Tuesday, July 17

Short Series of Time

This directionless restless feeling is still there but I think I'm getting through it.  If you think of life as a series of short stages, I think when I look back I'll see the vacation as the start of a new chunk of time.  This is going to be a bit rambly, but there is a point.  So what has been going on?
  • We went to see my doctor for our review appointment for pregnancy #7 (I still don't like the M word).  I found myself reassuring him.  He has done what he sees as the best options for us over and over and we still are not successful.  His frustration is abundantly apparent.  So I found myself using my own lines to him, that it's okay, this is just the path we're on and I still trust him.  He can't be in my uterus making it happen, his best is good enough for me.  In talking to my manager about this yesterday, I really felt the truth of that.  Infertility is just part of who I am now, like my weird food allergies and the fact that I'm short, all of these experiences are making me into who I will be and I accept that aspect of it.  He is going to a conference in early September, immunological issues in fertility is part of that so he wants to see us Sept 14th prior to starting on our last cycle (and I did say I'm done after that) in case something new comes out of it. 
  • Initially, I didn't like this, I don't want more time to waste away.  Mr. Lina was the one to specifically ask if we should wait, but as I think about it, it is a good thing.  Summer can go on as planned, my period still has not appeared and I'm not really sure what to count as Day 1 after all the prometrium to put off bleeding.  June 3rd?  June 8th?  Either way, we're at about 35-40 days now for this cycle which is not unusual for me but I have a feeling this is going to be a long annovulatory cycle.  Sept 14th is 53 days away.  It would be missing one cycle, maybe two if I ovulate next cycle and it's short (for me).  It doesn't sound so long looking at it that way. 
  • I think the clutter is really paralyzing me from doing things at home.  I like a little clutter, but it is an overwhelming amount of crap we've let accumulate around the house.  This is what happens when we don't entertain, there isn't someone else to clean up for.
  • Mr. Lina is in movie mode.  They will be filming another short film in August so there are many meetings and planning sessions going on.  The Post-Lifers has got into a few more film festivals.  Mississauga International Film Festival will be hosting them on July 29th so we'll be going to that.  Finally something that is somewhat local for our friends and family.
  • Weight.  I did not put on as much weight as I often do in Manitoba (I have nicknamed it "the land of a pound a day" for a reason), but about 4 pounds did return with me and I wasn't happy with the number on the scale prior to Manitoba.  They need to come off before they become permanent. 
  • On the job front for Mr. Lina, things are still unsettled but he seems less sad about it.  Just in case he is laid off, he brought home his personal books and things.  His manager (a friend prior to working together) has found another job so it's one less person to worry about.  Mr. Lina found out that someone senior was asked for input on essential staff and Mr. Lina was included as essential, so assuming they listen to him things should be okay.  As mentioned, it is less the financial side of a possible layoff, it's the sadness of leaving a place he wants to work at and uncertainty that is causing problems at the moment. 
  • I was happy at work yesterday.  That sounds so simple, but it's been such a struggle to feel that way.  I had things to do but not so much that I was overwhelmed.  I had people asking my opinion about their projects and asking for help to learn software that is new to them.  I left on time.  It was a good day.
  • I have made a little progress on the blanket I'm crocheting, I think I have about 10-14 rows left.  So far, I'm happy enough to give it as a gift  I also worked up the courage to ask my mom if Clone and my SIL know the gender of the baby and it seems like it might be a girl but they aren't sure.  So I guess I'll be sticking to neutral colours.  Makes sense for a first baby anyhow.  I have to purchase the yarn for the boarder unless I just do it all mint green.  The boarder is in two pieces, a bit of double crochet and then a ruffly shell, so I could do the double crochet in white or yellow to break it up and then the ruffly bit in the same mint green. 
  • I had all day Sunday and last night to myself.  I did not sew, I thought about sewing.  I went in my sewing room, and every time I walked back out.  I don't know why really, but it just wasn't where I wanted to be.
This doesn't seem related to my thoughts on short series, but it is.  From now until (at the earliest) September, I won't be doing infertility treatments.  No additional appointments or medication outside of the usual metformin, baby aspirin and prenatal vitamins.  Mr. Lina is making mental headway on adoption so even on that front, I'm feeling pretty good.  As much as pregnancy #7 did not end the way we wanted it to, I'm okay with it and I feel mentally better (not perfect, just better) than I did in the fall or winter.  If I think of it as wasted time, I will end up sliding back. 

I think I need to figure out what this short span of time IS going to be about and own that.  There are things planned - going to a friends cottage, the movie shoot, Summerfolk, my birthday, guests from Manitoba, becoming an aunt, house concerts start up again in September....  no lack of things going on, but it still comes down to me seeing it as time well spent.

9 comments:

  1. It sounds like you are managing, and that's good. September is dizzyingly, terrifyingly close, trust me ;). I think, regardless of the outcome, pregnancy #7 was something you had to do, even if it's only as a part of closing that segment of your life. Completing that journey, as it were.

    Good luck---it sounds like you will have a busy summer, anyway. :)

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    1. Summers always seemed longer as kids, didn't they?

      You have phrased that just perfectly, it's so true. These last FETs are just something I need to do to be comfortable with a closed door.

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  2. I think you're making a lot of personal progress and I admire your search for clarity and meaning. So many people allow themselves to get caught up in the things on the go so they don't consider what matters. This is really valuable work that will stand you in good stead for the rest of your life, I'm sure.

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    1. As I reread and adjusted my post, I wasn't sure that what was rolling around in my head was coming out clearly, but your comment tells me it did. Thanks for your two cents.

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  3. Here's another way you and I are alike (really, I'm about to ask my mother if she had another kid at some point), because I feel so much better if I have a clear PLAN, even if I'm not always happy about all the details of the plan itself. You have a path going forward and some small goals to keep you busy in the meantime, and that's a very positive way to frame this period of time. I think it's great that you're looking on it as an opportunity to reflect and allow your body to adjust to its current reality.

    I might have to go back to crochet or embroidery since I won't be able to sew for a while and I don't know what I'm going to DO....sigh.... Too bad nobody I know is having a baby!

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    1. Heh... Yeah, we do have an awful lot in common.

      I read your reply here then went to your blog, oh boy. I can see why you won't be sewing but will want to keep your hands busy. What about more household-y kind of projects, like dish cloths or soap bags etc. Smaller things that won't be too hot on your lap and you'll be done when you're ready to go back to sewing? I haven't done any of these but I was just looking over http://www.crochetpatterncentral.com/directory.php and there are an awful lot of non-blanket things in there.

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  4. I am so relieved to hear you sounding so stable (don't know if that is the right word, but anyway). I don't know what else to say. Take care and get rid of those four pounds, that is from the perspective of someone following Weight Watchers, btw. 8-D

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    1. Stable isn't a bad work actually. I have often thought of how much easier it would be to just not put those pounds on in the first place. Which reminds me, I haven't been to your other blog in a while...

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Thanks for your comments, I love to have a two way conversation. I seem to be getting a lot of spam from anonymous users and am turning off the ability to comment that way. I really would like to hear from you so if you do want to add your two cents without an OpenId, email me at seraphinalina at gmail dot com.