It will be my birthday. It doesn't really feel like my birthday or anything special. It feels... overwhelming.
My day tomorrow is busy. It's an early close day at work which is awesome. Nothing wrong with getting off at 1pm. I have also booked a hair cut for 3pm. That was to be sure that I actually left work on time on my birthday. The downside... my car is going in for repair. It's a 2002 and I've put a lot of milage on her, she's starting to show it. Living in Ontario, I have to get emmision testing done alternating years so I can update the license plates. So considerate of the government to make me pay $35 for that plus the stickers etc on my birthday. Mr. Lina and I will likely go out for dinner, come home for wine and snuggles. I say likely because he still sounds horrible, I think this is moving from his head to his chest. We may have to adapt that plan.
Anything that marks time is hard for me. Christmas, birthdays, May long weekend, as much as I love it, even Summerfolk. I've mentioned I'm on the long road to being a mom. It's a very long road and every milestone reminds me. It reminds me of where I hoped I would be by now. It reminds me of how I felt a year ago, what I've been through in that year. It reminds me of just how much time has gone by. It's hard.
This past year had a lot of crappy things. Last fall was more immune testing to figure out why I can't stay pregnant. Then a miscarriage in January that kind of verified that the problem isn't with the embryos or genetics. We went to visit my in laws in Manitoba and it was a good visit but they have significant flooding all summer at their cottage. What was a beautiful grass lawn to the lake is now a moat and an earth dike, the lake has outhouses and all kinds of things floating by so you know the septic tank that was under that outhouse is also in the lake. It's sad to see. My grandmother-in-law is turning 88 this month and that is wonderful, but I see her aging. I've had cycles where I tried to get pregnant and sometimes medications didn't do what they should and once we finally got that right, it didn't work and I went over my reasoning for not trying again this month.
But would I have a do-over? No. Not at all. I loved the feeling of being pregnant for the couple of weeks that I knew about it. It filled my heart. We hosted 8 house concerts, all of them with fantastic musicians and brought our friends and family together. I see my brothers and my parents more often now that we host so many concerts. Some of those musicians are still in touch with us, hopefully we'll be connecting with Kev Corbett when he is in Ontario this fall. We started to snow shoe in November and it's been a great experience, good exercise, a way to love winter again and time with Mr Lina without his blackberry. I got to sandbag in Manitoba and feel like a contributing member of my in laws family. I made some awesome clothing. 3 versions of Lekala 5432, some bras that didn't quite work out but I learned a lot, Lekala 5241 for myself and again for my new sister in law. Speaking of my sister in law, my youngest brother got married last October to the perfect person for him. It's been interesting watching them merge family traditions and carve out their own space.
Speaking of the wedding, just so this isn't a totally pictureless post, I had one of the best pictures ever taken of me at that wedding. Their photographer was worth his rate for this alone. Seriously I don't look this good in person. I think this will be my Facebook profile picture forever.
More often than not I look like this:
That's Mr Lina and I at Summerfolk after the rain stopped. I got carded that day. Score one for pouring rain, layers of clothing and hats to cover non-styled white hair!
So, I will shake off this poor me feeling and enjoy tomorrow. Well, outside of paying the bill for the car repairs, plates and drive clean. Past that, it's going to be a very good day. I know it.