Monday, November 12

Nighttime Ramblings

I have mentioned this a few times, but I sometimes have problems with vivid dreams and occasionally sleep walking or talking.  I rarely make it past the foot of my bed.  If I do, I wake up enough that I still feel some compulsion to do whatever I started, but I'm a little more aware of what is going on.  I am quite likely to go to the bathroom at that point because it feels like that thing you do when you aren't in bed in the middle of the night. 

Most dreams that lead to walking are reoccurring.   The past few years, the dream has been some variation of thinking someone is in the room and I am concerned because I generally sleep naked and I shouldn't be naked with people other than Mr. Lina.  The practical solution was to wear pj's if Mr. Lina wasn't coming to bed at the same time as me (he was usually the "other person" since he wasn't there when I went to bed), so far that has worked.  But since we came back from Florida, I have woken up almost every night mid dream still believing it's real.  Three times I've gone to bed naked and woken up with pj's on (I do remember putting the pj's on but it's pretty fuzzy).  All but one dream involve going on a roller coaster (in the exception, I was a waitress trying to remember multiple tables orders).  The ending has shifted over the two weeks, starting with not knowing I was in my own bedroom and now I wake up surprised that Disney knew how to make the ride come back to my bedroom.  From that point I get stressed trying to figure out how I got to the ride naked (or how to get off the ride), which leads to me sneakily sleep walking to my cupboard (or laundry pile last night) for pj's.  I put on the pj's and I fall back asleep fairly quickly.  I don't lose a lot of sleep over these dreams but I don't like waking up feeling stressed and confused.  The practical solution will be to wear pj's for a while to stop the walking (although not the dreaming because I don't always walk), but it does hint to other issues.

In short, something is on my mind.  Something is bothering me.  I don't do this when I'm not stressed and over thinking something.

So what could it be... 
  • Infertility treatments are looming, I know I'm feeling a little unsure in my decision to take Humira.
  • Which reminds me, the sono/blood work I thought were booked for Saturday?  We went to the clinic to find out it is for NEXT Saturday.  And when I got home I remembered there was paperwork for me to sign/pick up that I forgot to ask for.  Sigh.
  • It's our last cycle and as much as I am good with that, it doesn't mean it's all butterflies and rainbows.
  • Performance review time is starting at work.  I know my manager will give me a good review but I tend to think critically of myself and don't like writing that out.
  • I am juggling too many clients at work but part of "too much" ends today and I will be back to one day a week at my employers office rather than one day every 2-3 weeks.
  • I really liked Disney and want the rides to continue?  As fun as it was, I don't think this is it.  I wake up either in line or at the end of the ride, I don't remember fun part of the ride and it's not the same as any of the rides at Disney, maybe the closest is the three seat tube like thing for Space Mountain.
  • I am not feeling down like I did a year ago, I know I'm procrastinating horribly at work and hiding from reality in games/books so things aren't perfect, but I know I am in a better mental state than I have been.
I did do some sewing this weekend.  Yay!  I tidied up my sewing table so I could have some elbow room.  I have Burda 118 A cut out.  I am disappointed in myself for not paying attention to the direction of stretch because having the stretch going around my body just makes sense, but I think it will be okay.  It is suppose to be on the bias, but someone has cut it on the straight of grain and it's been fine, so it shouldn't be a fitting issue (or if it is, that's me grading up incorrectly).  It isn't overly stretchy so I don't *think* it will impact the hemline drastically.  I have found some flaws in the fabric.  Just a little thread pulling on one side.  Colour wise, I can't tell front from back of the fabric but those pulled threads have decided which is which.  I cut around the worst one but there are two small spots I couldn't work around (but I also can't see it on the right side where I could if I knew where to look with the larger one).  The stay stitching is done, it's fraying around the curves so I have already zig zagged the seam allowances for the front piece, the gathering on the side is done.  The more I touch the fabric the softer it feels (although burn test has me thinking it's completely synthetic) - I love the fabric.  I think I've been sewing slowly because I'm afraid of f*cking it all up rather than trusting myself to read and follow directions. 

11 comments:

  1. This is about your comments blurb. Me too. Multiple spam comments every single day. What is up with that?

    Weird about recurring dreams, I always know when I have a temperature, because I have the same dream. Ever since I was a little kid.

    Hope you are feeling more at peace soon.

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    1. I don't know what got someones attention, but I went from zero spam to a few that were kind of amusing in the attempt to look like real replies to being swamped. All of them were annonymous so I figured this was one way to end it.

      Well your body sure knows how to send a signal if you get the same dream with a fever.

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  2. Hmmm...I have no idea what the dreams mean. Usually when I "sleepwalk" it's because I've been doing a very repetitive job over and over (such as driving a tractor, I've been known to sit bolt upright in bed and "shift gears" and "raise/lower _______ implement"). I switched to wearing a (non-underwired) bra (k-line made me do it!! LOL!) and panties to bed, and I really like it. I feel like I've been sleeping better. You might try that instead of the full on pj's if you think that might help.

    I am waiting patiently to see your iteration of this dress, because it looks like it's going to be gorgeous. :-)

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    1. Leave it to Becca to sleepwalk because she's been riding a tractor?!?! :-) BTW, how I'd love to have my sleeping bra. It's one of the ones that was lost in transit. May be a while before I see it.

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    2. I can totally see that happening. If I play something like solitaire too much before bed, I'll dream I'm playing. The reason I know this is I wake up frustrated that I can't keep track of 52 cards in my head.

      It's actually not so much that I don't like pjs, I do wear something when hormones make my breasts sore (shelf bra tank is my fave for that) or when it's hot and I want fabric between my husband and I, but we're cuddlers. I like feeling skin to skin contact.

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  3. You have been on an emotional rollercoaster... maybe that is what the ride represents.

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    1. Yes, that makes sense. Maybe being on so many rides just made it easier for my brain to use that metaphor right now.

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  4. You've got a ton of things on the go. Having just gone back to work and done my performance review on the same day, I can completely relate to how you describe your feelings about the process. Just that is a lot to consider. Add the 8000 other things you've got on the go and it's stressful!

    I have a question (totally feel free to ignore it, but it's something I've been thinking about): Do you have to do your final procedure right now? I do understand that fertility is very time-sensitive but will 6 months to a year make a huge difference to the potential outcome? The reason I mention this is because your ambivalence over the process is very clear. Is it the result of not wanting to deal with another potential heart-breaking disappointment (which is TOTALLY understandable)? Or is that you are truly tired of this - body, mind and spirit? Your body, first and foremost, belongs to you. When you're on the merry-go-round of treatments, I suspect that it becomes all about something and someone else. Someone who's not even there yet. And that "not yet" person is taking up a lot of space, in your body!

    I think it's wonderful that you know you're on better ground right now than you were last year. It seems you've done a lot of great searching and thinking this year that has likely contributed to your improving head space. Maybe a bit more time, to determine next steps, is in order.

    PS: This in no way casts doubt on your eventual maternity. I'm sure that you will find a way to have the little baby you desire so much.

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    1. Do I have to do it now? No, but if not now, when? Honestly I'm half expecting them to say that Christmas closures are going to push my transfer into late January/February. This takes two cycles so it's better to get some of this testing out of the way.

      I have put time between every single cycle. For more testing, my mental/emotional health, our relationship. But 2011, when I had nothing but waiting and testing and the few months we tried to get me pregnant naturally with Femara (pre-blog), that's when I felt the worst. It's been 5 months now since the last FET, it will be 7 by the time we get to transfer day. These embryos are from my last IVF cycle in June of 2010. I don't think time is going to make me feel more enthused about going to the clinic. And it's not going to change the outcome. I'm following the protocol that my doctor set out. I could say no to Humira, but that's the only thing that I'm iffy about.

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    2. I hear you. Have you been able to talk with any other patients who have taken the Humira, just to find out how they found it (so you can make an anecdotally "more informed" decision - I do know that drugs interact with everyone differently but you know what I mean)? Would this be the only element of the next transfer that would be different than the other times?

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    3. This is totally off label use of Humira. When I google it to find blogs and message boards etc, it is always for people with auto immune issues who generally take Humira and decide to stay on Humira rather than risk a relapse of their underlying disease. None of what I read set off alarm bells for me, if it did, I would have said no. I've also phoned a study that is happening in the US for women who have taken it to hear about their preliminary results. At the time they were still accepting women into the study so this was very basic stats on no additional birth defects, normal birth weight etc. Again, no alarm bells on that front. Humira should have a molecular size too large to pass to the baby. It is still a bit scary to be part of the early testing.

      The vast majority of the cycle will be the same. I'm doing intralipids, we'll do the endometrial scratch, the usual hormones at the usual times (I can't do a natural cycle because I don't ovulate predictably). I'm still taking baby aspirin, vitamins, metformin, etc. What does change is rather than this all being started because of my period, Humira will be the first domino in what happens when.

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Thanks for your comments, I love to have a two way conversation. I seem to be getting a lot of spam from anonymous users and am turning off the ability to comment that way. I really would like to hear from you so if you do want to add your two cents without an OpenId, email me at seraphinalina at gmail dot com.