Old Friends

This may not be the best time to write, but maybe that's what makes it right.  Last night was the year end party for my bowling league.  A couple of people know what I'm going through and three in particular knew that it wasn't a good sign that I accepted a rum & coke.  A few rum  & cokes.  And some sparkling wine I took myself.  And a couple of shooters.  There may have been a single cherry vodka and coke.  I may, in fact, still have a blood alcohol level that indicates I should not drive but it's 7am, I went to bed at 3:30 and I can't seem to sleep either.  My bladder woke me up and now my mind won't settle.

So let's back things up a bit.  I got the news Friday, I posted here, I sent an email to those involved at work and I shut most things down and cried.  Mr. Lina and I spent the night together, watching funny movies like Anchor Man and Blues Brothers.  I think I had two mixed drinks and he had far more than two.  Somewhere around midnight we got the giggly munchies and walked in the light rain to 7-11 for slurpees and hot dogs.  It was really silly and it felt right. 

I have shed a few tears, but it all still feels a little surreal.  Talking to people last night, it was like talking about someone else.  After all the cramping of this week, I thought when the prometrium was not there to keep my progesterone levels ridiculously high, the cramping would hit me like a truck.  Not so.  It's more like the period that just never ends.  I guess because I've focused on the physical aspects, the big emotions are still on hold.  If I'm true to form, I'll shed a lot of tears about this specifically and it will be replaced by a more general anger.  Nothing is fair about this but who is there to be angry at?  My uterus?  My immune system?  I struggle to express anger in general, that's what usually sends me back to my therapist for help.

Facebook can create really cool connections.  Maybe two years ago, I realized that a friend from bowling knew a friend from when I worked in aquatics because of birthday wishes on the birthday persons wall.  It turned out they played baseball together.  Since then, both have divorced and they are now dating.  "Aquatics" and I have known each other since I was 11, she was an awesome friend through my teens and early 20's, but once I stopped working in aquatics during my post-grad years and stopped coming home for the summer, it was harder to stay close.  Add the fact that her ex husband was not as much fun to hang out with as her, we didn't do foursome things.  I think the last time I really saw her would have been soon after we were married, so 7 years ago maybe?  We've seen each other in the meantime, but like bumping into each other at the mall where you go over the highlights and move on.  It was like a blink of time had passed once I saw her last night.  So very good for me to see an old friend that I trust.  And I think Bowling is a better match for her, I think they suit each other well.  When Bowling told me they were dating, it was kind of funny.  He told me about his divorce and his situation with his ex (summed up to not pretty) and I wasn't quite sure where it was going, then he tells me Aquatics is divorcing her husband, it was a pretty round about way of giving me the timing of everything so it was clear he didn't end their marriage.  I realized how much I missed Aquatics being in my life.  She's worth the effort to see, I'm going to make that effort.  Particularly now that she's with Bowling, he's pretty awesome too.

As mentioned, there were very few people in the know last night.  All said they were sorry and moved on to other topics because other people were around.  My friend Aquatics and I talked about some of my experiences of the past 6 years but again, it's clinical talk not emotional talk.  (Side note, she's a nurse and she loves my fertility doctor, she said from her experience with him, I couldn't make a better choice.)  No one was looking at me with sympathy or puppy dog eyes, I could just laugh and be happy and have a good time.  Pretend for a night that nothing was different.  Maybe it's just another pause button of sorts, but life does go on.

Now, to sober up and get some sleep...

So Sad

As much as my analytical mind new this was true, it still sucks to hear.  My HCG levels are 24 now.  It's time to call it a day and stop taking all the hormones that are holding back the miscarriage.

I hate the m word.  I really do.

If you build it...

You know one side that gets missed in infertility and pregnancy challenges is men.  Not to knock what I'm going through, I'd be happy to not feel this (which isn't too bad at the moment, very limited cramping yesterday).  But men are generally problem solvers.  Women listen to a friend and let them vent.  We try to relate to their situation, maybe we offer up a few suggestions, but we know that most of what they need is someone to listen.  Men hear a problem and want to solve it.  Mr. Lina has to watch me hurt and there isn't a damn thing he can do to solve it.  From my participation in online infertility boards, women seem to end up frustrated with their husbands because they don't get it.  But at some level, we don't get them either.

Mr. Lina had a little melt down yesterday and he was apologizing to me because he's trying to "be strong" for me so it doesn't add more stress.  The thing is, I'd actually rather see some real feelings if that's what's going on than hide them from me.  He is "fixing" what he can, making my meals, doing some of my laundry (we generally do our own laundry separately because he's afraid of wrecking my clothing and feels it is fair to just do his own), driving me to the clinic.  I see it and I thank him for all of it.  I know I like making him soup when he's sick because it shows my love, this is the same.

In past cycles, most notably our first chemical pregnancy, we experience grief at different rates.  I can't ignore what's going on in my body so my grief is immediate.  About the time I put the pieces together and feel ready to go on, he's a mess.  It was very baffling that first time and led us to finding our therapist.  I'm wondering if with all those past experiences to build on, we're cycling through a little faster and just... different.  Right now, I'm mostly feeling numb.  Not teary or sad, but not happy either, just numb.  It's a bit of a role reversal for him to be teary first.

I've always thought when I was home on mat leave, I'd get my mom to show me how to can tomatoes and tomato sauce and pickles and jam  and applesauce and all the lovely things she makes.  I don't want that knowledge to go away.  I felt similar to knitting or crochet or any of the needle arts really.  I've dabbled and tried lots of things, cross stitch, embroidery, knitting, but really, it always felt like a "mom" thing to me.  Something I would learn when the time came.

Years ago Mr. Lina had a dream of playing "Here Comes the Sun" by the Beatles to a little baby in a crib.  It's an image he's clung to over the years.  He's put off learning the song because we don't have a baby to sing to.

And this week, I've sat here on the couch watching you tube videos on how to crochet, asked my mom about crochet (turns out she used to do a lot, including a dress) and Mr. Lina started learning "Here Comes the Sun."  Neither of us noticed this until yesterday.  Maybe we shouldn't wait for the baby, maybe if we're ready, the baby will come to us.  Maybe.

Pause Button

The clinic just called with my latest results.  I'm down to 75 now.  They still want me to stay on everything and come back on Friday for another test.  I guess they haven't given up yet.  It feels like a non-answer to me, just hitting the snooze button.

Cramping and bleeding seem to come and go.  The bleeding never stops but it varies from spotting to light bleeding.  I'll go a few hours of cramping and then it stops or at least eases.  Right now I just feel heavy around my uterus.  Not cramping, but I can feel the weight and pressure seems to be the best word.  It's hard to explain.

Mr. Lina stayed home with me today figuring the news wouldn't be good and he would want to leave work.  I will say it's nice being pampered.  He bought some groceries, drove me to the clinic this morning, made my lunch.  I check email, pick at my own work and mentor someone by email/communicator on a project.  So enough accomplished it's not a personal day but I sure don't feel like doing any intense analytics.  The time helping a coworker is better because I have to pretend and he's like a 24 year old puppy dog, all happy and eager to learn and feel included.

So more family complications.  I have spent the last few months pretending my SIL is not pregnant.  Next week my time in fantasy land has to come to an end.  They have decided than rather being alone with the baby and a plane ride away from a hospital she will come home for the birth and stay for the summer.  My brother (Clone) will be here for about 10 days or so and then head back.  Again, I find this all baffling but it makes sense to them and I don't know all the factors in their decision making.  Way back in November, my parents booked a week at their time share in Quebec starting the Saturday after my brother and SIL arrive.  So that leaves one Friday night (the 15th) that we can have a family dinner and "celebrate" -  both my brothers have birthdays in June, plus Father's Day plus Clone and my SIL being home for the first time in 6 months.  I am going a bit ostrich on this at the moment, providing a vague "I think so" to my mom (who doesn't know about the pregnancy drama going on with me, we wanted to save them some of the roller coaster but I think I'm going to crack soon) but Mr. Lina is not so interested in going.  It's hard to say what is emotions of the moment and what is real.  I'll stick my head in the sand a little longer.

Not so good

I wish I had some encouraging news today.  I won't be in for tests until tomorrow, but the cramps are coming back.  I woke up to some red blood, and I've felt okay this morning but since about noon or so the cramps have been slowly building and getting rather painful.  Not a good sign when I am not even coming up to the next dose of prometrium. 

I feel kind of numb and okay with this.  You all know how much I want this to work, but I also know how much worse the pain (both emotionally and physically) is as it drags out.  I feel a bit fatalistic.  This will be what it will be and I'm not saying I'm happy but I can't control it either.  The analytical side of my brain knows all the facts and is well aware of what's going on while we still rub my belly good morning and good night and talk about what the baby likes (ice cream) and what the baby did not like (flavoured tuna).  We also tell it to study hard for each test.

My employers are being really supportive.  I'm working from home today and tomorrow, we'll take things day by day.  With the cramps increasing, I will be less productive this afternoon but at least this isn't another personal day.  I'm only suppose to have 7 in a year, pretty sure I'm over that now and it's not even midway through the year. 

So while I sit and let myself be pampered, I have been picking away at crochet.  I decided my first four edged project (to call it a rectangle is an insult to all straight edges out there) was big enough to be a functional dish cloth so I tied that off.  It is warped and horrible with dropped stitches galore, but I kinda like it for that. 

I started a second "rectangle of learning".  It starts with a bit of single crochet and then some half-double crochet and double crochet.  I think I'm catching onto the pattern of the stitches although I still look ahead at the actual pattern pictures and don't get it.  I must say it passes time and while I do need to pay attention to what I'm doing, it lets me get into a zone of not thinking about other things.  I took a picture but I don't know where the little card reader is so it's going to have to wait until Mr. Lina is home.

Also, have any of you read Pride and Prejudice?  I'm oh.. more than half way through (Mr. Darcy just got shot down by Elizabeth, I wouldn't have seen that proposal coming either) and enjoying it so far.  I think I'd like to see one of the movie adaptations once I have finished it.  I have to say it's been a while since I read something that had older English.  I used to be more game for stuff like this but half the time I'm reading because I'm tired and want to zone out rather than pick apart the nuances of older language structure. 

Results are back

My HCG levels have dropped, but not so low that it's not worth fighting for.  It went down to 138, the nurse said if it was half that would be a much worse sign, this still has hope.

So now we're going to up my prometrium to 2 pills 4 times a day.  These are the pills that make me sleepy and vaguely drunk like.  I'm not sure how I'm going to function on 4 times a day but I sure as hell am not going to argue about it.

I'm going back on Wednesday morning to retest and see how my levels are doing. 

On the bright side, I've had a nap since I last posted, the cramping has stopped and bleeding is down.  It's there when I wipe but it's not heavy enough to leave spots on my pad. 

The saga continues

I don't even know what to title these posts.  I'm not going to hold back much so this may be TMI or upsetting, read at your own risk.  Thank you all for the comments, I have read them and they mean so much to me. 

The spotting turned into light bleeding but never got to heavy bleeding or lots of clots.  The cramping was uncomfortable and Advil worthy, but not as painful as the worst cramps I've experienced on a normal cycle.  I had a hard time falling asleep, my mind just rolls around about all of this, but I think I fell asleep around midnight, woke up again around 1:30 and the cramps were gone.  Slept again until a bit past 4, still no cramps but I did have to pee and I was hungry.  Again, some blood, but it was thin and not too bad for 5 hours.  Fell asleep again around 5.  All in all, a pretty restless sleep.

The cramps came back around 8:30 or so this morning.  Bleeding is light and turning brown rather than the bright red of yesterday.  I'm starting to find the cramps are coming and going now so maybe things will settle. 

I went to the clinic this morning, I did have the 9:30 appointment for intralipids.  They sometimes go ahead with intralipids because bleeding isn't completely abnormal in early pregnancy.  In calling my doctor, the decision was to do blood work today to see what my HCG and hormone levels are at and reschedule intralipids for either Tuesday or Thursday if the results suggest continuing.  My HCG levels went from 111 to 182 on Saturday.  So that isn't quite doubling at 1.64, but it is normal to double within 72 hours and it would have doubled by then.

So for now, my orders are to rest.  And wait, and hope.  

Roller coaster

Remember when I called this a roller coaster?  Well, we're in for a ride.  I am spotting and cramping. Not good at all.  Music was good but I really don't remember the second set because the cramping started.  We will see what tomorrow brings.

Still in the game

The clinic phoned late yesterday afternoon and I missed the call somehow, so I am a little light on details. I know my levels are rising, they will be calling with my 6 week ultrasound appointment next.  They must feel it is rising enough not to retest tomorrow.   I will be in for intralipids tomorrow so I hope to coax the number from the nurse.

Now I'm off to a house concert that is not in my house.  It is a great weekend.

So far so good

http://www.slrsportequip.com/products/athletics-archery/hurdles/h7-schools-practice-hurdle/

I think that about sums up where we are.  Very happy about crossing that first hurdle with a promising number but trying not to get too excited.  Thank you all for your comments and support, it really does mean a lot to me.

Attachment is a huge word in adoption.  We all have Disney-fied visions of adoption as a happy story, but a whole lot of crap went on in that young life prior to the adoption.  Adults are suppose to care for little ones and someone did not take care of them.  It is likely that many people did not.  People came and people went in their little lives.  That's hard on a little heart just like my heart is pretty battered from all of my past hopes.  The first time I was really talking about adoption with a friend of mine who works for Children's Aid in another region, she said attachment was everything.  If it was there, families could be mended, without it everything was so much harder.  Because I've always wanted to be a mom, and I have a great mom, I didn't understand how precious attachment is.  Over time, reading other peoples journeys, I'm starting to get it. 

Yesterday, part of my problem is that I didn't know what to expect.  With a lot of the past tests, I've just had a gut feeling, a knowing that something was going on.  I felt attached already, just to the hope of what felt true.  After all we've been through, I think I've become scared of making that attachment.  I saw a few positive signs in my body and blamed it on pills.  I didn't listen to my own body because I didn't want to hear nothing, so I couldn't even take the risk of hearing something good.

It's such a hard line to walk right now.  I'm thrilled that I passed yesterday.  It is wonderful that it's high enough it won't be another chemical pregnancy.  I'm scared that it means if things don't go well it's that much further along and will hurt that much more.  The farther we get from the news of yesterday the more I want the next hurdle to appear so I can feel safe again with my fledgling hope.

I have not been sewing this week.  Seeing all the mistakes I made on that nightgown hit home that I really need to stick to basics rather than thinking sewing.  I'll get in there again, I could use some Renfrew t's with something other than the cowl.  But I have actually been enjoying trying crochet in short spurts.  It looks awful, just awful.  My tension is way too tight most of the time - to the point where it's hard to get the hook in.  I think I dropped a few rows somewhere but managed to add them back in (I'm not sure how I did either).  And the thing is, I don't care.  It should look bad, it's my first try.  And unlike my trapezoid scarf that took forever when I was 11 and tried knitting, I'm not frustrated that it took so long to get to a crappy spot.  The acrylic wool I'm using is neon yellow and given to me, I wouldn't make anything good with it anyhow.  It will be an effective dish cloth even if it is a weird shape.  My MIL is a great knitter but I find this funny, she says she doesn't know how to crochet except for one afghan pattern.  Mr. Lina's aunt apparently taught her that pattern so she knows how to that and nothing else.  I'm thinking that I might ask to learn it when we visit at the end of June.  His aunt died from cancer a couple of years ago, it would be nice to keep the pattern as a living memory and I'll learn something beyond the two stitches I've taught myself. 

I find that while we're in Manitoba, my in laws are always concerned that we could be doing something.  I'm happy to just sit and read, play cards with Grandma, sit and talk, particularly at the lake where the view is lovely and peaceful.  Our Manitoba vacations are usually two weeks and a much needed break from "real life", I find doing very little very calming.  But they don't know how to sit still, so it's all about going fishing or getting out on the quad or taking the jet ski out...  If all goes well, I REALLY won't want to do some of those things (starting my 9th week, potential morning sickness, plus beef heart for bait on a boat, seems a recipe for disaster to me).  Maybe asking for knitting or crochet lessons would fill their need for me to do something and let me just rest. 

July 2011

Mr. Lina - sandbagging to reinforce the dike, it was easier to walk the sandbags on the lake side on the dingy.

Last year Manitoba had extensive flooding.  Lake Manitoba is very large and was the feeder for a lot of rivers and creeks, a lot of Saskatchewan snow drains to Lake Manitoba.  The top picture is what the view looked like from their house out to the lake last July.  Beyond the hay bales was a dike, about 10 feet deep or so, it's hard to tell because there was water in it.  This year the lake is high but close to normal levels, the dike has saved the "cabin" (as an Ontarian I'd say cottage) and isn't needed.  I don't know what we'll be doing while we're up there at all.  With the number of outhouses, docks, and dead animals, I saw floating by, I'm not really interested in swimming quite yet.  Lakes can heal themselves but it takes time.  In the bottom picture, you can see that little brown building in the top left corner, that's the outhouse for his uncle and it was surrounded by water.  I'm not sure if they can get a boat to the water, never mind get the dock in.  So, it may be about being social rather than truly active, it's hard to say.  As much as I like helping out shovelling gravel or sandbagging or whatever, I hope I have a good excuse to opt out of the more active activities.