realize what the day was going to end up like.  I was on an 8am flight to Montreal (i.e. the alarm went off at 5:40am) and I was on a 5pm flight home.  Fortunately both my home and employers office are close to their respective airports, but it's still about 2.5 hours between the flight time and pre-boarding each trip to end up being in the office from 10am to 3:30pm and I spent all of that time standing at the front of the room talking.  Lunch ended up being a quick take out from the mall across the road because there wasn't time to have a social meal.  AND no time to go fabric shopping.  I mean really, what were these people thinking?  Why did I not speak up sooner?  I'd say next time but I have been with my employer over 6 years and 2 years being associated with a client that has a head office in Montreal, I don't know when "next time" will roll around. 

Anyone live in New Orleans?  The Post-Lifers has been accepted to the New Orleans Film Festival.  Mr. Lina also submitted to the New Orleans Horror Festival and is waiting to hear back.  We are thinking that we'll go to one of the two festivals, both are in October about two weeks apart so we can't stay for both.  I'm happy to have another reason to go to NOLA even if it's just for a couple of days.

Happy Simcoe Day!

I'm a little early with the Happy Simcoe Day! title, but this is the start of the long weekend.  Monday is a holiday in most but not all of Canada.  Different regions call it different things, to me, it's Simcoe Day after John Graves Simcoe who did all kinds of cool things like being the first Lieutenant Govenor of Upper Canada (essentially Ontario prior to the formation of Canada), the founder of York which became Toronto, he had an impact on our court system, abolishing slavery, etc.  Whatever, it's a long weekend without any particular holiday to celebrate unless you want to.  Being sick, we will be celebrating at home.  My cough has moved to the unconrollable spasming kind a couple of times a day but other than that I feel okay.  Mr. Lina is hopped up on neocitron and staying home today. 
So far life as an aunt still seems a bit surreal.  My cousin's wife hit me up on Facebook to say congratulations.  I think I was convincing by text.  Assuming all went well last night, they are coming home (to my parents) from the hospital today so at least I can call them and if it's not a good time my parents will tell me.  Thing is, I need to see my niece, I don't think a phone call is going to be enough of a connection but at least my brother won't feel like I'm avoiding him.

The good thing about the baby being born is that I know the gender.  I'm still not finished the blanket.  I keep forgetting to take it to the basement with me when watching television.  The basic rectangle needs I think 6-8 more rows.  Not much really, but there is still the boarder to do.  So do I add a little pink or keep it white so it could be used for a boy if they have more kids?  I'm leaning to pink myself. 

Have you all seen the Almas popping up all over?  I have to get on my Sewaholic patterns.  I bought Pendrell when Renfrew launched and I still haven't made it up.  I'm thinking I should hold off on buying Alma until I try Pendrell just so I don't have another pattern waiting in the queue.  But it sure is tempting.  I don't think I'm a pattern collector the way I am a fabric collector.  I want patterns to use them, not to hold them where I think I buy fabric because it's pretty and it might not be there next time.  Which is ridiculous because odds are next time, I'll see more fabric I like.

Mr. Lina gets a bit snuggly when he's sick.  Evenings this week have either been me feeling too fuzzy headed to sew or hanging out with him.  My purple dress is still in my sewing room in need of a zipper, sleeves and hem.  The laughter has reduced to a chuckle because who can laugh for a week straight?  Hopefully I'll get to that this weekend while we rest up. 

I am an aunt

And I'm still not sure how I feel about that.

My SIL had the baby girl at 4:30 this morning.  Everyone is happy and healthy, the baby is 9lbs and I haven't figured out a nick name for her yet so she'll just be my niece for now.  Clone did come back home to be here for the birth but he has to head back to the NWT on Sunday.  I gather my SIL and niece will be here until the end of August and her dad is going to go back with them when the time comes.

My mom phoned just before I left for work with the news.  I just felt numb but happy to hear it all went well and my brother was here for the birth.  I had been told that she was in very early labour yesterday, she went in to be induced but she was already 3cm dilated.  So I wasn't surprised by the call.

My drive to work was good but I don't remember any of it, I forgot my pass at home, the meter in the parking lot didn't like my corporate card so now I'll have to expense it myself.  It was later than usual by the time I got to my desk.

And then I opened my email to see pictures of the three of them and started crying.  Not a lot of crying, but I couldn't hold them in.

I don't want to be an aunt.

I want to be a mom.

Mr. Lina and I both have colds (mine is in my chest, lots of coughing but I don't feel as bad as I did earlier in the week) so we'll have to hold back on visiting in person.  It's too bad because I'll probably feel better about the baby than I do about the pictures.  Look at that, I went back to calling her "the baby" not my niece.  Apparently I am not ready for attachment.

File this under rambly sorting out my thoughts post.  I'm sure they will be changing by the day if not the hour.