Tuesday, May 26

A little more detail

What a whirlwind.

Friday we were going to meet with our adoption worker and the girls (sisters, 12 and 4) social worker.  A chance to ask some questions, fill in some of the gaps in the inch of paper we had on them.  As much as we knew every dentist appointment, sometimes that level of detail leaves things out.

It was going to be maybe an hour or so of chit chat.  It turned into a 2+ hour meeting.

At one point the social workers said they would give us some time to think and discuss what we had learned that day and come to a decision if we wanted to go ahead, take a few days to talk.

Mr. Lina looked at me and said, I don't need more time, do you?

And nothing in that meeting made me change my mind.  Of anything, hearing about some of my concerns in context, my level of empathy increased.

Sure, they are going to be hard to parent.  Really hard.

But I can't stop smiling and giggling when I think of the  younger sister throwing daily temper tantrums.  It's going to happen.  I'm taking her away from the great foster mother she sees as "Mom".  I don't have the words to explain how terrified and happy I am right now, how can I expect a 4 year old to express the emotional mud she's feeling?  Of course it's going to come out as temper tantrums and battles for control over inconsequential things.  It's going to take some time and effort for her to see us as the people who will keep her safe.  But I can be stubborn too.

So we said yes.  Yes, please.  Let's do this.

And the social workers put on their poker face and left the room to discuss and apparently did a happy dance the minute they got into their office.

We're going to meet them this coming weekend.  The girls don't know yet, more notice isn't always a good thing.  They will need a lot of processing time, but a week of thinking about it prior to meeting us is just too much time for their imagination to make it even scarier than it is (and it's plenty scary).  We've put together a book about us to facilitate conversations with their social worker and their foster family.

I'm still full of a lot of unknowns.  I don't know when they will be officially placed with us (we're discussing that as a group tomorrow), I don't know their favourite colours or food, I don't know exactly when we'll meet them or how this transition is going to go.  I don't know what we are doing for parental leave but we both want time off to focus on making those connections.

I DO know the puzzle pieces of my family are falling into place.

12 comments:

  1. Still so very excited for you---I know it's a long road ahead and it won't be easy, but I can't imagine anyone better suited to this.

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    1. Thanks so much. It's so good to share this news with a supportive community.

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  2. YES YES YES YES YES!!!! Great news! Parenting is ridiculously hard, whether you brought them into the world or not, but you'll be great! Just remember one thing, just because they've had a hard life until now doesn't mean that they don't need discipline. In fact, they'll need ground rules and gentle but firm discipline more than ever. All kids will steamroll you if you let them, but those who have a troubled past will do it faster and smarter, because they have honed a different set of skills to survive. And with that, I'll take the rest of my unsolicited advice and stick it. ;-)

    Congratulations, again! :-)

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    1. Oh no kidding. The thing is the discipline is different, not focused on the behaviour but the emotions behind it. It's not about letting them "get away with it" but getting to the root of the problem and making them feel safe. Routine is your friend.

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  3. So exciting :) Sending love to your family!!

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  4. Such beautiful joy. I'm so happy for you and your family.

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    1. Thank you, it really is great to share happy news.

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  5. OMG. I am so happy for you both (four?), that words are sufficient to express. ♥♥♥♥♥♥♥

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    1. Yep, all four of us. I am still getting used to talking about "my girls" and "my daughter".

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  6. Wooohoooo!!! It's getting closer! :) Big Hugs to your whole family!

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  7. I'm so happy for you, congratulations! :D

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Thanks for your comments, I love to have a two way conversation. I seem to be getting a lot of spam from anonymous users and am turning off the ability to comment that way. I really would like to hear from you so if you do want to add your two cents without an OpenId, email me at seraphinalina at gmail dot com.