Thursday, January 31

Le Sigh

You know emotionally I've had a good few weeks.  In early January I felt a few red flags going off as I was passively letting time go, maybe hiding from what I should feel, but it's been okay lately.  Not a lot of bad thoughts, I did some sewing for Mr. Lina, I've enjoyed spending time with my niece.  It's been okay.

Well, that's come to a grinding halt.

I've had a few headaches since Friday.  Not overly painful, but they leave me with the fuzzy headed feeling I have while taking migraine medications.  Things like... more word slips (like saying to the waitress on Sunday "We'll have the calamari as a sausage"), slower to make connections between things, struggling to figure out the best way to get from A to B (be that analytic process or driving), forgetting about training that was in my calendar (that was yesterday).  I didn't get everything done on Friday that I wanted to, but chalked it up to my headache and figured I'd make it up on the weekend.  Alas, I did not.

Monday and Tuesday, I started to ignore emails.  Then I'd feel my heart beating when I thought about that unread email.  But I didn't want to read it because I knew what was in there was more work.  Or a query about work I was suppose to have done on Friday.  Overwhelming is the word I keep coming back to.

I am fine face to face.  I am fine with Mr. Lina.  I am fine emailing non-work people, having lunch with a friend yesterday, but things just aren't right.  Yesterday I had a coworker ask me on communicator if I was okay, I didn't seem right to him.  Seriously, you can tell from a chat window?  That was actually what pushed me from "it's just a day" to "what the fuck".  Next email was from my manager asking if I was okay.

I had a bath last night, went to bed a little early, put my book away and promptly started to cry.  I don't know why.  I'm not sad, I'm not particularly baby sad, I have no bad things to associate with February. I have really negative thoughts circling around about not being able to do things (which is reinforced by sausage vs starter moments) or not wanting to be here or just wanting people to go away.  I don't get it.  I don't even know what to talk about to get it out.  I don't have the words to explain why, this post is all about "what" so maybe when I reread it, I'll see the why.
 
I just found a mistake in work I wanted to send off today.  Actually I wanted to wrap it up on Friday to look proactive with this quarterly project that I typically fall behind on, it's really due tomorrow.  But here I am finding a mistake at 6 pm.

On one hand, I'm happy I found it.

On the other, why can't I just do it right?  I went slow, I checked along the way, ARRRRGH.

And now it's snowing and really windy so my drive home is going to be crappy.

And I still have to fix that mistake and prep for a meeting at 9:30 tomorrow morning on something completely different.  AARRRRRGH.

I don't know if I should wish that the weekend was here or not because it just means there is that much more to get done in that much less time. 

Thanks for listening.  I just couldn't face redoing my work without getting some of this out first.

13 comments:

  1. Oh, I hate ennui! And it's so easy to fall into its clutches at this time of year. The weather sure does suck. More light and warmth and ease is too far away to imagine it. Work mistakes (esp. when migraines hover) are bound to happen but the are such a misery, especially when they make you start to question your abilities.

    If it makes you feel any better, I can totally relate to this kind of feeling.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, it's always good to know you aren't the only one feeling like this.

      Delete
  2. If I could give you a digital hug, I would. Just try to get through one day at a time, or one hour, or one minute. You will get un-overwhelmed, you just have to keep the faith until then. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh it works pretty well. Reading comments is a great digital hug. Believe me it works.

      Delete
  3. Three words. Seasonal Affected Disorder. Even though you may not have experienced it before, it can happen at any time. February is usually the typical time of the year to be afflicted with it. I know that's when it jumps up and bites me on the ass. If you have such a thing as sunshine where you are, go for a walk outside, or sit in your car with your face in the sun. It does help. Unfortunately I don't have that option (no f#@king sunshine here. Although I did see a tiny patch of blue sky today. Can you tell I am suffering from it too?

    Be gentle with yourself. And consider yourself hugged. ♥

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It has been such a dreary week here. There was some sun yesterday and I made sure to look for it an appreciate it. Still had a fuzzy headed feeling at the end of the day but at least I got through it well.

      Delete
  4. Aw hun! I agree with ElleC, it sounds like SAD. If you can't find any sunshine, try vitamin D, that should help. And migraines suck, hopefully they'll go away soon...*hugs*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We are off to Mexico at the end of the month so there will be a week of sun soon-ish. Now to just get from now until then...

      Delete
  5. Check into possible sensitivities to geopathic stressors, positive ions from wind ( like chinooks or just wind direction), cosmic energies such as electron flux and coronal mass ejections.

    I feel earthquakes in my teeth and jaw but I am not adept enough at interpreting to accurately predict them. Remove dental amalgams yesterday! Try not to put metal in your body or even wear metal jewellery if you are at all having health problems. Don't believe me on any of this. Do your own research.

    If you have wireless internet and phones in your home try turning them off and see how you feel. Many people are sensitive to the growing electrosmog. Get rid of your microwave oven.
    Try not to blow dry your hair frequently as the 60 hz cycle is hazardous to health. Replace your electric alarm clock with a battery powered one and remove any electric cords running near your bed. Get the tv and other appliances out of your bedroom. Special devices exist that you can plug into your outlets to minimize the frequencies. Dimmer switches of any kind cause “dirty electricity”.

    Adrenal exhaustion, pituitary imbalances and hypothalmus irregularities can cause more sensitivities. Vitamin D as already advised, is crucial to hormone balance. Reflexology can safely pinpoint these conditions.
    Also investigate the benefits of drinking copious amounts of distilled water with lemon. (you need not worry about inorganic mineral depletion—you want only organic minerals from food)
    Migraines can sometimes be related to poor colon conditions and constipation. You must move your bowels 3-5 times per day. Drink more water, preferably distilled to avoid deadly chemicals like chlorine and fluoride and other people's drugs.

    This is enough information to overload you for a good while. Check it out for yourself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know this really isn't the forum for it, but WTF? Most of the words in this post are just gibberish or woefully misused scientific terms. I'm assuming Anonymous probably won't come back to read this, but as a Ph.D. science student, I just can't leave this one be. There is no such things as dirty electricity, minerals by definition are inorganic, and reflexology is not going to tell you a damn thing. I'm assuming Seraphinalina is smart enough to realize this, but it's been eating at me that it's been sitting here unchallenged. /end rant. :)

      Delete
  6. Belated hugs! It's certainly the time of year for depression, but if it lasts for more than a couple of weeks it's probably time to do something about it. I hate that horrible anxious feeling re email and undone work---I have sometimes gotten to the point where I would have a mini-panic-attack and start crying just trying to check it.

    Good luck, hang in there, deep breaths. This sounds chemical more than situational, probably a combination of sunlight, diet, who knows what---that doesn't make it less real, just makes it more clinical.

    And I really hope you had a good weekend. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sometimes I think these vent posts really work. I feel so much better today than last week. I followed a few suggestions of standing at the window when the sun was out, made sure to take my vitamins which have 100% of my Vit D apparently. We didn't have a whole lot planned and it was really nice to take things as they came.

      Delete

Thanks for your comments, I love to have a two way conversation. I seem to be getting a lot of spam from anonymous users and am turning off the ability to comment that way. I really would like to hear from you so if you do want to add your two cents without an OpenId, email me at seraphinalina at gmail dot com.