Friday, June 1

So far so good
I think that about sums up where we are.  Very happy about crossing that first hurdle with a promising number but trying not to get too excited.  Thank you all for your comments and support, it really does mean a lot to me.

Attachment is a huge word in adoption.  We all have Disney-fied visions of adoption as a happy story, but a whole lot of crap went on in that young life prior to the adoption.  Adults are suppose to care for little ones and someone did not take care of them.  It is likely that many people did not.  People came and people went in their little lives.  That's hard on a little heart just like my heart is pretty battered from all of my past hopes.  The first time I was really talking about adoption with a friend of mine who works for Children's Aid in another region, she said attachment was everything.  If it was there, families could be mended, without it everything was so much harder.  Because I've always wanted to be a mom, and I have a great mom, I didn't understand how precious attachment is.  Over time, reading other peoples journeys, I'm starting to get it. 

Yesterday, part of my problem is that I didn't know what to expect.  With a lot of the past tests, I've just had a gut feeling, a knowing that something was going on.  I felt attached already, just to the hope of what felt true.  After all we've been through, I think I've become scared of making that attachment.  I saw a few positive signs in my body and blamed it on pills.  I didn't listen to my own body because I didn't want to hear nothing, so I couldn't even take the risk of hearing something good.

It's such a hard line to walk right now.  I'm thrilled that I passed yesterday.  It is wonderful that it's high enough it won't be another chemical pregnancy.  I'm scared that it means if things don't go well it's that much further along and will hurt that much more.  The farther we get from the news of yesterday the more I want the next hurdle to appear so I can feel safe again with my fledgling hope.

I have not been sewing this week.  Seeing all the mistakes I made on that nightgown hit home that I really need to stick to basics rather than thinking sewing.  I'll get in there again, I could use some Renfrew t's with something other than the cowl.  But I have actually been enjoying trying crochet in short spurts.  It looks awful, just awful.  My tension is way too tight most of the time - to the point where it's hard to get the hook in.  I think I dropped a few rows somewhere but managed to add them back in (I'm not sure how I did either).  And the thing is, I don't care.  It should look bad, it's my first try.  And unlike my trapezoid scarf that took forever when I was 11 and tried knitting, I'm not frustrated that it took so long to get to a crappy spot.  The acrylic wool I'm using is neon yellow and given to me, I wouldn't make anything good with it anyhow.  It will be an effective dish cloth even if it is a weird shape.  My MIL is a great knitter but I find this funny, she says she doesn't know how to crochet except for one afghan pattern.  Mr. Lina's aunt apparently taught her that pattern so she knows how to that and nothing else.  I'm thinking that I might ask to learn it when we visit at the end of June.  His aunt died from cancer a couple of years ago, it would be nice to keep the pattern as a living memory and I'll learn something beyond the two stitches I've taught myself. 

I find that while we're in Manitoba, my in laws are always concerned that we could be doing something.  I'm happy to just sit and read, play cards with Grandma, sit and talk, particularly at the lake where the view is lovely and peaceful.  Our Manitoba vacations are usually two weeks and a much needed break from "real life", I find doing very little very calming.  But they don't know how to sit still, so it's all about going fishing or getting out on the quad or taking the jet ski out...  If all goes well, I REALLY won't want to do some of those things (starting my 9th week, potential morning sickness, plus beef heart for bait on a boat, seems a recipe for disaster to me).  Maybe asking for knitting or crochet lessons would fill their need for me to do something and let me just rest. 
July 2011
Mr. Lina - sandbagging to reinforce the dike, it was easier to walk the sandbags on the lake side on the dingy.
Last year Manitoba had extensive flooding.  Lake Manitoba is very large and was the feeder for a lot of rivers and creeks, a lot of Saskatchewan snow drains to Lake Manitoba.  The top picture is what the view looked like from their house out to the lake last July.  Beyond the hay bales was a dike, about 10 feet deep or so, it's hard to tell because there was water in it.  This year the lake is high but close to normal levels, the dike has saved the "cabin" (as an Ontarian I'd say cottage) and isn't needed.  I don't know what we'll be doing while we're up there at all.  With the number of outhouses, docks, and dead animals, I saw floating by, I'm not really interested in swimming quite yet.  Lakes can heal themselves but it takes time.  In the bottom picture, you can see that little brown building in the top left corner, that's the outhouse for his uncle and it was surrounded by water.  I'm not sure if they can get a boat to the water, never mind get the dock in.  So, it may be about being social rather than truly active, it's hard to say.  As much as I like helping out shovelling gravel or sandbagging or whatever, I hope I have a good excuse to opt out of the more active activities.   


  1. What's that the Buddhists say, desire is the source of all pain? /sigh. So many things would be easier if we just didn't care. On the other hand, we'd probably never do anything worthwhile.

    Hang in there. And enjoy your crochet! :)

    1. Now there is a thought for the day, desire is the source of all pain.

  2. I think that now of all times you can be excused for doing as little as possible.

    I am sure you in-laws will understand when you are visiting that you need to just be. You could always try explaining that "you" are a human being not a human doing. It could work.

    Take care. Hugs.

    1. Human being vs human doing, I like that. If all is still well they will be incredibly supportive. They just want us to have a good time.

  3. I don't get those "doing all the time" people either. At least they don't get uptight when you don't do chores, right? My family gets really offended when I sit and rest, which aggravates me on a whole other level. I don't come and visit so that I can do your dishes!

    The lake sounds decidedly unwholesome. I would not want to swim in it -- although younger me would have seen that as an unreasonable imposition. It's amazing what we find tolerable in the years before we understand germs!


Thanks for your comments, I love to have a two way conversation. I seem to be getting a lot of spam from anonymous users and am turning off the ability to comment that way. I really would like to hear from you so if you do want to add your two cents without an OpenId, email me at seraphinalina at gmail dot com.