If you build it...

You know one side that gets missed in infertility and pregnancy challenges is men.  Not to knock what I'm going through, I'd be happy to not feel this (which isn't too bad at the moment, very limited cramping yesterday).  But men are generally problem solvers.  Women listen to a friend and let them vent.  We try to relate to their situation, maybe we offer up a few suggestions, but we know that most of what they need is someone to listen.  Men hear a problem and want to solve it.  Mr. Lina has to watch me hurt and there isn't a damn thing he can do to solve it.  From my participation in online infertility boards, women seem to end up frustrated with their husbands because they don't get it.  But at some level, we don't get them either.

Mr. Lina had a little melt down yesterday and he was apologizing to me because he's trying to "be strong" for me so it doesn't add more stress.  The thing is, I'd actually rather see some real feelings if that's what's going on than hide them from me.  He is "fixing" what he can, making my meals, doing some of my laundry (we generally do our own laundry separately because he's afraid of wrecking my clothing and feels it is fair to just do his own), driving me to the clinic.  I see it and I thank him for all of it.  I know I like making him soup when he's sick because it shows my love, this is the same.

In past cycles, most notably our first chemical pregnancy, we experience grief at different rates.  I can't ignore what's going on in my body so my grief is immediate.  About the time I put the pieces together and feel ready to go on, he's a mess.  It was very baffling that first time and led us to finding our therapist.  I'm wondering if with all those past experiences to build on, we're cycling through a little faster and just... different.  Right now, I'm mostly feeling numb.  Not teary or sad, but not happy either, just numb.  It's a bit of a role reversal for him to be teary first.

I've always thought when I was home on mat leave, I'd get my mom to show me how to can tomatoes and tomato sauce and pickles and jam  and applesauce and all the lovely things she makes.  I don't want that knowledge to go away.  I felt similar to knitting or crochet or any of the needle arts really.  I've dabbled and tried lots of things, cross stitch, embroidery, knitting, but really, it always felt like a "mom" thing to me.  Something I would learn when the time came.

Years ago Mr. Lina had a dream of playing "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles to a little baby in a crib.  It's an image he's clung to over the years.  He's put off learning the song because we don't have a baby to sing to.

And this week, I've sat here on the couch watching you tube videos on how to crochet, asked my mom about crochet (turns out she used to do a lot, including a dress) and Mr. Lina started learning "Here Comes the Sun."  Neither of us noticed this until yesterday.  Maybe we shouldn't wait for the baby, maybe if we're ready, the baby will come to us.  Maybe.