Not Dead Yet

Did I drop off the face of the earth or what?

It's been a crazy summer here.  I barely had time to visit the washroom alone never mind blog.  For the sake of privacy for the girls, this is probably going to be pretty vague.

So my girls, let me start there.  They are sisters, the older is 12 and the younger will be 5 at the end of November.  Think about that, what makes a 4 year old happy is miserably boring to the 12 year old.  Things the 12 year old want to do are either too mature in content or a disaster for a 4 year old (do they have to pack quite so many shiny things into Ardenes?).  They have been in care for almost 3 years.  I am Mom #4 to them.  It is amazing when I look back at posts I made as I was dealing with infertility and moving onto preparing myself for adoption through Children's Aid that I was right about so much.  And yet I still had no idea.

The older girl, Clover, she is stunningly beautiful, distant and chatty all in one.  She's got emotional walls that would make Helm's Deep look like cardboard.  She is a world of contradictions, pie is too sweet but a bag of skittles is okay.  Wants to be a vegetarian but eats bacon and pepperettes faster than Mr. Lina.  Her room will be strewn with clothing but every bit of Hunger Games is carefully placed in a shrine.  She has the teen age "I don't know" down to an art form.  She wants this family to work so much it makes my heart burst sometimes.  I see the fear around the edges when her sister is acting up, the "don't fuck this up for both of us" is strong.

The younger girl, Spunk, has two speeds, run and crash, and yet she has limited endurance and no skills to rest.  I have never met a child so easy to engage with, and that's half the problem.  Last week a neighbour had a new roof put on and she was treating these absolute strangers like family friends.  You do not want to tickle a roofer's armpits at the end of the day.  She is absolutely delightful and yet so full of rage, she doesn't know what to do with it.  I don't have the language or emotional IQ to discuss the abandonment and confusion she's feeling, she sure doesn't so it comes out in absolute melt downs.  She is exhausting.  There is caring that she should have experienced as an infant that she missed, so our almost constant play is some variation of baby.  Baby bird, baby puppy, baby kitten, etc. etc. etc., baby unicorn usually has a broken leg because Clover sprained her foot this summer and keeps reinjuring it.  The first time is cute and fun, but 3 months of baby play is exhausting.  You don't know how happy I was for a change when we played "salon" last week.

Most weeks, I have 1-2 therapy sessions (either for me alone, us together or Clover sees a different therapist on her own, one day I'll get the invite to join) and at least one social worker dropping by.  Really I have a team of 6 between social workers and therapists to lean on.  School starting is the best thing ever.  There is morning routine, I have two hours to myself (Spunk isn't ready for a full day just yet).  That's two hours to actually SEE a therapist without the added stress of coverage for the girls (keep in mind I have to keep their world small so they only know so many people), time to get groceries, chuck dinner in the slow cooker as dinner is the time most likely to have melt downs, I don't know,  have a bath, pee, call my parents.  School is wonderful.

We've seen so much change in Spunk.  In June, she didn't know where her arms and legs were, I thought she was going to die on the school playground, she really did fall off it.  Now, she has the upper body strength to do monkey bars.  She does it so much she's got a callus building on her palm.  She referred to us as mom and dad quickly, but not the way most kids mean it.  I was "the mom in the purple shirt", or she would ask me where my dad was meaning Mr. Lina.  In her mind, every house has a mom and dad, we were just the mom and dad here.  But now she will say things like "you are MY mom" and we make a big deal about the "ownership" of relationships.  She tries to repair with us when she screws up, this isn't something she's done with other care givers.  She will apologize unprompted and repeatedly.  Sometimes 3 days after she's hurt us she will ask if it still hurts and could she kiss it better again. 

Clover called Mr. Lina dad for the first time last night.  For a girl with thick walls and the ability to be stoic in any situation, letting that slip is incredible.  The changes in Spunk are measurable as she gains coordination, learns new skills (like rhyming), changes her behaviour.  In Clover, it's harder, she's incredibly independent.  A change for her is asking me to put nail polish on her last night.  She's learning to lean on us, to ask.

From a legal perspective, they are now available for adoption.  I don't really know what the time lines look like for lawyers and judges to do that.  I am not worried, it will happen when it's the right time.  The girls are just learning now we are sticking this out.  It's okay to have a little more time to prove that to them before Clover signs the papers that we are the parents she wants.

A little more detail

What a whirlwind.

Friday we were going to meet with our adoption worker and the girls (sisters, 12 and 4) social worker.  A chance to ask some questions, fill in some of the gaps in the inch of paper we had on them.  As much as we knew every dentist appointment, sometimes that level of detail leaves things out.

It was going to be maybe an hour or so of chit chat.  It turned into a 2+ hour meeting.

At one point the social workers said they would give us some time to think and discuss what we had learned that day and come to a decision if we wanted to go ahead, take a few days to talk.

Mr. Lina looked at me and said, I don't need more time, do you?

And nothing in that meeting made me change my mind.  Of anything, hearing about some of my concerns in context, my level of empathy increased.

Sure, they are going to be hard to parent.  Really hard.

But I can't stop smiling and giggling when I think of the  younger sister throwing daily temper tantrums.  It's going to happen.  I'm taking her away from the great foster mother she sees as "Mom".  I don't have the words to explain how terrified and happy I am right now, how can I expect a 4 year old to express the emotional mud she's feeling?  Of course it's going to come out as temper tantrums and battles for control over inconsequential things.  It's going to take some time and effort for her to see us as the people who will keep her safe.  But I can be stubborn too.

So we said yes.  Yes, please.  Let's do this.

And the social workers put on their poker face and left the room to discuss and apparently did a happy dance the minute they got into their office.

We're going to meet them this coming weekend.  The girls don't know yet, more notice isn't always a good thing.  They will need a lot of processing time, but a week of thinking about it prior to meeting us is just too much time for their imagination to make it even scarier than it is (and it's plenty scary).  We've put together a book about us to facilitate conversations with their social worker and their foster family.

I'm still full of a lot of unknowns.  I don't know when they will be officially placed with us (we're discussing that as a group tomorrow), I don't know their favourite colours or food, I don't know exactly when we'll meet them or how this transition is going to go.  I don't know what we are doing for parental leave but we both want time off to focus on making those connections.

I DO know the puzzle pieces of my family are falling into place.

Found 'em

So...  I might have found my kids.

We might have kids before July.

My heart is exploding and I can't sit still.

Many, many, many things will be happening over the next 6 weeks.

• Assembling a book about us to "sell" us to the kids
• Visits with the kids in their current home
• A weekend respite visit for their current foster family
• Our last training session
• Meetings with their therapist
• Hearing the results of psychological assessments that have recently been completed
• A whole lot of child bedroom furniture being assembled (keep in mind, we're starting from scratch not knowing how old the kids would be)

It all feels so right and terrifying at the same time.

I'm going to be a mom.

I'm going to have daughters.

I don't have the words, I really don't.

Let the summer begin!

I can't believe it's already May and a Canadian long weekend is here.  I'm still not used to writing 2015 yet (which is not helped that the software I use has been the "December 2014" version until a week ago).  We are off camping this weekend, our May long tradition.  The weather should be pretty good for May camping - today being the coldest day with a high of 18C and overnight low of 8C.  A chance of showers here and there but not a whole weekend of rain.  I can deal with that.

May has had some lovely weather.  It's well earned after that ever lasting winter.  This picture is from a week ago, all those trees have filled out since then  We put up a Manitoba flag in the back yard.  The previous owners had a short flag pole on the deck and it's made it feel a little more like ours.  We've been eating outside pretty much every night, admittedly sometimes with a little lap blanket as the temperatures are still cool in the evening.

This may be a bit of TMI, but anyone left reading after all the infertility crap should be used to that.

I never had a regular cycle and it became abundantly clear in all that treatment that I don't ovulate regularly.  So life without fertility treatments and hormones is the new "normal" for me.  Generally, it's pretty awesome not to have to worry about my period for weeks on end, but I'm sort of seeing the down side too.  When I do get my period, I am getting a pretty bad case of PMS, something I'm not really used to.  Two weeks out my breasts get heavy and sore.  Two freaking weeks.  And as those two weeks go by, my mood gets worse.  More apathetic, more likely to tear up at stupid things, less productive.  If I don't want to make dinner, sew or buy groceries, you can imagine how inclined I am to go to work.  And all this was at it's worst on Mother's Day - like one of the top 3 triggers for sadness and negative thoughts.

It is lovely to feel like myself again.

Fan-freaking-tastic.

Things are moving along on the adoption front.  We have an assigned worker and have a date in June to meet the whole team.  That isn't holding them back from presenting kids to us.  I can't talk about the kids, and I am not saying these are the ones, but we're at the point of making some pretty big and scary decisions.  It's pretty cool.

So now that I'm "ME" again, maybe after camping I can finish up the silk noil Hollyburn I cut out.

Barriers to Blogging

I used to sometimes hear blog posts in my head.  I'd be thinking about something and it would turn into a conversation of sorts.  They were words I needed to get out of my head so I could move on to other thoughts maybe.  It really was the push to blog at times I probably shouldn't.

It doesn't seem to happen much lately.  Maybe because I'm happy.  Sounds strange but I think most songs are about something sad or challenging.  When we're struggling, we often have more things to say, more feelings to sort out.

That said, I am sewing.  It's wonderful to have new clothing to wear.  You know a few days I wore entirely me-made outfits last week?  Having two pairs of self made pants is certainly extending my wardrobe.  And last week I made a denim Hollyburn skirt.

I should be eager to blog about all of them but man I suck at taking pictures.  I was frantically hemming the skirt on Saturday so I could wear it to my nephews first birthday party (CRAZY, they can't possibly be one already).  First birthday, you'd think I'd have a picture or two of me in my self made brand spanking new skirt.

Nope.  I know pictures were taken of me but go figure, all the ones I have seen are of my nephew.  I mean really, there was a new skirt to show off, someone should have taken a picture of it (we need a sarcasm font or something).  I should have asked Mr. Lina to capture the skirt in all it's non-shiny denim newness but I didn't.

And then I washed it and wore it to work on Monday.  Granted, I left at 7:30am when Mr. Lina was in the shower and I got home at 7:30pm because I have limited time management skills, but in theory I could have taken outdoor pictures yesterday.  Spring HAS arrived (although I'm still skeptical it is here to stay).  But no, I decided having dinner and buying groceries was more important.

Oh and how is this for weird?  I was at a client this afternoon that happens to be near a Fabricland.  The car went on autopilot and the next thing I knew I was parked right in front of it.  Strange.  But stranger still, I didn't buy much.  I actually reminded myself I have fabric and home and bought things like interfacing, lining, and a little piece of fabric with grippies on it so I can make my hand knit slippers last a little longer (I swear my feet eat through yarn).  Nothing even to show off.  Every time I touched something I was reminded of some other piece of cotton sateen or poly-knit in my fabric stash.

I like making patterns twice.  You figure out what works and doesn't.  Let me tell you Hollyburn runs long on me.  The "above the knee" but not short (view B) is below my knee AFTER I cut the length for size 0 and then cut an additional 3" off the bottom.  I will sew it again but it will be cut 4" shorter (to be above my knee) and from a softer fabric.  I do like my light weight denim version (fabric purchased from Len's Mill denim ends, it's so dark it's almost black) but it the denim has enough body to float away from me.  My mom said I looked "youthful".  When I mentioned being ready for the sock hop Mr. Lina agreed.  I have some black linen in my stash, just washed it for a second or third time last week.  That could be nice for summer and while it won't drape like a chiffon, it will fall down instead of out.

Trips & Travels & Pants

It's been quite the month.  Mr. Lina and I were off to Germany and Austria for a little film fest and vacation.  It's the third year in a row that Mr. Lina had a film accepted into the same Landshut film festival.  Every time we meet people in the film industry and reinforce friendships.  I swear, my Facebook page is half German now.  If I knew in 2012 that I'd be back to Germany 3 times, I would have taken a conversational German class.  As it is, we are getting pretty good at "menu-German".

Opening night, cloned skirt made in February.  Black photographs so well.

Did I mention I dyed my hair?  Wearing Renfew top with cowl.

Again, it was a good festival and his film "Oh Come All Ye Zombies" was well received.  It won it's block of films and came in second for audience favourite by a very narrow margin.  Year after year, their programming is just phenomenal.  He's up against some amazing films and we aren't exactly stacking the audience with cast members.

Mr. Lina at the film fest!

Same Renfrew as above at BMW.

Landshut is such a pretty little town.  Even going three times, we still got to see some new things.  The festival arranged a tour of the BMW component factory for us.  They don't hold back on the tour, I got to see engine blocks being poured and carbon fibre bumpers being made.  The also added a film maker breakfast, weistwurst (white sausage), bretzel (big soft pretzel) & beer, a traditional Bavarian breakfast.

That's a radler - beer (lager) and lemonade of some sort, very refreshing.  Pretty sure I have self-made pants you can't see.

We decided after the film fest we'd go somewhere new for a few days.  Vienna, Austria ended up being the winner, it's close enough to be cheap and yet still new to us.  I liked Vienna, it's very beautiful, compact and walkable.  We rented a one bedroom flat through AirBnB.  It was great, we could make breakfast at the flat, if we at a big lunch and just wanted nibblies for dinner, we could do that.  After being in a tiny hotel room in Landshut, it was nice to have a little more space.

Long day of walking, corduroy pencil skirt I made last year.

 The first full day we walked a crazy amount.  Through the old part of Vienna, over to the amusement park, went for a ride in their rather famous Ferris Wheel and Mr. Lina decided we should have lunch at the Donauturm on the Danube, sort of like their version of the CN Tower).  We didn't quite realize how far away it was and ended up walking 20 km that day alone.  Above I still had a few kilometers to walk to get to the flat and I needed to just sit for a bit.  Thank heavens those shoes are comfortable!

Did I mention it was windy at the top of the Ferris Wheel?

We did a day trip to Saltzburg.  It was pretty overcast and damp that day so I can't say I got the best impression.  We walked up to the castle that overlooks the town.  This is the area that The Sound of Music was filmed in.  It wasn't until we were taking the train back to Munich for our flight home that I really saw the alps clearly.

Walking to the castle in Saltzburg, never been so happy to be at the top.

Oh right, this is a sewing blog isn't it?  And I mentioned pants!  

Thurlow Trousers, lunch at the Rathaus in Vienna.

Yep, I made pants.  Since February I have made a black skirt and 3 pairs of Thurlow trousers.  The first were a wearable muslin where I figured out that the leg is just too wide for me.  I'm drowning in them as drafted.  Above I'm wearing the second pair, black twill that is shiny on one side that I put to the inside of the pants.  It means they slide nicely on my skin when I'm walking (which led to me being unable to sit still after too much beer and coffee).  This pair is a bit loose in the waist, but that makes them perfect for travelling and great for bowling.  I have full range of motion but feel put together.  I actually wore that exact outfit to work yesterday now that I look at it.

I made a third pair in grey, it's got some stretch and pile to it, but it's not quite corduroy.  After this pair being a little big, I trimmed them down further but I had such a problem getting the bum right.  Oddly enough I'm not quite as happy with them as the second pair.  I've also got a little post-vacation weight on me so I'm hoping some of that sorts out the fit.  I did wear them on vacation but the days I wore them Mr. Lina only seemed to take pictures from the waist up.  Perhaps he isn't as keen either.

On the adoption front, we're one meeting and an evening training session away from being "Adopt Ready".  I thought the meeting was going to happen today, but our social worker isn't quite ready for us to sign off on it.  He has reviewed our home study with his supervisor and I gather they are really eager to have all the i's dotted and t's crossed and working with an adoption worker to place kids with us.  So soon.  Soon.

Amusing Moments in Unpacking

When I packed up my sewing room, I was surprised to see really how many patterns I have.  Now I am a tracer so some of the patterns take up more space than you'd think with the additional paper, but they were all in one very full medium sized box clearly marked "Patterns".

Striking while the iron was hot (and the fabric was new), I wanted to sew one of the two fabrics I had planned for a skirt.  Easy enough project as I have skirt patterns that fit me already, a good project to get back into the swing of things with.

Of course that means finding the box of patterns.  I looked in my sewing room closet.  I looked at the boxes in the shelf.  I looked in the boxes in the basement that have not been unpacked.  I asked Mr. Lina.  We both agreed we had seen the box, yet neither could remember where.

I gave up.  I have a black skirt that is short without being indecent, perfect for a date night and it's a knit.  Exactly what I wanted for the "snake skin" knit, but now with the additional work of copying the existing skirt and figuring out the construction.  So a little more time than taking the pencil skirt pattern I already love but at this rate, faster than finding the box of patterns.

The skirt I was cloning is done in 4 pieces, a curved 2" waist band in two pieces (4 if you include the facing), and a side zip.  The front and back centre seams are straight so I didn't bother, I cut on the fold.  I did not notice that the front and back waist bands are not identical so my first waist band was too short by maybe 3" because I only traced the short front band.  Oops.  My fault for not walking the seams.  I did have enough fabric to cut a second waist band so it wasn't the end of the world.  I might turn the short waist band into a belt with the hardware  and a little elastic making up for the gap.

At which point I found my box of patterns.  On the shelf where it should be.  Closest to the door, just below eye level, so not even obscured by the desk or too high/low to see properly.  The one side of the box that did not say patterns was facing out.

Sigh.

On the plus side, outside of hemming and fixing a little tugging on the side zipper, I have a new skirt and a pattern for a knit skirt that fits quite well if I do say so myself.  Pictures to come when it's hemmed and the zipper is fixed.

Welcome to February

Where on earth did January go?  I swear I blinked and weeks had passed.

On the sewing front, I'm getting there.  I finally found my iron last week but I still haven't found my large self healing mat.  The little one, but not the big one.  The little mat is maybe helpful for a bra and that's about it and I'm not quite organized enough for making a bra.

I am, however, vaguely organized to sew a rectangle.  Large rectangles.  Like curtains.

They aren't quite finished.  I wasn't sure how well they would block out the sun and they were needed sooner rather than later because the blinds are useless.  Completely useless.  Not only are they ineffective at blocking sun, they provide no privacy.  Something I realized coming home from bowling when Mr. Lina had the light on in the bedroom and I could see everything from the street.  Not just the shape of my furniture, but the details too.  No wonder the neighbours are so friendly.  I put up a sheet that night, bought this fabric on the weekend, cut and turned the edges and we hung them up.  As it turns out, I do need a fairly heavy lining to block out the sun so I'm glad I waited rather than cheaping out assuming the fabric was heavy enough.

Mr. Lina also has me sewing rectangles for a green screen.  I'm less enthused by that as the fabric with the right shade of green is also rubber backed and freakishly heavy.  It looks like it was sewn by drunk monkeys because it's hard to pull the fabric in 9' panels evenly.  I refuse to sew more until he supports the fabric on the side.  It's just embarrassing how crooked it is.

Things are moving pretty quickly on the home study/adoption front.  Our adoption worker is such a good fit for us.  We share similar interests in folk music, he plays guitar, he's really made Mr. Lina feel comfortable.  We've had one meet & greet and our first visit (of 4-5) for the home study.  It's pretty intense, there aren't many skeletons left in our closets.  An hour and a half of talking (each, separately) about our childhood.  And it's not just what I say but how I say it.  Like he commented on how I talk about my dad, it's like I'm defending him when no one is attacking him.  I didn't realize I felt that way, like I needed to justify everything.  So strange.  That interview rattled around my head for a few days.  Still does I suppose.  We were scheduled to have our second meeting today but he is sick, so it's going to be next week.

Oh and we went to Montreal for a wedding.  Who gets married in Montreal in January when most of your family are in Manitoba?  Not the best time of year for travelling.  BUT, it was in the Plateau area, I bought 3 pieces of fabric without it being a hassle at all, and I'm so happy for the couple.  They really are well suited and just crazy enough for the other.  It was a wonderfully casual wedding with cocktail dresses for a dress code.

Emery board for scale, really they are all black/grey.

The fabric on the left is black and the light is accentuating the snake skin print, it s quite subtle in person (being black on black).  It's a knit, fairly stable but my plan is a skirt so just enough stretch for movement and comfort.  Actually all three have stretch, now that I think about it.  I didn't notice quite how much stretch was in the top right (and it is grey, not purple) "cloud" fabric until later because it's one directional.  I want to make it into a pencil skirt.  I'm doing more formal client meetings and I feel most professional in a skirt so I'd like to add some to my wardrobe.  Last is the cable knit sweater.  It's fairly heavy, black on the back.  I was thinking a snug sweater (I think it's thick enough to smooth over bumps) maybe like Renfrew, but it was the last 2m on the bolt and I took it all.  So maybe a dress now?  Snug and fairly short maybe, something that could be worn with opaque tights or leggings/skinny jeans.

Posting - at last!

Oh boy, how time flies.

I think I've started 4 posts in the past 5 weeks.  We'll see if this one sticks.  Maybe we'll go the easy route with a list...

• Move went well, it was a good call to hire packers and movers.
• My in laws arrived, helped and left, our relationship is still good and the weather stripping, locks and various other aspects of the house benefited from their visit
• The house is feeling like home.  I looked at a 401 West - London sign and my first thought was "home is that way" (not that I live in London but it's the next biggest city in that direction).
• I am still getting used to my new commute, I knew it would suck prior to moving and I was right.  It took nearly 2 hours to get into work today, this isn't going to last forever.
• Christmas was a little hectic and felt last minute but okay
• My SIL was a bit of a saviour, I "went in" on a lot of group presents which saved me some shopping and what shopping I did have to do was done in one night the Monday prior to Christmas
• We got roped into hosting a New Years Eve party, a Manitoba friend has moved to Montreal in the fall and he wanted to ring in the new year with us so a party was had
• Mr. Lina went a little crazy with moving, holidays, two colds and work, layer upon layer of crap to the point he really couldn't be flexible with any change, but I think he is returning to normal
• I miss Lazy Subcultural Girl, she once said that she and her husband had a deal that only one person was allowed up the crazy tree at a time.
• I spent December at the base of the crazy tree looking up.
• Christmas celebrations had lots of babies, my 2.5 year old neice, my two 8 month old nephews and my cousin is a dad, his son was 5 weeks at Christmas and slept pretty much the whole time (as you would expect) - next year will be crazy when those babies are all running.
• My niece likes me, deals were required to get her to stop playing and take some family pictures and part of the deal was sitting in my lap.  Best Christmas present by far.
• Her brother only has eyes for his mom and my dad, Papa is a-okay fine by him, the rest of us are suspicious and not to be trusted.
• I feel sad today and an odd mix of lonely and antisocial.  Probably a mix of not having team members here and 2 hours alone in the car driving in.

That about sums up December I suppose.  On with January!

January 2nd I got a call from Children's Aid, we have our first appointment with a social worker this Friday.  I'm thrilled and nervous all at the same time.  It's just an hour to meet and review our application and discuss our preferences for adoption, but it's a big first step.  I was kind of thinking that in January I'd call and just see where we were in their priority list... and now I don't have to.  

Wasn't that sneaky of me leaving the best for last?  And look at that I'm going to hit publish...