Tuesday, November 6

Here we go again

I'd like to thank Nothy at Aft Agley for her Burda giveaway.  I was lucky to win her last giveaway but you can too!  She has another Burda up for grabs.  I have never used Burda before so I was excited to win as a way to see what all the fuss is about.  There are some cute dresses in this issue but while my eye likes some of the ones with front pleats, I'm not sure that's a good spot for pleats on me.  I think I'd like to tackle this dress first.
From Aft Agley
The neckline and wrap feels like something that would suit me well and fit in my work wardrobe perfectly.  Although her posture and arm is a little odd, I hope that isn't hiding a gaping neckline.

And now into the non-sewing update.

I am in the prep stages for our next (and final) frozen embryo transfer cycle.  I know this is going to be a really hard cycle.  I am ready for it to be the last, but that doesn't mean it will be easy.  I'm already noticing some differences between what is in my head (just get it over with) and my behaviour (waiting 4 days to book an appointment).

I have agreed to trying the drug Humira with this cycle.  It's pretty controversial, there is no real proof it is going to work but there is also nothing saying it won't.  The immunologist we saw last year wouldn't recommend it but my doctor does.  May I say it sucks to be at the cutting edge of medicine?  No one has a single answer to agree on and I'm left in the middle basing decisions on trust because research sure isn't giving me an empirical reason one way or another.

Humira suppresses your immune system.  It is generally prescribed for autoimmune diseases like rheumatoid arthritis, Chrone's, colitis, etc.  I've taken other drugs to suppress my immune system but this one is another class of drugs all together.  My drug plan will cover it if my doctor fills out a form to say it's needed.  Even with 80% coverage, it's not cheap.  Injections happen two weeks apart and the start of Humira is the domino that sets everything else for this cycle in motion.

Humira does such a good job of suppression, I can't take it until I've been checked for tuberculosis.  So I'm off to my family doctor today for a TB test and booking a chest x-ray.  Part of me is annoyed that the clinic didn't mention this back in July, I could have had this done a little sooner but I don't have a time machine so I can't do much about that.  I guess I have dragged my feet about it because it highlights again the risks I'm taking to myself with this drug. 

I also have to get a sonohystogram done and both of us need STD screening done and given that my last period was September, a pregnancy test.  Sonos are not all that horrible, advil worthy, like being hit with the worst cramps out of the blue, but I know it ends and I know the pain is short.  They fill up my uterus and fallopian tubes with saline and check by ultrasound that there aren't any blockages, abnormalities, etc.  If you have blockages, from what I've read this can be really painful as the saline tries to push past.  STD screening is only good for 6 months so it feels like I am always getting this done.  I don't care so much, I have to be there for other blood work and ultrasounds, but Mr. Lina drags his heels.  He doesn't like needles, they draw a lot of blood for that test, and he has to go out of his way to do it.

And the pregnancy test.  My last period was just before my birthday in September.  Something is going on with my hormones, my breasts are crazy tender, it is enough that I did a home pregnancy test the other morning to put my mind at ease when accepting a glass of wine.  But no, either my HCG level was below 25 or something else is going on.  Maybe my period is going to arrive soon and my progesterone levels are rising.  The clinic tests are more sensitive, I am okay with them testing for me again to be sure before doing all this.

I am so done with all this poking and prodding.  It just feels annoying to me, not exciting that we're starting a new cycle.  Usually I don't mind some of this because it means something is happening, hope returns and all that.  Now I'm dragging my feet at the same time I'm impatient to get it over with.

I just want to be a mom.

6 comments:

  1. I can totally imagine your ambivalence. On the one hand, you have a yearning for a particular outcome (that you've put so much effort into achieving). On the other hand, how much can you objectify (and poke) at your body - which is precious! - in the name of achieving it.

    As a person who's just come off an immune-suppressing drug, I can say that it's serious stuff. I totally understand why you don't want to have saline procedures and take drugs.

    But I also relate to the well spring of hope.

    I am so hopeful for you, yet again. I really want you to have the chance to be a mom too. xo

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    1. I need to tap into that well of hope a little better to get through this. It's like having one foot in this cycle and feeling the other foot reluctant to jump in because it hurts.
      Some time, some way, it's going to happen.

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  2. Even though I never wanted kids, I swear I have a vague sense of the emotional pain this process costs you. I literally am praying for you, and I am almost an atheist. That is because it is the only thing I can do for you. Hugs. Fingers, toes, arms, legs and eyes crossed for you too.

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    Replies
    1. I think everyone can relate to desperately wanting something and having to jump through hoops to get there. This has more emotions than maybe a promotion, but the feelings of frustration would be common.
      Thank you for all of those hugs, wishes and prayers.

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  3. I really like the look of this dress, odd arm pose aside so I look forward to seeing your finished project!

    Thank you for your lovely comment on my blog too!

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    Replies
    1. You just never know what they are hiding in an odd pose. There was a misprint that had me googling in confusion last night and I saw a few other versions and it really is lovely. See: http://allisoncsewinggallery.blogspot.ca/2012/10/burda-style-102012-118-dress.html

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Thanks for your comments, I love to have a two way conversation. I seem to be getting a lot of spam from anonymous users and am turning off the ability to comment that way. I really would like to hear from you so if you do want to add your two cents without an OpenId, email me at seraphinalina at gmail dot com.