Thursday, January 31

Le Sigh

You know emotionally I've had a good few weeks.  In early January I felt a few red flags going off as I was passively letting time go, maybe hiding from what I should feel, but it's been okay lately.  Not a lot of bad thoughts, I did some sewing for Mr. Lina, I've enjoyed spending time with my niece.  It's been okay.

Well, that's come to a grinding halt.

I've had a few headaches since Friday.  Not overly painful, but they leave me with the fuzzy headed feeling I have while taking migraine medications.  Things like... more word slips (like saying to the waitress on Sunday "We'll have the calamari as a sausage"), slower to make connections between things, struggling to figure out the best way to get from A to B (be that analytic process or driving), forgetting about training that was in my calendar (that was yesterday).  I didn't get everything done on Friday that I wanted to, but chalked it up to my headache and figured I'd make it up on the weekend.  Alas, I did not.

Monday and Tuesday, I started to ignore emails.  Then I'd feel my heart beating when I thought about that unread email.  But I didn't want to read it because I knew what was in there was more work.  Or a query about work I was suppose to have done on Friday.  Overwhelming is the word I keep coming back to.

I am fine face to face.  I am fine with Mr. Lina.  I am fine emailing non-work people, having lunch with a friend yesterday, but things just aren't right.  Yesterday I had a coworker ask me on communicator if I was okay, I didn't seem right to him.  Seriously, you can tell from a chat window?  That was actually what pushed me from "it's just a day" to "what the fuck".  Next email was from my manager asking if I was okay.

I had a bath last night, went to bed a little early, put my book away and promptly started to cry.  I don't know why.  I'm not sad, I'm not particularly baby sad, I have no bad things to associate with February. I have really negative thoughts circling around about not being able to do things (which is reinforced by sausage vs starter moments) or not wanting to be here or just wanting people to go away.  I don't get it.  I don't even know what to talk about to get it out.  I don't have the words to explain why, this post is all about "what" so maybe when I reread it, I'll see the why.
 
I just found a mistake in work I wanted to send off today.  Actually I wanted to wrap it up on Friday to look proactive with this quarterly project that I typically fall behind on, it's really due tomorrow.  But here I am finding a mistake at 6 pm.

On one hand, I'm happy I found it.

On the other, why can't I just do it right?  I went slow, I checked along the way, ARRRRGH.

And now it's snowing and really windy so my drive home is going to be crappy.

And I still have to fix that mistake and prep for a meeting at 9:30 tomorrow morning on something completely different.  AARRRRRGH.

I don't know if I should wish that the weekend was here or not because it just means there is that much more to get done in that much less time. 

Thanks for listening.  I just couldn't face redoing my work without getting some of this out first.

Tuesday, January 29

Liebster!

Well this Liebster award comes with quite the contract.  11 facts about myself, then I have to answer questions that my nominator picked, then I get to come up with questions for the people I pick.  And then nominate bloggers with fewer than 200 followers. 
So let's get started, shall we?

11 Facts about Myself - Many of these are elsewhere on my blog but they are what has come to mind.
  1. I studied geography and Canadian Studies in university.
  2. The farthest west I have been is Kelowna, BC and furthest east is Nevis, West Indies (Halifax is a close second but I looked up the longitude, Nevis wins by a degree).
  3. I am named after my paternal grandmother who died prior to my birth.
  4. I love tea.
  5. I started wearing glasses in Grade 7, I now think I look weird without them.
  6. I was a life guard and swimming instructor through high school and university.
  7. I took three Spanish classes, two in high school and one in university.
  8. I love dancing with my husband, cha cha, rumba, waltz, fox trot and tango are my favourites.
  9. I am 5' and a half inch.  I like that half inch as much as I like being short.
  10. I find sharks fascinating.
  11. I support a few independent musicians through house concerts, advance purchase of CDs, etc, my name is in a few liner notes.  Including this guy, Corin Raymond

Questions from Aft Agley:

1. What is the most important thing about you?
I think what drives my life at the moment is wanting to be a mom.  Even when I'm in a holding pattern, it's still influencing the decisions I make in my career, my home, and infertility has a huge impact on your marriage.  Impact is not necessarily a bad thing, all of the crap we've been through has made many aspects of our marriage stronger, financially we're in a better spot than when we first tried to have kids (double income no kids has a lot to do with that), it's not all doom and gloom. 

2. Name three things you would like to do this year?
  1. Sharpen my scissors.  Lame, but true.
  2. See my last two frozen embryos fulfill their destiny and move on to the next stage.
  3. Find my sewing mojo again.
3. Do you set goals?
Not often.  I think of it more like to-do lists where some get ticked off sooner than others.  Firm goals set me up for guilt and procrastination.

4. Do you have a dayplanner?
I used to be a daytimer person.  I have daytimers from when I was in high school and I'm amazed at how busy I was (helps when someone else makes your meals, does your laundry...).  But I stepped away from it.  The real problem is that I rely on Outlook to pop up with meeting reminders at work.  A paper book doesn't do that and I can't keep a paper version as up to date as my Outlook so it becomes redundant.  Household events go on a calendar in the kitchen.

5. What is your favourite tv show?
I don't watch a lot of TV, we're pretty selective often waiting to see what happens with a series and watching it on DVD at our own pace.  For humour and still on air, Castle.  Treme has had a real impact on me but we aren't keeping up with current episodes.  Past shows, The Wire, Firefly, Arrested Development.  Guilty pleasure?  Charmed.

6. What is your favourite book?
Anne of the Island by Lucy Maud Montgomery is one I've read over and over through my teens and 20's, but it's been a while now.  I revisit The Fire-Dwellers and The Diviners now and again, both by Margaret Lawrence and as I age I draw from different parts of the books.  They are part of 5 books that are loosely connected through the fictional town of Manawaka, Manitoba which is based on Neepawa, Manitoba and my husband lived in Neepawa in his early childhood.  For Christmas, my MIL framed a picture she took of the stone angel in the Neepawa cemetery that the book Stone Angel is titled for  (although for the record, it is my least favourite book of the series, I should read it again because I might appreciate it now that I'm not 17).

7. Do you sew, knit, etc?
I sew and I know how to crochet one blanket, I specify one blanket because I understand quite a few crochet stitches but pattern reading is still confusing.  I'm game for other needle/crafty kind of things, but they are usually one-offs.  Like embroidering tea towels as a gift or painting stained glass stickies to my bathroom window.

8. What does an ideal day look like?
Oh boy.  There would be many things:
  • Time with Mr. Lina.
  • Tea, rooibos, black, flavoured black, I like it all.
  • Time to read or sew or crochet.
  • Good food.
  • Friends.
  • Sleep.
9. Have you ever been to a spa?
Yes, but not often.  Usually seems like a lot of money so when I have gone, it's been a gift or part of a package of sorts.  In a lot of ways I'm actually more comfortable getting a massage from an RMT in a medical office than the pampering of a spa.

10. How do you make the world a better place?
You do ask the big questions, don't you Nothy?  I volunteer my time, maybe not as much as I used to but what I can.  I am on the executive for my bowling league, I sometimes get paid for this but I like to spend time with my friend with Down Syndrome.  And lastly, I don't know how this helps the broader world but it sure helps my world.  I'll do a lot to help my husband reach his dreams of making movies.  Like sewing 24m of fabric into 3 back drops.

11. What is a goal you've set that you met more easily than you anticipated?
Things that come easy to me I think are easy for everyone and therefore not achievements.  This took some thinking but I found one, it's a bit of a story so get comfy.

When I was growing up, I was the chatty one, the bubbly one, the one people got along with and maybe the quiet one if I was afraid of saying the wrong thing to someone I adored (like my kindergarten teacher).  My brothers were the smart ones.  Not to say I'm stupid or ever thought I was stupid, but I always felt "average" and my brothers were in the gifted program.  I was friends with people who won school awards and I had to work pretty hard on subjects like math and science and I was pretty aware when I didn't know what I was expected to know.  My middle school report cards were usually full of Bs, averaging out somewhere between 74 and 78.
Third term of grade 7 (I would have been 12 starting that school year) I had an average over 80% for the first time thus qualifying me for honours.  It was truly an epiphany.  I realized that I could get honours, that it wasn't impossible or a pipe dream. 
My middle school gave out school letters (a G you could sew onto something) if you earned 100 points through after school activities and a larger letter G if you also got 4 terms of honours over the 3 years at the school (so 4 of 9 terms).  I was already close to 100 points at the end of Grade 7, and I was going to be in band/choir in Grade 8 which would be enough for the Little G.  But the Big G, well, I'd need to get honours all three semesters of Grade 8 to do that.  Getting honours once and getting it 4 times in a row are not the same thing, but I put my mind to it once I knew what I had to do.
And I did.
I also signed up for everything.  The choir, the band, the play (speaking part in Annie), I ran for class president (and lost).  If there was a sign up sheet that didn't involve athletics, I was on it.  I swear it was a year I blossomed and I suspect I got 100 points in that year alone.  Outside of school I volunteered at the pool helping teach swimming lessons on top of my usual competitive swimming, participated in a cross school pairing with a special needs class, my bowling average increased and I came in 4th at a provincial bowling tournament.  Lots of good things happened that year.
And I really didn't have to do much to get it, I just had to believe that I could.

So the last part of Liebster is nominating a few bloggers (ideally with less than 200 followers) and posing them questions.  I must say, asking questions is not one of my strengths, but I'll put on my investigative reporter hat and give it a go.

  1. Where is the farthest you have travelled?
  2. Do you seek out salty or sweet foods?
  3. What is your favourite movie?
  4. Tell us about a time in your life where there was a shift - in attitude, work, home, relationships, - something that changed going forward.
  5. What is it about fabric that catches your eye? 
  6. What is your favourite season?
  7. What sewing gadget could you not live without?
  8. What is your favourite thing in your closet?
Okay, that's enough questions.  I like conversation more than questions.

The Liebster has certainly made a few rounds in the blog world, I hope my quick search was right that I'm not renominating people.  I nominate:
But if you have not received this award and would like to play along (or have and would like to answer my 8 questions anyhow) please feel free to!  The rules seem a little fast and loose (Funny Grrl I'm looking at you - to my benefit I might add) so play the way you'd like.

Monday, January 28

I wanna be in pictures

I can't believe it's been over a week since I last posted.  Aft Agley has given me a Liebster Award and I have that post almost ready but not quite.  And it's the not quite that has held me back from posting.  It's been a very busy week chez Lina.  Fortunately I did get a chance to tell you all to enter in the contest at Falling Through Your Clothes because it was that entry that won the fabric.  Super cool!  Thanks, FunnyGrrl.

So what has gone on?
  • Two dinners with my SIL and my niece.
  • Sadly they are heading back to NWT today, hopefully it goes well as Toronto has snow this morning and freezing rain coming as the day warms to +4C
  • My parents have headed south to Florida
  • Which means I can do a little cheap-shipping online shopping this week (yay!)
  • Last day of principle photography for Mr Lina's next movie was Saturday
  • I did sew 24m of fabric into 3 backdrops - more on that below
  • Corin Raymond released Paper Nickles - his Canadian Tire funded album, we went to the Wednesday release party
  • A bowling tournament yesterday. 
  • I did not bowl well but it was nice to bowl on wood.  The lanes I usually bowl at are synthetic, it's just not the same.
Busy, busy, busy.

So those backdrops.   They took way longer than I thought a few straight seams were going to take.  In short, these needed to be 9' high and light blue would be 15' wide and two in black about 7' wide each.  Mr. Lina wasn't sure how they were going to hang so flexibility was key.  I still wasn't healthy when we bought the fabric so some math was not quite right.

9' = 2.7m so we did buy 3m per panel leaving 30cm for a hem etc, 4 panels = 12m
45" x 4 panels = 180" = 15'

Anyone see the math problem there?  4 panels need to be sewn together.  Sewn together means there will be seam allowances.  And the blue fabric wasn't 45", it was 44".  By the time I sewed those 4 panels together and remeasured I was short by 8".

I am the win.

And when I measured out the black fabric (I thought starting with the smaller backdrops was wise) I added maybe 3 inches (7cm) for hem forgetting I'd need to also turn fabric at the top and that I wanted the bottom hem big enough to add weight or possibly slide through a dowel and that I did buy enough fabric for a 15cm hem.  So I really had to keep as much as I could at the top.

I thought it was rather unlikely they would have a true curtain rod to slide these curtains onto so I had to think about the top.  Ties seemed time consuming, velcro an option but not one I was really keen on.  Sewing velcro is not fun and at 9', that's a lot of weight for velcro to hold.  I decided some looped tabs at the top would be good.  If they could slide something through it, great.  If not, the tab would be easier to clamp or we could tie it to something or later on I could add velcro and make it fold down.  In the end, they had a bunch of these riser things that could make an upside down L, the tabs went through the short part of the L at the top and they clamped it to the long side of the L to hold it taught. 

To get these tabs to aim up, bias tape seemed the best option for attaching it to the backdrop (added benefit of keeping a lot of the fabric for the black backdrops that I cut short).  I had a package of black bias tape but it wasn't going to be enough for both backdrops.  I didn't have anything light coloured for the blue.  So what seemed like oh, a handful of 9'/15' straight seams turned into making well over 20' of bias tape.  That's a whole lot of ironing.  I did not count the bias tape nor tabs into my fabric purchase either.  There was enough for the black fabric because I only needed it for two panels and cut the hems short, but the blue backdrop, well...

My poor math skills also required a pieced side panel for the blue backdrops.  Being a few inches shy of 15' was okay, 8" was too much.  With the little fabric I had left (keep in mind I did leave a good hem allowance on these having "learned" from the black panels) I had 18" of fabric left that cut in 3 could be a 6" panel but after seam allowances only added 5" (so it's still only 14' and 9").  It was close enough.  I didn't like the look of the pieced panel.  Being pale blue and cheap broadcloth, seams showed.  Wrinkles showed.  Everything showed.  Fortunately, as much as the room was 15' wide, they needed less than 14' to show and the sides were wrapped around the pole so the pieced part was not on screen and it all worked out well.  Once they added the television show logo to the fabric (paper letters attached with scotch tape), it looked like a (very) low budget children's television show. 

Groopa maintenance between takes.  I swear I ironed every seam.

I thought I'd be able to do all of this last Saturday, maybe we would even go to a late matinee.  By 5pm Saturday, one of the black backdrops was done but I still had to make the bias tape etc for the other and the blue fabric had not been touched.  Clearly, I underestimated the time involved.  Sunday afternoon I was finally done.  It was 4pm and I was still in my housecoat not even showered for the day.  It's a damn good thing someone had to cancel the 3pm lighting tests because I was not done in time for that.

All is well that ends well.  I have a 14" by 16" piece of blue fabric and about 6" of black fabric left, essentially nothing.  When I saw them raising the curtains to 9' and put the lettering up, I felt really proud that it was my contribution to the film.

On filming day I did craft services duty (aka food) and I got to be an extra.  As an extra, I was the puppeteer for Jingles, the girly puppet with bells all over.  All I had to do was walk off stage and guide my brother Scot wearing the Groopa suit and look unhappy.  I don't think much of me shows on camera (I was an extra after all), but I was wearing a Renfrew for it.  It was a strategic choice on my part to wear something self made.

Friday, January 18

It has to be good, it's Friday.

Well the cold/flu/whatever seems to show signs of improvement without actually feeling healthy.  I am not dying, things could be worse.

Yesterday I felt fairly good in the morning.  My performance review meeting was scheduled for 10am and I really wanted to do that in person.  There are messages in body language you just don't get over the phone and it is particularly important when talking about a (potentially) sensitive subject.  So I propped myself up, put on a self made outfit (Renfrew and grey cord skirt) and figured I could always go home after the meeting if I got too tired.

The day was so busy, I didn't even get a chance to pee until 1pm.  I guess because I had people in front of me and due dates and questions and, and, and... I just focused on doing what needed doing.  I was tired when I got home but again, things needed doing.  Mr. Lina needs these "curtains" for the movie on Sunday so they can test lighting against it prior to filming next week.  We still needed the fabric and I need time to sew 24m of fabric into 3 "curtains".  With time running out, we went to do that running around last night.  As it snowed. 

I managed.  We got the fabric, we stopped at the brew your own place Mr. Lina likes, we even stopped briefly at my parents to see my niece.  And we were home in time to go to bed a little early.

This is from Christmas, my niece (as usual) staring at the baby whisperer, Mr. Lina.

Myrna was saying that it was a sit on the couch and read day for her yesterday.  After spending all that energy yesterday, I have none today.  I keep picking at work and thinking is hard.  There is cotton in my brain slowing down the message from one side to the other.  I can't wait to go home, get my blanket, snuggle with Mr. Lina and crochet while watching some television.  If he wants to play video games instead of movies, well, then I'll be reading too.

Tomorrow I will sew these "curtains".  I keep putting it in quotations because this is not going to be true curtains, more like vertical drop cloths.  I really don't know what they are going to be attaching it to, I doubt there will be open ended rods for a casing to hold it up.  The plan at the moment is ties across the top, possibly velcro in the future.  Push comes to shove, he will clamp it to something.  It's a bit frustrating to not know what they are working with but given that they may use this in other shoots in different ways, it's good to have flexibility.  Blue fabric will end up being about 4.8m/15' across and 9' long.  The black fabric will be in two panels, same length but half the width.  Oh boy, 9' of a straight seam.  Can you hear the excitement?

On the plus side, it will...
  • Make me clean my sewing room because this project is going to need space
  • Get me doing something (anything!) in my sewing room
  • Hopefully leave it in a cleaner state so I want to be there
  • Add another level of connection to the movie, I like being helpful
  • And I'll feel awesome seeing my work on screen
But here are two highlights for my Friday.  I have been nominated for a Liebster award on Aft Agley.  Thank you so much, Nothy.  I'll organize my thoughts on the weekend and post about that soon.  And another Liebster recipient is playing fast and loose with the rules and offering a giveaway on her blog.  Blue and white cotton with a little stretch anyone?  Visit Falling Through Your Clothes!

Tuesday, January 15

I Feel Pretty...

I try not to be a wimp when it comes to being sick, but I would really like this cold to end or at least figure out what kind of illness it is.  Although it's mostly in my sinuses, my tummy is feeling a bit queasy.  Weird.  I'm not so sick to use a personal day, I opted to work from home today so I share this with fewer people.  It does have me mildly grumpy.

Misty's Laws hit a bit of a button today as I sit in my elastic waistband yoga pants feeling decidedly unsexy.  It's a tough time of year for self esteem etc and the idea of listing 100 things I like about myself might be a good venture.  However, looking at her list, I realized how long 100 things is.  40 looks like a pretty long list.  Let's see how I do.
  1. I like my nose.  I like the size and proportion.
  2. I like my hair, perhaps not the white ones as much as the non-white, but even the white ones make me, me.
  3. I like my breasts.  There have been times where it hasn't all been love but I've always appreciated how they looked with a bra propping them up.
  4. I like my toes and feet, they are well shaped.  They are rather large for my height but I never understood why anyone cared about the size of their feet.  I have never gone shoe shopping and left feeling fat.  They are a size 9 and that's that. 
  5. I like being a girl.  I'm sure if I was a boy I'd feel like that, but really, I love being feminine.  I love the curves of my figure that define my gender.
  6. I like my eye colour.  Mostly green, I really like them.
  7. I like being short.  There is a reason I usually play small characters in D&D, I identify with them in a positive way.
  8. I am a good hostess.
  9. I am good at sharing knowledge, making people feel comfortable with stupid questions.  Probably in part because I'm not good at asking questions and I hate feeling stupid so it's a strange sense of empathy.
  10. I am patient.
  11. I am a good cook, particularly with appetizers.
  12. I love the way I feel wearing self made clothing.  It's really powerful.
  13. I like my legs.  They are kind of muscular but I like the curve of my calves and ankles.
  14. I am a caring friend.  I don't always know how to help but I want to.
  15. I am a good listener.
  16. I am a really good swimmer.
  17. I appreciate that I had the good sense to be patient with my husband and recognize him for being a good partner for me.
  18. I think I am a good judge of people.  I give them time to prove me wrong if something is setting off my spidey senses, but I'm not often wrong.
  19. I am calm in emergency situations.  Well, of the physical sort, like cuts and bleeding, etc.  I guess the worst I've seen is a torn Achilles tendon. 
  20. I like the sound of my laugh.  Family members have commented that it's similar to my Nana's.  That makes me smile.
Okay, it took me all day to get to 20.  This could take a while for the self love-in.  Still, a good list to look back on when self esteem is in the gutter.  What would be on your list?

Friday, January 11

My Turn

I don't know about you, but it seemed like everyone over the holidays was sick.  A third of my facebook page seemed to be "I'm sick" or "the kid is puking" or "the husband is down for the count" or "off to the hospital".  I guess because Mr. Lina and I really didn't see people, we didn't get sick.  Until last Friday he had a scratchy throat and started developing cold symptoms over the weekend.  I made the mistake of thinking I made it through a week of his cold and I was fine. 

Nope.  I have a scratchy throat and it's 10am (yes, this took all day to write) and I'm tired.  Like my arms feel tired.  Past that, I feel okay, but I know where this is going.  I suspect I'll be hiding out upstairs during Shitty Movie Night tonight to avoid sharing this with others.

Yesterday was a pretty good day.  It's kind of nice being at my employers office more often, helping people in person rather than getting multiple people on our internal communicator at the same time.  I had time to actually deal with geographic data that came in that I'm suppose to care for.  It was nice.

My SIL and niece came over.  She is so cute.  Really and truly.  She's got this full cheeky face and bow lips, dark hair that stands up in a faux hawk at the back and I still think she looks like my baby pictures.  Her eyes are dark but big, particularly when she's sizing someone up.  I think she's getting a little tired of strange houses and people.  She seemed a bit anxious at times and was happier being held by my SIL.  If she wasn't crying, she was staring at Mr. Lina.  She is really fascinated with him.  We also found she liked watching Mr. Lina play guitar.  Thursdays are standing guitar night for him and a friend and she thought this was great.  Until she got hungry.  But I'm not very happy when I'm hungry either.

At one point my SIL was out of the room with my niece trying to console her.  I guess Mr. Lina could see things on my face I didn't realize I was feeling.  He gave me a good hug and I felt tears welling up in my eyes.  Even though she was crying and throwing a full out hissy fit of tears and shaking fists, I want that.  I don't just want the perfect happy baby, I want the whole package.  Those times when parents have a screaming kid and look at me and say "are you sure you want this?  Yes.  And if things had not gone poorly two years ago, I would have had that already. 

But, there is no point in dwelling on ifs.  Holding and playing with my niece was good, I think it did make the day a little easier.  I may not like being around pregnant women, but babies are full of good feelings.

Wednesday, January 9

Forward Motion

I think the last post was pretty much what I needed to write.  I noticed after that I have had more umph and looked for what I did do rather than what I didn't do.  I haven't sewn and I have still wasted time, but it was a choice to do the alternative activities not a passive "should have". 

On Boxing Day I started another baby blanket like the one I made for my niece.  I figured I should start another while I still remember.  I'm oh, about 20 rows into the centre part.  I think I'm suppose to do 72 rows in total (so 36 shells facing on each side of the centre block).  It actually feels pretty good to look at those 20 rows and know some of my tv time with Mr. Lina has been productive, creative and soothing.  I know I dragged my fingers (so to speak) with the edging, but I am really comfortable with the centre shell stitches and it is soothing work.  I'm not so thrilled with the yarn I bought, Mom says it's the control label brand for Michaels, I had no idea.  It felt okay at the store but the more I work with it the more I realize it's not as nice as what my MIL bought in the summer (Bernat I think).  I'll have to put something super soft on the edges to make it a little more cuddly.  Next time I'll be more selective in my purchasing.  Any tips on what to make baby blankets with?  I want something that launders well.  It's a baby blanket, someone is going to puke on it.  Probably multiple times.  I don't believe in making delicate gifts for a baby.

We went for a few walks last week, it was nice to get out in the evening and work in my oh so fashionable Sorell -70C winter boots prior to taking them snow shoeing (although with temperatures reaching 9C on Friday that may be a while).  However, Mr. Lina came down with a cold on Saturday and didn't want to walk.  I can't say I blame him, it's just a stuffed up kind of cold but it's still not fun.  I'm not keen on walking in the dark (the sun sets before I leave work) on my own so I'll wait until he is healthy before pestering again.  Bowling started up last night after a Christmas break and it was good to see people although I bowled quite horribly.  Both activities got me out of the house a little which is also good.

So maybe not sewing action, but there has been action going on. 

This will be a busy few days to keep me on my toes.  Financial planner is coming by tonight, my SIL and niece are visiting tomorrow night, Friday Mr. Lins is hosting "Shitty Movie Night" (any guesses on how many women will be attending?).  Saturday we have plans with friends in the evening (at their house), but we're going to do some errands and visit Fabricland in the day.  Yes, that does say WE and Fabricland.  The last day of filming for Tasha & Friends is coming up and they need the space to look like a television studio, including black backdrops to hide the parts of the big room that do not look like studio space.  So we're off to buy broadcloth and apparently I'm sewing it together.  I could do that shopping on my own, but it is for his movie, I'd rather have him see it to be sure that's what he wants. 

I try very hard not to remember sad dates, I'd rather remember someones birthday than the day they died.  I am sure it's why I find some months sad because somewhere in my brain I know there is a reason to be sad, but really, I can't be sad for 6 specific pregancies and survive.  I like to think of my past pregnancies as that, pregnancies that didn't work out, it somehow feels more positive.  Over the holidays, I found memories creeping into my head.  Passing the pregnancy test on Dec 27th and not going to work because I was too excited and confused to get my butt to work on time.  Trying to figure out when that pregnancy started and how far along I was.  Having a secrect for New Years Eve and fake sipping champagne.  I honestly didn't remember the date where the happy parts ended, I remember everything about it but the date was fuzzy.  Mr. Lina, he doesn't remember every date, but the big ones stick with him.  He reminded me that two years ago tomorrow was a very sad day.  I felt my heart break that day and I made noises I didn't know I was capable of making.  Tomorrow was one of the big ones. 

And what did I do?  I invited my SIL and niece over for dinner without realizing what day it was.  I hope that was a good decision.

I think that's part of what was (is) going on for me, this lead up to the unhappy stuff.  Pushing it aside and trying to forget and hiding from it all but knowing it's there.  And that's okay, I just feel better taking a little ownership over the why.  Mr. Lina, well, he keeps sending me updates on the sheep he passes on the way to work and pictures of babies and we have a kitten cam to keep us happy when things are not.  I'll never own cats because of my allergies, but I like them from a distance. 

Thursday, January 3

She hit the nail on the head

I have a few ideas rolling around in my head.  I seem to be avoiding them, letting them be elusive because I don't want the effort of what they will lead to.  I have found it challenging to post lately because the words aren't coming out right.  I am not sure I'll get this quite right, but I think I'm getting close.

I had yesterday off work.  My last vacation day for 2012.  In December, I vaguely looked forward to it but didn't really think about it.  I didn't tell people about it because I didn't want them making plans for me.  Even Mr. Lina forgot and asked why I was still in my house coat as he was going out the door.  I got up with him because I thought it would make for a more productive day.

No so.  A few weeks ago, dinner conversation turned to gaming (as it often does with our friends) and I mentioned that my Plants vs Zombies device our PlayBook had SimCity Deluxe on it, a scaled down version of SimCity 2000 I had on my computer in the very late 90's.  I had some pretty serious problems with this game.  I had a hard time stepping away from it, I'd leave the city running on slow while I went to watch tv with my room mate so it would look like I was being social.  That pulled feeling is raging and I think I spent 10 hours watching my cities develop yesterday. 

I don't mind spending time playing games.  It was my day to do whatever and I knew my whatever was not going to include the rest of the world.  I wanted to be alone.  What concerns me is the choices I am passively making.  I start the day thinking I could finish the Burda dress.  I could sort through my closet and pitch excess stuff.  I could do the same thing to my sewing room.  If the Burda dress didn't feel right, I could start a new project, I could use some new panties or a me-made bra or a palate cleansing Renfrew.  If I had said I wanted to spend the day playing video games, that's fine.  But I didn't.  I turned it on to play while eating breakfast and the next thing I knew I was hungry because it was lunch.  I tried to step away, went for a walk around 3pm and went right back to it.

I am hiding in it.  I can hide like this in books.  I can hide in puzzles and games.  I have hid in baking yeast breads.  Quite frankly, I can hide in relationships and sex.  All of those things are healthy in the right amount, but when they are used to avoid excessively?  Not so healthy.  That is what has made these thoughts so hard to pin down.  This isn't a great time of year for me, but I don't feel sad, I don't feel numb.  Sure, my miscarriage has crossed my mind a few times, but not dominating my thoughts by any stretch of the imagination.  Actually I've thought more about how happy I was for those few weeks right now.  But I know I'm dragging my heels about something and it's not that Burda dress.

I was catching up on my blog reading and Myrna Giesbrecht struck a real chord with me.  Read the whole post here (and be in awe of a little girls coat) but this is what hit me over the head:
What I haven't done is write out a how-to list because we all know the how-to steps. They are the same time after time. To lose weight, eat less, exercise more, or both. To improve finances, spend less, earn more, or both. To create an X, Y or Z, sew an X or a Y or a Z. To use up the stash, use up stash. To stop increasing stash, stop buying. To write, sit at the keyboard and write. To pray, pray. To study, study. To make a home, be home making. And so it goes. It's not a lack of information; it's a lack of action.

It's not the lack of information, it's the lack of action.

Damn.  Can it get truer than that?

So when I am not being active, the question is why not?  Why not take that first step to doing something?  What's scary about my sewing room?  What's scary about making the choice to eat less (hoo boy the holidays were not made of wise food and alcohol choices, with 3lbs coming off in a day I know some of it is water but not all of what is left to go)?  What's so scary about any of these things that I need to hide?

I don't know the answer quite yet, but it's in my head somewhere.  It's okay to have a day off and veg, but I've had my share of easy days over the holidays and it's time to get moving again.

In sewing news, I did sew on New Years Eve during the day.  Remember the stuffy that I gave as a gift last January?  They lost it on Christmas day somewhere between putting her in the car and home.  Bed time has not been pleasant in that house since.  So I made Fluffy the Second and forgot to document it again.  Am I a crappy blogger or what?