This may not be the best time to write, but maybe that's what makes it right. Last night was the year end party for my bowling league. A couple of people know what I'm going through and three in particular knew that it wasn't a good sign that I accepted a rum & coke. A few rum & cokes. And some sparkling wine I took myself. And a couple of shooters. There may have been a single cherry vodka and coke. I may, in fact, still have a blood alcohol level that indicates I should not drive but it's 7am, I went to bed at 3:30 and I can't seem to sleep either. My bladder woke me up and now my mind won't settle.
So let's back things up a bit. I got the news Friday, I posted here, I sent an email to those involved at work and I shut most things down and cried. Mr. Lina and I spent the night together, watching funny movies like Anchor Man and Blues Brothers. I think I had two mixed drinks and he had far more than two. Somewhere around midnight we got the giggly munchies and walked in the light rain to 7-11 for slurpees and hot dogs. It was really silly and it felt right.
I have shed a few tears, but it all still feels a little surreal. Talking to people last night, it was like talking about someone else. After all the cramping of this week, I thought when the prometrium was not there to keep my progesterone levels ridiculously high, the cramping would hit me like a truck. Not so. It's more like the period that just never ends. I guess because I've focused on the physical aspects, the big emotions are still on hold. If I'm true to form, I'll shed a lot of tears about this specifically and it will be replaced by a more general anger. Nothing is fair about this but who is there to be angry at? My uterus? My immune system? I struggle to express anger in general, that's what usually sends me back to my therapist for help.
Facebook can create really cool connections. Maybe two years ago, I realized that a friend from bowling knew a friend from when I worked in aquatics because of birthday wishes on the birthday persons wall. It turned out they played baseball together. Since then, both have divorced and they are now dating. "Aquatics" and I have known each other since I was 11, she was an awesome friend through my teens and early 20's, but once I stopped working in aquatics during my post-grad years and stopped coming home for the summer, it was harder to stay close. Add the fact that her ex husband was not as much fun to hang out with as her, we didn't do foursome things. I think the last time I really saw her would have been soon after we were married, so 7 years ago maybe? We've seen each other in the meantime, but like bumping into each other at the mall where you go over the highlights and move on. It was like a blink of time had passed once I saw her last night. So very good for me to see an old friend that I trust. And I think Bowling is a better match for her, I think they suit each other well. When Bowling told me they were dating, it was kind of funny. He told me about his divorce and his situation with his ex (summed up to not pretty) and I wasn't quite sure where it was going, then he tells me Aquatics is divorcing her husband, it was a pretty round about way of giving me the timing of everything so it was clear he didn't end their marriage. I realized how much I missed Aquatics being in my life. She's worth the effort to see, I'm going to make that effort. Particularly now that she's with Bowling, he's pretty awesome too.
As mentioned, there were very few people in the know last night. All said they were sorry and moved on to other topics because other people were around. My friend Aquatics and I talked about some of my experiences of the past 6 years but again, it's clinical talk not emotional talk. (Side note, she's a nurse and she loves my fertility doctor, she said from her experience with him, I couldn't make a better choice.) No one was looking at me with sympathy or puppy dog eyes, I could just laugh and be happy and have a good time. Pretend for a night that nothing was different. Maybe it's just another pause button of sorts, but life does go on.
Now, to sober up and get some sleep...
Sunday, June 10
8 comments:
Thanks for your comments, I love to have a two way conversation. I seem to be getting a lot of spam from anonymous users and am turning off the ability to comment that way. I really would like to hear from you so if you do want to add your two cents without an OpenId, email me at seraphinalina at gmail dot com.
Subscribe to:
Post Comments (Atom)
If I was you I would likely stay drunk for a week/month/season whatever. Probably better that you don't. 8-D Glad you had a chance to let loose a little (a lot). If memory serves, drink lots of water and eat lots of carbs and feel better soon.
ReplyDeleteMr. Lina is far more likely to hide in a bottle than I am. I hide in activities like reading and sewing. I never did fall back asleep but thick slices of bread with cheese melted for breakfast was very helpful. Go carbs!
DeleteIt sounds like what you needed, so good for you. You're right, it's not fair, and nothing is going to make it right or better, and there's no one to actually get angry at---so, distraction sounds as good to me as any other coping strategy.
ReplyDeleteOf course, I might have the same anger-expressing issues... ;)
As always, hugs.
Anger is harder to express than you would think. My mom doesn't do a great job of placing her anger and when it does come out it is not proportional to the issue at hand because it's all built up. I knew that and try to be more direct at expressing my feelings but anger, still not my strong suit. Particularly where there is nothing to aim it at. My therapist has given me homework of writing an angry letter in the past, nothing anyone needs to read, just a place to put it. Sometimes it helps more than others but I still find it hard to just get to that mental place to find the words.
DeleteI can think of a milion platitudes, but Hallmarking you won't help. Just know i'm sorry- it sucks. it truly does.
ReplyDeleteI have found over the years that sucks is a really good word. I mean, it's not the most harsh word out there but it just fits very well.
DeleteThanks for the thoughts.
Old friends are the best; I love to reconnect with those few where I can just pick up the conversation and it's like we never stopped talking.
ReplyDeleteI hear you on the anger, and I do find that drinking works for me in terms of managing excess emotions (oh dear, that sounds....very bad). I tend to run at high intensity most of the time, so a drink or two takes the edge off enough that I can just feel and be -- rather than reacting and panicking and spiraling downward. I do think that the time spent with your social group and Mr. Lina is probably as therapeutic as anything else, because being with your posse is like balm for the soul.
My college roommate taught me everything I know about anger management (she was going through a bad breakup). 1. Buy a 10 lb sack of potatoes. 2. Go outside and find something (a sign, a tree, something hard) to aim at. 3. Throw potatoes. They tend to break up and make a really satisfying thwack sound.
Wow, potatoes, eh? See in theory, I bowl every week, you'd think chucking bowling balls down the lane would be good. But throwing them in anger typically doesn't make for a good score.
Delete