I'm kind of new to blog posts. Do you ever write something out and realize, woah, that's waaaay too much? I did that today. I'm hoping that after getting out all the specifics that this version strikes a better balance on the issues rather than details. Granted I write this essentially for myself so even writing out the overly detailed post is theraputic.
I have come to realize I have a happiness issue. I am happy in moments. Every day there is something that makes me smile. A lot of things are going well in our house, my promotion in August, recently paying off debts (which weren't big relative to IVF in the US, but it's a relief), financially we're in a good spot, we're both generally healthy and I have a really solid marriage. But I also know that something is missing. I'm not happy in the quiet moments, it's a fake smile for others sometimes, I'm not... fulfilled.
This manifests into not taking care of myself. I actually hear the words "I don't care" in my head a lot. I didn't buy more prenatal vitamins last week (and even before I ran out I wasn't taking as many as I should), I forget to take Metformin (I should take 3x/day, I might take 2). I'm eating crap and my weight is high (not crazy high, but enough) and I say to myself I don't care. I do a little bit of this at work too, I don't care about other peoples projects, I don't care that they want it today.
But I do. Somewhere inside I do care. When I am happy, it's easy to remember far more medication and vitamins than I am taking now. When I'm happy and I want to, REALLY want to, I will eat my healthy snacks, watch my portions and lose weight. We aren't talking about Canada's Biggest Loser here, but I like how I feel and look 6lbs lighter.
And yet I see my hand reaching for a Halloween treat and the words going through my head? I don't care.
Why don't I care about me? I know I should. I know I'm the only person being hurt by some of these choices. The root of this likely lies somewhere in the lack of control I feel elsewhere in my life. I can't fix our fertility issues, I can't go forward with adoption quite yet, I am bored at work but because that would upset a lot of dominos in my life the timing doesn't feel right to change that.
This is more than a bubble bath and glass of wine is going to fix. I'm good with the momentary happy. I just can't seem to string them together into caring about me. My head seems to recognize that I can't change a lot of what's going on in my life, I have to change my perspective towards it. Getting there isn't going to happen by accident.
Anyone else felt like this?