You know emotionally I've had a good few weeks. In early January I felt a few red flags going off as I was passively letting time go, maybe hiding from what I should feel, but it's been okay lately. Not a lot of bad thoughts, I did some sewing for Mr. Lina, I've enjoyed spending time with my niece. It's been okay.
Well, that's come to a grinding halt.
I've had a few headaches since Friday. Not overly painful, but they leave me with the fuzzy headed feeling I have while taking migraine medications. Things like... more word slips (like saying to the waitress on Sunday "We'll have the calamari as a sausage"), slower to make connections between things, struggling to figure out the best way to get from A to B (be that analytic process or driving), forgetting about training that was in my calendar (that was yesterday). I didn't get everything done on Friday that I wanted to, but chalked it up to my headache and figured I'd make it up on the weekend. Alas, I did not.
Monday and Tuesday, I started to ignore emails. Then I'd feel my heart beating when I thought about that unread email. But I didn't want to read it because I knew what was in there was more work. Or a query about work I was suppose to have done on Friday. Overwhelming is the word I keep coming back to.
I am fine face to face. I am fine with Mr. Lina. I am fine emailing non-work people, having lunch with a friend yesterday, but things just aren't right. Yesterday I had a coworker ask me on communicator if I was okay, I didn't seem right to him. Seriously, you can tell from a chat window? That was actually what pushed me from "it's just a day" to "what the fuck". Next email was from my manager asking if I was okay.
I had a bath last night, went to bed a little early, put my book away and promptly started to cry. I don't know why. I'm not sad, I'm not particularly baby sad, I have no bad things to associate with February. I have really negative thoughts circling around about not being able to do things (which is reinforced by sausage vs starter moments) or not wanting to be here or just wanting people to go away. I don't get it. I don't even know what to talk about to get it out. I don't have the words to explain why, this post is all about "what" so maybe when I reread it, I'll see the why.
I just found a mistake in work I wanted to send off today. Actually I wanted to wrap it up on Friday to look proactive with this quarterly project that I typically fall behind on, it's really due tomorrow. But here I am finding a mistake at 6 pm.
On one hand, I'm happy I found it.
On the other, why can't I just do it right? I went slow, I checked along the way, ARRRRGH.
And now it's snowing and really windy so my drive home is going to be crappy.
And I still have to fix that mistake and prep for a meeting at 9:30 tomorrow morning on something completely different. AARRRRRGH.
I don't know if I should wish that the weekend was here or not because it just means there is that much more to get done in that much less time.
Thanks for listening. I just couldn't face redoing my work without getting some of this out first.