Tuesday, May 21

Nearing the end of the crazies

Victoria Day weekend was lovely, warm afternoons, relatively warm nights...  Perfect for camping.  It really feels like summer is here and winter isn't going to sneak back and screw things up.  Until May long, you can't be sure that we won't have a killing frost here, so it's safe to put tender annuals in the ground now.

Being away has helped me deal with Provera.  When I posted on Friday, I thought I was doing pretty well - no tears or hot flashes, just this brain fog.  I guess because I have to work harder through the fog, when I got home on Friday, it was like I melted.  I didn't leave work as early as I hoped, things came up for my client and I couldn't abandon them.  I felt rushed, stupid and tired.  When I got home, Mr. Lina was grumpy and said something that set me off.  I was about to go bat shit crazy on him, it would have made our worst fight look like a happy family moment.  But I knew that I was going to say things I would regret, once I started there would be no filter and I couldn't sort out what was real emotions and what was Provera induced fury.  So I bit my tongue and let him leave for camping (we needed to take both cars anyhow).  He knew I was mad, but I told him that he really didn't want to hear it.  I don't think he made it to the end of the street before I fell apart.  I cried so hard and so loud that it's probably a good thing that no one lives in the other side of the semi at the moment.

And I felt better.

Oh sure, I still wasn't thrilled with him, but the blind rage of every unspent emotion was not sitting at the surface like a powder keg with a short fuse. 

And when I got to the camp ground (ah, more 2 hours after him), he was happy.  And he knew that he needed to pull out the kid gloves and make things right with me.  I found over the weekend that  I did not have the patience that I usually do, or the ability to see humour in things that are annoying, but nothing I couldn't walk away from.

I took my last dose on Sunday night, now I'm just waiting for my period to arrive.  As "okay" as I feel, I know I'm going to feel much better the moment it arrives.  The sooner the better because then all the good stuff happens.  I'm picking up all of the drugs tonight on my way home from work.

I need to get back to Alma.  Every morning is a reminder that my summer closet is not very work appropriate.  Version two of the front has been cut out...

4 comments:

  1. Gosh!!! What an amazing control of self.... I wouldn't have been able to do that..

    My summer closet isn't very work appropriate too!!! After the purge, I'm seriously lacking in the tops department.. And summer dresses..

    I'm currently working on the worlds smallest sewing room.. It's coming along nicely and I can't wait to start sewing..

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I do not like confrontations and disagreements. It's more in my nature to avoid them so walking away isn't as difficult as you would think.

      My black polka dot Lekala dress is saving me today.

      You'll have to let us see your tiny sewing room. If it's well laid out it's enough. I once saw pictures of a sewing space that was under the basement stairs - like Harry Potter!

      Delete
  2. Lol! It makes sense now... The more I read what you wrote, the more I think about myself... And I guess maybe it's in my nature to go look for issues to confront and get on with full force ahead. We had a role play workshop once, on negotiating with difficult coworker... We had a professional thespian/actor to do the difficult worker part, impromptu. Boy! I was the only person who turned it into full fledged confrontation. I guess I missed the memo where it said negotiation = the process to form mutually benefiting good working relationships..

    Sure, I'll post pictures of my sewing room soon. Mine actually started as a "Harry Potter" sewing area on paper when we started planning basement reno.. but somehow ended up upstairs.. I just didn't want to share my sewing space.. now that it's getting closer to being finished, I love all that natural light!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's funny how we all relate to confrontation differently.

      My mom sews in the basement, pretty much taking over the whole basement. So I was open to sewing in the basement, but I sew in an extra bedroom and you are right, the light is nice.

      Delete

Thanks for your comments, I love to have a two way conversation. I seem to be getting a lot of spam from anonymous users and am turning off the ability to comment that way. I really would like to hear from you so if you do want to add your two cents without an OpenId, email me at seraphinalina at gmail dot com.