So things are not so happy in Seraphinalina-land (say that 3 times fast). In perspective, of course everything is fine. We're healthy, I have a freak hive at the moment but that's par for the course. My period seems to be MIA and not for good reasons but I've also been bad at taking my medications so that could be to blame. Finances are good, still employed, have food, have roof... yep, should be happy.
I mentioned my brother (Clone) and SIL invited themselves over for dinner on Friday. I have yet to be in their apartment. I like to feed people, so I'm okay with that, but it did set of the spidey senses, and they were right. My SIL is pregnant. While I want to be happy for them, 4 days of off and on crying is telling me I'm not. I don't want to say too much because they might at some point find out about this blog, but let's just say it's hard. Really hard.
Okay, I need an outlet too, I can always hide a post later, right? So the problem has a few layers.
1. They are planning on moving to the Northwest Territories in January (roughly 4,500 km away depending on your route, that's about 2,800 miles, no more Friday night dinners).
2. They are moving because neither have full time employment. Somehow this will be easier in a city with an estimated population of 3,648 than the largest city in Canada. I will give them points that cost of living will be lower.
3. He's 6 years younger than me and she's another crazy age gap to him. I try not to think about her specific birth year because it reminds me I'm getting old in a biological sense (not that I'm upset about aging, I like my whites).
4. Family events have always been baby free. I never had to psyche myself up for them like I do for any event with friends (except Mother's Day). Now there is no safe holiday. None.
5. I don't want to feel like crap every time I see her. She's a lovely, wonderful person who would feel terrible if she really knew how much this is going to hurt.
We did go to see our therapist last Monday (prior to the news). It's even more clear to me that I'm the one that is struggling and I'll be going for alternating Mondays for a while. Mr. Lina just doesn't know what to say or how to listen because it's the same thing over and over. And it is, but it's not. I was crushed with our first chemical pregnancy. Yes, I wanted to be pregnant and I wanted kids, but I had no skills with grief to deal with that loss. Now I feel like I have the skill set to deal with grief, but this is just ongoing sadness, I can't just fix it. I had a good day at work today. I didn't even read blogs, crazy. And then I got into the car to drive home and promptly started crying as soon as I was on the highway. WTF? I felt fine all day.
My therapist asked if I had taken time off work, maybe I should consider a mental health day. I still have 3 sick days for the year. It's in the back of my head since she mentioned it. We'll see how tomorrow goes, maybe she's got a good point. Stay home, sew up more Sorbettos and cry. Yeah, that sounds pretty tempting right about now.
Saturday is Christmas with my friends. I'm not sure I can do it. All of them have kids except the friend who got married in October. One is pregnant. Last year Mr. Lina didn't go with me, he couldn't face 3 pregnant women. I had a friend pick me up, I knew I'd cry the whole way both directions or balk if I went on my own. They were my best friends through university and after but I feel the weight in my chest just thinking about going. So this year I rsvp'd for just me and when I mentioned it he feels compelled to go. I'm not sure what's worse. I mean, I want him there particularly while I feel so sad in general, but I don't like thinking of making him go. I hate how this makes my world smaller.
I did cut out a third Sorbetto, well, the front piece. Didn't quite get to the back when people arrived for D&D on Sunday. Has anyone tried it in a knit? This is fabric out of my mom's discard pile. It's a weird somewhat sheer knit. I'm not overly fond of the fabric and I have to do something about the sheer factor. I figure it's good to test out the fit in a knit. If I don't like it I haven't lost much but my time and thread.