Thursday, January 3

She hit the nail on the head

I have a few ideas rolling around in my head.  I seem to be avoiding them, letting them be elusive because I don't want the effort of what they will lead to.  I have found it challenging to post lately because the words aren't coming out right.  I am not sure I'll get this quite right, but I think I'm getting close.

I had yesterday off work.  My last vacation day for 2012.  In December, I vaguely looked forward to it but didn't really think about it.  I didn't tell people about it because I didn't want them making plans for me.  Even Mr. Lina forgot and asked why I was still in my house coat as he was going out the door.  I got up with him because I thought it would make for a more productive day.

No so.  A few weeks ago, dinner conversation turned to gaming (as it often does with our friends) and I mentioned that my Plants vs Zombies device our PlayBook had SimCity Deluxe on it, a scaled down version of SimCity 2000 I had on my computer in the very late 90's.  I had some pretty serious problems with this game.  I had a hard time stepping away from it, I'd leave the city running on slow while I went to watch tv with my room mate so it would look like I was being social.  That pulled feeling is raging and I think I spent 10 hours watching my cities develop yesterday. 

I don't mind spending time playing games.  It was my day to do whatever and I knew my whatever was not going to include the rest of the world.  I wanted to be alone.  What concerns me is the choices I am passively making.  I start the day thinking I could finish the Burda dress.  I could sort through my closet and pitch excess stuff.  I could do the same thing to my sewing room.  If the Burda dress didn't feel right, I could start a new project, I could use some new panties or a me-made bra or a palate cleansing Renfrew.  If I had said I wanted to spend the day playing video games, that's fine.  But I didn't.  I turned it on to play while eating breakfast and the next thing I knew I was hungry because it was lunch.  I tried to step away, went for a walk around 3pm and went right back to it.

I am hiding in it.  I can hide like this in books.  I can hide in puzzles and games.  I have hid in baking yeast breads.  Quite frankly, I can hide in relationships and sex.  All of those things are healthy in the right amount, but when they are used to avoid excessively?  Not so healthy.  That is what has made these thoughts so hard to pin down.  This isn't a great time of year for me, but I don't feel sad, I don't feel numb.  Sure, my miscarriage has crossed my mind a few times, but not dominating my thoughts by any stretch of the imagination.  Actually I've thought more about how happy I was for those few weeks right now.  But I know I'm dragging my heels about something and it's not that Burda dress.

I was catching up on my blog reading and Myrna Giesbrecht struck a real chord with me.  Read the whole post here (and be in awe of a little girls coat) but this is what hit me over the head:
What I haven't done is write out a how-to list because we all know the how-to steps. They are the same time after time. To lose weight, eat less, exercise more, or both. To improve finances, spend less, earn more, or both. To create an X, Y or Z, sew an X or a Y or a Z. To use up the stash, use up stash. To stop increasing stash, stop buying. To write, sit at the keyboard and write. To pray, pray. To study, study. To make a home, be home making. And so it goes. It's not a lack of information; it's a lack of action.

It's not the lack of information, it's the lack of action.

Damn.  Can it get truer than that?

So when I am not being active, the question is why not?  Why not take that first step to doing something?  What's scary about my sewing room?  What's scary about making the choice to eat less (hoo boy the holidays were not made of wise food and alcohol choices, with 3lbs coming off in a day I know some of it is water but not all of what is left to go)?  What's so scary about any of these things that I need to hide?

I don't know the answer quite yet, but it's in my head somewhere.  It's okay to have a day off and veg, but I've had my share of easy days over the holidays and it's time to get moving again.

In sewing news, I did sew on New Years Eve during the day.  Remember the stuffy that I gave as a gift last January?  They lost it on Christmas day somewhere between putting her in the car and home.  Bed time has not been pleasant in that house since.  So I made Fluffy the Second and forgot to document it again.  Am I a crappy blogger or what?

4 comments:

  1. I'm reading the 15 Laws of Invaluable Growth by John Maxwell. I'm at law six and so far they've all touched nerves. One was the law of reflection - about how we can't grow if we don't stop and take a moment to look at what we have learned. Another is about taking action - about our daily habits. The quote in my blog posting was from that chapter. It's a fabulous book. Right now, I'm on the law of environment which is about how important it is to challenge ourselves, to live outside the box, to be excited, to be around people who stretch us whether that's 1-1 or reading books, listening to talks, attendng workshops. I know I need more stretching. I'd become too complacent. HUGS - you can do this.

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    1. A touched nerve is a good way to put it. I'll have to look into the book. I think part of what I benefit from having a blog is the reflection. These thoughts roll around and it gives me a place to sort it out plus the benefit of looking back 6 months to see what I thought then. It's not always quite how I remember thinking/feeling.
      My job has changed as of this week, it's likely part of it. I will be doing some stretching here and it's a bit scary. But as you say, I can do this. :)

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  2. If you're a crappy blogger then I am a crappy blog lover. I can be ok with that.
    So you are hiding. It's the middle of the winter, it's hibernation season. And you're procrastinating things you kinda want to do, kinda need to do. You're NOT procrastinating anything that would immediately save someone's life, or immediately bring about universal peace.
    I say relax about it. The really important stuff will get done when it's ready to get done. The unimportant stuff....some of it will get done too, and whatever doesn't get done at all was super-unimportant after all.
    <3

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    1. It is a hibernating time of year, isn't it? That's part of why I can roll with the idea of a day to myself. Over the holidays there were a few days that involved a mid-afternoon bath and getting dressed at 3pm. It's the pull to hiding that has me a little afraid. I have struggled enough with infertility to know that when I'm hiding from something, it only gets worse if I don't puzzle it out.

      You made me laugh with the first line about being a crappy blog lover. I am not a natural photographer, pictures are not the first thing I think of and I've missed taking pictures two projects in a row now that were gifts.

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Thanks for your comments, I love to have a two way conversation. I seem to be getting a lot of spam from anonymous users and am turning off the ability to comment that way. I really would like to hear from you so if you do want to add your two cents without an OpenId, email me at seraphinalina at gmail dot com.