Monday, December 5

We will return to regular programming... soonish.

So things are not so happy in Seraphinalina-land (say that 3 times fast).  In perspective, of course everything is fine.  We're healthy, I have a freak hive at the moment but that's par for the course.  My period seems to be MIA and not for good reasons but I've also been bad at taking my medications so that could be to blame.  Finances are good, still employed, have food, have roof... yep, should be happy. 

I mentioned my brother (Clone) and SIL invited themselves over for dinner on Friday.  I have yet to be in their apartment.  I like to feed people, so I'm okay with that, but it did set of the spidey senses, and they were right.  My SIL is pregnant.  While I want to be happy for them, 4 days of off and on crying is telling me I'm not.  I don't want to say too much because they might at some point find out about this blog, but let's just say it's hard.  Really hard. 

Okay, I need an outlet too, I can always hide a post later, right?  So the problem has a few layers.
1.  They are planning on moving to the Northwest Territories in January (roughly 4,500 km away depending on your route, that's about 2,800 miles, no more Friday night dinners).
2.  They are moving because neither have full time employment.  Somehow this will be easier in a city with an estimated population of 3,648 than the largest city in Canada.  I will give them points that cost of living will be lower.
3.  He's 6 years younger than me and she's another crazy age gap to him.  I try not to think about her specific birth year because it reminds me I'm getting old in a biological sense (not that I'm upset about aging, I like my whites). 
4.  Family events have always been baby free.  I never had to psyche myself up for them like I do for any event with friends (except Mother's Day).  Now there is no safe holiday.  None. 
5.  I don't want to feel like crap every time I see her.  She's a lovely, wonderful person who would feel terrible if she really knew how much this is going to hurt. 

We did go to see our therapist last Monday (prior to the news).  It's even more clear to me that I'm the one that is struggling and I'll be going for alternating Mondays for a while.  Mr. Lina just doesn't know what to say or how to listen because it's the same thing over and over.  And it is, but it's not.  I was crushed with our first chemical pregnancy.  Yes, I wanted to be pregnant and I wanted kids, but I had no skills with grief to deal with that loss.  Now I feel like I have the skill set to deal with grief, but this is just ongoing sadness, I can't just fix it.  I had a good day at work today.  I didn't even read blogs, crazy.  And then I got into the car to drive home and promptly started crying as soon as I was on the highway.  WTF?  I felt fine all day.

My therapist asked if I had taken time off work, maybe I should consider a mental health day.  I still have 3 sick days for the year.  It's in the back of my head since she mentioned it.  We'll see how tomorrow goes, maybe she's got a good point.  Stay home, sew up more Sorbettos and cry.  Yeah, that sounds pretty tempting right about now.

Saturday is Christmas with my friends.  I'm not sure I can do it.  All of them have kids except the friend who got married in October.  One is pregnant.  Last year Mr. Lina didn't go with me, he couldn't face 3 pregnant women.  I had a friend pick me up, I knew I'd cry the whole way both directions or balk if I went on my own.  They were my best friends through university and after but I feel the weight in my chest just thinking about going.  So this year I rsvp'd for just me and when I mentioned it he feels compelled to go.  I'm not sure what's worse.  I mean, I want him there particularly while I feel so sad in general, but I don't like thinking of making him go.  I hate how this makes my world smaller. 

I did cut out a third Sorbetto, well, the front piece.  Didn't quite get to the back when people arrived for D&D on Sunday.  Has anyone tried it in a knit?  This is fabric out of my mom's discard pile.  It's a weird somewhat sheer knit.  I'm not overly fond of the fabric and I have to do something about the sheer factor.  I figure it's good to test out the fit in a knit.  If I don't like it I haven't lost much but my time and thread.

5 comments:

  1. I wish there was something I could say or do to take away your pain. I am so terribly sorry you are suffering like this. Sometimes the world just makes no sense to me, like that people who really want children aren't able to conceive/carry to term. There's no explanation. You are good, kind people; of this I am sure. Please know that I am thinking of you.
    (And thank you for your kind shout-out the other day. I have been ill, as you know, so I haven't properly addressed that. I will. Being sick with a silly cold hardly seems important at all compared to what you have on your mind.) XXXOOO

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  2. Sometimes it's just good to put the words out there. But it's also good to know someone is listening. :)

    Colds suck and yours seems to be of the lingering variety. Being healthy is something I have on my should-be-grateful list. My skin has also yet to lose the green tinge from envy of your door.

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  3. I'm so sorry. I wish I had some magic words that would make it all better. And I totally hear you on the "it's the same thing over and over again", from both sides. Personally I find it disturbingly easy to compartmentalize my mental health---I can be totally functional in one situation or setting, and then step outside it and completely melt down.

    I think you will find the things you want, whether it's through adoption, fostering, or biological means. But waiting is hard. Oh, gawd, waiting is hard.

    Also---I don't think it's wrong or bad that you feel this way. If I were in your situation, I'd be just as lost and angry. Man, I'd be spitting mad. If seeing your friends is hurting more than not seeing them, maybe you shouldn't go. Maybe even tell them why (via email or whatever). If they're as good friends as I think they probably are, they'll understand.

    Hang in there. You're on the road. It's a long road, but you'll get there eventually.

    Also, I think the knit Sorbetto will be really interesting. Will you stitch down the top pleat to keep it in place?

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  4. I can be totally functional in one situation or setting, and then step outside it and completely melt down. - That's it exactly.

    I'm not sure about my friends. I know I do fine (see above) while I am at the party, it's the pre-post that really suck. I haven't seen most of them this year, just at the wedding and one of them left before dinner. So I could pass on this, but so much avoidance is feeling like I'm cutting them out of my life entirely. They know about my infertility, but I stopped talking about it as a group when one announced her pregnancy right after I mentioned my latest chemical pregnancy. I was talking a lot to the one that is pregnant (that's a first try IVF baby there) but um, well, she's the one I really don't want to see right about now being pregnant and all.

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  5. Oh and knit sorbetto. Not sure how I'm going to deal with the pleat. I'm going to play around with it a bit, maybe pintucks would work better and be a change from the other two.

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Thanks for your comments, I love to have a two way conversation. I seem to be getting a lot of spam from anonymous users and am turning off the ability to comment that way. I really would like to hear from you so if you do want to add your two cents without an OpenId, email me at seraphinalina at gmail dot com.