Big Thoughts

I am slowly recovering, each day is better than the previous but there is still a lot of crap coming out of my sinuses.  Coughs often linger for me so I don't have high expectations for that.  At least I slept pretty well last night.

Today was my Day 3 appointment at the clinic.  Nothing special at all, Day 3 is essentially getting baselines.  I was expecting it to be a bit chaotic there as the other monitoring offices would be closed sending everyone to the head office which is my usual clinic.  I was in and out in record time, I got to read one page of a book.  Wonderfully strange.  They took a ton of blood.  I haven't been to the clinic in ages so they have to do the 6 month STD update for both Mr. Lina and I.  It's not good when the printed stickers list is as long as my forearm.  Thank heavens I don't freak out about needles or I'd never have made it this far.

I was reading blogs yesterday and there are some really big emotions going on out there.  It's so wonderful to read people sharing.  I love every single fabric post, the finished garments, the tips, the tricks, but don't you all feel a connection going on here?  We are a community that extends beyond just the hobby we share (or don't share as the case may be).  The more honest we can be with each other, the stronger those bonds become and the more someone else can say, hey, I'm not the only one who feels like that.

I tried writing a post about 6 times yesterday, the words were there but jumbled and mixed up.  I started writing my blog in part because I wanted to comment on other blogs, but I also had things to say if only to myself.  Looking back, I remember being happy around Summerfolk, even that feels like there was some shadows around the edge.  I am absolutely happy in moments and some wonderful things have gone on, but it's been hard too. The timing is about the same time as when I started my blog.  I wasn't aware of it at the time, but maybe part of me knew I was going to need this outlet.  I like to think it has been good for me.

Lately I have been feeling okay.  I have had some very good days at work.  I was a bit leaky yesterday but reading about big feelings will do that.  Being sick has put a big hold on bothering to feel anything other than ill.  Starting things with the clinic keeps the holding pattern crazies away, I really do better when things are happening.  But...

I have also been putting off doing scary things.  One big scary thing.  There is an opening I'd like to apply for, location is closer to home than my clients and would allow us to move to a smaller community so we would both have better commutes.  I have updated my resume, but not done the cover letter.  Being sick is poor timing indeed, this is the kind of thing to write with a clear head not clouded with neocitron.  The last cover letter I wrote was over 6 years ago, I'm a bit rusty.

But I wonder if I'm using being sick as an excuse.  It's scary.  This is a very big domino to push over.  This would be with people who already know me so there are some potential implications even just applying.  Both good and unknown and well, potentially not so good.  I've got a really good flexible work hour things going on here, my new manager really likes me and respects my abilities.  And tossing my name into the ring does not mean getting a job, there are lots of gaps in my skill set for the role in mind.  It's a good fit for me, not necessarily the best for them.  So, part of me is a bit annoyed that Mr. Lina mentioned it to his parents.  I like keeping stuff like this to myself in case nothing comes of it (although you don't count, you can keep a secret, right?). 

Big scary feelings to feel, actions to do, changes to make.  There are an awful lot of big thoughts out there, those are a few of mine.