Thursday, May 9

Humira #2 - Check

The deck is about as sanded as it's going to get.  Mr. Lina has had enough of this step, next up will be staining.  We have to let the weather/schedules coordinate for that.  They are calling for a bit of rain over the next few days, we'll need a day of it being dry before we can move forward with staining.  Here he is hard at work on Monday night.

I took my second Humira dose today.  It's weird how the medication hurts.  The needle is very fine, but the medication kind of stings.  On the plus side, it doesn't hurt for long and it's all fine now.

At 6:40 this morning the phone rang.  My alarm doesn't go off until 6:50 so this was literally a wake up call.  It was the receptionist at the clinic booking my appointment on Monday.  She asked when I wanted it and I said about 8:00, my usual time, if it was available.  She said "For you, honey, I would do anything and I mean that".  Seriously, people take my lack of success pretty personally there.  So full bladder at 8am on Monday.

I was not very productive at work yesterday.  I just couldn't get my head nor heart into it.  At least today I am going out to a client site to do a little lunch & learn (sans lunch, so just a learn?) session that will make me focus.  I was reading through my own blog, reviewing the FET last year.  Seeing what I wrote about, reminders to myself, what I might have glossed over (not much).  I realized I have been saying I've been pregnant 6 times since last year and it's actually 7.  Who the fuck forgets these kinds of numbers?  I am all for willful ignorance, but I didn't think I let myself go that far.  Let me recount (apparently for my sake, not yours).
  1. IVF #1 - negative on first pregnancy test, the only cycle this happened.
  2. FET #1 - embryos from first IVF, chemical pregnancy.  Devastating because I had no coping skills but it lead us to a great therapist.
  3. IVF #2 - miscarriage - passed both pregnancy tests, nothing was there for my 6 week ultrasound.  Horrible, horrible day.
  4. FET #2 - chemical pregnancy
  5. FET #3 - chemical pregnancy, pretty sure the failed test was Thanksgiving.  A handful of people were in the know, the glass of wine in my hand was the signal not to ask.
  6. IVF #3 - Passed first test, declining on 2nd test, failed 3rd test. 
  7. Natural pregnancy - Figured out I was pregnant December 27th, test on the 28th with HCG well over 600, ultrasound dated me at 7 weeks 5 days, miscarriage at 8 weeks 1 day, Jan 10.  Fucking nightmare.
  8. FET #4 - last cycle I blogged about, great pregnancy tests, bleeding day after second test (Sunday) and through that week my HCG levels slowly declined, gave up on Friday.
It really is 7.  Amazing how our mind hides crap from us, isn't it?


  1. Sera, I just about wrote 'Why are you doing this to yourself!' but on second thoughts, this is what I do to myself too... The same mind that hides stuff, also want to mull over what happened, what could have happened, what didn't happen.... and get sucked into that vortex.

    I learnt what a chemical pregnancy was, last year! devastating! I don't think I can go through that again. I'm all for adoption (been that way since grade 8) but DH wants to give it a try for another year...


    1. Oh I'm not beating myself up about it, it's more of an amazement that I wasn't remembering. It's part of my medical history now, I should keep track of it. And looking back at my posts from last year was kind of nice, it was a good reminder of how exciting it is as transfer day approaches.

      What kind of adoption are you considering? Private? International? CAS? Or are you that far along in your thought process? There are some great adoption blogs out there if you want to see the other side of the coin. Stellar Parenting is on my blog roll, she has a great list of adoption blogs.

    2. Good to know, that it wasn't what I do.

      Adoption - I'd love to adopt through CAS... Even if I eventually have another child by giving birth, I do hope I get to adopt a child.

      I'll check out Stellar parenting.. Thanks for the reco.

    3. That's very cool. There are lots of kids waiting for a family.

  2. I can understand wanting to document everything. I often approach difficult things as an administrator. Making lists. Planning things that can't really be planned. Helps me get through things.
    I have to say I have never wanted anything the way you want this. I want this for you too.

    1. Hmm, I thought I replied to this...
      My husband's job is essentially making back up plans for back up plans (I didn't take his description of me as his redundant memory as a positive one, but in his world it is). It can be a real comfort to have everything laid out and know what's next.

  3. Oh my - so hard! It's funny what people do to remember difficult things, how to count the ones that got away. Pregnancies, boyfriends... how many? And you stand there and you go: "Well there was the one in the grey striped dress on a hot day, and the one where I failed my driving test, and..." I really hope it works out well for you soon.

    1. You make me laugh, that is exactly how I remember things - inconsequential things like the dress I was wearing, the weather, long weekends or events that were impacted - to date when whatever it is that I'm trying to remember (good or bad) happened. I know the last time I saw my grandfather was my convocation (and a very good memory), no idea what the date was. I couldn't tell you exact dates for any of those cycles without looking up what I wrote at the time, but I'll remember medication I took on my birthday or May long weekend or Mother's Day. Forgetting sad dates is largely intentional, I don't want to have more sad anniversaries. But I would like to have a somewhat accurate recollection of my medical history.


Thanks for your comments, I love to have a two way conversation. I seem to be getting a lot of spam from anonymous users and am turning off the ability to comment that way. I really would like to hear from you so if you do want to add your two cents without an OpenId, email me at seraphinalina at gmail dot com.