And I'm still not sure how I feel about that.
My SIL had the baby girl at 4:30 this morning. Everyone is happy and healthy, the baby is 9lbs and I haven't figured out a nick name for her yet so she'll just be my niece for now. Clone did come back home to be here for the birth but he has to head back to the NWT on Sunday. I gather my SIL and niece will be here until the end of August and her dad is going to go back with them when the time comes.
My mom phoned just before I left for work with the news. I just felt numb but happy to hear it all went well and my brother was here for the birth. I had been told that she was in very early labour yesterday, she went in to be induced but she was already 3cm dilated. So I wasn't surprised by the call.
My drive to work was good but I don't remember any of it, I forgot my pass at home, the meter in the parking lot didn't like my corporate card so now I'll have to expense it myself. It was later than usual by the time I got to my desk.
And then I opened my email to see pictures of the three of them and started crying. Not a lot of crying, but I couldn't hold them in.
I don't want to be an aunt.
I want to be a mom.
Mr. Lina and I both have colds (mine is in my chest, lots of coughing but I don't feel as bad as I did earlier in the week) so we'll have to hold back on visiting in person. It's too bad because I'll probably feel better about the baby than I do about the pictures. Look at that, I went back to calling her "the baby" not my niece. Apparently I am not ready for attachment.
File this under rambly sorting out my thoughts post. I'm sure they will be changing by the day if not the hour.
Thursday, August 2
10 comments:
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Aww. It sucks that you have to be so conflicted now---but you will get there, I'm sure.
ReplyDeleteAlso, 9 lb newborns terrify me. I would not want to give birth to one, personally. ;) (mine were in the 6 lb range)
Hang in there. I wish I had some magic words that could make all the jealousy and sadness go away.
I know I will get there, I think seeing the baby will be hard to let it leave but at least I'll feel attached.
DeleteBabies are that big on my dad's side of the family. I was the smallest of the three of us at 8lb 4oz. Clone, the new dad, was 9lbs 11.5oz.
Jealousy is right. I am starting to think it is not specifically the baby, it's the start of a 2+ family I'm jealous of at the moment.
It's too bad you both have colds and can't visit the baby. As soon as you meet her she will become your beautiful beloved niece instead of the temporary focus of your own yearning, and ambivalence will become joy. FWIW, we out here on the internet continue to send you all good wishes and encouragement on your quest for a family.
ReplyDeleteYou nailed it right on the head. A quick visit without many people around is what I need to get past this. I may not like pregnant women but I do like babies.
DeleteAnd thank you, I feel the good wishes and support. Probably why my first instinct was to just put my thoughts into the blog.
HUGS
ReplyDeleteThank you.
DeleteOh, how poignant, S. And it is no comfort, but very soon, I suspect your SIL will have greasy hair (no time to shower), bags under her eyes that won't quit and she'll practically hallucinate from exhaustion - because babies (while they are beautiful) take everything you've got. I hope, if only for brief slivers of time, you can recognize how lovely it is to be someone's aunt. That's a very special role that comes without extensive exhaustion.
ReplyDeleteThere are advantages for sure. I like being aunt-like for our friends daughters.
DeleteEveryone already said all the wise and caring things. I agree with all of them. All I have to offer is a virtual hug, a pat on the back and there there as you cry.
ReplyDeleteThis is so wrong, you should be able to feel joy at having a new member of the family instead of confused and conflicted about it. It really sucks for you and I am angry at the universe on your behalf.
PS-I hurt for you too. ♥
I like the virtual hugs.
DeleteIt is the risk of writing honest words, sometimes they make other people hurt too.