Time Flies

I know this sounds like a broken record, but I'm not sure where the days  are going.  I haven't been in a great mental state to blog but I didn't realize it was over two weeks.  How strange.

So what's happened in two weeks?

• We went camping with a mix of friends, my brother and his girlfriend, my cousing and his wife.  Weather was good, I slept enough, Scot and his girlfriend were super cool and did not talk about the pregancy but I did give him a real hug and true congratulations.
• I went to a wedding in another city on the Saturday of Labour Day weekend, stayed the night, saw friends, it was good
• It was my birthday on the Monday of Labour Day weekend
• My SIL has decided that she needs some help being in the first trimester and chasing a 13 month old while my brother is on course work and can't help her
• So she (and my niece) came home and we surprised my parents with their arrival at my birthday dinner
• My niece is adorable
• I was kind of glad when they all went home
• Do you know how much cleaning we had to do to have a toddler in the house when the living room looked like the basement threw up crap and furniture all over it?  I'm not kidding, I had a path to the couch when my brother and SIL brought up the idea of her visiting.
• I wore my white lawn bowling skirt, but I don't have good a picture of me in it, my niece was naturally the cetre of attention.
• I had some post-birthday blues afterwards, I would have been okay skipping my birthday this year for some reason.
• We found out our mortgage was up for renewal this year, not next year so we had to rather quickly sort that out.
• We provided a weekend of respite, my friend from Summerfolk who has Down's Syndrome stayed with us to give his mom a break, she needed it.
• That went really well. 
• I started sewing for Mr. Lina.  Not for HIM, but movie stuff.  He needs a yamika/kippah, appliques of naughty reindeer added to a sweater and a crazy costume for one actress before the last weekend of September.
• I have never even met the actress, I think I'll be "fitting" with elastic.
• Yamika #1 from this kippah pattern came out a little wonky, poor fabric choice on my part and a little small given that the head it's going on has a full mask, it's bigger than a normal head.  It's a good pattern though, I'm sticking with it for my next attempt.  I think with 6 panels it ends up with a better curve than just 4 panels like most kippah patterns I found online.
• I went to a TIFF after party which was super cool.  One of my clients was sponsoring a film (The Grand Seduction) and while they didn't have tickets to the movie, they did give me tickets to the party.  So strange going to a party at 9pm on a Sunday.  But we got prettied up and went.

• And coming up... one last kick at the camping can this weekend, bowling starts tonight, Mr. Lina is getting us storage space to start really moving boxes out of the house, house concert season is starting up (100 Mile House from Alberta on Monday Sept 23, those local, let me know if you're interested in coming), and I need a nap.

 

Aunt X2

So not only is my youngest brother (Clone) going to be a dad for the second time...

My middle brother (Scot) is also going to be a dad. 

With his girlfriend (who I do think is a good match for him), but they have only been dating since May.

On the plus side, apparently my two brothers talked prior to Scot telling me last night.  How do I know?  Scot talked to Mr. Lina in the afternoon and told him first, wanting advice on how to approach me.  Scot said that "apparently Skype isn't a good way".  No kidding. 

I love my brothers and I know how much they want to treat me with kid gloves.  I guess the thing is they don't know what to do, they (fortunately) cannot empathise nor read my mind.  And the truth is, there isn't a good way.  It's going to suck for me regardless of how they say it.  Giving me space lets me have the illusion with them that it doesn't suck so much.

Mr. Lina's advice was that it's like a band aid, just tell me.  I'll deal with it.  Don't wait to do it in person, just get it over with and I will be okay.

So Scot phoned.  I was so shocked (I mean seriously, it doesn't feel like they have been dating long enough for her to BE pregnant) the first words out of my mouth were "wow, that was fast".  Perhaps not the most tactful thing I've ever said, but it wasn't about me and my losses so it's kind of a step in the right direction. 

We are going camping this weekend.  Scott, his girlfriend, my cousin and his wife, another couple that don't have kids, and another couple who have two girls I adore.  I am so thankful he told me last night.  I would not have been able to cope with being told with that kind of an audience and no where to run.  Or was left to do the math myself when she's suddenly not accepting a beer, etc.  All I asked is that they don't spend the whole weekend gushing about it.  She doesn't have to hide it, but conversation has to be about something other than babies for me to stay sane.  I can be happy for them, I think Scot is going to be a great dad.  One thing that had me sad about his first marriage was that it looked like they weren't going to have kids and I really thought he should be a dad.  And he's 35, I get that there isn't the time for an engagement and big wedding and crap before having kids (although I do get the impression this was a bit of a happy surprise for them).

I will say, I am doing better today than I expected.  I'm not sad or teary, I've been productive.  I guess I'm just mostly still surprised over it all.  We'll see how it goes.  I'm already scared of when they both have their babies within weeks of each other.

Another Sign of Summer Ending

Today is my 9th anniversary.  9 years ago, we looked like this:

It was a wonderful day.  One of the warmer days in a fairly cool summer, but not so hot to be uncomfortable.  All of my outdoor pictures have someone squinting from the sun.  I was so excited, it was all I could do to not jump.  I think I was while I waited in the vestry.  Time is such a strange thing.  It feels like it wasn't that long ago we got married but I feel like I've had his last name for longer than 9 years.  On the crazy roller coaster I've been on, there is no one else I'd rather have holding my hand.

Yesterday when I was about to leave work, my youngest brother started up a conversation with me.  I like writing and by extension chatting.  You get time to think about your reply but the speed lacking in email where you can immediately clarify when the intended tone is not understood.  We chatted for about 2 hours.  I think security were the only other people left in the building when I went home, but it was worth staying.  My brother and SIL know I'm not going to take news like that overly well and no, they were not so wrapped up in their baby bliss to not notice the lack of response and change of subject.  And I had time to explain to him that I don't like being told in person, that I'd rather have an email where I can compose myself privately before replying.  It's not his job to manage my feelings, nor my job to manage his.  But I do appreciate the time to manage my feelings without an audience.  Net-net, all is good between us and I feel good today.

Where does the summer go?

When I was a kid, summer seemed to last forever.  There were the weeks of swimming lessons, a week of family adventures for my dad's holidays, hours and hours on my bike.  But I just went to Summerfolk, the CNE has started and that means that my birthday and Labour Day weekend is not far away.  How crazy is that.  I feel like three blinks ago it was June with the summer ahead of us.

I have multiple blog posts in my head - a little update on the Toronto meet up, the 2 Sorbettos and the A line skirt I've made, a Summerfolk review, our house concert schedule is set...  but I need to get pictures off of Mr. Lina's camera (he was kind enough to take a few pictures for me) and much as I love writing, I seem to like sewing more than writing, Sorbetto variation #5 just needs a hem.  That's a good thing.  :)

So while I get pictures organized... I got a little recognition for my mentoring at work.  A project we worked on to build up my coworkers skills was recognised by her client with a reward that has never gone to a research partner.  Shiny gold star for her and I am so very proud of her.  On the plus side, people are recognising me as her trainer and I really appreciate that.  I got a certificate to put up at my desk and I get to pick a prize from over 200 options.  That sounds like a lot until you start ruling things out,  I don't want a watch/jewellery, I don't have kids, don't golf, I don't need many kitchen appliances.  There are quite a few cool, nice to have things, but nothing that is the clear winner.  I have narrowed it to a few things.

1. Hammock for two with stand - the stand means I don't need trees to use it, but if I'm moving and it's the end of the summer, this is just another thing to pack.
2. Lagostina 7L pressure cooker that I really don't have space for in my kitchen and I've never cooked with a pressure cooker, but it seems kind of cool.
3. Coleman All in One Cooking system - we have a traditional 2 burner Coleman stove, this has multiple cooking surfaces so you can fry and grill as well as use the traditional burner.  But I worry it's a bit small, like you can't be boiling water while cooking eggs which I can do with a two burner stove.  So cool, but not fantastic.
4. DeLonghi Professional Ironing System - this is where I'd appreciate your feedback.  I have a basic iron that I am generally happy with, it does what I need it to do and throws enough steam to hurt my fingers when I'm not careful.  Still... this looks like a neat iron and given the general price point, it should be better than my little iron.  I generally work on the principle of making do with what I have and that makes it hard to pick an iron that doesn't need replacing. 

Decision making isn't always my strong point.  I got this award in June and I got an email reminding me I hadn't picked something.  Two months hasn't helped although I guess I can rule out picking the baby oriented stuff.  The crib and baby monitors were looking tempting in June.  This isn't sad, it's just replaced by the thought that some of the older kid stuff (bikes are one of my options) will be a good choice at some point.

And can I reiterate I hate being told people are pregnant in person?  I feel stunned every time.  It is like I'm a wooden replica of myself that doesn't know what to say.  I say congratulations, but I'm not sure it actually sounds convincing and I don't have any follow up questions.  I immediately start thinking of myself and how this times with either my last loss or how many weeks farther they are than I've made it.  I need time to see this through their eyes.  It just sucks and I hate that I'm probably making them feel awful by not looking happy.

You can imagine that rant didn't come out of the blue.  My youngest brothers wife is pregnant again and they told us last night over Skype.  I will be happy for them, I do love my niece, but I'm not sure I am today.  She is at 7 weeks and my first thought was that I didn't make it that far.  I don't think I realised how much that was bugging me until I started to post.  I really didn't mean to go there, but now I'm leaky for the 3rd time today.  Not the most work appropriate behaviour.

So let's leave this with Vance Gilbert.  I didn't get to see nearly enough of him this weekend at Summerfolk.  This song, Goodbye Pluto, it is about Pluto losing their planetary status, but it's a song that makes Mr. Lina and I a little leaky.  It's a song worth a second listen for the words.

Procrastination

As mentioned, we had the basement and hallways painted.  This required furniture to be moved and while some stuff went to the garage, the rest was moved around the room or into other rooms.  I figured while the furniture was away from the walls, it was a good time to borrow my parents steam cleaner and get to the carpets that haven't been seen in 9 years.  Until last night, there wasn't even a spot in the house where 3 people could sit together that wasn't a bed.

This is a long winded way to say I (we) have a lot of things to move and decide to pack or not pack and I don't really want to do it.

So what is a procrastinator to do? 

ANYTHING else.

And how have I filled my time?

1. Sorbetto #3 (I think it needs back darts, it's a bit puffy and I need pictures to blog)
2. Sorbetto #4 (I do have pictures but not with me at the moment)
3. Toronto Sewing Meet Up on Saturday (and I need pictures to do this justice, short version was that it was a whole lot of fun, so great to meet other bloggers and readers!)
4. Complete addiction to the game Dominion (seriously awesome card/deck building game, Mr. Lina should not have told me about the on line version)
5. Sewed up the fabric I bought at King Fabrics into an A line skirt
6. Wore said skirt to work and lawn bowling (a team event which necessitated light coloured clothing and I have come to realise I don't wear a lot of white)
7. Walks with Mr. Lina
8. Massive amounts of dusting as furniture was moved
9. Sneezed.  I know this is odd to include in a list of things I've done, but I'm sneezing a lot, clearly ragweed season is starting.

I think to get anything done I have to think of something else that I want to do even less. 

I am seriously happy with my white skirt.  Believe you me, I'll be posting about it because there are things that I like about it that make Mr. Lina's eyes glaze over.  I am very pleased by the construction and I find myself thinking about another one and the changes I'd make and what fabric I have in my stash that would work better.  I've already trimmed down the pattern pieces where I think it needed tweaking.  It's just calling my name to try that tweak out.

This is more of a note to myself but... I seem to have a new sleep issue.  Not only am I now an occasional sleep walker and talker (which I haven't done in a while now), but we can add humming to the list.  Twice this week I've woken up Mr. Lina.  Although he tells me the second time it was a ghost humming the tuneless song of its people from my side of the bed.  I appreciate he tried to make it funny.  Googling tells me it's not an issue to my health, but I don't like that it's waking Mr. Lina up.

You know what I'm not?  Sad.  At all. 

Friday night we went to see some very good friends.  On the drive there (about 45 min) I was telling Mr. Lina about some fanstasic Excel-fu I unleashed at work that day.  He doesn't use Excel so most of this was going way over his head and I knew it, but I had to share my pride in making it work.    And then he said it was good to see "Chatty Sera" back again.  I'm a talkative person, to the point when I'm quiet, he worries and is quick to assume I'm angry.  I've been quiet a lot the past few years.  From my perspective, I simply did not have much to say, certainly nothing that was exciting to bubble out of me.  He sees the change.

On Friday morning we met with our fertility doctor for our review of the last FET.  I figured it would at the very least give us closure with the clinic.  I have mentioned that our doctor takes my losses personally, like he should be able to "fix" this problem and I keep stumping him.  He even offered us an IVF cycle for free if I don't make it to 12 weeks of pregnancy.  And we politely declined.  It's not money making me stop, I don't want to do that again.  I appreciate the offer, but it didn't even feel tempting.  I think that's a good sign that I really am honestly good with this.  I'm on the right path and I know it.

Quite likely, there are children out there right now that are going to call me mom.  This has all been part of the journey that is going to make us the right parents for them.

The Parking Lot

The other day I was meeting with someone at work and she talked about "The Parking Lot".  She was giving advice to my new coworker that he didn't need to know everything right off the bat.  It was always okay to say "I don't know, let's put that in The Parking Lot and I'll find out for you".  It's good advice, he's not going to catch up to my 7 years of doing this in 3 weeks.

For me, this blog has become a parking lot.  Sometimes when I'm at work, ideas swirl around and they need to go somewhere so I can focus.  A quick post here serves that purpose (and lets me delay doing work I'm not all that interested in).  It's not so much , but it does become a storage place for ideas I need to set aside.

I haven't been posting much lately for a few reasons.

• I'm mentoring "the new guy".  Either I'm looking at his screen or he's looking at mine.
• That takes up a lot of time and I still have my own work to do, no time to procrastinate.
• I'm interested in what I'm doing at work again so my attention span is better. 
• I don't have negative thought swirling around that need temporary storage.
• I spend all day in front of a computer, so when I'm home, I don't spend much time online.  If I don't find time to post at work, I'm not likely to post at home.
• I don't have a lot to think about, I'm at an action stage more than a thinking stage.

This weekend was great.  We are getting the basement and hallways/stairs to the second floor painted on Wed/Thurs which means we have to declutter to let the painters get at the walls.  The basement is where we hang out, it's full of media and stuff.  We filled 14 52L totes with books, DVD's and CDs and 5 paper boxes of books.  And that's still not everything.  What can I say?  Mr. Lina likes his movies and we support a lot of musicians by purchasing CDs.

In May we (that's the royal we, meaning mostly Mr. Lina) sanded the deck and stained it, the focus being on the horizontal boards of the deck so we could set out our new patio furniture.  Sunday we finally had the weather and time to finish the railings.  We weren't sanding those down, just painting over them.  It was hot and sweaty work but it looks nice now that it is done.  Another box ticked off on the to-do list.

Mr. Lina started a batch of beer with a friend on Monday (a stat holiday in Ontario).  They are splitting the batch of a Belgian Tripel they are trying to clone (smile, nod, no it doesn't mean much to me either but if you want to know more, check this out).  So I had to clean the kitchen so they could make a mess of it with the beer making (which they did generally clean up).

And I sewed.  Yes indeed, I've made another Sorbetto.  This is now the 4th time I've made this pattern but I need that kind of low thinking/pre-traced sewing to get me back into the swing of things and this does fill a wardrobe gap.  There was still some thinking involved since the first two don't really fit well at the bust (not sure if they ever did or if it's a change in bras), even after #3 it still needed some tweaking.  I asked Mr. Lina to take pictures of me on Friday when I wore #3 to work, but it didn't quite happen.  #4 needs to be hemmed and we'll see how #3 did in the wash last night.  It's 100% cotton and came out wrinkly (as expected from cotton), hopefully it did all of it's shrinking in the pre-wash.

So moving two 64L bins of fabric our of my sewing room seems to have had a positive impact - productivity.  Saturday I'll be joining the Toronto Meet Up (details here - and I have a choice of new shirts to wear!), which means shopping, the opposite of decluttering.  I might have to keep an eye out for some white fabric.  We're doing a team fun day of lawn bowling on Monday afternoon, wearing white is required.  I suspect my pale beige pencil skirt that probably doesn't fit me at my present weight is a good choice for lawn bowling.  A white A line skirt might be in order and I'm sure the only white in my stash is broadcloth.

Trailer Time

I've mentioned many times before that Mr. Lina makes movies in his spare time. I've had some involvement, occasionally sewing backdrops or props, more frequently feeding cast & crew or production meetings. Well, I have something to share.

The latest film is called Tasha and Friends and is finally done. It's taken a long time to come to this, filming started 11 months ago and Mr. Lina is starting to submit to festivals this week. They have created a T&F facebook page and to celebrate having 100 likes, they have launched the trailer for the film.

The girl who did the voice for Jingles (the pink puppet), wasn't available and given how long they spent getting the film ready, they didn't want to wait to reshedule the voice work for the trailer. So guess who was the only female in the house on the day they DID want to do the voice work?

Yep, that's me as Jingles.

Also, in the trailer you get about 1 second shot of a black pair of panties I made in a rather un-panty like way.

And a brief warning of what to expect, there are very quick cuts to lots of fake blood and latex gore, there is one line of dialogue with swearing. I wouldn't watch this with children around but it's not so bad to be offensive.

Check In

I have started posting a couple of times and I'm still struggling to find the right words.  I have so many trees that I'm struggling to see the forest.  Just so this isn't totally pictureless, I'm going to add a few vacation pictures from our time in Manitoba.  I came back to "bad things" and didn't really get to talk about our vacation.  It was very restful but I look tired in every picture.

In general, I'm doing quite well.  I've been able to focus at work most of the time.  I'm not a teary mess prone to negative thoughts, nor a complete space cadet (although I did leave my purse at home on Thursday).  I can see a little anger poking through now and again through sarcasm or self depreciating humour, but it's little peeks, not full blown craziness. 

Does this look like someone who slept 10 hours?

Physically, things are also good.  I pretty much fit back into my old bras.  The bruises on my abdomen are pale brown, if they were elsewhere you might think I missed a spot with sunscreen and have a strange tan line.  I somehow lost a little weight.  That has helped with my body acceptance.  I don't feel fat on top of not speaking to my uterus and I fit into another pair of pants.  I'm about 10lbs down from my high weight and looking at my book of measurements, my waist is the same size as it was in 2007 (granted it was an inch smaller in 2010, I still have a little ways to go).  I don't really have the resources to focus on weight loss, I'd just like to continue making wiser choices and keep an eye on my portion sizes.  I'm not in a rush and this seems to be working.

I am struggling to do some things I would have avoided while pregnant.  I guess to do some of these things I really have to be okay that it's done.  Really done-done.  This is where I see a little disconnect.  I'm not sad, I can talk about what happened and adoption, and yet I can't seem to accept a diet Coke or a glass of wine.  I am easing into these things and trying not to make a big deal of it either way (neither beating myself up for not being ready nor forcing myself to do it).  I'll get there.  I've had a few sips of Mr. Lina's beer and is it really such a bad thing to not have artificial sweetners?  Weight loss sure is easier if I'm not drinking a bottle of wine.

Mr. Lina is doing a little better too.  Not that we've talked much about the loss specifically, but we both seem to feel like we've said as much as we can on the previous losses and we are able to talk about what's next.  He is starting to say things that he will miss because we won't experience a new born baby.  It's a start.  When I went to see our therapist I went on my own.  I was worried at first she would think things weren't good with us, she's often commented on the strength of our relationship.  But she agreed with me, if he wasn't ready to talk to her, that's okay and it was okay for me to come on my own.  I'm pretty sure he's coming with me on Thursday for the second appointment.

Moving onto adoption is a big domino to over turn.  We had already said we would need to move, so naturally that's next on the to-do list.  (Side note, it's not Children's Aid Society/Family & Child Services (CAS/FACS depending on the region) that would require us to move, but this isn't our "with-kids-forever-house" and it's not fair to adopt siblings and realize 3 days in that there isn't enough space and putting them through more upheaval.  I'm not giving up my sewing room.)  I'm not sure how ready I am for that.  It's making me more likely to pitch things while cleaning up, but it's moving that makes me feel overwhelmed when I really think about it.  I'm not sure where we should go to, which employers we should focus on when picking a location, it's a lot to juggle and I don't like ruling out options.  Not to mention 9 years of crap in the house that needs to be dealt with.  I've packed up two clear 62L bins of fabric.  It sounds like a lot but it still leaves lots of fabric to work with should the muse strike.  I could probably fill two more and still have fabric out for a dozen projects.  Cleaning up my sewing room like this also made me realize just how many UFO's I have.  UFOs are something to contemplate another day.

In the meantime, I've ended up crocheting a lot.  Granted it's all the same blanket pattern that I made for my niece, but I find it soothing and it makes television time with Mr. Lina feel less... wasteful.  One project is in a white yarn that I'm not overly happy with.  It felt softer on the ball than in the project and it's made up BIG.  This is not going to be a baby sized blanket.  I need to buy another crappy ball of yarn because it's not long enough for the width and it's not so crappy that it isn't worth finishing.  So it's on hold for the moment.  While in Manitoba, I started a yellow blanket I'm happier with.  It's soft and the shells are smaller and popping to opposite sides nicely.  As much as I bought 3 balls of wool, I think I'll need a 4th, it's not getting a lot of height in the shells.  I put 27 shells across instead of 29 that the pattern calls for, but it is still going to need more rows to look balanced to the width.

And just a reminder that there will be a Toronto meet up on August 10th at 10am.  I am really looking forward to it.  FunnyGrrl is coming to town and the details are on her blog, Falling Through Your Clothes.  It looks like we're up to 9-10 people so far.

Coping

Thank you so much for all the comments on my last post.  I read each one as they arrived, it was like being surrounded by much needed love. 

I am doing...  okay.  Coping is maybe the best word.

Monday was a bit of a blur.  My parents met us at the clinic, the plan being they would take Mr. Lina to pick up his car that was in for warranty body work while we were gone.  When I walked out of the clinic, my mom was walking towards me and all I could do was shake my head and I was enveloped in a tearful hug.  Dad took Mr. Lina to get his car, Mom drove me home.  My parents stayed until about 3 and by that point I was still stunned, too stunned to really feel anything. 

Since they left, time has passed oddly, sometimes dragging, sometimes I'm surprised to find myself hungry again.  We had a 5 hour black out (6pm-11pm) thanks to the storm that hit Toronto.  This is much better than other areas of the city, a friend was without power for 24 hours and his last Facebook status indicated his neighbours across the street were still without power hours after his came back.  I have spent time on the phone with my parents talking about everything but "the m word".  My walking friend came over for a chat this morning.  People have emailed me, I have replied when I can.

My workplace has been fantastic.  On Tuesday morning, I sent an email to my manager and our director.  I told them I wasn't sure what kind of time I was going to need, this is about mental health more than physical.  Given that nothing developed, this has not been physically difficult.  Not without pain, but I have known worse.  We are so short handed at work and trying to train new people...  I know they need me.  And yet, in reply I was told by my director that I came first.  My health was more important and I should take whatever time I need.  I know this, but it is something I needed to hear so I don't rush back early with a false sense of guilt.  I am going to take it one day at a time, not looking too far ahead.  And today, the two of them sent me flowers.  Flowers.


My crazy hops plant, post trimming.

I am struggling to sleep.  I don't feel particularly tired during the day, I feel unsettled.  Sometimes I can sit and read, other times I need to putter - dusting at random, a single load of laundry, packing up my leftover medication, hacking at the explosion of plants (notably the hops above) and weeds in front garden, crocheting.  I bought a gift for my niece, her birthday is coming and it will take time to be shipped so far.  I lack focus.  I thought a house plant needed watering, I took the bottle I keep near it into the kitchen.  I don't remember exactly when I did that or what distracted me, but I found the water bottle full in the sink this afternoon.  I have had moments of crying, but not as many as you might think.  It's still a little surreal, this doesn't feel... final.  But I know it is.

Clearly more emotion could be aimed at the weeds in my roses.

Mr. Lina can't talk about it yet.  We cuddle, he holds me when I cry and we talked nonsense at 1am when neither of us could sleep.  He sends me lots of DVR times when the kittens are being cute to make me smile.  But for him, life is carrying on - he's gone to work, he's at a concert tonight with a friend.  His crazy director left the company, so he actually had something to celebrate yesterday.  And going on with "normal" is okay too, for now.  We often feel the impact and grief at different times, I know his time will come and I will be in a better state to help him when he gets there.  But he's not ready to listen to me either, and that is unusual.  On the plus side, I don't really have much to say yet.

I have booked an appointment to see our therapist tomorrow night.  Mr. Lina has a production meeting that has been cancelled three times (including Monday) that he would like to continue on with.  And that's fine.  I'm not sure he's ready to hear me talk anyhow and the first visit will be a lot of catch up on what's happened.  The rest of our appointments will be together, but I need to see her to start opening up a little more than stating facts like it's someone else I'm talking about.  She will be key to us getting real closure on this chapter of our lives.

One thing I am feeling is anger at my body.  I can't look at myself naked right now, no lingering between the shower and getting dressed.  This is going to sound irrational but it's the way I feel, no one said it had to be logical.  I'm angry at my breasts for lying to me and I don't want to observe the changes as they go back to normal.  I don't even want to support them with a proper bra.  I don't want to see the bruises on my abdomen that are a reminder of what I was doing to make this work.  I'm not speaking to my uterus, it should not be empty.  Writing that, thinking about that, acknowledging that there is intent behind my behaviour, that makes me feel something and tear up.  (But no, I will not end up a never nude like Tobias, I will like my breasts again when they fit in my very pretty bra.)

I guess this seems like a bit of a list.  As I say, it's like talking about someone else with the exception of the last paragraph.  The hard emotional work will come.

Alas

It was not to be.

I had a fantastic vacation.  I slept.  I swam.  I fished.  I crocheted.  I slept.  I felt pretty good.

But I had my 6 week ultrasound today and my uterus is empty.  There is no fetal pole there, no heart beat beyond my own.  So they ran blood work and sure enough, my HCG levels are down.  They aren't even making me come in to check again so it must be really low, they usually want to track it to lower than 5.

I'm numb.  I'm sad.  But I'm... okay.

I have been here before, I know I'll get through it.  I also know this blog will be part of getting past it.  I'll write more when I'm ready.  Believe you me, I'll be writing.