Lately, it's like my body has been playing mind games with me and I'm getting annoyed. Generally speaking, I don't ovulate. If you don't ovulate, all cycles are annovulatory and without an egg releasing, they kinda happen when they happen. Sometimes it's 40 days, sometimes it's 60 days. When things aren't going well and my weight is high, maybe 100 days. There are good aspects to this, Proctor & Gamble makes far less money off of me. I only have to deal with cramps and assorted issues 3-5 times a year. My lining doesn't build up too heavily so while I get cramps, they weren't all that horrible and Mr. Lina has commented that I don't get PMS that he notices.
I was put on Metformin, a diabetic drug that has a side effect of lowering testosterone levels. My doctor said it kind of removes the static so messages my brain sends to my ovaries get through. Whatever, cycles got shorter, around 36-40 days and I did manage to get pregnant so it is doing what it should sometimes.
Getting back to the more recent body betrayal. Around day 31 I had some spotting. I was pretty pleased, a normal length cycle. But then it was just 3 days of spotting mid September, no real day 1 flow so I couldn't be sure I was on a new cycle or not. I mentioned this when I saw my specialist on Oct 1, he asked if I'd taken a pregnancy test. I said no, my bra still fit, my breasts are really good indicators when my hcg levels are up. But when we got home, I did and failed. Then a week later, my breasts started looking... weird. I took 4 or 5 pregnancy tests over Thanksgiving weekend failing each and every one. Mr. Lina and I agreed something was going on with my hormones because these were not normal looking nipples, but I wasn't calling the clinic without a positive test. Then they went back to being normal.
And now today my period is here, the worst cramps since my miscarriage. Looking at a calendar, it's like I had two 31 day cycles, which is something to be happy about. Thanksgiving would have been around days 18-22, a bit late for ovulating given that my period is here now, but about right for maybe implantation and a couple of days of generating hcg... Maybe my breasts were right and my hcg levels never got to 25, the clinic considers me pregnant with levels of 5 but the home tests aren't that sensitive and it would have been too soon for HPT. If I didn't have 3 chemical pregnancies under my belt, I wouldn't think like this, but it's possible. I'm pretty sure that's going to be the conclusion Mr. Lina draws, he has faith in my nipples as predictors of pregnancies. They have been right with every other test I've taken.
Since I started writing, I've since walked to a drug store to find liquid Advil. Oh how I love liquid Advil. I have also had lunch. I am feeling far better.
Conversations are happening in my house about adoption too. It's too tender to really chat about it here yet, but Mr. Lina is now wanting to collect information. I think I started that after the first chemical pregnancy years ago, but not to the point of phoning agencies/Children's Aid. We talked briefly again while walking around Niagara Falls. It's hard to see him struggle with this. It's not so much about adoption, but in saying yes to adoption, it's also getting ready to grieve things we wouldn't experience with a new born and pregnancy.
So I email Mr. Lina that it's Day 1 and cramps suck and he emails me back a link to the video below. The next email is about the foot ball sized lambies, swans, llama and foal he saw on his drive to work. Someone has babies on the brain.
When I first found your blog (well, I think you found me first), I read back back back and wanted to comment then about your fertility issues. Now that I know you a little bit, I feel braver about speaking up. I am very sorry about everything you are going through. I'm sure it is a heartbreak, even if you have moved to a place of acceptance. Some days. If you are like me, some days it's a heartbreak, and some days I am in acceptance. And some days I drink whiskey. My issue is a child with serious disabilities. My out-of-town friend is fond of saying, "I am sending you mental love and Krazy glue" to hold me all together when I have hard days. So please accept my mental love and Krazy glue from afar.
ReplyDeleteMental love and crazy glue (love that!) from this corner, too. I had a bit of that "was that a cycle?" stuff go on before my second pregnancy, as I'm really good at the whole "lactational amennorrhoea" thing... So annoying. And that's nowhere near the stuff I know you're going through (I kinda hesitate to even post because I don't wish to make you feel bad in any way, talking about how easily I've gotten pregnant in the past :( )
ReplyDeleteI am a wee bit envious of your husband's baby-yearning. My hubs thought he could never have kids (childhood medical issues) and his response was more of the "WTF are you doing to me?" variety... He came around, but it would have been so nice to have the "Hun, I'm pregnant" talk be a joyful one even once...
Good luck in all your avenues. You deserve it.
Good luck, and I hope your body gets straightened out soon! My body is similarly being annoying. I found out recently that I should avoid alcohol and chocolate so I don't aggravate my ongoing (minor) medical issues.
ReplyDeleteI live on chocolate milk or Kahlua and milk. At least, I used to. So this is really ticking me off and causing me to eat/drink EVERYTHING in the house in an attempt to feel better.
I know it's not the same thing at all, but bodies are assholes. That sounds weird....you know what I mean. I hope everything works out for you, whether you make the decision to adopt or go another route.
Ah, you ladies make me laugh. Of course, it's easier to laugh high on advil. Have I mentioned how much I love liquid advil?
ReplyDeleteLiving in Red: I don't mind talking about infertility, half the time I focus on the medical aspects because it's like talking about someone else. The emotional side is harder because, well, as you say, sometimes there is acceptance and sometimes the Krazy glue is in order. I'm more likely to turn to chocolate than whiskey, but Mr. Lina has a fondness for it.
Tanit-Isis - I don't read blogs of pregnant women and babies, older kids don't hit me the same way. The way you write about your girls I love hearing about them. And maybe because I like hearing about your girls, I get that your path to parenthood had it's own set of challenges. I know how much processing Mr. Lina had to go through to come from vasectomy to baby elephant videos, he would have been much the same if I was pregnant right off the bat.
And to LSCG... Alcohol AND chocolate?!? That's just not right, you need one of the two. Or at least, I think I do. I hear you on eating everything to feel better. My choice of grilled cheese and fries was not really perhaps the best choice I could have made. Neither was the doughnut after dinner. Or the Halloween treat... Sigh. I was saying to my husband that I know these are poor choices, but until I want to put me first, it's going to be hard to stop eating all this crap.
You ladies rock, each and every one of you.